Animal Magic by Anthony Cawood (writing as Johnnie Morris) - Short, Comedy - He can talk to the animals, walk with the animals, get them to do his bidding even... but can his power help him get laid? 6 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey, writer.

It held my attention throughout and I was quite curious to actually see if he does get laid.

He didn't do much about it and he doesn't look that horny - that's not good. You should clearly state that he is I think.
So, he asks a chimp for a banana, the chim gives him a banana and she thinks he can talk to animals? We wouldn't understand the animals get him from it. Looks like the chimps know that command. Now if he told a snake to get off a tree perhaps.... But chimps - they know this type of command. It's no big deal that part could be easily rewritten.

The thing that didn't satisfy me is the ending - the dog jumps him up, I don't know, it's funny, but not very satisfying. The whole piece looks like it lacks on story a bit in my opinion.

Seems more of the wit is written as an aside rather than in the action or dialogue. Perhaps the chimpanzees interpreting the moment and saying the suggestive things would work better, at least this way, the viewer could also be a party to the young perv's suggestive thoughts.

Good effort. The solid basis of a story is here and with some tweaks this could be a good one. Nice work.

Seems to me that Max hasn't given a lot of thought to what the potentials of his power might be. Which is kind of pointed out by her. Kinda saw the end coming.

Solid. Not so funny for me.

SPOILERS

So the power is the command of animals - but only through cursing.  A Dr. Dolittle with a twist.

For me, when I got to the end my first thought was that this had to be one where the punchline came first and the story second.  At the moment the punchline was delivered (and the resultant response from the pet) - I thought - clever.

A lot of unfilmable asides used in this one. Actually,  I'm okay with that, my problem for me was that I thought the asides were better written than other parts of the script.  I also think that there was some missed comedy potential in the MILF and the boy talking about what specifically qualifies as a curse word.

Anyway - met the criteria. Relatively solid writing for the time constraints. Thought that there was some missed opportunities for comedy.  

It was funny.  But, the entire problem that I had with the OWC was evident in this story.  It seems like a big wind up to the joke climax, for lack of a better choice of word.  

It seemed like a joke played out.  And I agree, getting a chimp to toss a banana isn't shocking.  You should have a tougher connection, perhaps have a giraffe save a cat in a tree or something.  

It was a good effort, but, like I said, it was almost telegraphed as one big long joke.

6.5/10

The asides seem to be more funny than the script itself. Pretty obvious the dog was gonna hump him.

Overall it was pretty good.. a few typos but it is the owc after all

Good job on entering

Johnny Morris,

This was ok. Like a few already, just not my sense of humour. But that's ok. It was pretty well written. Some of the action lines were funny. I suppose on screen this would probably get a chuckle. When does a dog humping a man not?

Not bad.

Glenn.

Not bad. Like most of these entries, it needs way more humour. A 6 page comedy should drip with the funny juice!  But fair effort i spose

3 laughs out of 10

As I started reading this, my heart sank. Most of the comedy is coming from the writer's asides and self awareness- neither of which contributes to the story and could just get to the point. Then comes the actions which are filler by themselves and have no meaning ("shrugs" "laughs" "nods")

Quoted Text Max believes MILFs actually exists outside of porn and are just waiting to meet him.

Unless he says it in a voice over/word balloon or wears such a slogan on a shirt, we have no way of knowing this.

Nice effort I 'spose. I gave up by page 4.

Well crafted, solid writing and good idea. Just needed to be a bit funnier I guess, as summed up with Stevie's "dripping with funny juice" comment...now that's a visual

Attack of the witty asides!  Really?  In a pisser, sure, throw them out, but make sure they're actually pisser quality funny - these ain't.

Dialogue is pisser quality, but I'm not sure it's intended to be.  Max and Paula must have both had lobotomies recently.

So overwritten and nothing taking place, but I'll wait for the punchline I know will be coming right at the end...

Redonkulous, but cute, actually.  I don't think it really qualifies as having any superhero, but not half bad.

Writer,

Kinda liked this. Well set up, to the point and not a chore to read. And the little red thing between Bruno's legs made me laugh out loud. Good job then. I was thinking Paula was gonna get dogged? An I wrong there? Would've been a funny scene if that shit went down and just holding on Max's face would've been a good comedy opportunity nod hearing some, et, noises in the bg! Anyway, good job!

