Heroes' Asylum by 0 - Short, Comedy… I guess… - Just an unintentional pisser about a disgruntled superhero. 6 pages - pdf, format

Erm, didn't know where to start. I wasn't even sure I was gonna bother this time. But y'know.

Here I am. No idea why I picked this. To me a pisser is a bloke in the dark to be avoided. When you gotta go...

Straight off I thought ooh. But I was eating a sausage at the time. A real one. Pork sausage. Some sauce. I'm not. No. Don't think so anyway. You never can tell. Not that there's any

Moving on. Starts off well. There's a few things I'd consider not great, but that may be me. Open mind, etc. Good writing methinks.

I've been watching a few old movies of late. Parts of this script reminded me of some of them. This is, in no way, a criticism. Quite the opposite.

I could pick on a few things. In the script I mean. I was picking apples before. I felt like erm... can't remember his name. Weird looking fella. Anyway, the apples. I didn't like them. Not ripe. Bit chewy. Hold it there, I was...

Yeah. I like this script. I thought I knew where it was going, but I didn't. It surprised me. Not sure how it would look on film. But I do know this - in the right hands it could be really good. Anyone got Dave the Finch's number(s) ?

R

0,

This one was pretty good. A bit heavy on the dialogue but most of it worked. I like the idea of super sensitive hearing driving a superhero mad, as it quite obviously would. I don't really get the gag at the end, if that's what you were going for. Bull says how do you think I ended up on the island? Because he's bulletproof? Maybe I missed something.

Good job.

Glenn.

There are some muddled sentences here. Like, "Bull gets so see Condor as he turns around and is illuminated by the neon tube at the roof.". Or at least I can't get them.

I don't get the gag at the end either. How do you get to an island because you're bulletproof?

But the idea is great. A hero's own supper powers driving them mad. I like that.

First - loved the name of the Protag (David)

Minor typo on page 5 - should be "take" hostages.

SPOILER

Nice little twist at the end - but it also presented a logic problem - if the Bull had powers - right does he Condor?

Overall - nicely done. An enjoyable read - met all the requirememts.

This is my first read for this OWC...

So a few unfilmables, and a couple of overwritten sections and a fair few typos or misused words, e.g. a salve of bullets should be salvo.

I like the couple of twists thrown in they worked for me... but the end punchline less so.

Decent effort.

Sorry but this didn't work for me at all. It started quite promising but faded.

0 laughs out of 10


I'm already seeing a common prob in some scripts where the mix of superhero and comedy doesn't sit well together.

I liked the idea in general of a drunk, miserable superhero. Reminded me a bit of the beginning of Hancock before the whole Charlize Theron twist/disaster. But your execution didn't offer up much in the way of laughs... overall a solid read though.  

Very vague as far as comedy goes with heavy dialogue between Bull and Condor.

I guess they both have superpowers, one is bulletproof and the other flies, pretty standard superhero traits.

It was ok, nicely written.

good job on entering

Page 1 - Can't say I like the writing, as it's vague, misleading, and trying too hard to be cool, which is not how it comes off.  ZERO humor so far.

Page 2 - What's with "SAME" as a time element?  Incorrect.  Even using "CONTINUOUS here would be incorrect, as it's not.  If it's still night, which it is, why not simply use "NIGHT"?  The dialogue here is not working at all.  I guess there's an attempt at humor, but it's not working.

Page 3 - The bad dialogue is going on...and on...and on.  But I'm not...I'm out on Page 3.

Writer,

I tried to hang in on this one, but by page 5 I wasn't really seeing any comedy, or at least anything that produced a chuckle or made me feel it would be any different by the end. Sorry.

Steve

Not as funny as it could be.  Needs more reversals and some logic.  If Bull can walk through walls and can't be gunned down, why would anyone ever know he stole anything?  

Best
Richard

The best part was when the cop says, "The building is cornered. "  Lol.  Aside from that, this one was a bit of a slog to get through.  The ending just didn't make much sense.  Bull never really needed Condor's help in the first place.

I know who did this, so, I won't add what I already told this person.

Save to say that the story falls apart in the last page.  The final joke

SPOILERS
of the bad guy having powers, and the power of flight at that, makes the entire story not work.  Why not fly away at the beginning?  I don't get it.

I wish this person had worked on the ending...

7/10

Dan

Spotted a few typo's, and some formatting issues. Nice concept, and some interesting twists, but the ending seemed a bit rushed and just not enough of the funnies...

I'm getting so used to seeing almost perfectly written scripts that it comes as a bit of a shock to see a newbie in giving it a try. Very brave. I won't go into what's pulling me out of the script even before page 2.

I have read most of it, but I think that because you're so new and the script not as easy to read as it should be, that my attention is not sufficiently held to a degree whereby I can fathom wtf.

Got some potential.

The superhero gone bad, annoyed by his skill and lured away,by another.

Bull didn't make too much sense at the end, but I like the idea of another with skill needing a complementing power.

Needs a good tidy but I quite liked that.

The logline says this is a pisser but it didn’t read like one to me. I wanted to read each line, I wanted to know what happened next, it kept me gripped until the end.

The comedy was subtle, it had a Hancock vibe going through it. It needs work for sure.  Some confusing sentences and the ending needs a tidy up. I could do with being longer as it would be nice to maybe see a bit of Condor’s past from when he enjoyed being a superhero and how it ground him down until he was depressed. Lots of potential here, I enjoyed the read – well done.

-Mark

Not too bad. A lot of dialogue between Bull and Condor and it felt like the script needed a bit more action sequence to break that up a little... just seemed to be an overtly long conversation in the bank, especially given the whole story was done in 6 pages (which, of course is the challenge).

No really LOL moments for me, but a some wit came through.

Others have pointed out a couple of finer details that need tidying up.

A minus point for calling your script a pisser while it's just a straight superhero satire.

Otherwise, one of the better entries. I didn't really laugh but it has a clear way and structure. The ending was completely off and I don't know why you needed all 6 p here.

I guess the logline warned me. I liked the idea, and there was some witty banter, but it was also pretty long winded and eventually ran out of space. Probably not much I could say that you don’t already know.

Doesn't do it for me.  It has a few moments, such as "He tears his eyes open. Takes a moment to find his orientation." Dang, I thought. I could actually see this drunk with his eye lids hanging by a lash, or two. Oh well, I guess that wasn't meant to be part of the laughs.

There is a lot of talk in this tale. Pretty weak on action. It's like these two guys are in a bar or something. You might have the police call out periodically in the bullhorns. Maybe have Condor go to the front entrance and tell the police to shut the bleep up, while he negotiates for a surrender.
The ending was underwhelming. Bull seemed to know something of Condor, but not vice versa. Maybe suggest that these two guys team up and go crime crazy.  Who needs the islands?

Not a bad idea (villain talking superhero out of fighting crime), but not the best execution. Pretty uneventful for one. Also, if Bull had superpowers the whole time, why does any of this happen in the first place? He should've been in and out, really. Or was he trying to smoke Condor out and get him to join forces (in which case... why?)?

I'd propose two routes. One, you could simply up the action. Two, you could work on the dialogue and really try to develop the satire. Definitely a talking heads piece, but somehow I think it could work if you had some cleverer word sparring going on and dug deeper into what it means to be a hero vs. letting it all go.

Okay, I suppose, but very flat/underdeveloped.

Hey, sorry for answering late, been a little busy lately.

Thanks for all who read and commented. I don't understand why nobody got the ending - BULL's superpower is being BULLet-proof and being able to walk through walls, but he can't fly.