Psykyesis by Eric Wall - Thriller - A pregnant widow must unravel the mystery of a serial attacker who has been attempting to steal unborn children through crude C-sections, less she become the psycho's next victim. 100 pages - pdf, format


Psykyesis - 1st 10 pages by Eric Wall - Thriller - A recently widowed young woman must make a hard decision regarding her pregnancy. Complicating that decision... a serial attacker who has been attempting crude C-sections to steal unborn children.  1st 10 pages - pdf, format

Psykyesis? Is that a made up title? Google doesn't shed any light on it...

Whew! That's a nice gory opening, right outta the gate.

And, you kill Peter off straight away which is interesting as it did appear he'd play a bigger role - still, I reckon that'd be a different story altogether and this is obviously about MAY being left alone and pregnant with a lunatic on the horizon.

An abortion at seven months?! You'd be pushing it to find someone to do it at five. I suppose that might be the whole point in your mind when concocting this story, but I'd give that some more thought.

Eric, I'd definitely read more.

My first son was born prematurely at 6 months. He's 11 now.

Some exciting, gruesome stuff going on. Be interesting to see where this one goes. Good luck.

Hard to see where the story's going currently, the car scene was a welcome addition as the script started dragging before that point. There's not much to say here as it feels like the story's still waiting to get started, I'd definitely read on, only to see where this is going. I also like the ironic nature of the logline.

Title - is that a real word, I assume so.

Logline - sounds unpleasant, but perhaps also a little undeveloped, but then again better than most of mine!!

Ok, it's not a comedy.

Mixed signals to me during the first few pages, but actually that's ok. Too obvious is worse.

Lead - pregnant May? She's seems to be the focus but wasn't to start with. Not 100% clear.

Genre - I'll have a wild stab at horror  

Where's this going - well we have a lead from the Logline, as well as the opening, on the c section desirer. So with all the lovely pregnant lasses, I assume a village under terror, more being attacked. Mays situation confuses that, but again that could be good. Who the killer and why? Stepford wives without kids??

Oh by the way is it the doctor who miss diagnosed the still born??

Would I read on - yes, not my cup of tea, and perhaps a hard sell - or is it, I don't know - but there is a foundation.

All the best

Hey Eric,

Logline sounds... dark... so this is right up my street! Let's see if the script delivers

Wow, great opening scene. The writing was superb, and you instantly pull me in with the drama of the scene. Great work.

Page 3 is a bit confusing. The closes the door. Then she "opens the it", and then she's back outside...?

Fuck me, that was intense, haha.

Page 7 - The description seems as if it's Tori drinking the fruit punch, but the dialogue seems as if it is May drinking?

Page 9 - I'm still not 100% sure if our protag is Tori or May... I'm guessing May, but I would make this clearer, ie, have this scene on p. 9 be completely from May's POV and so cut the opening where the focus is on Tori.

Page 10 - "Must be something in the water here." Haha, I was thinking the same thing.

Jesus, was not expecting Peter's backhand. JESUS! Was not expecting the fireball car either, haha. Congrats for surprising me twice on one page.

What a strong final scene, also.

I have no idea where this is going, but I am excited to continue reading. Great work.

... P.s. But I'm not a massive fan of the title.

Hey Eric,

Title threw me a bit. Not familiar with this word.
Logline sounds crazy though. Pretty original.

Pg2.. ANN (V.O.)
But you still have to give birth to
him. You need be healthy.
(to be healthy)

Drew returns the vodka to
the refrigerator turns and stops...
(missing a comma between refrigerator and turns)

Pg3.. Jesus! Gory stuff. It's one thing sawing a pregnant woman's stomach open, but having the little head in view and all? Would this be shown? Dunno.

Pg4.. An EAGER GUEST sets a big package in front of Tori
(Sorry, I giggled)

In the corner, LIONEL (35), a man who used to go wild in his
teens but now programs software for a living and budgets his
finances using Excel, looks up from his light beer.
(That's a lot of telling. How do we know he used to go wild?)

Her posture stiffens in nervousness.
(Sounds awkward. Her posture stiffens with nerves?)

Pg5..we’ll call them BAD EXTENSIONS and BLEACH JOB
(I like it)

And the rest, I didn't really look out for mistakes because this got pretty damn good. You write well and this is an excellent set up.

Peter seemed like a horrible person, but I thought we were gonna get a lot of that and then you kill him! Surprised the hell outta me.

I'll definitely be looking forward to this.

Good luck.

Glenn.

Don't worry so much about what will be shown on screen. Just be grateful you got to read it. If they did manage to pull that off on screen it would certainly count as a memorable moment.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Don't worry so much about what will be shown on screen. Just be grateful you got to read it. If they did manage to pull that off on screen it would certainly count as a memorable moment.

It sure would. I'm not saying I'd mind, but I just know there'd be a fair bit of controversy over it. A good thing, I suppose.

Eric,

Memorable -- if graphic intro, straight into R territory.

‘Music themed bedding’ tripped me up -- it’s a bit tricky to visualize.  I think the guitar theme mobile and Drew’s Ramone’s tee suggests an interest in music.

Doctor Shipman?  Not sure if you’re UK based or not, if you are then I’d hazard a guess this is intentional.  If not, you might want to give it a google...

Think you could trim the phone dialogue -- get the most salient points across and get out.

Drew’s actions in the kitchen struck me as disconnected from the previous scene in the bedroom.  She goes from emotion overload to returning the vodka to chill and worrying about the back door. It feels a bit inconsistent.    

Was liking this up to page 12 (good work with Peter’s death -- nicely handled).  May’s dialogue with the lawyer (and granted this is a work in progress) seemed to jump the shark -- would she be so quick to divulge such personal details?  Or a lawyer to comment on abortion to a grief stricken widow?  Granted he’d know the law, but I can’t help but think he’d be keen to steer her to a medical practitioner rather than entertain the notion (though you may well know better on this aspect).  In any case, to me some of the dialogue felt out of place, shoehorned for audience benefit.

One thing that struck me was May doesn’t quite come across as your main character -- not yet.  Perhaps not crucial at this point, but she doesn’t quite stand out from the other characters.  

That said, I liked this enough to read on.  A fast 12 pages (think a further draft could see some trims to the opening scene).  Overall some memorable moments, keen to see how it all ties together.

Good luck with it.

Steve

Eric,

read your first thirteen pages. I'm a horror fan, but the subject matter is not really my bag, but that's my problem, not yours.

You set the tone for horror right off the bat. So, you succeeded there.

I haven't seen a McGuffin yet, but I'm thinking it might come into play later on?

I think my biggest issue with these early pages is that it took me a loooong time before I knew who this is going to be about. At first, I thought it was going to be Drew, then at the baby shower, I thought it was going to be Tori. After page thirteen, I'm thinking it will be May. I would suggest focusing more on May in the beginning so there's no confusion for the reader/audience who we're supposed to be rooting for.

The writing itself is fine, but could be tightened here and there.

Good start. Just make sure there's no doubt who are protag is and who the antag is. Oh, and don't forget the McGuffin.  


Page 1.    So Drew is still pregnant while downing vodka? Even if the baby can't survive outside the womb,I have no sympathy for this at all. Not a good way to start this script if we are supposed to care about Drew. It's like the opposite of a "save the cat" moment.

Page 3.    I have mixed feelings about this beginning, to be honest. At this point, I do not care for Drew at all. I'm a horror lover, but for some reason, I have always had a hard time with pregnant bellies being cut open. It also reminds me of this late term abortion/fetal tissue selling controversy going on in this country right now. Not your fault, but they all add up to unpleasantness.

Page 4.    Clunky description of Lionel.

A very compelling opening.

The second scene waned for me a bit - although I thought the dialogue was really believable.

The scene with Peter at home - well done. I did not see that twist coming.

Overall - I would read more - this is a nice start.

Title kind of throws me a little.

Pg 3 She opens the it...

It says the baby coughs etc...I thought she said the baby was already dead? A bit confused by this.

