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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2016 OWC  ›  Swag - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Swag - OWC  (currently 2359 views)
Cameron
Posted: April 26th, 2016, 7:57am Report to Moderator
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Hey Hank,

Not going to go over the formating stuff, it's there and that's an issue. I liked the writing, no proper fully on funny moments for me but it certainly wasn't a bad read. Maybe with a larger page count you could expand on it a bit to even it out, seems a bit all over at the moment.

Anyway, good effort mate
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 27th, 2016, 4:10am Report to Moderator
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Yoda through me off balance for a bit but I did like Swag at first until he did the racist monologue. There’s a huge tone shift after the nukes go off and it gets very serious and seriously confusing. Sorry , not one for my tastes.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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PrussianMosby
Posted: April 27th, 2016, 11:51am Report to Moderator
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Points for weirdness here. I liked Swag in his apartment, frustrated as shit. Most of it went over my head. Seems you created a fanciful vision here and I always choose risk over boring and safe stuff. Just work on how to get it into our heads.



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EWall433
Posted: April 29th, 2016, 1:35pm Report to Moderator
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The writing needs some work, but I quite like the idea of a superhero who represents America’s occasional cockiness towards foreign policy. There’s a clever satire to be had here, but it needs some work to fully come through.

It doesn’t seem right for Swag to realize his mistake and want to change, though. Seems like Swag wouldn’t have that kind of insight. I do however, like the implication that Swag is the cause of problems that only he himself can fix, like a self-fulfilling prophesy.

There’s no real laughs, but it’s a comedy in that it’s fairly dark satire. Overall it needs work, particularly in aspects of the writing (some of which are probably attributable to length), but the ideas are there.
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