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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    2015 7 Week Challenge  ›  Treasure Chest - 2015 7WC - Feature Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    Treasure Chest - 2015 7WC - Feature  (currently 5021 views)
Don
Posted: August 1st, 2015, 10:34am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Treasure Chest by Richard Russell - Thriller - A antique tea chest leads to a quest for treasure that ensnares a beautiful interior decorator. 101 pages - pdf, format




Treasure Chest - First 10 Pages by Richard Russell - Thriller - An antique tea chest lands an interior decorator in the fight of her life.  1st 10 pages - pdf, format



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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  September 12th, 2015, 6:49am
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 1st, 2015, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
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just about to read this...do you have an r...in your name. surely not spelling your own name wrong on the title page.

if so, that makes me feel so much better about all my typos...

cheers


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 1st, 2015, 4:18pm Report to Moderator
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here we go

first off, i accept this si draft, its the first ten, and we are not looking at a polished number. mine won't be when i put it forward.

small points.

first line is an orphan. so what, but then you have a five liner with an orphan - all I'm saying is that this could look cleaner.

initial image - good - father and son - nice and crisp

yeah, like that first page

small thought - with lots of bobby's why not label the father - father


Bobby looks and pulls out a perfectly dry, small chest of intricate design. He sets it on the bench and lifts the lid. Inside, the driest tea leafs ever, leafs hundreds of years old.

again an orphan can be avoided. look, its not the biggest issue, but if your feature has a lot of these, it does add up, further the para looks little heavy, when it could be broken up

PRESENT DAY - needs a super

The intricate tea chest sits on a small table from the 19th century. Looking at the chest is CLAIRE SLEEVE, 35, pretty in shorts and top, a interior decorator on the prowl. She touches the chest and looks across the small store

each to their own but i would have the final line as a separate para


INT. INNER SPACE - DAY  - sorry i have no idea what I'm seeing here

INT. JAXI’S HOUSE - BASEMENT BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS - why continuous, just asking


GRAHAM
You don’t know anything. The cops
don’t you unless you got enough to sell.

missing word? 'do'


FRANCOIS
Ouch. Not your chest chest, your
treasure chest. That didn’t come out right either

like that

overview

logline - for a feature needs some embellishing -

characters - we have pot smoking grandchild, and another, money landing runaway mother, a interior decorator and her gay side kick - all pretty clear

who's story - not sure. probably the interior designer

genre - feels supernatural drama, dark humour, possibly with violence

GSU - old script shadows - goal stakes urgency - goal is likely to be money, or survival, urgency - not sure, stakes - threats etc

would i read on - yeah, i would

best of luck







My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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LC
Posted: August 2nd, 2015, 12:33am Report to Moderator
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Richad, lots of typos here. Seems a bit done in a rush.

Nice opening, if a little seen it all before - (not essential, but I think Bobby's Dad needs a name) and then those characters disappear and there's a new character: Claire, who I assume is your central lead protag, but now I'm not so sure... cause more characters are popping up all over the joint. Hey an opening cannot and should not necessarily reveal the entire story, so...

It is intriguing, and I'm wondering where it's all going to go so that's the main thing. If it is as the logline says: a fight for her life then I have high hopes I'll enjoy it. I'd read more, but something significant needs to happen in the next ten or twenty for it to really hook me.

P.S. Those 'leafs' would be 'leaves' - plural, I would think.


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DustinBowcot
Posted: August 2nd, 2015, 4:35am Report to Moderator
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It all feels very rushed, but that is to be expected from a first ten. I can see these pages being changed quite a bit by the end of this.

Good luck.
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Gary in Houston
Posted: August 2nd, 2015, 11:13am Report to Moderator
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I'll reiterate what the others have said -- but you can easily go back and clean up. One thing that can help with your orphans is to single space after the end of a sentence.

Just some random thoughts: like Reef said, give Bobby's father a name. That'll help on orphans as well.  Also, it's 1920. Very few people had garages at that time.  Maybe it's a carriage house instead.

One thing I did have a problem with in the first 10 (actually 11) pages. There's no character that I really like. Everyone feels like a jerk.  Maybe Ann will be the difference. If so, maybe there's a way to get her in there sooner.

Not sure I'm feeling it on the mystery surrounding the chest at this point. There ought to be a clue as to it's value (or its danger) that should pop up in those first ten pages.

Best of luck going forward.

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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Grandma Bear
Posted: August 2nd, 2015, 11:35am Report to Moderator
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I do like the idea of the found tea chest. However, after these first ten pages, I have no idea who our protagonist is or who the antagonist is. You have a LOT of people introduced in just these first few pages. I also have no sense of where this is going or what genre this will be. Tone and mood makes me think drama...

This was a bit of a tough read for me. I felt it was clumsily written, to be honest. Overwritten too.  Lots of typos and such, but I looked past those since this is an early draft.

I like the idea you have, but it needs to be more clear who and what this is about.


Page 1.    Bobby is a middle class kid, but his father is successful...

Gently, slowly, clumsily,

Old fashioned garage. How old fashioned? This takes place in the 1920s.

Why not give Bobby's father a name? He has a speaking part and so far, his role is just as big as Bobby's.

Page 2.    What's this? Is a question.

Page 3.    The tea chest is now in an antique store. I thought Bobby and his father had opened it by force with a hacksaw. Wouldn't that sort of have ruined it?

Page 4.    INT. INNER SPACE???? Inner space of what? Perhaps INT. MOLLY'S ANTIQUES - INNER SPACE - DAY

Don't quit on this though. Finish the script and then work on cleaning the script up. Just make sure you know who and what this is about and where it's going.



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Toby_E
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First off, I really liked the logline. Reminded me, to a certain degree, of Donna Tartt's The Goldfinch, in which a highly valued antiquity leads a formerly law-abiding citizen into the world of crime.

Hmmm.... Not sure really about this opener, for two reasons: Firstly, it seems redundant to the present story, ie, what impact does Bobby finding the chest have on Claire's story Couldn't we just start with Claire finding the chest for herself? I would love to be proved wrong here, with this opening a set-up for something later. But if there is no pay-off, I would seriously consider axing this. Secondly, it was totally devoid of any conflict, and we never spent long enough with the characters for them to be anything other than charactures.

Page 6 - Have you done much research on antique dealing? My dad does quite a bit of work in this industry, and I can tell you that it is amazingly rare for pieces of antiques to have absolutely no history. Normally, when expensive/ rare items are sold, records are kept, and these records follow the item throughout their subsequent sellings.

I feel as if there may be a few too many characters being introduced here... We're not staying with characters long enough to really get a feel for them. I have no idea who the protag is here, and as a result, I have no idea where the story is going.

And now we have even more characters introduced.

OK, so I've finished. This definitely has potential - as I said, I loved the logline. However, I didn't feel that the story delivered on the logline... And the main reason for that, I feel, was because the story was not focused enough; we followed too many characters, who didn't seem to be directly involved with the main story. I know that this will change, but I would consider staggering the introduction of these characters over the course of the first act, instead of throwing all of their introductions into the first 10. I would also cut the opening, and spend more time with both Claire and the chest; we need to know who our protag is, and the direction where the story is heading.

Hope some of what I have said helps. Regardless of these issues, this is still a solid effort for 1 week's work.

Toby.


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: August 2nd, 2015, 1:10pm Report to Moderator
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Opening grabbed me.

Felt it was a little sudden though, like we could have spent a bit more with the son and father. Minor point.

If we're jumping to the present, it kind of felt like the original duo shouldn't have been able to open it. Another minor point, but the drama of wanting to know what's inside will maintain narrative drive.

Like the characterisation of the decorator. You're good at characters, you've got a good eye for them in general.

Damn, who are all these people who have showed up? Are they really necessary? Maybe you're going to wow us with a great ensemble piece, but I'm doubting it. I think there's a greater chance it would be better focussed on your main characters. They usually are.

Potential, but make sure you know the story you are telling. Most pre-pro features get into trouble when they start jumping around between a large cast.
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EWall433
Posted: August 3rd, 2015, 10:05pm Report to Moderator
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I like the opening scene, though I agree it might benefit from more mystery about what’s in the box. Will Bobby’s removal of the coin come into play later? It could, but it might work better as a reveal down the line.