Just thinking out loud about this first baby killing thing. It may have had more tension and more
emotion/drama if the mother hadn't said the baby was already dead and was drinking. I mean if she was this mother that the baby was all she had waited on all her life and then it was cut from her stomach, to me, this would be a bigger punch in the gut for the audience. Or if she was drinking and thought the baby was already dead...I could see her kniving the baby out and then offing herself when she saw it was alive.

Some of the descriptions are a bit awkward like 'the figure admires the baby" stuff...how does a figure admire a baby like if you aren't showing the figure maybe you could reword it. The way it's written is confusing and you don't want to slow the reader down at all if you can help it.

I got some laughs from the presents at the shower but not sure I like the scene after the baby cutting scene to be a baby shower. Not sure why I don't really like that....

I would almost like more mystery surrounding Peter's abusiveness. It's all out on the table. She is obvious about his jealousy to Tori and then he is abusive to her and mean when they go home. I'd like to see more mystery surrounding this guy and their situation.

I do like the mystery surrounding why all these women are pregnant in the neighborhood.

I can tell this is horror from the beginning. I would definitely read more. I can't say that by the end of these pages though that something really happens but I guess you could say your opening was your inciting incident and that's often done in horror I think.

Good job and I look forward to seeing where this story goes

Reminds me of a short film I've been working on , I think you're doing a good job thus far building up the characters . Two pregnant women , and killer on the loose , I'm hoping you throw in a good twist somewhere in there to keep it unpredictable . Give the killer a logical reason for these killings and I think you've got a solid script as long as you set it apart from the other "slasher" films . Make it stand out .

I'm not sure anyone here really wants me to provide feedback, but I said I'd be here to help and I'm going to try to help.

I'll be starting each review the same and will follow the same format on, starting with logline.

Here we go...

Like many others, I suck at writing loglines, but that doesn't mean I can't point out obvious mistakes that shouldn't be here.

The first sentence leads me to believe this is what the script is about, but I highly doubt it (we’ll see). The second “sentence” is a fragment and doesn’t read well because of that.  This fragment sure sounds like horror, but the genre is clearly listed as “Thriller”.  My bet is that the logline needs serious work.

I have to comment on the title as well, as it’s an odd one.  I did a search and nothing comes up…although psychosis is listed, assuming I misspelled it.  Personally, a title that doesn’t have a meaning is a bad omen.  I am very interested in finding out what the title is supposed to mean.

Page 1 – Opening Slug is a problem right off the bat.  First of all, “BOY NURSERY” sounds very odd and awkward.  But more importantly, it’s just not the correct way to start or write a Slug in general.  Where are we?  Well, it appears we’re in Drew Chambers’ house – and sure enough, the 2nd Slug is exactly that (but that’s also a mistake, which we’ll get to shortly).

Opening passage is awkwardly phrased and just not the way you want to jump out of the gate.

“A female SOBBING…” – Extremely awkward and odd in not CAPPING the intro of this “female”, but deciding to CAP “SOBBING”.  Doesn’t work as written at all.

Drew’s intro is also awkward because there’s no verb here – it’s another fragment that doesn’t read well.  This entire passage is very awkwardly written and I’m getting a sense this is really rushed and unedited.

No need for the “filtered…” wrylie…this is understood.

Page 2 – Last passage before your new Slug needs to be broken up.  How can the 2nd line be included in the passage when it’s basically stating that a moment is passing?  Are you really intending on this shot just hanging for a moment?  I doubt it.

OK, so now we have a new Slug, but it’s incorrect and just downright odd.  This is a Master Slug, but it has no exact location, which seems to be “STAIRS”, and then when she’s down, in the action/description line, it reads FOYER.  Then we go to a Mini of KITCHEN.  This all needs serious attention.

But, there’s more.  We have the word, “carrying” used twice.  Just reads very poorly and I’m a bit shocked, Eric, as I know you’re a good writer and a much better writer than what’s on display here.

The passage under the Mini is also very problematic and awkwardly written.  You repeat the word “kitchen” in the prose, which is obviously repetitive and a waste, but een the description itself is just a complete throwaway.

“It shouldn’t be like that.” – Oh boy…now we have an aside that is so unnecessary.

Page 3 – “She opens the it.” – Obvious typo here.

Even the action/description lines about the “figure” read awkwardly.  This just isn’t working for me at all, sorry to say.  I think it’s your use of “it”  and “the figure”.  You’re obviously trying to conceal the identity of the killer, but is’s being done very awkwardly.

Wow, now we jump into pure horror of the very hard R to NC17 variety.  The Thriller genre is thrown out the window and replaced by hard to watch horror. And don’t get me wrong…you know I like gratuitous violence and gore, but this is borderline unfilmable and so far from mainstream watchable.

Page 4 – OK, so we’ll call the first 3 pages your intro, which is fine and cool for a horror movie, but not a thriller.  Let’s see where we’re going to go now…oh…I see…a baby shower.

Opening passage is again awkwardly written with passive verbiage throughout.

“EAGER GUEST” – Personally, I don’t like this at all, and actually find it irritating.

“a man who used to go wild in his teens but now programs software for a living and budgets his finances using Excel…” – Wow…really?  Talk about your classic unfilmable character description and this one may be near the top of most irritating.  You used 3 lines on this description.  3 lines!!!

Even May’s intro is so overwritten and awkward.  Eric, my bet is that you threw this together very quickly and didn’t go back to see what you had on the page.  IMO, this needs a lot of cleanup.

Page 5 – Wow…the new Slug is followed by two 5 line passages.  Just not what you want.  Neither passage is broken up remotely correctly and both are way overwritten.  And the 2nd has 2 new characters named Bad Extensions and Bleach Job.  I understand you’re going for humor here, but for me, it’s totally and completely misplaced, especially after what just happened 2 pages ago.  Some may enjoy this, both others will detest it.

Can’t say I’m a big fan of the exposition heavy dialogue between Tori and may that goes on for over 2 pages.  Hmmm…just too much and it doesn’t come off believable.

Wow…now we meet the total A-Hole Peter and then shortly after, he’s burned alive in a car crash.  The tone is all over the board.

Another 7 month prego chick.  Hmmm…this seems to be the angle you’d want to be gunning fro, not all the killing, death, and mean spirited peeps.

Page 12 – Lots of typos in the dialogue on this page.

It’s also another tonal change, IMO.  I’m just not feeling this, as it’s very unfocused and most likely not thought through very well.

Long, LONG blocks of dialogue filled with exposition that I highly doubt May would reveal to this lawyer.

Eric, this isn’t working for me at all, so far.  A lot of that has to do with the actual writing, which is not up to your level at all.

The story/plot seems to be very unfocused, but knowing you, I’m sure you can right this ship and pull this all together somehow.

I’d pull back on the graphic violence early on and focus on the mystery of the pregnancies and sure, the mystery killer, as well.

Hope this isn’t too harsh, and hopefully some of what I brought up will help.

Best of luck getting this done in 5 weeks.

Hey guys, a bit late to the party, but I wanted to check in. First of all, thanks to everyone for giving this a look. I'm gonna try to respond to each, but also not be too redundant.

Libby

"Psykyesis? Is that a made up title? Google doesn't shed any light on it..."

It's a cobbled together word. Kyesis is greek for pregnancy and Psy was added to evoke psycho or psychosis. In my head the title basically means, "crazy fucking pregnancy".

"An abortion at seven months?! You'd be pushing it to find someone to do it at five. I suppose that might be the whole point in your mind when concocting this story, but I'd give that some more thought. "

Different states have different laws. I picked Colorado because they allow it full term. Though you still have to find a doctor to do it, a lot of that depends on the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy. You basically need a good story.

Plotwise the person doing this wants the baby alive, so there needs to be a higher expectation of surviving a natural birth. I also found it interesting (dangerous, but interesting) to have the main character be someone who was actually willing to have an abortion at this late stage. Basically, once she realizes she's being stalked for this, she has an easy out. I intend to build up some tension around whether she'll have an abortion as a means of saving herself.

