Pillock of Society by Preston Thyme - Short, Comedy - They are crusaders of the time- space continuum, re-aligning moments of time for the betterment of humanity. Well, that was the plan anyway.  6 pages - pdf, format

Kind of reminded me, without the science, of Les Travelleurs...the French film. Dumb master clever, side kick. Or should that be  Don Quixote etc etc

Some good lines and a decent basis, Ie travelling to the wrong time. Not much superhero, more time traveller , but hey who cares.

Fair effort for a week, but needs a few tweaks to really fly...boom boom

A few good laughs. Can't say that much of anything happened but this strikes me as a great character study. Good dialogue.

Nice work.

It was funny.  The dialog was smart, funny.  Not much happened.  

How does someone that dumb get to be in charge?  You should make him like the leader's idiot brother or something like that.

It was a bit odd.  Also, you have no indication of where they are at all.  Open doesn't really say much.  And if it's that open wilderness, then why would anyone travel that part of it?

A good effort.  One of the better ones so far.

7/10

Dan

First - it met all of the parameters of the challenge - Noice!

Solidly written - good format/structure.

I did get a few chuckles here -

Overall, nice job.

I'm guessing Brit effort from the title...

Some very funny dialogue on display here, Bieber presidency -

But the story sort of just petered out..

Shame I was enjoying that!

Yeah, pretty good and some funny lines. Again, needs much more one liners and stuff cos of the 6 page thing. But some nice puns in here!

7 laughs out of 10

Enjoyable read. Pretty funny throughout.

Are time travelers, superheroes?  I guess they're saving the planet one thing at a time... especially stopping a Bieber president

The writing was tight.

Good job on entering

Preston Thyme,

This one was pretty funny, but kind of fizzled out at the end. I liked the two heroes and the idea of the quite obviously mentally challenged main hero. Just needed more at the end.

Nice one, though.

Glenn.

Writer,

I liked the premise of this one. I think it could have had quite a few more laughs if handled a but differently. There was a lot of chatter between Continuum an his sidekick, and thy seemed where most of your jokes were. However, it tired after a while. Where you succeeded, IMO, is when the couple came riding up in the wagon. Now that was hilarious. Pretty good job.

Steve

Liked the title, the script's pretty good too. Positives are natural dialogue, the relationship between our two hero's and the scenario. Limited by the six pages, I'd like to see that doubled to figure out how they survived ye olde times.

Good work

Reminds me of a Monty Python type sketch. It can still fly today, but came across as a little dated to me. I can see this being highly appreciated by some though. Nice job.

Good job.  Nothing like being clueless, and I liked the tie in to the contest.  Well done.

This one started reading like a pisser to me. I groaned when CM said, “Well, of course our challenge was…” and then explained everything for the audience. Maybe that was intentional but that opening scene felt flat and was annoying. However, the writer showed exceptional skill in the scene between the peasants and our two heroes. It was well written and funny, I was really warming up to this and then it just ended. This needs to either have the beginning cut a lot shorter or more pages but it has potential for sure.

-Mark

There's a wrong page break on p 1-2. I read it all but didn't enjoy much of it. Too much talking, far less action. It didn't grab me, sorry. Others seem to like it, so what...

Surprisingly, I read the entire script.

Lots of talking and lots of the talking wreaks of being a pisser, while the peasants' dialogue is just plain irritating.

You met the challenge, though, as it's obvious you went for comedy and you have some super heroes, and you didn't go over 6 pages, so by that alone, probably one of the better ones.

But for me, it was very dull and little actually took place.  I also despise the lack of subjects in your prose, and just don't understand why peeps write like this.

All in all, I'd have to say this was a moderate success.

Entertaining, but you almost lost me when Krono-boy said "fuck" in his opening dialogue.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to a good "fuck", but it was unnecessary.

I did like the way CM spoke and I could hear his confident cluelessness in his dialogue, so I commend you for that.

I also liked the way you worked a "7 day challenge" into the script.

Congrats.

Jordan

Definitely one of the stronger entries. Well-written, and one of the few that seems fully realized in its goals. You were also able to communicate a lot of information about the story, characters and world in fairly short order, although the plot itself, while entertaining, is somewhat tangential and mundane.