Actually a lot of the Mason family stuff feels like it might make more sense being revealed as backstory. It’s presented some mysteries (who robbed Parker, what was stolen, what’s Ann’s story, why is Graham such a cretin?) but it may actually be too much mystery. There’s a balancing act that needs to be done. It’s hard to care what’s happening in a story when you know so little about the characters or what they’re doing. Take Ann for instance, if we knew why she left and has come back, I could feel a certain way about that. I could make judgement on that character. Without knowing those things, I can’t feel one way or the other, which at the end of the day is the same as not caring.

It also results in all the incidents feeling disconnected from each other. There’s several different plots, with no particular weight given to any one. I imagine Claire and the Masons will end up meeting soon. How their stories weigh on each other is hard to say, but it may feel more focused if we discover the Masons at the same time Claire does. If Claire comes into the situation from the outside, with a goal of her own and having to sort out this family’s drama in order to achieve it, we can more readily grasp all the different plotlines because we know that her relationship to the drama and her pursuit of her goal is of primary importance.

It just needs a little more focus at this stage, to get us to the heart of what is going on. But there's a lot of pieces to work with here.

Good luck with it.
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Pale Yellow
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For me, this starts our really good. It has pretty decent dialogue and I like the characters a bit...Not sure who is the main character though and I'm not sure what is the goal or what the thing is even really about yet. Maybe I missed something.

I do like the mystery. What genre is this going to be? The first ten need more work to get this thing focused into shape I think but I'd like to read on. Will look forward to your finished draft.
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 5th, 2015, 5:17pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not sure anyone here really wants me to provide feedback, but I said I'd be here to help and I'm going to try to help.

I'll be starting each review the same and will follow the same format on, starting with logline.

Here we go...

Like many others, I suck at writing loglines, but that doesn't mean I can't point out obvious mistakes that shouldn't be here.

Nothing unherently wrong here with the logline, but I'm wondering if "tea chest" is really the way you want to go here.

Page 1 - First 2 passages are problematic and this is not the way you want to jump in.  Both end in orphans and the second is 5 lines long.  Numerous issues here, but bottom line is that this feels very rushed...and probably is, but again, it's your opening - if anything should be polished, it's your opening.

Bobby's Father needs a name. Why wouldn't you name him?  Hmmm...

Opening dialogue has an action wrylie - I'd suggest staying away from these, especially early on.  I'd use a simple action line to show this and keep things simple.

Alot of your passages aren't broken up correctly, which is why they are so many lines long.  Keep each passage to a thought, a description, or a "shot". When any of these change, start a new passage.  It will read better, look better, and give you a better estimate of runtime.

Here's an interesting subject I bring up every now and then.  We have a new Slug at the bottom of the page - "BOBBY'S HOUSE".  Obviously, at 12 years old, this really isn't Bobby's House - it's his parent's house.  Does it matter? Probably not, but always something to think about when trying to write solid Slugs.

The passage (possibly the next one starting on Page 2, as well, but I'm not sure whether or not the second one is actually a new one or part of the first) are very awkwardly written and don't prvide visual detail that we need.  Keep in mind you never want to or need to repeat your Slug in the sentecne that follows, as it's a waste.  We really need to know just how big this box is, as it obviously is going to come into play in the entire script, based on the logline.

Page 2 - Hmmm, they're going to saw the box open with a hacksaw?  Doesn't sound like a very smart idea to me.

The next Slug is a waste, as it's the same Slug, just with a different time element - this is the perfect time to use a Mini - here, it's simply "LATER", but without a transition, this is not going to look good filmed like this.  I'd rethink this whole scene and show them actually opening the box.

Opening senetence under the "LATER" scene is poor and past tense, and again, I just can't visualize what this box looks like or how they sawed off the top.

Hmmm...so now there's a chest inside the "smallish" box?  How small is this chest?

"leafs" - "leaves" - but the whole passage here is awkward and filled with info no one would know just from looking at some leaves.

Page 3 - So, all of a sudden, we transition to modern times, but there's no transition and would come across very odd in a filmed version.  Needs major attention, and I'm wondering what relevance this opening is even going to have, because very little happened of interest, other than finding the box and chest. The characters seem to be throwaways.  We'll see where it goes...

New passage here is again not broken up remotely correctly and is written very awkwardly, as well.

"Know anything about the one?" - Huh?  "the one"?  I don't get it...

"Claire opens the tea chest which is empty." - Again, very awkwardly written.  I don't mean to be mean, but the writing throughout is awkward and very, very rushed.  Some may feel just throwing words down is the way to complete a feature, but IMO, cleaning something up like this is going to be a major, MAJOR undertaking, if you don't start editing and cleaning as you go.

Page 4 - Introing the Antique store from the outside after we've already had an INT scene is...wierd.  Unless we're coming back here, the description you gave is totally unnecessary.

OK, last time I'll bring this up - look at the next passage - look how many different things are going on, all in the same passage.  This makes the read difficult.  It takes away white space. And, it reduces your page count below what it should naturally be.

"INNER SPACE" - Huh?  Where in the heck are we supposed to be?

So, you describe Francious, but you don't include a verb, which makes it read awkward, but check out what you can do - if you simply tell us he's on his phone, you don't need the wrylie in the following dialoue.  You kill 2 eagles with 1 little verb and complete sentence.

You use another wrylie, when we already know he's on his cell, but this time, you write "(ON PHONE)".  As noted earlier, everything feels so rushed and unchecked and because of this, your rewrite job is going to be downright nasty.

Page 5 - 100% dialogue...usually not a good sign.  I think you need to inject some visuals on the page and break up the dialogue.

Page 6 - Feels out of place and the there are numerous typos, mistakes, and awkward writing.

Page 7 - For the record, you don't need or want a wrylie everytime someone speaks into a phone.  It's obvious and understood.  Save the lines.

Page 9 - Wow...alot has happened, alot of characters are being intro'd, and there have been alot of scene locations - too much in all regards, IMO.

Page 10 - Dialogue does not feel realistic at all.  Characters don't seem real.  Everything feels rushed.

Richard, in all honesty, rushed is the word that best describes all the issues here.  I don't know who our main Protags are, what the plot is going to be, or why all these various things have happened so quickly - maybe you do, but chances are it's just rushed.

I think you need to slow down and take a step back and figure things out before you go throwing them down on the page.

I like me a treasure movie, but I don't see that really materializing here.

We need stakes.  We need likable, relatable characters.  And we need a plot/story we can follow.  These all seem to be lacking here...so far...but you have plenty of time to right this ship and I trust you will.

Best of luck.
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cloroxmartini
Posted: August 7th, 2015, 7:56am Report to Moderator
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I would combine the first two paragraphs.

The rest of the scene is good and I see character by the action. "It's not deep" has great subtext and Bobby responding like he did says so much about their relationship and who each character is.

Scene transition to the garage is spot on.

They both examine...redundant...they examine

Inside, the driest tea leafs ever, leafs hundreds of years old...say what? This will have to come out later as how do you know?

Ok, after moving to the present day you lost me, I mean story wise. You had me for a moment when we first saw the chest in a store, but I skimmed after that and didn't care.

I wanted to know about the kid and his dad. You created a great relationship in such a few pages and then it stopped.
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Don
Posted: September 12th, 2015, 7:01am Report to Moderator
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Posted the feature


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ChrisBodily
Posted: September 13th, 2015, 9:12pm Report to Moderator
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I just read the first ten to see if there's enough to make me commit to the final feature.

*Sigh* Here we go.

(My review reflects the First Ten, not the Final Feature)

I have to be brutally honest, I was completely bored up until the story finally went somewhere around page 9, when they have Jaxi's funeral, and the will. Then, and only then, does the script seem remotely interesting. That's not a good sign. Sorry, Richa(r)d.

I think you misspelled your name on the title page. Not a good sign, either. Especially for someone purported to be "The Word Master."

There are too many orphans in these 10 (11) pages. The names are very confusing. Are they American? British? French? Canadian? In what country does this story takes place? Speaking of names, I forgot Jaxi's name. A central character. I thought it was Trixie. Come up with names that people can remember. You got it right with Francois; that one stands out from the crowd. The name Graham is the only indication that these characters are British. I'm not saying to change the characters' names to Harry Potter, Indiana Jones, or Morticia Addams. But try to come up with something more memorable.

The First Ten give me no indication of the genre. Nothing says "Thriller." Not even the robbery or unexpected inheritance. Everything says "stuffy British drama on PBS." A thriller needs tension, suspense, conflict. The only thing I've seen in these pages that constitutes conflict is when Jaxi scolds Graham for smoking pot.

What I would do is add some blood in the aftermath of the robbery. A bloody footprint, perhaps. I would have cut a lot out, to be honest.