Dustin

Thanks for the read. I can only imagine how stressful that must've been. Glad to hear he's still around to drive you nuts

Mo

"Hard to see where the story's going currently, the car scene was a welcome addition as the script started dragging before that point. There's not much to say here as it feels like the story's still waiting to get started, I'd definitely read on, only to see where this is going. I also like the ironic nature of the logline."

Thanks Mo. I think I'm on target to be out of the first Act by page 20. Though it's sort of a two pronged story, with the psycho in the beginning becoming a greater and greater intrusion into May's situation.

Bill

“Where's this going - well we have a lead from the Logline, as well as the opening, on the c section desirer. So with all the lovely pregnant lasses, I assume a village under terror, more being attacked.”

Good guess Though, it wasn’t really a stillborn diagnosis. The baby can’t live outside the womb, so I had it coughing before the attacker runs off. I wanted the impression to be that it wouldn’t survive the ordeal. A couple others stumbled on that too, so I’ll see what I can do about it.

Toby

“The description seems as if it's Tori drinking the fruit punch, but the dialogue seems as if it is May drinking?”

They were both drinking it, I’ll see if I can clear that up. May was drinking hers out of a wine glass, so I didn’t call it punch right away as I figured it wouldn’t come off that way at first.

“Page 9 - I'm still not 100% sure if our protag is Tori or May... I'm guessing May, but I would make this clearer, ie, have this scene on p. 9 be completely from May's POV and so cut the opening where the focus is on Tori.”

I’ll think on that. May is the protag, but Tori is pretty important too. May’s also a tough nut to crack. I think the audience will more readily identify with Tori, so it’s a tricky balance how I introduce them.

Glad you liked the rest of it.

Glenn

“Pg3.. Jesus! Gory stuff. It's one thing sawing a pregnant woman's stomach open, but having the little head in view and all? Would this be shown? Dunno.”

This puts me in mind of a trick I heard a lot of directors (particularly horror directors) employ to get an R-rating instead of NC-17 in the States. Basically, they know the MPAA will tell them to cut stuff no matter what the final product looks like, so they make the first cut gory as hell, gorier than they want it even. They hold nothing back. Then when the board tells them to make cuts, they cut it back to what they actually wanted in the first place and essentially get their R-rating without giving up anything. Sometimes they get more by accident. So I guess I’m doing a version of that. Just write what’s happening and they can decide how to bring it across.

And yeah, I may pull back on Lionel’s intro. It’s a lot of tell, but I’ve been pushing it more recently, especially in character descriptions.

Steve

“Doctor Shipman?  Not sure if you’re UK based or not, if you are then I’d hazard a guess this is intentional.  If not, you might want to give it a google... “

I’m not, but it was intentional. He may be a bit too well known in the UK though. In the states I don’t think most would catch on, but in the states the equivalent may be naming him Dr Kevorkian. May change it. Not sure it’s worth the distraction.

“Drew’s actions in the kitchen struck me as disconnected from the previous scene in the bedroom.  She goes from emotion overload to returning the vodka to chill and worrying about the back door. It feels a bit inconsistent.”

A bit of time has gone by and she’s trying to get it back together. I’ll see if I can present that better. The door being open sends up a little red flag that she doesn’t really catch on to.

“Was liking this up to page 12 (good work with Peter’s death -- nicely handled).  May’s dialogue with the lawyer (and granted this is a work in progress) seemed to jump the shark -- would she be so quick to divulge such personal details?  Or a lawyer to comment on abortion to a grief stricken widow?  Granted he’d know the law, but I can’t help but think he’d be keen to steer her to a medical practitioner rather than entertain the notion (though you may well know better on this aspect).  In any case, to me some of the dialogue felt out of place, shoehorned for audience benefit.”

I think May would, the way she’s developing. She’s sort of emotionally distant and socially inept. He’s a lawyer so she asks him about the law. He does try to skirt around it so she corrects him. I don’t think she really worries about him judging her. Some of that comes from me. I’ve always found it easier to divulge potentially embarrassing personal details to a professional while they’re on the clock then to a casual friend or close acquaintance. I’m not sure how common that is.

Pia

“I'm a horror fan, but the subject matter is not really my bag, but that's my problem, not yours.”

No problem. It’s safe to say that if a pregnant woman being sliced open followed by the protagonist contemplating a late-term abortion doesn’t float your boat, it’s not getting better.

“So Drew is still pregnant while downing vodka? Even if the baby can't survive outside the womb,I have no sympathy for this at all. Not a good way to start this script if we are supposed to care about Drew.”

I won’t lie, I went with that opening because it’s unpleasant and ‘off’ from what you’d expect or want to see. I was hoping that the truth of the situation would turn it around though. From what I understand, there’s no actual harm being done to the baby in this moment. I’m curious if it struck anyone else in the same way, and whether a stillborn (ie the baby already being deceased inside her) changes the impression at all.

Dave

Hey Dave, thanks for the read. Glad it’s working for you for the most part.

Dena

“Just thinking out loud about this first baby killing thing. It may have had more tension and more
emotion/drama if the mother hadn't said the baby was already dead”

There are reasons to come why I felt it had to play out like this. I like to know my ending before I start writing, so there are things in this first scene that I intend to be relevant in the final scene.

“Some of the descriptions are a bit awkward like 'the figure admires the baby" stuff...how does a figure admire a baby like if you aren't showing the figure maybe you could reword it. The way it's written is confusing and you don't want to slow the reader down at all if you can help it.”

I’ll admit I’m not entirely happy calling it, ‘the Figure’. Things like ‘Shadow’ or ‘Shape’ seem too undefined as well. I’m open to suggestions.

“I got some laughs from the presents at the shower but not sure I like the scene after the baby cutting scene to be a baby shower. Not sure why I don't really like that....”

I wanted a party so we could see May feeling out of place. Considering the subject matter, a baby shower seemed like the most meaningful option.

Omar

“Reminds me of a short film I've been working on , I think you're doing a good job thus far building up the characters . Two pregnant women , and killer on the loose , I'm hoping you throw in a good twist somewhere in there to keep it unpredictable . Give the killer a logical reason for these killings and I think you've got a solid script as long as you set it apart from the other "slasher" films . Make it stand out .”

I am trying to make it feel different than a slasher movie. That’s part of the reason I put the genre as Thriller. It’s more an aspiration at this point. There will be more attacks, but I’ve also been thinking of sending it in a bit of a Rear Window direction.

Jeff

Hey Jeff, thanks for the notes. A lot things I can change immediately, some I’ll mull over, a few I disagree on, but I won’t belabor most of it. You gave me a lot to go on and I appreciate that. You’re right that most of this wasn’t given a second pass and the logline was constructed in two minutes when I submitted.

A couple things though. I can understand if some think the humor at the baby shower feels off, but I’m not sure how Peter’s death or the lawyer’s scene are tonally off from each other or the opening. Except for some of the cutesy dialogue at the party (which is really just Tori), everything is pretty dark.

As for the final dialogue, I’ll look it over. I think I see a pretty big cut I can make right off the bat. That said, I don’t think dialogue should be judged based on how it looks on the page. That’s not what dialogue’s for. It’s meant to be spoken out loud, not just read. As far as the exposition, her lawyer has mistaken why she wants an abortion. He’s talking about money in order to reassure her, and she tells him in a direct and clear way that her desire to abort has nothing to do with money. It’s exposition, but I think it’s justified by the situation. I don’t think someone talking to their lawyer about legal matters really gains anything by being obscure or beating around the bush. Or at least, I don’t see it as being in May’s character to do that.

Anyway thanks again, and thanks to everyone who shared their thoughts. Time to go off and write the rest of it.

Good luck all!

Posted the feature

Eric,

Comments can be pregnant but they don't give birth.

Finished the SP and I like it.  There are the usual number of typos and errors one would expect from a script completed in a few weeks.  A good edit will clean up those items, so let's go to story.

May performs heroically for a woman in her last trimester.  I kept asking myself just how a woman could manage it, but I'll buy it.  You do a good  job of giving her the background for her actions--police reports, truancy, etc.  I was a little mystified by the urine episode.  The usual method is not to break in but to ask a woman over and feed her ice tea till she has to go in a toilet that doesn't work.  You chose to have the protag break in which is much more problematic.  Why take the harder route when the easier is available?  In either case you can rig it so the attempt doesn't work.  

