The Exposer by 0 - Short, Comedy, Sci Fi - The struggles of a young couple make them question just how hard it is to differ between a hero and a villain. 6 pages - pdf, format

Good writing and an original concept. A couple of reasonably funny lines in there as well.

The ending fizzed a bit, but hey, it's six pages so I expect that from most of us.

Good job

Yes, the script met the challenge but it didn't hit my funny bone.

The concept was good, nice use of a single setting and the story was clear.  A more interesting discovery of his power would be edgier than his drone-like behavior. I would expect him to hoot and holler "Babe, you gotta see this!" Have him try his power on someone he despises or really likes (as you implied).

Avoid the use of TV news as exposition, it's a real buzz kill especially when it's a page long.

Clean. Well executed. Nice idea. didn't give me a chuckle.

Well written for the most part other than the TV scene - the story got stuck in the gears a bit for me there - but that be a function of a limited page count.

Quite liked the super power presented.

I thought there were some missed opportunities for humor.  Rather than internet trolls who none of us know - it may have been funnier to include ridiculous statements or acts from people we know. Something akin to:

Donald Rumsfeld - there are known knowns...

Superhero - that was me.

Next - Donald Trump or Kanye West of whoever the author would deem mock worthy would have more opportunity for humor then the non-descript folks here.

Pretty good effort overall.

Overall it's pretty good.

It does read as a sketch though. Or skit - whatever they call them. The idea is original but you didn't go far with it.
But it does read funny. And as a sketch/skit (?) works very well.

This was the best one, so far.  It was funny at points.  

I didn't find it THAT funny, and the ending wasn't that funny.  You kinda need a big payoff.  

But, the story was solid.  The writing was solid.  It was a good story.  Just not that funny.

7.5/10

0,

An interesting concept, no doubt and funny, in a way, that these people only wanted to use this power for the most trivial of reasons. But this seemed a little flat to me. It needed a little bit more. Tough to do in six pages, I know. I wouldn't say it wasn't funny, but not something that's amuse me too much.

Best of luck.

Glenn.

Liked what he was using the superpower for!

There's a couple of slugs that you don't really need in here as they aren't new scenes. Well written other than that.

But it didn't really make me laugh, though Kren's reaction raised a smile.

Reasonable effort

Clean, reads well. On page 6, three dialogues start with "well" which reads a bit funny. Also, a tiny niggle, I think it's "sheikh" rather than "sheik" in the middle eastern context.

Really liked the news reader's opening salvo, especially the imagery about Pitbull and his doggy counterpart.  The thing about the sheikh's and their busses had me going too, pretty good effort

Cool idea, but not sure it works as a standalone short.  I actually really liked the idea of a guy who uses his power to expose the "haters."  Once it became a full blown "I can control peoples' minds" admission, i was a tad disappointed.  "Controlling the haters" is a really stupid and limited power to have, but there's something really different and new about it that made me was to see more.

Imagine having a power that can be used for good, but it extremely limited to the point you can only make people backtrack and apologize for the bullshit they say on the internet...

either way, it was solid enough, just felt like a scene that would take place on page 22 of a screenplay moreso than a one off short.

This could have worked so much better. The concept was good but the delivery wasn't great.
The end with the girlfriend getting her own back just seemed rushed.
Not many laughs.
Overall the writing was good.

Good job on entering

Yep, neat little story but zero comedy!

0 laughs out of 10

I see the potential in it, but the laugh fator wasn't strong, sorry. But well written nontheless.

Decent concept, but didn't even scratch the surface of its comic potential.  Instead of random idiots on the internet, he should have gone after people who personally did him wrong.  If he was one of these poor bastards who had been nationally humiliated with a meme a la Crying Jordan, you could have really had fun with it.  Also, a hint of how he actually got these powers would have helped the story.

A well-executed script and decent story. There was a lot of potential for comedy here which was squandered in my opinion. The whole premise was the build up to the punchline at the end, which I did find funny, but it gave this a sketch feeling when you could have done so much more.

-Mark

I like the idea but it doesn't get going till page 5. So, for me, the execution is off. What you have by page 5, should be known by page 2. Then some type of payoff is needed. The pacing is completely off, with some work though this could be great. Would also work as a feature.

Interesting idea, but one that sets itself up for a drama/thriller, or possibly psycho horror

Worth working on though

Writer,

Good script. For a drama.

Steve

OK, final few to review today...let's see if I can get all the way through this one (I'll try!).

Page 1 - "big double-bed" - Huh?  Really?  First of all, double beds aren't big...they're one of the smallest beds you can have.  Shouldn't be hyphened, either.

The last sentence in the opening passage is very poor - it's passive, it's out of place, and it ends in an orphan.

2nd passage is bad all the way around - missing commas, poor word choice, and ending with unnecessary detail (he doesn't notice anything around him) - what should he be noticing?  It's night, he's alone in the room, there's nothing to notice, is there?