I'd structure the first ten as:

The backstory
The chest in the store
The robbery (if it has any bearing on the story)
Jaxi dies/funeral/will

That would likely trim the page count in half.

Also, who is the protagonist? Claire? Ann? Jaxi's ghost? A character not yet introduced?

I'm sorry, but this needs a lot of work, if you haven't already done so in the final.

Would I read the final? You're skating on thin ice, but... I probably would, just to see if it's improved any.

4 out of 10.


FADE IN:
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EWall433
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Pg 1. Could probably end the first scene with, “There’s something down there” and cut directly to the box in the next scene. Little nip/tucks like that can save you some space and improve the pacing a bit.

Something strikes me as off about the way Graham allows Jaxi’s death. I don’t know if it needs a better set-up or a better build, but it seems so abrupt. It starts as a pretty ordinary domestic squabble about marijuana and very quickly turns into cold-blooded murder. But nothing about Graham being a pothead suggests he would do this, and nothing about their argument suggests a hate so deep that he’d just let her die.

Maybe my problem is letting Nana die at your feet puts you into irretrievable villain territory, and if Graham’s going to be an irretrievable villain, I’d prefer him to be an ACTIVE villain. Have the argument get heated and he pushes her down the stairs or something. Cause than we’ll never know what he’s capable of going forward. Right now, he’s only to be feared if you happen to start dying in front of him.

I think you could easily cut the scene between Roger and Parker down. It’s a pretty long way to go for the general gist of the scene, which is Roger asking for a bribe. (As a side note, I’m thinking Parker would only agree to this if he had actually staged the break-in, as he wouldn’t want anyone looking deeper into it. On the other hand, if he’s innocent, I would expect his next move to be getting Roger on tape asking for a bribe and then threatening to sue the ever living hell out of his employer).

At page 30 and I like seeing Graham, Parker and Anne emerging as an interesting villainous family. But I’m still waiting for any of this to matter to Claire. I’m hoping it’s not much longer before she starts feeling the effects of their pursuit.

Pg. 31 Is Claire engaging in this affair JUST to get the in contact with the owner? I feel like she would have the address and phone number of the house on file if there’d been a prior appointment. Why doesn’t she just go knock on the door?

It is a nice irony that the people she’s looking for are also, in a roundabout way, looking for her.

Pg. 33 “built Biltmore”  ...don’t know why that stuck out at me so much, but maybe “constructed Biltmore”?

I’m not sure having Claire repeatedly point out how long the story is will make it go down easier. I’d at least cut down some of the explanation of who George Vanderbilt was, since the story’s not really about him anyway.

Pg. 46 Laura’s dialogue on this page had me doubling back to check her age. For a second I thought she was 4 rather than 40. I might suggest working on the character, but at this point I’m not entirely convinced this particular character or relationship needs to exist. READING ON: I got the point and it worked for what it was.

At the midpoint now and there’s not as much plot movement as I would hope for at this point. There’s actually a fair amount of repetition. Claire and Jayden go on multiple dates and tell each other stories. Graham and Anne hook up a few times. And Francois tells Claire he wants to go treasure hunting. But during all this, it’s hard to see that anything has changed in these character’s relationship to the central plot. Parker is the only one who seems active right now, and it’s almost as if every other character is in a holding pattern until he makes his next move.

I’m a little confused about what was going on in the Anne/Graham relationship. At first she seemed to be in the power position. I imagined a history of abuse that was being repeated. Then Graham turns the tables, but I’m wondering what gave him the will to do that in the first place. Before he kills her, he asks for the doubloon. Was he only sleeping with her to try to acquire its location? In his conversation with Parker he indicates that he already knows where it is. Was this a lie?

Pg. 57 “He fills in the hole.” Seems kind of OCD. Why not just leave it there? Would someone complain?

Nice gruesome demise for Francois certainly ups the stakes, but I’ll admit I was worried about him back on page 30 when Parker first started searching. In that context, I think this would play better earlier as it would clue Claire in to something dangerous going on. Right now, that’s my biggest complaint. Claire is too passive and uninvolved. While a murderous conspiracy develops all around her, she seemed to be stuck in a romantic drama plotline up until the last few pages.

Pg 97 Parker’s “self-defense” explanation doesn’t make much sense. She shot his brother, so Parker shoots her. But would the police really buy that she’s the aggressor here? Isn’t Graham going to be easily found out as a murder? And they’re in her house. A much better plan would’ve been to let Graham kill her and then shoot him, because then he could argue he tried to save her.

It all ends a bit abruptly, which I suspect was due to time constraints. Most of the threads are tied up, but there’s not much resolution for any of the characters.

Alright, the good… I like the dynamic of the Mason family. They were a nice dysfunctional family of villains, but I believe more could’ve been done with them. Ann never really got in the game the way I thought she would considering she was the returning matriarch.

I like the dynamic between the two brothers. I think Roger’s little story to Parker about “squeezing too much” set-up the brothers well. I could kind of see that story was about them, but I was wondering which one would end up feeling “squeezed too much”.

I also like the fact that all these characters were tangentially connected to each other even before the search for the box began. Knowing Claire was Jaxi’s decorator lent a bit of tension (perhaps not exploited enough) that Claire would simply stumble into the wrong situation at the wrong time. I think it would’ve been funny if Parker, after all his searching for the chest, all the murders and all the blood on his hands, invited Claire over only to have her put the chest on the table right in front of him and say, “I think this would look nice here”.

As for some of the areas to work on. First, the McGuffin here is really three McGuffins. There’s the chest, the doubloon inside, and the map from the chest’s etchings. I’ll be honest, I was a little confused which I should’ve considered most important, and which Parker was most interested in acquiring. All of it, I suppose. But it might work better if you structure one McGuffin into another. For example, seeing the doubloon is evidence that someone has encountered the chest, and the drawings on the chest ultimately lead to a bigger treasure.

Finally, the biggest problem is Claire, the presumed protagonist. She’s without a goal or purpose for almost the entire story. It’s unfortunate because it seems like every character BUT her has a goal or driving motivation. If it were me restructuring this, I’d get to Francois’ death a lot sooner. I saw it coming from a mile away, and it was a little tiring to wait so long for it. I’d kill him off somewhere in the first half, and have Claire’s goal going forward to be finding out what happened to him. You can still develop her relationships with Jayden and Parker,  but those interactions will have more energy if she’s trying to get information from them while balancing that relationship.

Anyway, Good luck going forward with it. A script in seven weeks is always an accomplishment.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: September 17th, 2015, 4:38pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, I've read half of this script now. I don't see the writer chiming in on this thread. Am I missing some posts? Does anyone know if the writer has commented on any other scripts? I've been unable to follow all the posts on the features submitted due to having visitors and traveling.

If the writer is not around, I think I will quit here and read some of the scripts where the writer is around.

If anyone knows, please let me know.


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DustinBowcot
Posted: September 17th, 2015, 4:41pm Report to Moderator
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Yes he is around. He has commented on my script so far. I think he's gathering reads before responding.
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Grandma Bear
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Thanks Dustin! Will finish tomorrow then.  


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RichardR
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The writer is here.  Not lurking just waiting for more comments.
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cloroxmartini
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PARKER (CONT’D) First, you’re gonna tell me where you sold my stuff, one item in particular.  What did you do with the tea chest?

This is the end of act one imo, here on page 22. I wonder how you could do things different with the back story, getting the gold coin this far, because the read wasn't engaging me. Maybe cleaner? I think too much time was spent on the father and son and the coin for starters. Maybe just a montage of the life of the coin would work, images of it being minted, exchanged for a musket, found it's way into a the tea chest, carried across the Atlantic in some Spanish galleon, fell from a row boat going ashore, pulled up by the boy, etc. Maybe shots of people always being killed for it? Just thinking outloud to get here quicker.
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cloroxmartini
Posted: September 18th, 2015, 5:34am Report to Moderator
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I have a hard time with the dialogue. Most of it comes off as filler and as filler is distracting. What do I mean? Like the voice overs as Molly is getting slapped.

Revision History (1 edits)
cloroxmartini  -  September 18th, 2015, 6:42am
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cloroxmartini
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The conversation on page 35. Why?

Anne says don't block the sun. Claire said don't block the sun.

When Graeme kills Anne I about checked out of this. There is no cohesive story here and I think it suffers from Identity crisis. Seems everyone is dishonest save for the shop keepers that had nothing to do with the tea chest. Feels very chopped up and duct taped together.

