FM by Stan Lee - Short, Black Comedy - A freak accident gives young Oliver a super power...or did it? 6 pages - pdf, format

Cleanly written. Flows very nicely. Problem is that as soon as he starts hearing other people's thoughts I''m reminded of What Women Want with Mel Gibson.

To me this wasn't a comedy. The kid has it pretty rough and the end he comes to is depressing.

I agree with Wes.  It wasn't funny.  It was extremely depressing and scary.  

It was well written.  It flowed nicely.  But, I didn't find any of it funny.

Sorry

6/10

Dan

Poor Oliver gets lynched  by everyone... more depressing than comedy, especially his dad's thoughts. I get what your were trying to go for, but it was over the top. Maybe change the dad to his brother and that would work a little better.

good job on entering

Yeah interesting take on it and would've been a good entry if drama was the genre.

I laughed once at the swear words but thats about it.

1 laugh out of 10

Nothing sparked with me as funny.

Decent drama thought.

Writer,

Hmm. I'm in a few minds on this one. I did laugh at a few of the lines. I thought they were good, if not a tad bit too much -- see gun at school. However, I think you missed a great comedic moment by having his teacher thinking all the negative thoughts. Maybe you should have just had Oliver looking more and more upset, and then spurt them out all at once at the end of the scene. Anyway, I liked this and there's potential here. Just not yet for me.

Steve

It's awesome read, but I just don't find it comedy imo. It's kinda sad.

This is one of the few I've read so far that actually has a coherent story, so good job on that.

I found the contrast between the 1950's-type characters and their dark thoughts funny.

Not sure why everyone seemed to have it in for Oliver, that was straining credibility.

Ending felt a bit crammed due to page constraint. Decent job overall.

What Women Want isn’t a superhero story and neither was this but it was a well written dark drama. The contrast between the sweet talking style of the 1950’s and the way they really thought could have been funny but because they were all dark negative (and quite evil) thoughts it negated any comedy potential.

This is a pretty decent short, it just doesn’t seem to fit into the parameters of the challenge for me.

-Mark

Stan Lee,

First one that's proper got me laughing out loud. The father's thoughts at breakfast are great! Sorry, writing as I read, and Mr. Davis' thoughts. Dark but damn funny. Dark turn with Roger bringing a gun to school. I'm now worrying about the comedy side of this. Nearly sure Roger turns into George at the end. Is he a superhero?

This one started great. Sadly, it didn't keep it up. It just got pretty grim. Pretty good story though and funny at the start. Also, I don't see how Oliver is a hero in any way..

Good luck,

Glenn.

Neither a superhero script nor a comedy. Reads well but doesn't fit into this OWC. Oh, and for my taste, too many action sentences start with he/she, Like He does this. He does that. - I'd just leave those away and start with the verb. Gives it a better flow.

First a nit.

There are tons of commas missing in the dialogue. e.g., what's wrong Oliver - needs to be what's wrong, Oliver? That mistake is made throughout.

In terms of the story - this is a solid story - well written. But for me, more of a dark drama rather than a comedy. You have a pedophile, a cruel teacher and a friend that wants to shoot the school up. IMO, way too dark to be funny.

Loads of potential. Reminds me of what women want.

Hardly a funny ending though.

Keep it more light hearted me thinks, but then again you did say this is black comedy

This one made me laugh for real. Super fucked up and mean-spirited, but I'm sick, I guess. I even laughed at Roger's reprehensible line about shooting up the school just because he called his dad "pop." I'm not sure that was even supposed to be funny.

It's not just that the content is so extreme that makes it funny though. I think juxtaposing it against lines like "Gee willikers," "peachy keen," and "righto" and just the general suburban 50s backdrop is where a lot of the effectiveness comes from. I also think it's wonderfully inane just how much the universe hates Oliver. He seems like a perfectly nice kid. Bright, even.

Unrelated to the script itself, I also had to laugh at the other comments, namely people thinking this is actually a drama (as opposed to just a bad comedy). Not that that's a stupid thing to think or that I want people to have a bad experience reading scripts (on the contrary, I have to read through the same scripts, so I'm in the same boat). There's just something about a comedy that not only doesn't make people laugh but in fact makes them sad and depressed. It seems apropos given the tragic irony of Oliver's plight in the script.

Anyway, enjoyed this one.