Writing is extremely passive!

What's with the repeated Slug after the END INSERT?

Next passage is a complete tell and unfilmable, other than the sound.

Completely incorrect way of showing the sound. Really?

So, Karen is just there with him all of a sudden?  Does she walk in or what?

Page 2 - Hmmm...do Miles and Karen know each other?  The way Karen questions him, it seems like they just now met.

ZERO comedy so far...is this really a superhero themed comedy script?

Page 3 - Wow...most of the page is a reporter talking on a TV set?  Really?

Page 4 - Another repeated Slug?  What's going on here?

This is getting extremely hard to stay in on...absolutely ZERO comedy, no mention of any kind of superhero, and the biggest problem is the writing and the complete bore factor.  Damnit...I said I'll try and stay in and I will, but this is a very tough slog.

Page 5 - The sheik's dialogue, both his own words and Miles speaking as him, is terrible, sorry to say...but at least we now have some semblance of super powers.

OK, listen...when you have an insert, Flashback, or whatever, you need to end it and return to scene - you do not need or want to repeat the Slug you're already in.  Looks terrible, wastes space, and irritates.

"who's" - Really?  Oh man...c'mon!!!

Well, we end on a joke, at least.

Not good...not good at all, and this is proof to me that when I "know" I should bail, I should bail.  This was a complete waste, sorry to say.

I pretty much agree with everyone else:

No laughs, potential but didn't capitalize on it, quick easy read.
You were on the right path with the internet commenters, but it didn't go anywhere.

Congrats.

Jordan

“I checked your browser-history while you were showering, thinking maybe you’re some kind of porn addict. But now that I know it’s not porn, I’m really worried.”

I guess Karen’s unfamiliar the Private/Incognito feature browsers have nowadays.

“Hey baby I love your BELLS”

I don’t even know what that means (okay, saw it later), but it’s the funniest thing I’ve read all challenge.

This took a little while to get going, but it was pretty good. Some stuff could be trimmed without affecting too much (like the news report), and it feels like a bit that should finish quicker than it does, but you managed to round it out well at the end, which has been rare in this challenge.

I’m a little surprised to see people say there was no comedy. I wonder if they’ve properly imagined an overweight, middle-aged McDonald’s employee singing a horrible rendition of Umbrella (granted, some of those details were mine), or an Arab sheikh slipping into perfect English long enough to say, “Hey baby, I love your BELLS!” (he should definitely be waving excitedly at the camera, like a child who just realized he’s on TV).

Idk, maybe the way I visualized this hit it just right and whiffed for everyone else, but there're laughs here, if you execute it properly.

Well at least it was a quick and easy read. Not a huge fan of this. Then again, I'm not a huge fan of the protag's abilities. Seems like a waste but I get it (I'd probably be doing the same thing if I could control people's minds). Not bad but not super intriguing either. Middle of the road for me.

I avoided this one for a while, given the title. Thought it'd be a different plot, character and type of humor entirely. Was pleasantly surprised.

Not particularly funny, but the idea is notably clever... in fact, now that I think of it, if this OWC has taught me anything, it's that clever ≠ funny. I would've gone further with it though. At some point, Miles' actions could easily become as mean as the people he's manipulating and more, but given the premise, I don't think his actions were... thirst-quenching enough. What I would do if I had these powers...

I liked it. Didn't make me laugh, but the premise in and of itself is solid. Also... relevant. Worth looking into further when the challenge is over.

I agree the concept is fairly original but there is a lot of squandered potential. If the wife is going to find out, she might as well find out right away... he could just run into the room yelling about how she has to check this cool thing out.

As it stands, the wife interrogating him isn't funny and slows things down (also there's no way she'd let him sit there for two days straight without confronting him).

As for the power itself, maybe you could start with him controlling people in their daily lives, then progressing to more and more invasive, crazy stuff (like controlling the president) before considering the repercussions of his actions... and it ends with him just sitting around messing with TV personalities and internet trolls for fun.

Or, on the flip side, maybe the power should be that he can only control people on the internet. Maybe he's some kid getting picked on in internet forums and he receives this very specific power that allows him to get revenge.

Constantly watching a TV on screen or read from a computer screen etc… in movies is not my thing. Especially to read the long user comments wouldn't be fun for me. That you need to tell this specific story the way you did simply makes no difference about my taste when it comes to this style of film, sorry. Others seem to like it, so what…

Interesting idea, but the execution didn't work for me. I didn't buy the character's actions or dialogue, and that someone with that kind of power would use it in the way he does.

Writing could be tightened up in places to get the story moving quicker. For example, it serves no real purpose in the opening description to tell us the things that the character is not looking at on screen.

I'm gonna say this didn't feel like funny superhero (more kinetic powers) and I didn't laugh at anything because it came off more serious than funny as the guy was trying to convince her he can make people do things. Maybe if he made ordinary people to superhero things like fly up and save a cat out of a tree or something.