I skipped to the end. Not for me. Didn't engage at all. I thought for a moment around page 22 there would be something to look forward to.

I guess with everyone sounding like a crook, nobody thought to call the cops about all the break ins and such.
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Grandma Bear
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Richard, awesome that you wrote a feature in such a short time!

I read your script up until page 70, then I decided to quit. You have a lot of things I like in your script, but they don't really go together. I liked the mystery of the tea chest, the doubloon and the map. I was also intrigued by the crazy dysfunctional relationship between Graham and Anne. Liked the kinky murder. Blackbeard and the treasure digging. The Southern setting and so on. It was also a clean read as far as I could tell.

There were plenty of problems with this script. The biggest one is probably, who is our protagonist? None of the characters are very likable. They are all bad people. A protag doesn't have to be a good guy, but an audience must have a character to empathize with. There were none here.

Another problem for me, at least, is the disjointed, sometimes even jarring feel of this script. Who is your intended audience? Most of the stuff in this script is light in feel and would probably get a PG rating. The parts with Graham and Anne would get an R rating for sure. Incest. Sadism. Brutal murder...   Those are two completely different audiences types. The people that would go see the PG parts would be very upset with the R rated parts and the R rated audience would be bored stiff with the rest. IMO, you need to think this over. Either pump up the PG parts or ditch the R parts.

Plenty of good stuff in there. You just need to decide where you want to go with it. Who you want your audience to be.

Thanks for taking part in the 7WC.  

The following are just thoughts and questions as I read. As such, they can sometimes come off as harsh or negative. Not intended at all, I can assure you.

Page 1.     I think I commented on this exact thing when I read the first 10 pages, but since it's still on here, I'm going to assume you're stubborn and want to keep it in there. Why is the kid middle class, but his father successful? Don't they live together? Why not say the father is a successful and just leave the kid be? Seems to me, they would have the same social status, no?

Another thing I remember complaining about when I first read this. It's 1920, yet you state that the garage is old fashioned. First of all, how many people had garages back in 1920? How many people had cars for that matter? So, how old fashioned is this garage? From 1889? See what I'm saying?

Page 3.     I think your descriptions are a bit overdone sometimes. Here you write "The intricate tea chest sits on a small table from the 19th century." Is it really that important that the table is from the 19th century? It is inside an antique shop, so we would assume the table is old...

AN interior decorator.

Page 4.     I remember this nitpick too. INT. INNER SPACE - DAY  This is a VERY confusing slug. Inner space of what? Can't be the antique store since Claire just left it. It seems to be inside a house. Later in the paragraph you tell us we're inside a decorator's show room. This needs to be in the slug! Slugs are meant to tell us where we are and what time. Why not write INT: DECORATOR'S SHOW ROOM - DAY? If it is the name of the shop, then say so.

Page 6.     "The heat doesn't bother her". How do we even know it's hot?

I'm on page eight and so far, I can't really say I like any of the characters. I thought Clair was going to be our protagonist, but the way she so callously refer to Jaxi's death and when they will be able to collect their money, doesn't make her very likable.

Pages 11 - 15 is all one scene with all dialogue. Four and a half minutes of two guys just talking. Nothing much of interest happens here. The glass from the door is on the outside instead of inside, suggesting it was broken from the inside. Why not show us that instead of telling us? Roger is also hinting at getting paid a percentage of the insurance claim if he signs it. IMHO, this scene doesn't need to be any longer than 2 pages or so.

And from that, we go straight into another talky scene. Two pages of only dialogue. That means in the last seven pages, seven minutes of film, there's only been talking heads only. My suggestion would be to have the characters do something visually interesting instead of just sitting at desks or couches talking.

My thoughts after the first twenty pages.
I'm still not sure who the protagonist is here. Who am I supposed to be rooting for? Now I'm thinking that it's not Claire. The most likable person so far is Parker. I was just about to say too, that I was wondering what happened to the chest, but you took care of that at the end of page 20.

So far, we have a tea chest found in the 1920s that is several hundred years old. Somehow it ends up in an antique shop where Claire finds it. A rich southern lady dies and leaves her estate to her daughter whom no one has heard from for ten years. She does not at this point play a big part in this story at all. One of her sons robs the other son and takes everything of value from his townhouse, including the tea chest. So, Graham must have sold it to the antique shop. Now Claire has it and she also just happens to be the rich old lady's decorator.

Page 22.   They roll "down" a country road.

Page 23.   "He could be wrong. He may have been under the influence of drugs at the time."  That doesn't seem like something someone would say in this situation. At least not to me.

Page 24.   Parker backhands Molly???? Now, that really doesn't seem to fit here. If anything, I honestly thought Parker might turnout to be a good guy, but then he hits a strange woman? An older one even.

There is also another thing that I'm wondering about here. Parker is pushing Molly about having bought stolen goods. I don't know how this business works, so I'm just asking. Is it common for antiques dealers to have to find out if the merchandise is stolen before they buy it? I know they have to in pawn shops, but is that really the case for this type of place? It just seems that Molly is in the right here, which really works against the character Parker.

What does, they are to far for jitters mean?

Page 25.   I appreciate the conversation between Jayden and Claire over the visuals of Francois and Graham and Parker, however, when that is done, the  scenes usually have something in common. The dialogue has something to do with the visuals. I didn't see that here. Did I miss it?

Now Graham is beating Molly as well?

Page 26.   Now Graham is punching Molly. Do you realize that this makes us hate the two brothers? Maybe that's your intent. We'll see.

Page 27.   Don't get why they have to burn the antique store down...

Page 28.   So, Jayden is a cheater, or just an attorney willing to do anyting for a few bucks?  

Page 29.   Last time we saw Francois, just a couple of scenes back, he was leaving the store with the chest. IMO, there needs to be a scene between that one and the one where he's back at the store the next day. You don't have to show us where he went with it, but there needs to be something in between those two scenes for it to flow better and don't feel disjointed. Maybe just a tiny hint as to where he went.

Page 31.   Some mommy abuse? Good twist, unless you intended for her to be the protag.

Page 33.   The Biltmore. Love it! Also, the home of Mason Verger.

Page 31 - 35 Again, way too long a scene. I honestly don't think the whole story about the grandfather is necessary. I get the feeling that this part is dear to you, but for a film, I would suggest cutting that down to two pages. There's a well know expression for writers, "kill your darlings/babies". Writers hate doing it, but for the good of the whole, it's sometimes necessary.

I'm thinking good ole Francois will try to get the ransom for the chest himself?

Page 39.   Things are getting interesting.

Page 40.   a chest LIKE this once

Okay, my take after the first 40 pages. I still have no idea who our protag/hero is supposed to be. I honestly don't like any of the characters. They have all proven themselves to be bad people in one way or another. That's not good. I think it's something you can easily fix once you decide who the hero is.

Also, it's only now at 40% into the story that something really interesting is happening. I love the Blackbeard's treasure idea, but it comes way too late IMHO.

I'm on page 45 and I think this Anne and Graham thing is getting a little weird. It's not like I'm against incest in films, but it's usually a big subject in the film. Here it's barely even a subplot. Like something normal. I'm not sure how to feel about it here.

Page 46.   So, Jayden cheats on his wife. By now, it seems there is something wrong with Laura, but I have no idea what. She's 40, I think and both times we've seen her, she's been in bed. I would suggest filling us in on her condition when we first see her. Right now, I'm just confused.

Did Parker leave the map? People are already going to know Inner Space has been burglarized, so why leave without nothing? Maybe have Parker break in without a trace. Maybe he is good at opening locks. Breaking the window and not taking anything would cause more, suspicion IMO.

Page 47 - 49. Same issue as with the Vanderbilt Biltmore story. Too long and not really interesting. People will tune out. Find another channel. Trim it, trim it, trim it.

Why have a little glimpse of Graham in bed and then leave? We already know he slept with his mother. What does this scene do for us here, now?

So, mother and son are going to get kinky too...

Page 54.   Claire should be a little more upset to find out Jayden is married, IMO.

I'll be honest, but I'm having some serious issues with the son and mother thing. It doesn't seem to fit the rest of the story. At all. What is the point of this subplot? If it's all about the doubloon, it still seems way too extreme.

While Parker's mother is being murdered by his brother, Parker is discussing decorating choices. This is starting to feel very disjointed to me.

Page 56.   I think the problem here, that makes it so disjointed is that everything here besides the Mother son thing is a PG script. The Graham and Anne story is an R. Maybe even a hard R for incest and sadism. Even if nothing is shown, we're not exactly left guessing either. My suggestion is to choose the tone and rating and then stick to it throughout.

