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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2016 OWC  ›  Nigel Cheats Death - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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Don
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 9:57am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Nigel Cheats Death by Some Human Type Person - Short, Comedy - An alien encounter brings unexpected consequences for Nigel and his wife. 6 pages - pdf, format


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
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where's my simply scripts thong?

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A vorpal mimsy - never been called that before, well not in my hands...

This improved with time and the superhero part was at first weak, but then delivers. Is the bar scene needed or could that have been avoided? Not sure,  it was mainly exposition, although it did work and helped set up the rest, but if this were being filmed they may wish to simplfy.

I think we could have done with some foreshadow, if his skill is now sexual attraction. And that could have been funny. But these are nick picks, it did well.

Not bad. Love the last line.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
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IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Equinox
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 1:33pm Report to Moderator
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Didn't convince me. First of all, I think this doesn't really qualify as a superhero script. Rather some satiric scifi, reminded me of a Louis de Funes film where aliens would land because they needed his cabbage soup as fuel. But this wasn't half as funny to me. It's well written and easy to read, but it didn't make me laugh.


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Wes
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
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it is cleanly written. I did have a problem with the bar scene dragging. And I think I get what his super power is but I'm not sure.

A little less at the bar. A little more clarity in places.


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stevie
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 5:29pm Report to Moderator
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Mixed feelings on this. Good setup and all but didn't really carry it through.

1 laugh out of 10


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 5:35pm Report to Moderator
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Well written and funny in places but not convinced it really qualifies due to a lack of a true superhero.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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irish eyes
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 9:49pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Powers over your wife to have sex with you, if that's not a superhero I don't know what is

It was an easy read and I enjoyed it. A few laughs here and there.

Good job on entering


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StevenClark
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 10:37pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Not bad at all. I liked your writing, descriptive. Had a good sense of place. One funny moments in there too. Just not sure of the superhero arc. I got his superpower, but he didn't right a wrong... Actually he did. Lack of sex. Overall, pretty decent. Good job here.

Steve


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IamGlenn
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 8:24am Report to Moderator
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:)

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Some Human Type Person,

Not a bad little story here. His superpower though? He can turn his wife into a beautiful woman that's gagging for it? I dunno. Some funny parts but nothing amazing. Decent.

Glenn.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 9:10am Report to Moderator
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Ah, the old translator is broken gag, I do like those.

A humorous, well-written tale. I do like this, my only Bandersnatch is Nigel doesn’t seem to become a superhero. I read that but at the end as Alice returning to reward him for rescuing her, as she says vorpal mimsy. Apart from that this is a funny enjoyable rompenstompernuble.  

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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eldave1
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 12:14pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Starting with the writing and forgetting the parameters of the challenge- I give it an A-plus. Very well crafted. The preciseness and the efficiency of the descriptions allowed the author to pack a whole lot of story into six pages. I am guessing that this author crushes other genres. A lot of talent. That being said - I didn't laugh. Maybe that's on me.

There was one bit of dialogue that I didn't like:


Quoted Text
CLOVIS
You rescue an alien and they give
you superpowers! Everyone knows
this. A super suit! Glowing jewelry
that makes ridiculous objects
appear out of thin air!


Aside from being too OTN, I even question the premise - does everyone really know that when you rescue an alien they give you super powers??

Anyway - I am torn on this one - thought the writig was fabulous - the humor not quite there.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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Page 1 - When you give a character description, you must set it off with commas - here you did not, and you ended this passage with an orphan (just not a good way to start).

"..the last of drop of..." - Huh?  Typo?

You end Page 1 with another orphan, which in a 6 page script can be an issue.

Missing a period after "dashboard".  Usually, with this many issues on Page 1, I'd be out but I'm staying in.

Page 2 - another orphan.

"still dripping" - Huh?  Basically, you have a double Slug going on, as "EXT. NIGEL'S CAR" is really the same as "EXT CLEARING", so the first Slug should be replaced by the "CLEARING" Slug.

"magazine" - HUH?  What magazine?

Oh boy, now we go back to the EXT NIGEL'S CAR Slug?  WTF?

Slug work is really problematic!!!  I may have to bail.

Yeah, I'm out.  Sorry...





To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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DanC
Posted: April 26th, 2016, 1:53am Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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I thought it was kinda funny.  Not sure what the super power is.  The alien did everything.  Not him.

It had a funny exposition as a joke telling story, but, not much else.

Sorry, but, I can't rate this b/c I don't see a superpower.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Dustin
Posted: April 26th, 2016, 2:09am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Quoted from DanC

Sorry, but, I can't rate this b/c I don't see a superpower.


There doesn't have to be a superpower... and in this one there actually is a superpower, anyway.

The pacing with this one is all wrong. The alien doesn't leave until page 4 and then he goes to a pub where a bloke talks about superpowers. The pub scene just isn't necessary. the good bit is the superpower but we only get to see it right at the end.

How a story like this should go is, protag meets alien, alien gives him superpower, superpower ends up doing more harm than good.

The end bit doesn't have to be like that, but there should be three stages to your structure. Yours only really has two.


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Cam Gray
Posted: April 26th, 2016, 3:21am Report to Moderator
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Not too bad, well written but just not enough full blown laughs for myself


23 Mu Mu’s in an ice cream van...
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