Lots to like, really. I like the stupid hero/smart sidekick dynamic and the time-travel premise. Not all of the jokes were funny, but they all seemed well-crafted. The encounter with the peasants could've easily fallen flat, but the use of language made it work. I wish they'd had a laugh at the heroes' dialogue as well as the... pillock, since it wouldn't have made any sense to them. That's more of a nitpick though.

I do agree with others that more could've happened here. This is only a digression from a bigger plot for the heroes, and all the peasants really do is stop to have a laugh then fuck off. Perhaps the peasants see the Kronotrator, accuse the heroes of witchcraft, and go fetch the other townspeople to persecute them. Maybe not for six pages or the tone of the script, but food for thought.

Not bad.

Well, pissers were allowed, so I can’t really get too annoyed at the meta-humor. I liked the pillock joke, and the peasant section, but nothing else stuck out.

The exchanges between the two heroes felt like they were trying too hard. There’s a level of wordiness that gets in the way of the humor for me. For instance, the Kid swearing and Continuum Man scolding his language obscured the joke where the kid just called him “CuntMan”. The characters then double back just to point out that’s what’s happened and essentially make the joke twice just to ensure it’s understood once. Some judicious editing would make that exchange much snappier and funnier. Unfortunately, I didn’t get out of it what others appear to have.

Not much of a story here either, so I can’t think of much else to say on this one.

Overall solid. The dialogue stills needs work if you really wanna take this up a notch. Especially as it relates to the dynamic between hero/sidekick. If you're going to have the sidekick constantly crapping on his boss, Continuum Man needs to be more than just stupid.

Make him stupid with a side of arrogant. I mostly just felt bad for him, especially since most of his mistakes involved miscalculations in complex time travel technology. Give him a dash of Zapp Brannigan (Futurama) or something like that so I don't just take pity on him.

Krono-kid could do with a little more depth too. Maybe there's a rivalry between the two? Jealousy at the fact he's not captain? I realize you only have six pages but a little splash here and there would help tremendously.  

I found it to be just okay. More of a story would've helped add some meat to all the dialogue and exposition.

I wish there was more of a story and less dialog
You could greatly cut on the dialog and it would be funnier.
I didn't like the beginning of it - how they say each other's names - that was pompous. I know you are going for pompous but that was way too much for me.
The first page sets the tone - that you did which is good.

So this one is mine. I was surprised that this one actually got a little bit of love from some folk, like most people I assume, it was rushed and not edited sufficiently.

I was a few days behind as I had started a draft on a "Sidekick Support Group" type script, but that sort of went nowhere.

I wanted to expand the peasant's dialogue a bit more but it was a struggle to research all the olde English language. The ending was also rushed, just ran out of time for a more clever ending.

But being only my 2nd OWC, I am buoyed by the feedback both positive and constructively critical. Happy it was a credible entry, and the obvious improvement in my scriptwriting.

Quoted from cbead So this one is mine. I was surprised that this one actually got a little bit of love from some folk, like most people I assume, it was rushed and not edited sufficiently. I was a few days behind as I had started a draft on a "Sidekick Support Group" type script, but that sort of went nowhere. I wanted to expand the peasant's dialogue a bit more but it was a struggle to research all the olde English language. The ending was also rushed, just ran out of time for a more clever ending. But being only my 2nd OWC, I am buoyed by the feedback both positive and constructively critical. Happy it was a credible entry, and the obvious improvement in my scriptwriting.

I thought you did a really good job at it honestly.  I just felt that the guy was a bit too dumb to be in charge.  I think the sidekick support group (which was done on here) would have been a funny idea too.  

You should fix this up, and resubmit it for future reads.  I'd do my part and help out.

Good job.
Dan

Hey Cbead,

Sorry mate, was meaning to reply to this earlier. As per my previous comment, I liked the concept and the writing was a good. Out of all the pieces of work up in the challenge, I reckon this has got the most room for expanding the story.

You planning on taking it forward? You should try to build up around their adventures combating the plague and ye olde folk, there's got to be a load of material in it.

Undoubtedly well-written, but I just felt it didn't really go anywhere. 5 pages or not, there should be a beginning, middle and end, and I just didn't see that here.

The lesson for me here is that no matter how well-written, if the script lacks focus and direction, you find yourself skimming.

I'd say reevaluate what you're looking to achieve with this and redo it, or if you're happy with what you gained from the exercise, then completely ignore what I just suggested!