Page 57.   Again, we have intercutting scenes that don't belong together, at all. Francois on the beach digging while Anne is gutted. It's jarring.

Also, why is Francois filling in the hole?

Page 58.   "He listens for half a minute before he kills the call." Are you saying we the audience should sit patiently and wait while he sits with a phone to his ear for 30 seconds? That doesn't make for good cinema.

Page 61.   Parker doesn't seem too upset about his mother having just been murdered.

Page 63.   Parker smiles? If he didn't like his mother, I still think smiling here is the wrong thing you should have him do.

Page 64.   Parker wants to talk decorating and spend time with Claire???? His mother has just been brutally murdered!!! By his brother!!! Don't you see how wrong this is?

Why these constant little scenes with Francois? They don't really add anything to the story.










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RichardR
Posted: September 21st, 2015, 2:21pm Report to Moderator
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all,

thanks to anyone who read this.  The fact that people couldn't finish says more about me than about them.  I agree that the pace is too slow, that the story doesn't twist enough.  

With Parker, Anne, and Graham I was reaching for a dysfunctional southern family where they abound.  The chest is meant to be perhaps real, perhaps not.    There is no love lost between mother and sons, and I think I portrayed that.  Graham is a little torn because he was the victim the first time around.  But he hates his mother too...she left.

The protag is not as strong as one would want.  She comes alive only at the end, but then she's not trained to perform great feats.

In all, I think the macguffin works, but the story lags.  I should kill off Frenchy earlier and ramp up the love triangle.

best
Richard
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Toby_E
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Hey Richard,

Just seen that you've commented on Blood Harvest. Big thank you for that. You raised some great points. I will try my best to reply to them sometime tomorrow, if not Wednesday.

I've got to page 44. I will finish reading your script tomorrow.

But in the meantime, here are my thoughts so far:

P. 1 – I feel this scene would work better if you end on the “There’s something down there line.” By ending on that, you’re ending on the strongest line of the scene, and I feel this sets up the subsequent transition to the box more effectively.
Although I imagine there will be subsequent examples as well, I’m just going to briefly mention this here; there are some issues with the writing, in the sense that I do not always feel your descriptions are as effective, or visual, as they could be. For example, “a successful man with an afternoon off...” – I’m really not sure what this looks like. How do we know that he’s successful? Through his clothing? His way of speaking? This type of description just seems a little lazy in my opinion, as you’re telling versus showing. Similarly: “A 12x12x12, corroded, metal box sits on the work bench in this old fashioned garage. To one sides sits a 1920 car.” Not to mention the typo (“sides” should be “side”), this description really doesn’t conjure up a clear image for me. What makes the garage old fashioned? Show us. Don’t tell us. What type of car is this? Throw us some specifics. Show the reader that you know what you’re talking about.

But on the same point, other aspects are under-described. For example, the slug: “EXT. TOPSAIL ISLAND SOUND – DAY” Not to mention that you repeat the “Topsail Island” part in the super directly below, I don’t think this is a great slug. I cannot picture the scene from the slug alone, but you don’t describe this scene (apart from the “bobbing in the waves part) – are they near shore? Miles from land?

I won’t pick up on little issues with the writing later (unless something really trips me up), but I recommend going through each scene and scrutinising the description and action, asking yourself if: A) you have provided enough detail (without overwriting) for the reader to effectively picture the scene, and; B) you are showing details, rather than merely falling back on telling the reader.

P. 2 – “Father’s” doesn’t need to be capatalised.

“Inside, the driest tea leaves ever, leaves hundreds of years old.” I wasn’t a fan of the “driest tea leaves ever” line, as this is the kind of line which makes little sense, as something like this is so unquantifiable.

P. 3 – The transition from the past to the present wasn’t as smooth as I would have hoped for. Maybe something as simple as a fade to black would work.

“Yeah, a treasure chest.” This line felt unnecessary.

P. 4 – “INT. INNER SPACE – DAY” This is a pretty dreadful slug. The first line of the description (“Claire’s store...”) should be in the slug somewhere.
P. 6 – “He looks like the bad boy he’s become.” OK, I said that I wasn’t going to comment too much on the writing, but this line needs to go, as I have no idea what that means.

“...the proverbial prodigal son”... “One row behind the trio stands JAYDEN MABURY, 40, handsome in all black, the family attorney”... Your character introductions need quite a bit of work There’s so much telling, here. How do we know he’s the prodigal son? How do we know this guy’s their attorney? This stuff just screams lazy writing. I did like the “high” line when introduced Graham though.

This death scene with Jaxi... This didn’t work for me; mainly because it was so left-field, and wasn’t in line with how you’ve introduced Jayden. He tries hiding his weed, tries convincing his Grandma that he won’t get in trouble, this would indicate he cares about her... but then his actions here are so callous, I don’t know, man. If you want to keep this, I would consider making him more of a dick earlier. Have him blatantly not giving a fuck about what his Grandma says. He doesn’t try and hide the weed. He lights up in her face, whilst she’s talking to him. Maybe also give us some insight into why he doesn’t intervene. Is she threatening to cut him off if he doesn’t stop smoking?

OK, so I’ve read the first ten pages, and I have the exact same problems with this as I did previously: The story is all over the place. I still have no idea what the central story is going to be or, more worryingly, who our protagonist is. You introduce a number of key characters in successive scenes, but we never stick with anyone for more than a short scene or two, which means we never get the sense of whose story this is. I’m guessing (from your logline, at least) that Claire is our protag. But why should I care about following her? What have you shown us to make us want to follow her – or any of these characters, for that matter – for another 90 pages?

I would consider beefing up what you have here. Your script is only 101 pages, so you have a good 10 pages or so to work with. I wouldn’t necessary consider using this much here, as we still want to get to the central dramatic question/story as early as possible, but I would still recommend using a few more scenes here, pushing this opening 10 pages to 15, and using these scenes to only focus on Claire. Show us that this is her story. Show us why we should care. Show us what makes her unique, what it is that motivates her, what are her central relationships, and what in these need fixing? Have the audience connect with her. Give us something to make us WANT to follow her for the next 90 pages. I’m guessing that Parker is going to try and get this chest back from her? But for this to work, we need to see: A) what the chest means to Claire, and; B) what she’s set to lose if Parker does indeed retrieve it. Because, at the moment, I don’t fear for Claire if Parker tracks her down, i.e., I doubt any harm would come to her if her found her, and she gave him back the chest (contrast this to, say, No Country; we know that Josh Brolin is dead if Anton Chiguh ever tracks him down). So give us a reason to care about what happens to her box. Furthermore, by doing this and beefing up this earlier part, you also spread out these extra character introductions, so the 10 pages won’t feel so taxing on the old memory, as keeping tabs on all these characters thus far hasn’t been easy.

Ouch. This scene. So much backstory revealed in such a short space of time.

GRAHAM: “Hell, you haven’t been around for ten years.”
PARKER (to Jayden): “Are you sure about this. Our mother abandoned the whole family.”

Not to mention that both lines are over-the-top with the old backstory, but they both reveal identical information. The top line is bearable on its own, so I would recommend axing the second.

Dude, this scene with Parker and Roger? It goes on for waaaaaaaaaay too long.

ROGER: I’ll tell you a story.
PARKER: I don’t have time.
ROGER: Yes, you do.

No, we don’t. We really don’t. We’ve been away from our protag for a good five pages, and now this Roger character is dragging this scene on with a redundant story. And the worst part of it was that I was actually quite liking this scene until it outstayed its welcome. I would consider cutting the scene here:

ROGER: “What’s it worth to you to get my approval?”

Parker’s eyes narrow.


That’s your watershed moment, the moment where the dynamics of the scene completely change. Cut there, on the strongest moment. Go out with a bang, a mystery to feed the reader to keep them interested, rather than heaping all of your information on us at once, and having the scene fizzle out.

Page 19 – I was quite liking this scene again, but as before, it goes on for waaaaaaaaay too long.

GRAHAM: “I swear, I swear it wasn’t me. I could never steal from you.”

This scene was going swimmingly, with this line; we have some real nice mystery. Who robbed Parker? What did they steal?... And then all is revealed: It was Graham, and he only stole money and property to sell for weed. Thus, the earlier mystery is rendered completely useless, and all we find out by solving the mystery is what we already know: Graham doesn’t really like his family, but he sure as hell likes his weed.

