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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2016 OWC  ›  The Exposer - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    The Exposer - OWC  (currently 2969 views)
MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 5:55am Report to Moderator
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A well-executed script and decent story. There was a lot of potential for comedy here which was squandered in my opinion. The whole premise was the build up to the punchline at the end, which I did find funny, but it gave this a sketch feeling when you could have done so much more.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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DustinBowcot
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 7:48am Report to Moderator
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I like the idea but it doesn't get going till page 5. So, for me, the execution is off. What you have by page 5, should be known by page 2. Then some type of payoff is needed. The pacing is completely off, with some work though this could be great. Would also work as a feature.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 2:55pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting idea, but one that sets itself up for a drama/thriller, or possibly psycho horror

Worth working on though


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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SAC
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 7:20pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Good script. For a drama.

Steve


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Dreamscale
Posted: April 26th, 2016, 8:42am Report to Moderator
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OK, final few to review today...let's see if I can get all the way through this one (I'll try!).

Page 1 - "big double-bed" - Huh?  Really?  First of all, double beds aren't big...they're one of the smallest beds you can have.  Shouldn't be hyphened, either.

The last sentence in the opening passage is very poor - it's passive, it's out of place, and it ends in an orphan.

2nd passage is bad all the way around - missing commas, poor word choice, and ending with unnecessary detail (he doesn't notice anything around him) - what should he be noticing?  It's night, he's alone in the room, there's nothing to notice, is there?

Writing is extremely passive!

What's with the repeated Slug after the END INSERT?

Next passage is a complete tell and unfilmable, other than the sound.

Completely incorrect way of showing the sound. Really?

So, Karen is just there with him all of a sudden?  Does she walk in or what?

Page 2 - Hmmm...do Miles and Karen know each other?  The way Karen questions him, it seems like they just now met.

ZERO comedy so far...is this really a superhero themed comedy script?

Page 3 - Wow...most of the page is a reporter talking on a TV set?  Really?

Page 4 - Another repeated Slug?  What's going on here?

This is getting extremely hard to stay in on...absolutely ZERO comedy, no mention of any kind of superhero, and the biggest problem is the writing and the complete bore factor.  Damnit...I said I'll try and stay in and I will, but this is a very tough slog.

Page 5 - The sheik's dialogue, both his own words and Miles speaking as him, is terrible, sorry to say...but at least we now have some semblance of super powers.

OK, listen...when you have an insert, Flashback, or whatever, you need to end it and return to scene - you do not need or want to repeat the Slug you're already in.  Looks terrible, wastes space, and irritates.

"who's" - Really?  Oh man...c'mon!!!

Well, we end on a joke, at least.

Not good...not good at all, and this is proof to me that when I "know" I should bail, I should bail.  This was a complete waste, sorry to say.

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Nomad
Posted: April 26th, 2016, 3:52pm Report to Moderator
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I pretty much agree with everyone else:

No laughs, potential but didn't capitalize on it, quick easy read.
You were on the right path with the internet commenters, but it didn't go anywhere.

Congrats.

Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
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EWall433
Posted: April 27th, 2016, 5:16pm Report to Moderator
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“I checked your browser-history while you were showering, thinking maybe you’re some kind of porn addict. But now that I know it’s not porn, I’m really worried.”

I guess Karen’s unfamiliar the Private/Incognito feature browsers have nowadays.

“Hey baby I love your BELLS”

I don’t even know what that means (okay, saw it later), but it’s the funniest thing I’ve read all challenge.

This took a little while to get going, but it was pretty good. Some stuff could be trimmed without affecting too much (like the news report), and it feels like a bit that should finish quicker than it does, but you managed to round it out well at the end, which has been rare in this challenge.

I’m a little surprised to see people say there was no comedy. I wonder if they’ve properly imagined an overweight, middle-aged McDonald’s employee singing a horrible rendition of Umbrella (granted, some of those details were mine), or an Arab sheikh slipping into perfect English long enough to say, “Hey baby, I love your BELLS!” (he should definitely be waving excitedly at the camera, like a child who just realized he’s on TV).

Idk, maybe the way I visualized this hit it just right and whiffed for everyone else, but there're laughs here, if you execute it properly.
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albinopenguin
Posted: April 27th, 2016, 5:28pm Report to Moderator
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Well at least it was a quick and easy read. Not a huge fan of this. Then again, I'm not a huge fan of the protag's abilities. Seems like a waste but I get it (I'd probably be doing the same thing if I could control people's minds). Not bad but not super intriguing either. Middle of the road for me.


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James McClung
Posted: April 27th, 2016, 6:56pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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I avoided this one for a while, given the title. Thought it'd be a different plot, character and type of humor entirely. Was pleasantly surprised.

Not particularly funny, but the idea is notably clever... in fact, now that I think of it, if this OWC has taught me anything, it's that clever ≠ funny. I would've gone further with it though. At some point, Miles' actions could easily become as mean as the people he's manipulating and more, but given the premise, I don't think his actions were... thirst-quenching enough. What I would do if I had these powers...

I liked it. Didn't make me laugh, but the premise in and of itself is solid. Also... relevant. Worth looking into further when the challenge is over.


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MarkItZero
Posted: May 2nd, 2016, 4:41pm Report to Moderator
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I agree the concept is fairly original but there is a lot of squandered potential. If the wife is going to find out, she might as well find out right away... he could just run into the room yelling about how she has to check this cool thing out.

As it stands, the wife interrogating him isn't funny and slows things down (also there's no way she'd let him sit there for two days straight without confronting him).

As for the power itself, maybe you could start with him controlling people in their daily lives, then progressing to more and more invasive, crazy stuff (like controlling the president) before considering the repercussions of his actions... and it ends with him just sitting around messing with TV personalities and internet trolls for fun.

Or, on the flip side, maybe the power should be that he can only control people on the internet. Maybe he's some kid getting picked on in internet forums and he receives this very specific power that allows him to get revenge.


That rug really tied the room together.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: May 2nd, 2016, 4:56pm Report to Moderator
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Constantly watching a TV on screen or read from a computer screen etc… in movies is not my thing. Especially to read the long user comments wouldn't be fun for me. That you need to tell this specific story the way you did simply makes no difference about my taste when it comes to this style of film, sorry. Others seem to like it, so what…



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Trojan
Posted: May 6th, 2016, 4:41am Report to Moderator
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Interesting idea, but the execution didn't work for me. I didn't buy the character's actions or dialogue, and that someone with that kind of power would use it in the way he does.

Writing could be tightened up in places to get the story moving quicker. For example, it serves no real purpose in the opening description to tell us the things that the character is not looking at on screen.
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cloroxmartini
Posted: May 11th, 2016, 3:30am Report to Moderator
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I'm gonna say this didn't feel like funny superhero (more kinetic powers) and I didn't laugh at anything because it came off more serious than funny as the guy was trying to convince her he can make people do things. Maybe if he made ordinary people to superhero things like fly up and save a cat out of a tree or something.
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