Personally, I wasn't all that convinced by Louisa and her mania to keep May from aborting, but that's me.  I'm not an expert on religious fanatics.  

Perhaps, my biggest disappointment came when May gave up her baby.  May starts the journey with the attitude that she doesn't want a child, and she ends there.  She's gone from A to A.  I was hoping for a different ending, but again, that's personal expectation.  And I think the ending was a bit long.  The info about the mental condition could and probably should have been sprinkled throughout the story, not saved till the end.  It's something May might have explored as an explanation but rejected.  In fact, it might have been offered by Tori as an explanation, another way to deflect suspicion.  May recognizes that it doesn't apply to Louisa and moves on.  

I do like how May proves capable and heroic.  You followed the constraints.  Tori's suicide wouldn't be the solution I would choose, but that's me.  I think you set up a confrontation and fight and then don't provide it.  I prefer fights.

Overall, it's a good effort written under constraints in a small window.  

Best
Richard

Hey Richard,

Thanks for the read. Glad to see you liked on the main.

I did at moments think about the reality of a very pregnant woman in some of these situations. I tried to temper my language somewhat. For instance, I tried to never say she ‘sprinted’ until she was no longer pregnant. There are some particularly strenuous sequences, but I was thinking the life or death consequences would make it believable.

As far as the urine episode, I did try to address what I thought would be the easiest plan... simply pulling Louisa’s shirt up and looking. May and Tori go to Baby Matters with that in mind only to find Louisa isn’t participating anymore. May takes this to mean that Louisa won’t let them get close, so there’s no reason to believe she would accept an invitation either.

Writing Louisa’s motivation is certainly tricky, because if I made it too convincing, I worried we might write her off as a suspect as well. She’s certainly her own type of crazy, and I think I wanted to go deeper into that than I was ultimately able to given the time and page constraints. As with May’s past, I tried to hint heavily at things I wouldn’t have time to fully explain.

I agree May’s arc wasn’t as long as it could be, but I wanted to have a space where a woman doesn’t want kids and that’s okay. To go from wanting a late term abortion to wanting to raise the child yourself strikes me as too long an arc to be believable. So I came to the adoption angle. I also thought of May’s stance on having children as being a reflection of her judgement on life in general. She’s had a hard one, and doesn’t really trust anyone including herself. Her having the child and allowing someone else to raise it is an arc toward getting some of that trust back.

I really wanted to sprinkle the info about the medical condition, but I was worried that as soon as it was brought up, readers/viewers would key in on it way too much. It’d be kind of like having Norman Bates talk about crossdressing in Psycho. Once he or anyone else says it, I’m afraid the twist would be ruined. And I was thinking of Psycho a bit when I wrote it, as Psycho also has a somewhat long winded explanation of what Norman was up to right before the credits roll. If I think I can strike a balance that allows that info to be set-up, I’d definitely prefer to have it earlier.

And I’ll mull over the end climax. When I played it in my head, I found myself more interested in what these two would say to each other.

Thanks again for your comments. I still intend to cut this down a little more. Hopefully there’ll be room to address some of what you’ve brought up.

Cheers,
Eric

Psykesis

Overview first - SPOILERS

I think this is accomplished work. I'm sure there is a little tidying to do, and possible some paragraphs could be slimmed down, but this works and is solid stuff.

It is also very well contained, so shouldn't be too expensive.

May - I like her, but I feel you should open with her so we know it's her story. She also jher character feels a little at odd with abusive relationship, husband. I wonder whether the passive abuser could work better than a backhander style bloke. IE she is co dependent on a passive aggressive style, blackmailing her into things. Released of this we would then buy into the self confident person that she comes across as. Well, I read her that way. Speaks her mind, protects others, has the. Balls to break into a house etc

Tori - it does come as a little out of the blue. I couldn't really place any clues as to this, so possibly a few tweaks to add.

I would also make one of the husbands a little shifty, extra doubt, but then again it is good that we have focus.

Otherwise, nicely handled.

As I went I made the following notes..


Powerful opening...so to speak
P9 tears down the road..tears open.. May want to vary the words
P15 ann rather than an
P16 high above their head?
P17 parks a way from the crime scene
P17 they observe
P25 finding the Lord in the couch cushions...like that
Oh the form is pregnant ... Interesting
P50 flowing along nicely - empty all the toilets...not sure I buy that one
P51 not sure about he change in POV - I thinks it's better, so far, that it's from the others, let's see
P54 the scene is tense with her in there house I just feel uneasy about whether it flies? After all, May was the compliant one at the beginning
P57 distracted and grab the pot of pee...humm...

Gives it up at the end. I suppose Juno did, but she was a child. Not sure that one works for me. She struggled, but she fought to keep everyone safe - motherly - then had the child etc how about making her a godmother, being part of heir lives?

Hey Reef,

Thanks for the read and the kind comments.

On opening with May - I got that comment on the first ten and wanted to see if I’d get it again with the full feature. Now that I have I’ll probably intro her before Tori. Get the order right.

I did think about how her stronger character could end up in a relationship such as the one shown. I think even headstrong people can get caught up in those types of situations, though. Often times you don’t realize you’re in that kind of relationship until you’ve invested a lot in it. I imagined May’s blunt nature doesn’t really help her make friends, so in the beginning, Peter was probably the only real connection she had to another person. I do think I’ll rewrite that kitchen scene to give her a little more attitude before the backhand comes. Take some of the passiveness out of it.

I’ll see what I can do about setting up Tori at the end. I’m worried any clue is too much of a clue, so I may have to be content with it just making some sort of sense, even if you couldn’t have been expected to guess it. I’m still smoothing over the two sides of her.

I do think making the husbands, specifically Lionel, shiftier might help and I’ll be on the look out for places to do that.

And finally, I like your Godmother idea. I did have it in my head that May would keep some sort of contact with Drew, but I should make that explicit so the viewer knows she won’t be entirely out of her child’s life.

Thanks again,
Eric

RE: the title...

I Googled it and all the results pointed to your script. I see you made the word up. It has a nice ring to it, but how do you pronounce it, and what's gonna happen if it's filmed and released into theaters?

"Hey, let's go see Psykyesis."
"Two for Psykyesis, please."

The title might look a bit weird on a marquee. But it's exotic and mysterious enough to raise interest. Didn't stop "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida," "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious," or Quadrophenia from making bank.  

I read your First 13 Pages. My feedback does not reflect the Final Feature.

Pretty solid read, but there are a few missing words and awkward word choices. I liked the names BAD EXTENTIONS and BLEACH JOB. Ha ha. Nice.

I would have moved Peter's death a few pages earlier, since it seems to be an inciting incident.

Would I read the Final Feature? Yes, definitely yes.

9 out of 10.

Update Sept. 23, 2015:

Reading the Final Feature. Just finished page 15, and I'm going to stop for the night and continue, hopefully, tomorrow.

I see we finally got to the McGuffin? Pretty good so far.

Update Sept. 24, 2015:

P16

Code The Attacker grabs and raises it high [b]of[/b] their head.

Huh? Did you mean "above?"

P17

Code EARL’S POV -

Code Earl sprints into the lot, rounds the car and stops dead in his tracks, his expression one of horror.

Is this still a POV shot? You should write BACK TO SCENE as a transition to end a POV. But try not to overdo POV's.

P18

BEAT COPS? Makes them sound like gangstas, rappers, beatniks, or drummers. Or somebody beat them up. I'd change it to TIRED COPS.

Code DETECTIVE MENCIA (50s), bearded, tired [b]from a long night’s work,[/b] oversees the towing.

You're cheating a bit. We can't see why he's tired, so I'd take it out. We wouldn't know what's made him tired unless we read the script. We don't see a sign or hear his voice saying why he's tired. A script is only what we can see and hear.

I personally, would refrain from using bold or italics anywhere in a script.