The only saving grace of this scene was that we find out that Parker really cares about the tea-chest, which in itself, is a little mystery. But I still feel this scene would have worked better if we didn’t find out it was Graham who broke in (even if it was), with the extra mystery of why Parker wants the tea-chest also being introduced in the scene, later.

Also, Graham’s dependence seems more in line with the harder stuff, notably heroin. Why not just make him a full blown upper class junkie?


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Toby_E
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... CT'D...

Page 21 – This scene needs a lot of work. Conflictless, little information – either related to the characters or the story – is revealed, dialogue is mostly banter or filler revealing what we already know, and I wasn’t a fan of the running “ET” gag either. Sorry to be harsh, but we’re 21 pages in now, and still the central story hasn’t emerged. We can’t waste pages on scenes like this here.

Further expanding on this, the main problem so far is this; there is neither a story nor a protagonist emerging. And this is a real problem.

I know I said for you to spend more time with Claire earlier, but you still need to get to the central story earlier.

Streamline everything.

Is it necessary for us to see the death of the Grandma? And even the funeral? What was the point of that scene? Can we not just be introduced to Parker with his trashed flat, then maybe have him visit his brother, so we’re introduced to him, then have the scene with the family with the attorney? Boost Claire’s involvement as well. What does she want to gain? Why? If she’s your protag, make this her story, with the other subplots growing from this central story, not the other way around (which is how it currently is). At the moment, the story that you are telling is Parker’s. This isn’t necessary bad, because he seems a whole lot more interesting than Claire. But I’m not sure I want my protag to go around backhanding women. I think Parker works best as an antagonistic force. Maybe further increase the stakes by hinting that the man could be dangerous.

P. 24 – “Drinks in front of them, they’re too for jitters.” Huh?

Argh, this voiceover... Seriously, cut it. Backstory, revealed in the worst way possible. Once again, telling versus showing. End this previous scene with Claire’s “Are you sure that I’m not?” line, as I thought this was strong. But this voiceover... This wasn’t great, dude.

This scene with the brother’s torturing Molly – better. Doing exactly as I hoped you would, and making these guys the true antagonistic force at hand.

However, I have two minor gripes: Firstly, everything that has come previously would indicate that it would be Parker slapping Molly, and Graham searching the files, not vice versa, and secondly, why is Molly holding out this information? What does she lose by telling the brother’s who she sold the chest to? Give us some reason for her to take a beating for the sake of the chest.

Yeah, the return to the dinner scene... Not great. The main problem with this dialogue and voiceover was that it was completely void of any conflict or subtext. It was just two people sprouting their backstory. No one wanted anything from the scene, which was surprising, because both went into the scene with clear goals: Claire wanted to find out about the estate, Jayden wanted to bed her. But then, here they are, discussing backstory.

Either cut the scene short, or give it a reason to exist.

Wow, so Molly died for Claire? A complete stranger? Shit. That just doesn’t ring true, for me.

P. 27 – “Parker drives as Graham reads through the business cards Parker took from Molly’s. The ones he doesn’t like he tosses out he window.” Say what? How does he decide what ones he doesn’t like?

I personally feel that you are making a mistake by overcomplicating the story by introducing this doubloon. There’s already a lot going on, and I feel that introducing a secondary goal for Parker and Graham will add an additional complication that you don’t need; an additional subplot to pull the reader’s focus from the central story (when it finally does emerge). I hope you prove me wrong.

P. 28 – We really shouldn’t be spending time with Jayden and his wife (?).

P. 31 – This scene sums up the problems so far:

“Claire leans over the side and lets her fingers brush the water as the boat leans. At the helm, Jayden smiles at the wind and sun. A beautiful day to be on the water.”

This is your protag... 32 pages in... without a clear story... and she’s just sunbathing on a boat? I get that the tension is slowly rising, with Parker and Graham getting closer, but without either: 1) A reason for us to care about Claire losing the box, or; 2) A reason for us to fear for Claire once Parker and Graham find her, then the stakes/tensions is always going to be pretty low. Furthermore,

P. 32 – “Tell me a story.” Fuck! Not another story. I am guessing that some of the information contained in here is going to be crucial to the central mystery of what is this chest... But I seriously found myself skimming this scene. Which, isn’t great if the scene contains some information which will be central. I know that exposition heavy scenes cannot always be avoided. I am guilty of them as well, and I too am struggling to find a way to make the ones that I have in my scene work. But I really think that you need to trim this scene down to its bare bones. Give us the information you need, as concisely as possible, then get the hell out of the scene. It seems that even you/Claire are aware that the scene and the story drags:

CLAIRE: “Do southern tales ever get to the point?”

I feel this relationship between Claire and Jayden needs some work, mainly because it seems just tagged onto the story, without effecting the central story, or the protag in any way, i.e., where is the conflict? Claire seems to have some reservations inviting Jayden in, but how does this relationship reflect her character? Where is the internal/external conflict? Where are the issues in the relationship which need to be resolved?

P. 43 – Hmmm, this scene has a lot to like (aside from it being a bit on the long side), as it’s pretty heavy in dramatic irony and subtext. Furthermore, we finally have Claire being active...! I still feel this scene could work even better if we feel that Claire is threatened, really up the tension. Maybe the audience knows that Parker is some kind of dangerous, ruthless psychopath. Maybe he suspects that Claire knows more than she’s letting on. Just some ideas, but I feel that could really up the tension and the dramatic irony.

Also, this line – “I can see why you want a chest.” – should be “the chest”.


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RichardR
Posted: September 21st, 2015, 6:45pm Report to Moderator
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Toby,

Thanks for the notes. I can't argue. You're mostly right. It's the problem with having. 7 weeks to finish. Your attention is appreciTed.

Best
Richard
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Toby_E
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Hey Richard,

Got to page 89. Need to quickly run for a meeting, but I will finish this tonight.

My thoughts for the next 45ish pages are below:

P. 44 – “She hands him her card.” This shouldn’t be dialogue? I’m not even sure this scene is needed?

P. 47 – This scene… Cut it. It’s two and a half pages or irrelevant, conflict-less chatter. No-one in the scene wants anything. Claire goes from dinner-to-breakfast, without any real sense of direction. What does she want from this story?

“He doesn’t have to lift the blanket to see that he’s naked. He knows.” How will this look on screen?

P. 52 – Errrr, wtf’s happening here?

p. 53 – This should be Claire exploring the island, not Frenchie. Every character in this story is more active than Claire. Even Anne (she wants to molest her son), Jayden (he wants to sleep with Claire) and even Jayden’s wife (she doesn’t want him going out). But I would struggle to identify what Claire wants. She originally wanted to do something with Jaxi’s estate, that was why she visited Jayden in the first place, but that soon evaporated… She then wanted to find out about the chest, so she had dinner with Parker, but that, too, soon evaporated… Even this next scene, where Parker reveals to Claire that Jayden was married… The reader should share Claire’s pain here. But because we’re never sure how she feels about the man (she didn’t want to commit earlier, then she’s out buying dinner for Parker), it’s hard to be affected by this scene.

This Anne/Graham relationship needs a lot of work, IMO. It’s too explicit, for my liking. Have you watched season 2 of True Detective? Whilst some people hated it, there was a lot to like there. Especially the relationship between Taylor Kitsch and his mum. The incest was hinted at, and it was this subtext which made their relationship as interesting as it was. Maybe dial back the explicitness of the relationship here? A little can go a long way.

This death scene was too left-field for me, as well. How does this change the story? I’m up to page 85, and the mother’s death has yet to impact the story. Graham hasn’t been arrested. The police aren’t snooping around. This plot point needs to impact the story, bro. There needs to be some kind of complication from this. There’s just so much going on, but none of it involving Claire, who seems to be happy to drift from one dinner scene to another.

P. 58 – “He listens for half a minute before he kills the call.” Have you thought about how this would look on the screen? Someone standing there, passive, for 30 seconds?

This phone call could have been created some real conflict, what with Parker having to run off, cut the dinner date short… but because neither character has a goal for the scene, it’s just too people talking again, there is little for this phone conversation to obstruct.

“You’re not yet under arrest, but that can change. Want to tell me what happened?” Huh?! How has he not been charged?! Why wouldn’t he have a criminal attorney? Why didn’t he try and hide the body?

P. 61 – I don’t know how things work stateside, but in the UK, this guy most certainly wouldn’t be sitting at home a few hours after killing someone, even if it was self-defence. “The police haven’t completed their investigation. Until they do, there’s not a lot to do.” <-- This. Surely they wouldn’t let this guy out, until they’re sure that this was self-defence? Especially with what Parker/Graham are set to inherit? Surely the police would be sniffing around this?