Steve

I read it and it was OK.  Seems Max is doltish since he can't control his speech.  I liked Paula better.  

I rather liked this. Good logline as well.

I didn't see the end coming...whoops...which was funny.

Yeah, needs a tidy etc and yeah a chunk of the humour is in the asides, but I think this could come across in the filming.

Good effort for a week.

Not bad but could have been better.  The entire first five pages felt like setup for the horndog scene.  I just didn't laugh during those first five, although the payoff was pretty good.

I’m old enough and British enough to remember Animal Magic and Jonny Morris. I thought this was going to be a spoof of that show but sadly it wasn’t.

A decent idea but I echo what others have said. Johnny needs to demonstrate his command over animals more than just asking them for a banana. With swearing being an essential part of his powers, there was loads of comedy potential here which you could have fitted in as flashbacks when he’s discussing animal army options with the milf. This could have been an R-Rated Ace Ventura. As it is, there seems to be more effort into placing comedy in the asides we’d never see on screen than the stuff we would.  

I think there’s potential here though and you did well in such a short timeframe so I’d consider fleshing it out more outside the owc.

-Mark

It starts strong. At p3 your dialogue gets boring when they list animals and refer to books and movies etc. In the end, an absurd idea which didn't work for me. Nonetheless, the last page made me smile. I think it could be better when executed short, 2 or 3 p, as a quick and complete sketch.

This one’s got a good, humorous concept, but it’s not fully taken advantage of in my opinion. The debate about whether talking to animals can be useful didn’t go anywhere, and it seemed kind of strange really. I mean, we’ve got seeing eye dogs, search and rescue dogs, military dolphins. It doesn’t seem like much of a debate to be honest, and it would’ve been nice to see him interact with (and swear at) a greater variety of animals before getting to the final punchline.

Also, it just occurred to me that the logline sounds more interesting then the script turned out. I think it would’ve been better to watch this guy attempt a series of “get-laid-quick” schemes with his powers. As it was he seemed oddly apathetic toward his abilities.

Did I really just read a script about a guy who gets fucked by a dog?  Hold on...let me read it again.
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Yep.  He got fucked by a dog.

Well...it's a script, and...there were people in it, and...uh...did I mention it was a script?

I can't stand cute little asides that sound oh so clever in the writer's mind but never translate well on the page.

I did have some hope for this one but then it took a left turn at Albuquerque and shot itself in the head with a howitzer.

Pass.

Congratulations on finishing a script though.  That's 90% of the work.  
The other 90% is perspiration or something like that.  

And yes.  I can do maths.

Jordan

This one felt really forced. Max seems so disinterested in his own powers. Paula seems *overly* interested and drags him back to her house for seemingly no other reason other than the plot needs it. The banana gag seemed so easy to miss by a passerby. Paula hones right in on it, where I think a more rational person might've shrugged it off in disbelief, perhaps with some kind of rationalization to explain it away.

The punchline doesn't work IMO based on how mean-spirited it is, not to mention violent and traumatic (for Max). "Oh fuck it." - Yeah, right, dude. Hope you're ready to put in several years, perhaps decades, of therapy. Not sure he deserves what he gets, nor does Paula have any plausible reason to want it. Even if she did... a boy (or perhaps girl) who talks to animals... what an amazingly specific yet futile thing to look for.

Even if this weren't the case (let's say Max ran away or something), still very little comedy or even sense on display here. The superpower is squandered, very few laughs on display for me, inside or outside the prose, and just a really rushed feel overall that doesn't hold together. I'd revisit the central premise of talking to animals and see if you can't come up with something better.

Thanks to all for their comments... this was kinda out of my normal ballpark but wanted to give it a go for the OWC.

Have had a more outrageous (and potentially more logical) idea for the ending so may re-write this one at some point.

Again congrats to all that entered.

A dark one for you Anthony, me thinks. Hence why I thought it was Dustin's. And then he thought it was mine !

Rather liked it.

It would be a curious one to watch though

I had Anthony pegged for this one a couple days after I'd read it. But then, when Reef said he thought it was mine, I thought he may be bluffing to throw people off the scent and that it was really his.

An excellent idea and with some work it could be an excellent story too. So much room for comedy with talking animals, especially if they can relate the protag's thoughts to the viewer. No need for exposition. Sounds like it should be easy.