Update Sept. 26, 2015:

P20

Code               LOUISA     The greatest trick the devil ever     pulled was convincing the world-

That's from The Usual Suspects.

P21

Code               MAY     And you said you were taking me to     Lamaze and baby bonding classes,     not Camp Crystal fucking Lake.

Friday the 13th reference. I love it!  

Code               TORI     You can’t leave [her?] alone in there.

Missing word.

Code               PREGNANT TEEN     When I told my boyfriend he said it     wasn’t his, even though he’s the     only one I been with. I told him     I’d need his help and he gave me     ten dollars and said he never     wanted to see me again. Which was     dumb cause we have class together.     I just need better support.

Should read more like:

Code               PREGNANT TEEN     When I told my boyfriend, he said it     wasn’t his, even though he’s the     only one I'd been with. I told him     I’d need his help, and he gave me     ten dollars. Said he never     wanted to see me again. Which was     dumb, 'cause we have class together.     I just need better support.

And even then, it could use some trimming.

Maybe more like:

Code               PREGNANT TEEN     When I told my boyfriend, he said it     wasn’t his, even though he’s the     only one I'd been with. I told him     I’d need his help, and he gave me     ten dollars. I just need better support.

P23

Code               MAY     I guess I’m here because I never     really bonded with the pregnancy. I     mean, I never had a choice, so I     think I was in denial the whole     time. But once Peter, my husband,     died, all of sudden I had a choice.     And once I had that all I could     think was, "Get this fucking thing     out of me!" If it wasn’t for Tori     here I’d probably be getting an     abortion right now.

Trim it down a little!  

Code               MAY     I guess I’m here because I never     really bonded with the pregnancy.     And once I had a choice, all I could     think was, "Get this fucking thing     out of me!" If it wasn’t for Tori     here, I’d probably be getting an     abortion right now.

Or

Code               MAY     I guess I’m here because I never     really bonded with the pregnancy.     If it wasn’t for Tori here, I’d     probably be getting an abortion     right now.

P24

Code               TORI     You told a bunch of happily     pregnant women that you want an     abortion. Of course they think     you’re an asshole.

No need to recap. Just strip it down to:

Code               TORI     Of course they think     you’re an asshole.

Code QUICK CUT - A frozen block of lasagna THUDS into the microwave. The door closes and the microwave fires up.

No camera angles.

P25

Code               LOUISA     I told you I would pray for you and     I have. All night. I asked the     Lord, "How Lord, can I show her the     sinful nature of what she     considers?" and he spoke to me.     "Show her my word", He said.

Oh no, not one of these characters.  

Code               MAY           (sighs)     Not yet, but I haven’t checked the     couch cushions.

Nice comeback, May!  

Code               LOUISA     This is not a laughing matter. What     you’re contemplating is mortal sin.

It most certainly is not. Neither is homosexuality, drinking, dancing, rock and roll, comic books, or cartoons.   Religious freaks.

Code               MAY     I HAVE A GUN.

I wouldn't cap the dialogue.

It would have been fine to use mini slugs for this sequence.

P29

Code               MAY           (hushed)     There’s someone in my house.

A little OTN?

P31

Code Decision made.

Be sure to find a way to actually show this on screen, or else it's not needed.

Code               TORI     Hey, at least [you're] more popular.

Code               MAY           (sarcastic)     Yes, everyone wants a piece of me.

Gallows humor? Nice.

Code               ANN     I’m gonna have you do something a     little different [than] the rest of     the girls.

P35

Code               DREW     Brandon suffered from a birth     defect. One day[,] the doctor had     trouble finding a heartbeat[,] so he     did a 3D-Ultrasound.

P37

Code               LOUISA (O.S.)     Goddammit... Sorry, Lord.

Not her again.  

Tell us when the POV ends. Otherwise, the rest of the script is POV. BACK TO SCENE suffices.

Code INT. BABY MATTERS - HALLWAY ...into the hallway, gets to the corner-

Redundant.

She screams into the...

HALLWAY

Really though, you don't really need ellipses.

Code Tori pops out in front of her, giving her [a?] YELP.

Huh?

Code               MAY     It looked like she had a fake     belly. Like her bump was made of     plastic.

I had been suspecting Louisa was the attacker. I'll be surprised if I'm wrong.

P40

Code               LOUISA     I don’t walk around flashing my     navel at people like some slutty     pop tart.

You take that back, bitch. Ha ha!   I remember when people made this same flap about Britney Spears when she debuted with "Baby One More Time." Even then, I was like, "What's the big deal? It's just a belly button. It's I Dream of Jeannie all over again."

Code Tori’s jaw drops open as she gives May a, "Holy shit, she did not just say that" look.

Try to find a way to illustrate this. I wanna see what a "Holy shit,
she did not just say that" face looks like.

P43

I'd take that beat out. Actors would know, naturally, where the beat is.

P44

THE GIRL’S [GIRLS'] POV

One girl or both? Also, it's written passively. Make it more active. "The conversation gets more animated."

Also, when did the POV end? You need to tell us this; you're the writer.

P51

Code               LOUISA     I’m pregnant, I have hormones.               RICK     You’re full of shit is what you     are.

Aha! I knew it!

Code               TORI (V.O.)           (on speaker)     May? May?! What is it?               MAY           (catching breath)     Jesus.               TORI (V.O.)     What is it?               MAY     Jee-sus!               TORI (V.O.)     What is it!?               MAY     Just call me when they’re coming.

Who's on first?   Reminds me of  this story I heard. A plumber or someone found bathroom mold in the likeness of Jesus. And his exchange went something like this.  

And try to watch those parentheticals.

Part 1 of 2

Part 2 of 2

Code               RICK (O.S.)     [']Cause you wanted spaghetti.

Code She sees the draft stopper on the floor.               LOUISA     How many times have I told you to     push this thing back in?               RICK     I didn’t touch it.               LOUISA     Then how is it like this?               RICK     Maybe you kicked it.

Someone's been eating my porridge.  

Code Louisa exits the bathroom just as Rick comes back in.               LOUISA     The toilet won’t flush.

Someone's been sitting in my chair.  

P59

Code A CREAKING from above[,] [then] SILENCE as the TV goes off.

Code               RICK     Oh, nothing. The water valve got     shut off.

Someone's been sleeping in my bed.  

Code The door CRASHES open and Rick stands in the doorway, gun held forward. He looks at her, sizing her up. RICK What the fuck you doin’ in here?

Someone's been sleeping in my bed... and she's still there!  

P65

Formally or formerly?

P66

Stopping here for tonight.

Update: Sept. 28, 2015:

P66

I don't think SAME TIME is necessary.

P67

Wow. Louisa is quite the villain.

P71

I don't think MOMENTS LATER is necessary. If it's the same location, just use the mini slug LATER.

P74

"Tori nods" shouldn't be a parenthetical, imo, especially under May's name.

P77

Reminds me of Psycho.

The accepted times of day in a script are DAY, NIGHT, and sometimes DUSK or DAWN.

P79

May calling Rick could and should be trimmed a bit. I'd take out the last sentence.

Periods usually go inside parentheses.

P82

Code She holds her arms out, an intent to embrace. May does nothing [to] stop her.

P83

SUPER: is fine.

Code May’s Station Wagon flies past, BREAKS, then backs up an[d] parks near the end of the driveway.

P85

"You have too" needs a comma, unless it's "You have to."

P87

Acronyms in dialogue are usually hyphenated.

P89

A ha! Louisa's baby bump IS fake.

Wait, huh? You mean she's not the attacker???

P91

Code May hyperventilates and collapses to the floor, her legs to[o] weak to hold her.

P95

What????

Code Lionel can barely believe what he’s hearing.

Me, neither.  

Code Drew looks blindsided. Her eyes dart between May and Dora, trying to catch up with [the] situation.

P99

FADE OUT is right justified, not left.

Wow. What solid writing for seven weeks. 9 out of 10.

Hey Chris,

Thanks for the read, man. Yeah, the title is my own invention, so I guess I get to invent its pronunciation too. I’ve been pronouncing it the same as “psychosis”, but with the “O” sound replaced by an “I” sound. I think it sounds better than it looks.