Would Jayden really be having this conversation with Parker in front of Claire?

P. 65 – “How can I turn down such an offer? I’ll meet you there.” They haven’t set a meeting place yet?

This transition from Graham grabbing a beer from the fridge to breaking into Claire’s house reads awkwardly, as if we’re missing a good two of three scenes between. Nothing in Graham’s behaviour indicates that he is about to do anything other than to collapse on the sofa and enjoy his beers.

I’m at a loss as to this scene with Graham, as well. How does he know where Claire lives? Why is he obsessed with her? (i.e. stealing her panties.) What is he doing there?

Ah! And another scene with Claire at dinner. Dude, half of Claire’s screen time must have been spent aimlessly talking around a dinner/breakfast table. And this is meant to be our protag?

“I’m afraid I have to cut dinner short.” Why? This seems as if it has been added to simply add some kind of tension, in relation to Graham’s burglary, without there being a justified reason for Claire actually cutting the dinner short.

Huh??? So Graham is at Claire’s because of Parker…? Did I miss something? Just gone back and seen the “At nine” line. Hmmm. I missed that one first time around. Maybe make it a bit more explicit why Graham has gone to Claire’s. IMO, you gain nothing here – only lose something – by avoiding this clarity. By making this crystal clear, you’ll not only give this Parker/Claire dinner some great subtext, but Parker will also have a goal (keeping Claire at dinner with him). He needs to try and stop her leaving.

P. 69 – Why does Graham leave when he sees the SMS message? Surely, that warning is now null-and-void after knocking her unconscious?

P. 71 – “No, no, no, you will not touch her. Do you understand?” Have you seen The Town? This does something similar, with the character dynamics of the lead female/male character, and the unhinged secondary male character. If you haven’t watched it, I highly recommend it. The scene in the pizzeria is a masterclass of dramatic irony.

P. 73 – “Your payment. t he door was unlocked.” Typo.

“Say, as an attorney, do you know anyone in the police department?” Why hasn’t she already phoned the police? Why would she need an attorney’s help here?

P. 77 – This scene was far too unnatural, with the exposition and character motivation overload.

P. 79 – Two of these slugs are missing ‘full stops’ after the INT./EXT.

P. 82 – So Claire still hasn’t reported the burglary?

P. 83 – “Mind keeping the chest for a day or two while I clear my head?” The brothers have been in the shop asking for the chest. The shop is broken into, followed by Claire’s place. And then Francois is offering her the chest to look after? Why can’t he store it himself, in his house? Why haven’t either of them made the connection between Parker and the robbery?

P. 84 – Further building on my previous comment, I am sure that the police would be further investigating the death of Anne, now that Graham and Parker are set to inherit everything. It’s not like she died in some kind of accident. The woman was stabbed to death.

P. 85 – And now further based on my other previous comment – I really do feel that there is too much going on, with the chest and the doubloon. Your story is being stretched too thin across too many subplots, that nothing really stands out.

P. 88 – “You think you can steal our treasure? Enough?” Graham was the one who stole it in the first place…? Graham needs quite a bit of work, IMO. What does he want? Why does he suddenly care so much about the chest he originally stole? He seemed to want the doubloon, but now he’s happy to murder someone over a chest which he didn’t seem to care about when he sold it earlier?

Claire has totally disappeared from the story these last few pages... You could honestly remove her from the story, and there would be very little change to the overall script. In fact, why not combine her and Francois? Francois is the most active of the two. Why not make Claire the one who is obsessed with the chest?


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RichardR
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thanks for the detailed comments.  They all go into the hopper.

Best
Richard
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Toby_E
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Hey Richard,

Here is the final part of the review, as promised.

Picking up where I left off on page 88...

OK, so Francois meets his violent demise. All very well and good. But I feel this needs to come a looooooooooot earlier. What's the point of upping the stakes with only a few pages to go? This could act as a great midpoint or, at the absolute latest, an effective bridge into act 2. But this happening at page 88 in a 101 page script is far too late, IMO.

There are also some issues with this scene, which stem from bigger problems in the script as a whole:

1. The chest needs to be set up more effectively as a McGuffin, for people (i.e. Francois) to be willing to die to protect it. What is this chest to Francois? He could have straight away told Graham where the chest was, and saved both his and (potentially -- not sure how this will play out) Claire's life. Why is he willing to die for the chest?

2. Why is Graham willing to go to such great lengths to be reunited with the chest? After all, this was the chest that he had previously sold. But now he's graphically torturing a man to get it back. Just a quick idea: What if Anne was never on the scene? (I feel that neither herself, nor the incest subplot added nothing to the story.) Then when Jaxi dies, she leaves everything to Parker... But the one thing Parker doesn't have is this chest, because Graham's already pawned it. This chest really means something to Parker. He knows that no amount of money in the world will be able to return it. He also knows that Graham is his only route to retrieving the chest, as it was him who sold it in the first place. So Parker cuts Graham a deal: Find the chest, and he gets X amount of money/Jaxi's mansion, etc. That way, Graham actually has a solid motivation for wanting to retrieve the chest.

P. 90 -- Cut the inane talk about Jayden and Laura. Get down to the meat of the convo quicker.

P. 94 -- I don't buy Claire letting these guys into her house, after the break in.

P. 99 -- So the chest is revealed to be worth a million dollars... Surely these guys were set to inherit more than this from the estate, anyway? Maybe increase the chest's worth? Also, get this in earlier, so we know what's at stake.

I thought the grappling scene was good, but the story's conclusion felt too rushed, in my opinion. Overall, there wasn't a strong enough theme to make this closing shot of the burned chest an eeffectively emotive closing shot.

I've got a suggestion on how you can improve this, which I talk about in the 'Claire' point below.

OK, so I finished. As you can probably tell from my notes, I did have some problem with the story. The two main issues were:

1. Claire as a character -- This was the biggest issue here. Claire does nothing all story. You could remove her, and aside from the final scene, the narrative of the story would hardly be effected. In fact, even in the final scene, Jayden comes to the rescue. This needs to be your main focus going forward. Give Claire some kind of goal, something she wants to achieve, then throw obstacles in her way. I'm not trying to tell you how to write your story -- far from it -- but I do have one or two potential suggestions. I mentioned earlier about the closing scene failing to evoke much emotional response in me as the reader. This could be rectified, with Claire's burning of the chest indicating her arcing as a character. What flaw would this show her overcoming? Maybe greed? And if so, what type of goal/story would best exploit this? Maybe she comes into possession of the box. Sells it for a few thousand dollars. Parker's sniffing around. Her and Francois realise that the box is worth a whole lot more than what she sold it for. So she tries to track it down herself. Meanwhile, we have Parker and Graham killing everyone in their way on route to tracking down the box themselves. Claire gets the box back. Parker and Graham kill Francois. Claire goes on the run with the box, only to finally be caught, where she burns the box to escape herself.

Just throwing some ideas out there.

But either way, focus on making this story about Claire.


2. The McGuffin -- I'm not going to go into this in too much detail, as I've already talked about this earlier, but I'm just going to briefly mention it again, as effectively establishing the importance of the McGuffin is crucial for a story such as this, with the McGuffin being the central driving force in the narrative. If people in the story are willing to kill to obtain the McGuffin, or die to keep it hidden, we need to clearly know the object's worth, for these plot points to be clear for us. At the moment, this wasn't the case. We only knew the chest's worth right at the end. By this time, too much blood had already been shed, most of it causing confusion on my end.


Despite these issues, there was a lot to like in here, and I definitely feel the idea has merit. Work on these aforementioned issues, and you could have something here. Also, dude! You wrote a frigging feature in seven weeks. That, in itself, is a major accomplishment. Most writers don't finish a feature ever, and you've gone and produced one in seven weeks. Congratulations there.

If you want me to further expand on anything, just let me know.

I'll try to get around to replying to your comments on Blood Harvest tomorrow.

Best,

Toby.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: September 26th, 2015, 8:04am Report to Moderator
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treasure chest

ello roger, glad you are jolly

First part...sorry the read has taken time, and needs finishing ...Ill try and finish this weekend

Let's have a look...

