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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2016 OWC  ›  Pillock of Society - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Pillock of Society - OWC  (currently 2935 views)
Dreamscale
Posted: April 27th, 2016, 12:05pm Report to Moderator
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Surprisingly, I read the entire script.

Lots of talking and lots of the talking wreaks of being a pisser, while the peasants' dialogue is just plain irritating.

You met the challenge, though, as it's obvious you went for comedy and you have some super heroes, and you didn't go over 6 pages, so by that alone, probably one of the better ones.

But for me, it was very dull and little actually took place.  I also despise the lack of subjects in your prose, and just don't understand why peeps write like this.

All in all, I'd have to say this was a moderate success.
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Nomad
Posted: April 28th, 2016, 10:46am Report to Moderator
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Entertaining, but you almost lost me when Krono-boy said "fuck" in his opening dialogue.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to a good "fuck", but it was unnecessary.

I did like the way CM spoke and I could hear his confident cluelessness in his dialogue, so I commend you for that.

I also liked the way you worked a "7 day challenge" into the script.

Congrats.

Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
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James McClung
Posted: April 28th, 2016, 2:37pm Report to Moderator
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Definitely one of the stronger entries. Well-written, and one of the few that seems fully realized in its goals. You were also able to communicate a lot of information about the story, characters and world in fairly short order, although the plot itself, while entertaining, is somewhat tangential and mundane.

Lots to like, really. I like the stupid hero/smart sidekick dynamic and the time-travel premise. Not all of the jokes were funny, but they all seemed well-crafted. The encounter with the peasants could've easily fallen flat, but the use of language made it work. I wish they'd had a laugh at the heroes' dialogue as well as the... pillock, since it wouldn't have made any sense to them. That's more of a nitpick though.

I do agree with others that more could've happened here. This is only a digression from a bigger plot for the heroes, and all the peasants really do is stop to have a laugh then fuck off. Perhaps the peasants see the Kronotrator, accuse the heroes of witchcraft, and go fetch the other townspeople to persecute them. Maybe not for six pages or the tone of the script, but food for thought.

Not bad.


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EWall433
Posted: April 29th, 2016, 1:38pm Report to Moderator
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Well, pissers were allowed, so I can’t really get too annoyed at the meta-humor. I liked the pillock joke, and the peasant section, but nothing else stuck out.

The exchanges between the two heroes felt like they were trying too hard. There’s a level of wordiness that gets in the way of the humor for me. For instance, the Kid swearing and Continuum Man scolding his language obscured the joke where the kid just called him “CuntMan”. The characters then double back just to point out that’s what’s happened and essentially make the joke twice just to ensure it’s understood once. Some judicious editing would make that exchange much snappier and funnier. Unfortunately, I didn’t get out of it what others appear to have.

Not much of a story here either, so I can’t think of much else to say on this one.
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MarkItZero
Posted: May 2nd, 2016, 6:26pm Report to Moderator
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Overall solid. The dialogue stills needs work if you really wanna take this up a notch. Especially as it relates to the dynamic between hero/sidekick. If you're going to have the sidekick constantly crapping on his boss, Continuum Man needs to be more than just stupid.

Make him stupid with a side of arrogant. I mostly just felt bad for him, especially since most of his mistakes involved miscalculations in complex time travel technology. Give him a dash of Zapp Brannigan (Futurama) or something like that so I don't just take pity on him.

Krono-kid could do with a little more depth too. Maybe there's a rivalry between the two? Jealousy at the fact he's not captain? I realize you only have six pages but a little splash here and there would help tremendously.  


That rug really tied the room together.
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Trojan
Posted: May 6th, 2016, 5:07am Report to Moderator
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I found it to be just okay. More of a story would've helped add some meat to all the dialogue and exposition.
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khamanna
Posted: May 6th, 2016, 6:48am Report to Moderator
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I wish there was more of a story and less dialog
You could greatly cut on the dialog and it would be funnier.
I didn't like the beginning of it - how they say each other's names - that was pompous. I know you are going for pompous but that was way too much for me.
The first page sets the tone - that you did which is good.
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cbead
Posted: May 11th, 2016, 6:31am Report to Moderator
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So this one is mine. I was surprised that this one actually got a little bit of love from some folk, like most people I assume, it was rushed and not edited sufficiently.

I was a few days behind as I had started a draft on a "Sidekick Support Group" type script, but that sort of went nowhere.

I wanted to expand the peasant's dialogue a bit more but it was a struggle to research all the olde English language. The ending was also rushed, just ran out of time for a more clever ending.

But being only my 2nd OWC, I am buoyed by the feedback both positive and constructively critical. Happy it was a credible entry, and the obvious improvement in my scriptwriting.


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DanC
Posted: May 11th, 2016, 1:50pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from cbead
So this one is mine. I was surprised that this one actually got a little bit of love from some folk, like most people I assume, it was rushed and not edited sufficiently.

I was a few days behind as I had started a draft on a "Sidekick Support Group" type script, but that sort of went nowhere.

I wanted to expand the peasant's dialogue a bit more but it was a struggle to research all the olde English language. The ending was also rushed, just ran out of time for a more clever ending.

But being only my 2nd OWC, I am buoyed by the feedback both positive and constructively critical. Happy it was a credible entry, and the obvious improvement in my scriptwriting.



I thought you did a really good job at it honestly.  I just felt that the guy was a bit too dumb to be in charge.  I think the sidekick support group (which was done on here) would have been a funny idea too.  

You should fix this up, and resubmit it for future reads.  I'd do my part and help out.

Good job.
Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Cameron
Posted: May 18th, 2016, 5:54am Report to Moderator
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Hey Cbead,

Sorry mate, was meaning to reply to this earlier. As per my previous comment, I liked the concept and the writing was a good. Out of all the pieces of work up in the challenge, I reckon this has got the most room for expanding the story.

You planning on taking it forward? You should try to build up around their adventures combating the plague and ye olde folk, there's got to be a load of material in it.
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Andrew
Posted: May 21st, 2016, 4:57pm Report to Moderator
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Undoubtedly well-written, but I just felt it didn't really go anywhere. 5 pages or not, there should be a beginning, middle and end, and I just didn't see that here.

The lesson for me here is that no matter how well-written, if the script lacks focus and direction, you find yourself skimming.

I'd say reevaluate what you're looking to achieve with this and redo it, or if you're happy with what you gained from the exercise, then completely ignore what I just suggested!


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