First off, thanks for pointing out a lot of typos. I don’t want to go through everything point by point, so if I skip something it probably means I agree with you. When I finally get around to the rewrite, I’ll have a good reference here.

I see we finally got to the McGuffin?

I was actually worried people would complain there wasn’t one. The first idea I came up with for this, God was going to be the McGuffin and the story was about faith. It was an idea that’s been kicking around in my head for awhile, but I decided I wasn’t ready to do it, especially on a time constraint. So I took this other idea I had about a troubled mother who realizes her infertile sister is going to extreme measures to steal custody of her baby, and reworked it with the baby being the McGuffin.

Is this still a POV shot? You should write BACK TO SCENE as a transition to end a POV. But try not to overdo POV's.

As you may have noticed, I did have a lot of POVs. I think it’s justified, considering the characters do a lot of “spying” on each other in the middle act. Because I used so many, I didn’t want to do the standard format you brought up. I was worried it would add to the page count and end up looking cluttered. What I settled on is something I’ve seen in other scripts, and that’s to make the POV stay in a self-contained paragraph rather than creating a lot of space for it. So my POVs only go to the end of the paragraph that mentioned them, and the next paragraph is supposed to be a new ‘non-POV’ shot.

That's from The Usual Suspects.

Ha ha. I’m absolutely positive that’s where I heard it, though I couldn’t remember that at the time. I was happy to find that the quote actually dates back to a French philosopher, which is good because Louisa doesn’t strike as a fan of The Usual Suspects

As far as trimming the dialogue in the therapy scene, these types of groups don’t really let you get away with saying so little about yourself. They ask you to tell your story and I wanted to juxtapose May’s “I’m in a bad place and want an abortion” story with the Teen’s “I’m in a bad place but I’m handling it with grace and humour” story, just so May feels that much more of an outsider. That said, I tweak all dialogue when I rewrite, and try not to leave length just for the sake of length.

It would have been fine to use mini slugs for this sequence.

I actually did have them originally, but then I noticed other places where I wasn’t using them and got irked because I prefer consistency. I was changing the minis to full headers right up to the last moment and even left a few in there. Still not sure which side of the fence I’ll ultimately come down on with that.

Who's on first?  Reminds me of  this story I heard. A plumber or someone found bathroom mold in the likeness of Jesus. And his exchange went something like this.  

And try to watch those parentheticals.

Yeah , I was worried this joke might be too delivery based, so I did a lot of hand holding on the way it would be said. Good to see someone got it and I can probably cut it back.

Wow. Louisa is quite the villain.

I had a little subplot in my head where Tori has actually found the urine, and intends to test it to make sure Louisa’s pregnant, but lies to May to keep her distracted. When May comes back and sees “The Attacker” in Tori’s house, that’s actually Tori preparing to attack Louisa.

A ha! Louisa's baby bump IS fake.

Wait, huh? You mean she's not the attacker???

Oh no, it’s real. I may have to look at how I conveyed that. Louisa’s apparently fake belly is made of two elements. First, she’s wearing a belly support strap that’s intended to hold the belly close to the body and relieve some of the weight stress. The second element is a thin film of Saran wrap coated with moisturizer and laid over the belly to help fight stretchmarks. This is actually referenced in a conversation where May chides Tori for believing in ‘any new age nonsense she hears’. It was these two things combined and seen from an obscure angle that caused May to think she was looking at a fake belly.

Thanks again for the read (and the rating ). I’ve only two scripts left, and with Toby’s in rewrite you’re next in the queue. Hopefully I can pick up the pace a bit. It looks like the October OWC is right around the corner.

Eric

Started this one today. Reread the pages that were posted way back. Before I continue, please let me know if you are working on a rewrite as well and would like me to wait for the next draft.  

Hey Pia,

I'll be working on a couple other things before I hit the rewrite of this, and while there are a few tweaks I know I'll make, I certainly welcome more notes on the current draft. Feel free to dive right in if you like and thanks for your previous notes on the first ten. I changed up some things in the opening scene because of them.

Cheers,
Eric

Sorry it's taken me so long to read this. Lots of things have happened on my end lately. All good things, but distracting none the less.

First off, thanks for taking part in the 7WC! As you saw, lots of people couldn't make it, but you did, so hats off to you for that! That's a big accomplishment in itself.

I only read to page 50, sorry to say. The reason is that I had some really serious problems with the story. Your writing is fine and easy to follow. It was the characters and story itself I just couldn't get onboard with.

To me, this story plays out like a drama with a few horrific bits in it. The drama is low key and takes place in small "visually dull" locations. Someone's house or Baby Matters for the most part. That's fine for a low budget thing. Maybe even a TV movie on lifetime or something. There's nothing really wrong with this. It has a lighter drama tone. Even funny sometimes. Like the urine collecting idea. This is completely opposite of the absolutely horrific pregnant belly cutting and baby stealing. That is straight horror. Again, there's nothing wrong with that either. They just don't go together here. They are too far apart in tone and it makes it feel jarring. IMHO, you need to have the same tone throughout the script. Not go from slasher type to lighter drama and then back to slasher again.

It also took me a long time to figure out who our protag is. Turns out it's May. Problem with her is that I didn't like her one bit. Not saying we have to always like the "hero". I watched Dark Places last night with Charlize Theron. I hated her character at first. I warmed up some to her, but I honestly think the movie would've been better if I had at least empathized with her. I didn't. She came off as a grumpy bitch. I had the same problem with May. Very unpleasant person. I think to make us empathize with her at all, you have to give her something we can agree with or something that makes us understand her actions. IMHO, that's going to be pretty hard when she seems so adamant about having an abortion at seven months. She even considers waiting an extra two weeks, which pushes it close to eight months. Who's going to like a person like that? I'm all for pro choice, but that is pushing it, IMO. Really pushing it. I can't be on her side.

So, what I would change if I were you, and I'm nobody, I would try to give May a really really strong reason for wanting the abortion. Maybe the baby has something wrong with it. I would also make her a little more likable. Make it clear early on that she's our protag.  Decide if you want this to be a TV type movie drama or a horror. It says thriller, but there isn't really a lot of thriller elements here, IMO. It's either a drama or horror. Decide what you want this to be and keep that tone throughout.

The following are just thoughts I had while reading. Sometimes they are short and might even seem harsh, but that is not my intention. They are just thoughts and questions while I read.

I still have some of the same gripes here as I did when I read the first 10 awhile back.

Page 1.     A pregnant woman with a vodka bottle in her hand never looks good and it makes it hard for an audience to like her.

You also say the baby has no heartbeat, but she says she can feel the baby moving. So, is it alive or not? I would think any woman who can still feel her baby moving would not reach out for a vodka bottle.

Also, if she lost the baby and there really is no heartbeat and the baby is dead, I'm pretty sure the docs would induce her to get the baby out. If it stays in there, the mother will die as the baby starts to decompose.

Page 3.     Of course there's something wrong. The baby is dead. You've already told us so.

Eager guests points eagerly... Maybe reword this a little.

Page 9.     IMO, Peter backhanding May still seems to come out of the blue. Maybe that's your intention.

You use the word tears twice on the same line. Perhaps try to find another word to replace one of them.

Page 11.   I'm glad Peter is gone.

Page 12.   With May asking if she can have her seven month baby aborted, you're not really making your audience like her. I get that her husband was abusive, but they were married. She must've loved him at some point. It's not exactly like she was attacked by a stranger off the street.

Page 19.   Sarah's baby is still alive? Maybe have Mencia tell them how that happened. Perhaps there was some drama in saving the baby. Maybe it's still in the hospital fighting for its life? Right now, that sounded a little too easy.

Page 21.   Not sure Patrice would call it an adventure. Also, Tori doesn't seem all that upset about all this. If it was me, I would be worried to death.

You can't leave "me" alone in there.

Also, at this point, I'm still not really sure who this is about. Tori or May.

Page 22.   Not so sure I believe the women going on with their group after this horrific event. A pregnant woman has been killed and a killer tried to take the baby. It's just too horrific an event for them to sit and talk about themselves, IMO.