P3 not sure how we know she's an interior decorator..would designer be better? Perhaps a design magazine in hand, or plans of someone's room?
P4 you could probably take out the sunglasses line, doesn't link to what follows
P4 nice intro to Francois...the camp Frenchman is not unusual but would suit
P4 tea nee...?
P7 para starting... What did I tell you... I think this could be re worked
P9 tan and thin and flaky... One to many ands for my taste
P20 ah ha .. so the chest was stolen

Ok what have we got so far.
Protagonist - interior designer with French assistance. Just about to go out with lawyer. Dead granny, inheritance to daughter, one son a druggie the other more of a wild boy.

Drugie needs money, parker needs money and is being ripped off.

Genre - feels like a simple drama. Not much in mystery so far.

Claire - I think we could do with a little more desire, what she after?

But so far reads well and is clear enough.



My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Reef Dreamer
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Carrying on...

P21 ET dialogue is not the best - but i get the tome your looking for. reminds me of Notting hill
i think they should discuss what the letters could mean, and how to find out...
p24 ok parkers just upped the stakes with an assault on molly
Drinks in front of them, they’re too for jitters. ????
INT. INNER SPACE - CONTINUOUS - better revise this, i thought we were with the stars. just remember this si the name of the shop..humm, may be worth revising
p25 im a fan on VO overlapping scenes but be aware not to do too much
graham hitting her..i suppose but this si parkers anger. i would stick with him whilst ordering graham. also if he is this nasty i think some forshadowing is worthwhile an di don't feel we have had that.
p26 by the restaurant we've had too much VO IMO
p27 whoa..this really has stepped up...i like it but it feels a tad out of time with the previous 20 odd pages
Laura -??
p31 err...graham...mommy?
p35 - i like the story but it goes on too long and better have a real point, which so far is not clear
p37 didnt anne get the inheritance? if so why she need graham?
p42 i like the idea of claire seeking to help parker, gets he into the mix

Supposedly, he was trying to retrieve a lost fishing reel. thats the kind of detail you can avoid to make it slimmer. the viewer already knows
p54 the island could do with a d description, where it is , what etc
wouldn't a metal detector be better than random digging?
DUI ???
i think francois has gone back too quickly. being there feels repetitive
sand dunes move - perhaps you could get francois to try and work out the movement. where they may have been two hundred years before?
i like the initials slip up
Claire arrives. - bit misleading as it suggests she's just arrived, whens thats already happened
Your payment. t he door was unlocked. - typo
Why would I need a gun - missing full stop
p76 - I’ll be back. make it clearer he is leaving
p79 a fews slugs have missing full stops
p91 they have sene him go to the island with shovels. they see him drawing a map. don't you think they would have gone out there as well? i know they have got the chest but they could get the drawing or have a look around

ok finished.

Overall a fair effort with potential.

What would i suggest.

Claire - she is everything in this and i feel we need a little more from her. what she want? whats her weakness? how does that conflict with the story? if she's broke the treasure could be lure ? if she's lonely love could make her blind etc

tone - i appreciate it has to be upped as the story goes along but it does feel like it goes from family drama to sick thriller. i appreciate the dying grandmother does set the tone but just be mindful of the rest.

an idea.

french is killed. she guesses who, but if re written there is no evidence. so she sets a trap for parker and graham, with jayden as advisor - the mission to trap the killers, get a confession and ideally, find out about the map (say there is missing piece of the puzzle, like a missing part that the boys father saw, but is now missing, but they know what it said/was etc). this would make her dynamic, well motivated, connect with jayden and possibly in that scene she would have to decide between the money and justice. tension

all the best








My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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ChrisBodily
Posted: September 30th, 2015, 10:12pm Report to Moderator
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Dipping my toes into the final feature...

The first 11 look virtually unchanged. That's not a good sign, as per my previous review.

P15

Code

ROGER (CONT’D)
Lenny had a jewelry store.  Not the 
biggest, not the priciest, just a 
nice living.  Paid all the bills.  
Once a month, Lenny’s brother[-]in[-] 
law would stop in to chew the fat 
and hit Lenny for a hundred bucks.  
Lenny called it his happy house 
insurance.  Lenny’s wife was bitchy 
enough without her brother stirring 
the pot, and Lenny could afford the 
hundred bucks. 



Trim this. Trim it in half. Trim it in two thirds. Trim it in three quarters.

Code

ROGER (CONT’D)
Lenny had a jewelry store. Paid 
all the bills. Once a month, 
Lenny’s brother-in-law would stop 
in and hit Lenny for a hundred bucks.
Called it his happy house insurance.



Code

PARKER
Is this going somewhere?



That's what I asked pages ago.

The next block of dialogue is seventeen lines!

Code

ROGER
One month, the brother-in-law wants 
another hundred, more than Lenny’s 
willing to pay, but keeping the bitch 
happy... ya know?

Roger laughs nervously.

ROGER
When his wife's out of town, he
invites the brother-in-law over for 
a few drinks. The brother-in-law 
doesn't make it up the stairs.

PARKER
What happens?

ROGER
He rolls down the stairs, 
snaps his neck.



That's a little more down to earth.

P18

Ugh. Nothing really interesting is happening, just dragging along. I'm out. I can't read anymore.

Again, nothing about this script says "thriller." This film is about as much a thriller as it is science fiction, from what I've read. This is unbearably boring, I'm sorry.

4 out of 10.


FADE IN:

Revision History (1 edits)
ChrisBodily  -  September 30th, 2015, 10:49pm
Correcting rating
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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 30th, 2015, 5:11am Report to Moderator
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Not read anyone else's comments, so forgive me if I repeat anything.

Code

A 12x12x12, corroded, metal box sits...



12x12x12 what? CM, Inches, Millimetres? And if it is one of those measurements, then why not write: A 12 inch squared, corroded, metal box sits...

Old fashioned garage? It's the 1920s as per your super. What's old fashioned about it? Same with the car, be better to mention name and model than the year it's from.

Code

...her tank top does nothing for the fat.



I wouldn't expect it to.

Code

A first-class burglary.



But it isn't... it's a low class apartment.

You've just described Parker as a bad boy, now he's calling the police?

After 10 pages. I was thinking this was a kids film, but then a guy smoking weed and allowing his grandma to have a heart attack without doing anything about it, says different. I'm assuming your hook is that the viewer will wan t to know more about the box, but at the moment I just don't care. There's a lot of talking going on. Things are happening but not enough to keep my interest at the moment.

Code

ROGER You know, that’s the trouble with the younger generation. You always got a smartass remark, a smartass remark. Like that makes you bright or something. 

PARKER What if I play dumb? 

ROGER You don’t have to play.



He berates him for a smartass remark, then comes out with one himself.

At last, a character I like... Roger. Not the nicest of people, but he has character. I hope he's in it more.

Page 24... finally getting good.... and yet, at the same time, it's a break in the tone. So far this has been a kiddie mystery film, like Enid Blyton's Secret Seven or Famous Five. Now things have gotten a bit hardcore. Yes, I like it, but it doesn't fit with the rest of the film. I think, organically, this story is asking to be a U.

GRAHAM She wouldn’t talk.

Doesn't ring true. She's the owner of an antique shop and she's just been beaten up, literally tortured, and she wouldn't talk? When shit is real, she would talk, and she would talk fast. The only issue then, is what Graham does with her afterward.
The Southern Story needs a better delivery. Maybe a good actor could pull it off but, in the very least, the lines will need tweaking.

At around page 46... and this is turning out to be a very well crafted story. I bet you did a heap of research into Mr Teach. I think your first act suffers a little through drag, but that could just be reading it... on screen we may be a little more patient.

JAYDEN Your turn.
CLAIRE My turn?
JAYDEN To tell a story.
CLAIRE I have no stories.
JAYDEN Everyone has stories. Tell me one, a good one.


I literally groaned when I read the above. I can't read another heap of poorly delivered exposition. Skipping, I'm afraid.

Weed? Crack I could understand... even then, it would take some serious abuse to lose your mind like that. It's like you don't have any idea what you're talking about. A weak area of the script that could do with some serious research.

I'm not buying that he could get away with killing his mother. Maybe if he hid the body, yeah... but to walk in and out of a police station, I'm not buying.

Not buying the conversation at the end. There is more to Parker and Claire's relationship than this conversation warrants. Seems very forced.

What does the wrong dream mean? I didn't get that bit.

Over all this is a good story. Very well thought out and complete. A few more drafts and this will be ready to put out there.  I think the tone change in the second act is a good one and I'm not sure that you should change anything in the first act. It's meant to be an escalation of events and that's what this story does. I get a Cape Fear vibe from it.

Nice work.
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