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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2016 OWC  ›  Captain PC - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Captain PC - OWC  (currently 2173 views)
Trojan
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 11:04pm Report to Moderator
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I think the idea of Captain PC had a lot of potential, but the situation you chose didn't make the most of it. The whole transgender rape discussion was pretty weird and not funny IMO, and the events that happened kind of bizarre.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 27th, 2016, 5:32am Report to Moderator
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Nicely written but the 3 page setup for Captain PC’s appearance was long and not funny in the slightest for me. Captain PC was funny, I’d recommend getting to him/her quicker. I didn’t buy the leaping off the ledge bit in the slightest. Even if Captain PC can persuade people they can fly in a few sentences, which I highly doubt, why leap off the edge when you can just jump up and give it a try? As soon as Captain PC left it became flat for me so the ending felt weak.  I realise this is comedy but it didn’t work for me, sorry. But it does fit the parameters of the OWC nicely and the character of Captain PC is definitely something worth developing further.  

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Cameron
Posted: April 27th, 2016, 5:54am Report to Moderator
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As per Mark above, huge setup. It's only a 6 page challenge so I feel you should be able to cut that down and use the space more economically.

Laugh wise it just didn't click so it falls down there for myself
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Lightfoot
Posted: April 27th, 2016, 10:25am Report to Moderator
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When I read the log line I thought this one has potential, but like many others on here it was a good idea but didn't do well comedy-wise, I didn't mind the conversation only wished it led to something funny.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: April 27th, 2016, 11:37am Report to Moderator
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Light comedy with a modern subject. It didn't grab me but I'm afraid to say it's nevertheless way up north on the list of the scripts I read. Perhaps a rewrite could make it better. Then I'd cut out the whole CaptainPC guy and focus what story the other interesting characters have to tell here.



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albinopenguin
Posted: April 27th, 2016, 1:56pm Report to Moderator
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Loads of potential here...that didn't amount to much.

Why? Because you positioned your stance on the issue(s) with the ignorant and ill informed. Instead of finding a unique angle, you just repeated the same transphobic rhetoric that so many conservatives have spewed for years. Plus, I doubt Captain PC would call anyone "it." That's a big no no in our ultra pc society.

Look, being anti-pc is totally cool in my book...so long as it's poignant and funny. Nobody comes at Louis CK because he has a creative approach and points out some serious flaws in being PC.

Anyways, not trying to start a debate. I'm simply trying to find why this doesn't work.

Also, women can rape.


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DanC
Posted: April 27th, 2016, 2:30pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from albinopenguin
Loads of potential here...that didn't amount to much.

Why? Because you positioned your stance on the issue(s) with the ignorant and ill informed. Instead of finding a unique angle, you just repeated the same transphobic rhetoric that so many conservatives have spewed for years. Plus, I doubt Captain PC would call anyone "it." That's a big no no in our ultra pc society.

Look, being anti-pc is totally cool in my book...so long as it's poignant and funny. Nobody comes at Louis CK because he has a creative approach and points out some serious flaws in being PC.

Anyways, not trying to start a debate. I'm simply trying to find why this doesn't work.

Also, women can rape.




Agree with everything you said.  No need for a debate either.  PC is what it is.  At times, it's good, others it is bad.  Nothing in the world is truly black and white.  Murder is wrong except in self defense.  Stealing is wrong, but, if your kids are hungry, what would you do?

People should live and let live, but, that doesn't extend to pedophiles.  Free speech right?  Try yelling fire in a crowded theater and see if you end up in jail.

Nothing is ever easily black and white.  Life is dirty and complicated, and like Dustin Hoffman said in Hero, you live in layers of bullshit and it's up to you to decide how far down in the bullshit you want to life in.  Very true words.

And yes, women can rape.  I've seen cases here in Buffalo.  

This OWC entry was very odd.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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EWall433
Posted: April 27th, 2016, 4:42pm Report to Moderator
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Unfortunately, the funny never really kicked in for me on this one. I like the idea of Captain PC, but the topics chosen didn’t bring any laughs. And there are so many topics these days to choose from, jumping right into a humorless rape conversation is sort of an unforced error. Names of sports teams, Halloween costumes, being offended at whatever dead person’s picture happens to be on your money… almost any other topic would’ve played better.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: April 28th, 2016, 10:12pm Report to Moderator
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I feel a certian duality here. Bear with me.
One side of me says, this is well written and there is some slight amusement at Capn PC's over the top costume, and the setting for this tale is simple, contained and would be fairly cheap to film.

The other half of me says the subject matter isn't funny, it is awkward and misinformed. Capn PC is bland and out characters are done eating but still are eating.

Putting it together, all I can say is that it wasn't for me.


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cloroxmartini
Posted: April 29th, 2016, 1:36am Report to Moderator
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I like the idea of Capt PC but this didn't wasn't comedy for me.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: April 29th, 2016, 3:53am Report to Moderator
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Gave me a couple of chuckles, nice work. I think this need a little bit more work to flesh the idea out to its full potential, but otherwise, this is a well written and decent effort.
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 29th, 2016, 8:20am Report to Moderator
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I think this is my 2nd to last read, so I'll do my best to stay in...but we've all heard this before.

Opening with "Summer in the city" tells and shows us absolutely nothing...especially because it's night.  Starting the last sentence in this passage with "And" makes no sense at all.

Next passage is poorly written and uses "trendy" again, which reads poorly.

Third passage is very poorly written, missing commas, run-on sentences, poor grammar.  But, worse, is the fact that these 2 characters are just now being intro'd.  Why are they omitted from the first 2 passages?  Bad choice.

Oh, but wait...there's another character also that's being intro'd in the 4th passage.  WTF?

Dialogue is not good.  I see no humor whatsoever so far, and I'm seriously struggling.

Oh man, I'm sorry, but I'm out again...no humor, no comedy, no superheros.
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khamanna
Posted: April 29th, 2016, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
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You call it Captain PC but introduced him on page 3.
I think you could hugely trim on talk. You don't get the idea over behind their chat this way - it's lost among the talk.
Maybe you could single out one or two characters and introduce their problem to us.

The beginning seems a bit of clunky. You introduce all of your characters at once...

Once I had "you have 5 comas in one sentence - no good" for feedback. I always remember it and get rid of long sentences. You have 6 comas in one. I don't know if it's right or wrong. Perhaps it's annoying to some - so why have it.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: April 30th, 2016, 3:06am Report to Moderator
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So long as the commas are used correctly then it doesn't matter how many you have.

This isn't my script by the way... but i don't see why some are saying there isn't any comedy in it. There's plenty.

This story could have been handled better... with a title like PC Man I expected a story that centred around the rights and wrongs of being politically correct. Some love it, some hate it with a passion. I'd have liked to see some of that, with the writer's own conclusion as the icing on the cake.

But that's all that's missing from this story. The central idea is sound and ideal for comedy. There is some in this story, but it misses the mark because it isn't as good as it should be. But then, a story like this should take longer than a week to write. For a week's work, this is pretty good.
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