Page 23.   I have to admit that I'm not really a fan of May. If that's your intention, great. If not, you might want to take a look at her.

Page 24.   What are the news people on TV talking about? They're not talking about the attack?

Page 25.   Again, you're making May a very unlikable person. Are you sure that's where you want to go with her? I'm not a religious person, so it's not that. May is just unpleasant and rude.

Page 26.   No need to tell us what furnitures are in the guest bedroom. You've already told us it's sparsely decorated, so, unless the small dresser, end table and lamp are important, you can skip that.

I would have liked to see a little more tension, suspense, before she sees the human form in the bedroom. Maybe she hears something. Tip toes back to the bedroom. Scared. On edge. After all, she must be aware by now that there's a crazy person out there somewhere that cut open pregnant women. If I were her, I would be terrified.

Page 27.   Interesting with the attacker possibly being a pregnant woman.

Page 31.   I'm having a hard time with May wanting an abortion at seven months. I'm having an even harder time with her and Tori talking about waiting another two weeks...

Page 33.   Drew was told by her doctor that the baby was dead. She's attacked. The attacker cuts her baby out with a steak knife. Why is she still going to Baby Matters? Especially after a similar event happened? This doesn't really make sense to me at all. If I were Drew, I think I would need to go away to some place completely different, just to get over the trauma. I certainly wouldn't keep hanging out with other pregnant women.

Page 37.   Looks like Louisa is our attacker. I'm guessing she can't have a baby of her own, so she tries to take someone else's.

Page 41.   If there's a psycho out there, cutting up pregnant women and stealing the babies, wouldn't that be important enough to try to get a warrant when someone has seen a woman with a fake pregnant belly?

Page 43.   Rick sure takes a LOT of sips of beer in one minute.

I'm thinking Rick knows about the fake pregnancy.

Page 45.   I don't get this. Why are all these women running over to this Baby Matters place every day? Don't they have lives at home with their families?

As far as cinema goes, it's not very visually interesting either.

Page 47.   No one sleeps with a loaded gun under their pillow! Unless their IQ is lower than a piece of driftwood. Just my opinion, but still...  

Page 48.   I'm having some big problems here with the urine sample idea. If I went to the bathroom and then tried to flush the toilet and it didn't flush, I would try to figure out why. If I seriously couldn't figure that simple device out, I would go get a bucket of water and flush it with. I wouldn't just go, oh well...

Page 49.   May's going to break in to Louisa's and Rick's house and stay the night in order to get a urine sample???

Finally got around to this, I haven't read any other comments so forgive me if I repeat anything, and you certainly don't have to respond if you don't want to.

Psykyesis... Interesting title.

A nice opening scene with the baby being sliced out. I definitely would like to know why. Could be quite gruesome if filmed exactly as written too... but it's a thriller, so wouldn't be necessary to be so graphic.

I don't understand the baby shower thing with the 'carrot top'. Is it something to do with not wanting a baby with ginger hair?

Code The yard, the house itself and the wooded area behind it are exactly the same as the Chambers’ residence. Likely the same McHousing development.

Is the above important? Does it really matter that their houses are likely the same?

Read the first ten and you have enough going on... one thing taking me out of the story.. actually two things. One is some of the dialogue sounds wooden. I'm not feeling any rapport with any of the characters yet. I don't know who's going to be who, or really what is going on. I would keep watching though.

The second is the lit cigarette igniting gasoline. It doesn't happen. The gasoline would put the cigarette out like it had been thrown in water. That's what makes fuel so dangerous to play around with, you need to get close with a naked flame to ignite it. If you could just throw a lit cigarette at it it would be easy to blow up whatever you wanted. I know a guy who got melted once trying to set a stolen car on fire. Real life is different to those 80s movies we grew up on, lol.

The italics are starting to get on my tits around page 12. They add nothing for the most part. It's like you've got a new toy and can't stop playing with it. Put it away! Save fancy stuff for when it is really important.

At 25 and finding the pacing a little slow for my tastes at present. Why would Louisa say May's the one that deserves to have the baby cut out? She's against abortion, yet believes abortion is a suitable punishment for those that are for abortion? Makes no sense.

Nice action sequence.. but I'm wondering why May didn't mention anything about Louisa's comment on her being the one deserving of having the baby cut out. Louisa is an obvious red herring.

at 63... man, how long is it going to take her to get this urine? It all seems very Laurel and Hardy.

OK, in the end, not a bad story about the fears of pregnancy. Did Louisa ever get a sorry? She broke into her house, all those accusations etc.

Needs a lot of tightening up but not bad for a first draft. I'm not sure that the opening gruesomeness really suits the rest of the film though.

Characters are developed, the story is a simple one, more of the mystery drama type with a red herring thrown in, as they often do. I do think Tori's reasoning for slicing women open and stealing their babies is a little weak, but she's obviously psychotic, so I suppose that's reason enough.

Some typos here and there that will likely get cleaned up on a next draft. Not 100% to my tastes, things could get messy with all those pregnant women around. Certainly original, has market potential and should be a fairly low budget affair.

Oh... what s with the title? I was expecting something more sci-fi/paranormal when I read it. Especially after the first scene as well. Then it went boring for a long time until I got used to the pace. The distraction with the red herring and then the reveal of the real killer all ran fairly smoothly though. I think most of the work in this needs to be in the first act..


Good luck with the next draft.

Hey Eric,

Apologies for taking so long. My schedule has been very busy these past few weeks (and for the ones ahead), but I have some free time now.

Page 1: Strange that you mention the hanging guitars, I hope they have relevance.

"Drew, it’s Ann. You said you’d call
me yesterday" Never a fan of dialogue like this. It feels as if you're trying to acquaint the audience with the scene, which is fine and well -- but it sticks out like a sore thumb. Something like "I didn't get your call" helps the scene as Ann speaks in her own voice, rather than recalling someone else's if that makes sense.

Page 3: Stun guns stun you of course, but do they stop you from screaming your head off? I guess it's possible she went unconscious or perhaps hit her head, but from what I've seen, the subject is usually moaning in pain on the ground. Edit: After finishing the script, I see later on, Sarah or the cinderblock lady does this.

I'd personally underline "McGill" in the slug as I know some readers might skip that detail assuming we're still following the killer.

Page 8: Three, or is it four families with 7 month old pregnant mothers? Might be hard to latch onto for some, but it's not too out of the ordinary I suppose.

"PETER
And now I have to go back and get
more sauce so we can eat.
He storms off toward the front door." Uhhhhhh, gave me a good chuckle. Sarcastic or not, it just displays a hilarious image. Almost classically cliche. Ditch this, he leaves in a huff. It doesn't matter honestly, just eat without the sauce you mental patient, it's like something a four year old would say.

And it keeps going! Vine tomatoes! Why are we talking about vine tomatoes? I know, I know, but the sauce is just a terrible, terrible way to instigate this whole beat.

Page 11: Expositional dialogue with the "forced himself on me" -- I can understand the tone of both her voice and scene, but again, I can also see the writer's sleight of hand at play. It's a palatable way to get across the information, but I personally would change it.

The May and Tori scene, I always have trouble with moments like these. Their dialogue means nothing as the audience doesn't give a shit whether Tori will drive her there or not drive her there. Granted, I know you want the audience to know her stance -- but does it really matter if they're sticking together anyway? Does her opinion really change anything in the story if May can just get a cab? The scene needs to be there naturally, there needs to be a steady flow one after the other, it doesn't necessarily have to have reason, it just needs to be a smooth transition.

Page 14: This whole scene, again, it's lacking a voice to escalate it. They both talk so matter of fact, even when dealing with their emotions. Which is a shame, since this scene could really be something special. It's not bad, it's palatable, like always, I just want more.

Page 18: Possibly the worst way to show poor Drew's reveal. You set up the scene with her as your opening and teaser, but it's resolved by "Does Drew know?" -- pan to Drew, oh, I guess she's alive, huh? Change it, or make it the defining factor of a later scene where a character goes to her for information/or advice.

Page 20: Also, honestly, the audience is not going to remember Drew's name and who she is after two thousand people introduced already. In fact, I'm despising this whole damn scene with a passion. It quantifies a horror moment into something so trivial and frankly, takes away everything the script stands for. "My, my, time to move to Minnesota" "Okay, bye" "Okay, bye". There's no tension, these characters seem to be so unaware of what's happening. The scene is just flawed. And then you have some kind of intervention scene or AA or should I say BA right after? At literally the place where a pregnant woman's face was smashed into a pulp.

What is happening here? Why are we here? Why isn't anybody active? It's page 25 and the characters are kind of nodding their heads and not doing much else. I'd honestly rethink all of this so far and cut it to something more comprehensible. There's a lot of repetition, a lot of expositional dialogue, very strange plot progression.

A little further, seems the bible freak is being suggested to be the killer. Almost heavy handedly, if it's her, there's been a poor job implementing that. If it isn't, which I'm betting on -- it's plainly obvious she's a red herring. But again, back to the strange AA meeting thingo, you just nearly got murdered, do something and stop acting like nothing's changed.

Okay, I'm at page 40 so far and the premise is honestly being wasted on nothing so far. There's talking. Talking. More talking. And then some more talking to finish it up, maybe a little mystery thrown here and there -- but nothing to do with the plot. I'll expand on this at the end. Also, May's assumptions are just... Stupid, honestly -- if she knows the killer, just tell him, if anything, it's as wrong as saying "they don't have a baby bump any more".

Okay, my bad, so it seems like she did say that.

So, 40 to 45, far from anything thrilling, more of the same. Underwhelming since our protag has nothing to do with anything. She just watches everything go by. The detective does the work, even goes ahead to help our protagonist who seems to have everything going her way so far (luckily he believed her and helped her), relatively of course.

Page 49: Luckily, May our good protagonist was a troubled teen and has all the tools at her disposal to do exactly the thing that she wanted without any trouble whatsoever.

Okay, hold up for a second, I don't get it. Tori brings up a great point, she's trying to murder you, so what does exposing her belly have to do with anything? Why does it matter if it's revealed? Would it further reveal anything that they don't know? They're convinced the bible freak's the killer anyhow, but May still wants to risk her life to expose her? None of this is working so far for me unfortunately.

And May scaring Tori off with the abortion? This is just... Damn, brutal, sorry, Eric, but some of the logic here is very flawed so far. Continuing on...

"Do
you know a time when they normally
leave together?" Things like this -- be visual. Be in the moment rather than talking about it. There's a lot of talk, but not enough of anything else here unfortunately.

Page 70: Not the best way to progress the emotional state of your protag by her talking to some nameless person on the phone. Unfortunately, it doesn't have any effect, a lot of it is because of May's general persona and again, the matter of fact dialogue.

Page 74: "That’s good. I bet your relieved." You're

Page 76: Uhhhhhhhhhh., she goes back to her house literally across the street after this fiasco? Get a good night's rest while the killer prowls around as such? Or are the cops still there? Oh, I see, she's just getting ready. I still would think she had someone else with her.

Not entirely sure a switch blade might stop a demented killer.

Page 84: "Lionel stumbles through the door and May scream." Screams.

"I gave birth, Lionel" I honestly hope that's a lie as one of the largest investments the reader's made in the script disappeared after this one line. Underwhelming.

Page 85: So, this random and sudden shift in tone for Tori suggests she's the killer. She was my first bet, but I was secretly hoping it wasn't her. For a moment, I was convinced otherwise, but that was because of her bumbling nature, which doesn't seem to match up now that I think about it. The problem was there weren't many people who could be the killer, what with the whole woman and having a baby thing, so it either had to be Tori or May herself.

Page 93: "YOU’RE" Your

"...then plunges the knife into her own neck." Uh, what? Why do that? What were her motives again? That she was simply crazy? Maybe if the audience could pick up on this earlier in the script, we'd understand that she's the killer a little better. I'm not sure why she does that either, was she always planning to stab herself silly after she'd been found? Going back, Tori shows May the shoebox only for the audience's benefit. There is absolutely no reason (except she's crazy) to show May her evidence if it can so easily be disputed by Lionel. Wouldn't she think that May would eventually mention it? Granted, it's a serious subject -- but it would have to come up, whether intentional or accidental.

Page 99: I wouldn't be leaving my baby with anyone after everything happening in this neighbourhood.

First thing I want to mention is, there's a lot of talking. A lot of exposition relayed across to the audience. Much of it repeated. Much of it useless in the sense that it doesn't really matter if we know or why we should know it. Scenes felt like they were lacking any solid flow. It was just very serious and very robotic, a lot of back and forth without actual emotion behind the characters. It's a first draft though, so we can discount that as I don't think I've mentioned this for your other scripts.

I think you somehow need to avoid us thinking that Tori's the killer. I know you were hinting it's the bible freak the whole script but it was terribly obvious you wanted us to think that. Keep in mind, I'm not placing the blame on you, as every similar script does this. I think the bigger probably just lies with the fact that a modern audience suspects something is up, and can never invest themselves into who the killer is. But I'd still work on this, if the reader is two steps ahead of the script, the read instantly bogs down. Prisoners is a good example of this, there's a moment later on in the script where I thought Hugh Jackman was the kidnapper -- and actually, pondering on that, I didn't know it was ahem, spoilers, ahem until it was shown. Also, bible freak was our Paul Dano, if you notice, in Prisoners, the characters aren't 100% certain that it was him, thus, the audience isn't sure either.

Speaking of the bible freak, we focus a solid 40 or 50 pages on May and Tori finding her. My first bit of actual advice would be to cut it all out, we don't need it, it progresses nothing since we know the answer. The problem is that it's too contained to the neighbourhood, maybe you were following the low budget quota but let's ignore that for now. The script is about this serial killer who steals infant babies, yet, we spend a majority of it following some woman who may or may not be her. This is amplified by the fact that, and this might sound a little too frank, but May and Tori are really a bunch of bumbling idiots. They make a lot of poor choices through the script, and don't really think of the future at hand.

Seven is a great example of a serial killer film that has a constant looming threat behind it. The killer continues to kill, and I know you have a freak occurrence every few sequences, but it does nothing because the characters treat it like nothing. They discuss it in a tone that suggests it never happened, and then forget about it soon after. The killer needs to be a presence who's always there, always looming, always watching -- they push the story forward. Or if not the killer, then the characters chasing after it actively, with everything against them. You can't have safe havens for your character to abort the baby (which is a good dynamic, but might need a rethink) or simply up and move to another state.

I'd increase the scale of the script, and I'd revise Tori's part and her actions. I'd eliminate the useless mumbling around and talking scenes -- replace them with something a little more active. Where May is on her own little island (not regarding her pregnancy), and has to do shit herself. I'm not talking about stuff like breaking into bible freak's house, she has to be forced to try and uncover the mystery rather than following some random trail and mulling it over with her bestie. This also needs to happen much much earlier.

Now, I think you did a lot of things right at around page ~87 forward, as that's unfortunately the only place where I felt tension and emotion within the characters. The tone wasn't so hum, hum -- there was suddenly urgency. Something to look forward to. Something that could directly lead to some shit going down. The script needs to focus on this. It needs to be larger, it needs to have more depth, the characters need to have more hidden underneath their sleeves. I thought the concept behind these pages was great, but it's a shame it took us so long to get here. Again, apologies for being so grim. If anything needs expansion, don't hesitate to ask, mate.

Just wanted to pop in here first and apologize for my silence. I've been trying to write the responses, my final review and the OWC script at the same time. I was hoping to post something extensive here before the OWC, but now I think I'll wait til my reviewing there is done.

Thanks Pia, Dustin, and Mo for giving this a read. Hopefully I'll have time to finish my response in a week or so.

Eric

Hey EWall,

Just letting you know that I plan to get round to reading this as soon as I post up the second draft of my script. Apologies for the delay in getting round to reading it, I've been completely snowed under!

Cheers,

Toby.