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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2016 OWC  ›  Munchies - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Munchies - OWC  (currently 3633 views)
Cameron
Posted: April 26th, 2016, 6:54am Report to Moderator
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Weed and pizza, great combination, in the real world anyway. Not so sure about this one, the lad's a bit like a stoner equivalent of Nigela Lawson. She gets in from the pub and makes tasty grub, he breaks in after a night on the green stuff and makes everyone pizzas.

Not for me anyway, good luck
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RichardR
Posted: April 26th, 2016, 10:35am Report to Moderator
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I don't see the why and wherefore for this 'hero'?  Malicious mischief for mischief sake?  Not funny and very repetitive.  how many times do we have to watch the guy dance?
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Lightfoot
Posted: April 26th, 2016, 11:41am Report to Moderator
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Well written and was actually enjoyable to read, but as far as comedy goes I didn't get much, I understood the story I just need something more than people getting high, would've liked to see more dialogue between Red-Eye and the cops.

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cbead
Posted: April 26th, 2016, 12:00pm Report to Moderator
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Apart from being written well,  there was not much here which appealed to me. Not really a stoner/ humour sort of guy, not in film scripts anyway



Revision History (1 edits)
cbead  -  April 27th, 2016, 3:27am
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 27th, 2016, 3:24am Report to Moderator
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The first idea I had for this OWC was Captain Craveman, I never really got any further than the title – feel free to use it for this if you want!

As it is, this is like a junkie version of Hancock and plays out like a scene rather than a short film. It’s not obvious at all how the cops suddenly get stoned. You have two pages to spare, you could have easily joined up the dots for the audience and create some more comedy with the interaction between them and Red Eyes. For me there’s potential here and it’s well written but could do with more.

A good effort for one week, worth continuing with outside the owc for sure.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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PrussianMosby
Posted: April 27th, 2016, 11:55am Report to Moderator
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Pizza Man with laser eyes. Nice.
But it's all a bit too unfocused imo. It's not bad but at some point it drifts in a confusing direction.



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IamGlenn
Posted: April 27th, 2016, 5:07pm Report to Moderator
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David Stonenberg,

Sorry, didn't grip me at all. Not sure what it was about. Just a guy making pizza, flying away at the end? Even though it was short, it felt long. That's not good.

Glenn.


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khamanna
Posted: April 28th, 2016, 4:26am Report to Moderator
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Yeah, if your stoned you often develop munchies. But this guy in real world was not moving - he was that much stoned... Funny in a way.

I didnt understand the Talk in the end. Couldnt get it.

Its not a complete story for me and that's why it failed to capture my attention. But the premise is funny
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DustinBowcot
Posted: April 28th, 2016, 4:32am Report to Moderator
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This could have been funny... but the superhero aspect lets it down. There's just no rhyme nor reason to it. A stoner breaking into a shop for food is a nice situation for comedy, but you've just missed the mark. Definitely should rework this outside of the OWC and see what happens without the superhero part being a necessity.
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Abe from LA
Posted: April 28th, 2016, 4:45pm Report to Moderator
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Not my slice of the pie. Conceptually it isn't bad, but I didn't how see the superhero angle played much of a role, except it gave the protag a superhero craving. The cops are another part of the off-kilter effect.  Just not my brand of comedy. It did get me thinking about pizza and sometimes, that's a good thing.
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 29th, 2016, 10:17am Report to Moderator
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I read the whole thing.

It should have been quite funny, but it wasn't at all.  At 4 pages, it should read quickly and easily, but it doesn't at all.

The writing is quite poor here, but in a strange way...meaning, we've all seen much, much worse writing, but this just doesn't work as written.  The Slug choice is poor.  The visuals don't work.  The asides are awful.  Nothing works here at all, and it's too bad, because it really could have and should have.
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EWall433
Posted: May 1st, 2016, 9:37pm Report to Moderator
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This was one of the better written ones, but I’m not sure the story quite met the standard of the writing. Even for what is basically a short skit it seemed curiously empty. A lot of room for pothead superhero jokes, but only a few attempts were broached.
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James McClung
Posted: May 18th, 2016, 8:55am Report to Moderator
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The OWC is definitely over. I suppose I'll go ahead and out myself. Thanks for the read, everyone, and I apologize.

This script has proved to be an act of self-sabotage. I hit the six-page mark the first time around and rewrote the script about 3-4 times before submitting. I received a questionable piece of feedback at the last minute and applied it hastily and overzealously. I slashed some essential material from the ending, and as a result, the clarity suffered.

I was more stoked than usual for this particular OWC. I suppose I got too deep into my own head and lost track of what needed to be on the page. The feedback I received was supposed to address an issue of realism. I took it further than need be in hopes of added simplicity and brevity, neither of which the script needed at this point; I had already cut a whole page of extraneous material, dropping the page count to five.

I realized all this at the worst possible time: after submitting but before the scripts were posted. By the time mine went up, I had no enthusiasm for it whatsoever, and I cringed every time I saw it bumped it the portal. It got the reviews I expected and the ones it deserved. I appreciate that some people were able to see potential in the idea, even those who didn't like it, but honestly, given how fucked up this version is, I'm at a loss as to how anyone was able to reach that conclusion.

I'd address one thing: The cops never got high. The reason for Shrimp's laughing was one of the casualties of the last-minute rewrite. At first, I thought this might be a happy accident, since cops smoking weed is way more broadly comedic than what I had intended, but nobody seemed to like it anyway, so fuck it.

I won't elaborate on the rest. This is what I did with the time I had, and it failed. I can't say for sure if the previous versions were any funnier, but they were at least more clear.

I may or may not post a rewrite. A lot of people have already read a version of the script and are done with it, but it would be a quick fix. I don't know. I tend not to have many prospects for my OWC entries after the votes are cast/names are revealed; I participate for the challenge first and foremost, and that's over in one week's time.


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DustinBowcot
Posted: May 18th, 2016, 12:56pm Report to Moderator
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This could work on a superpower level if his abilities were more weed-oriented. It just needs to be a bit smarter, I could give examples, but then I might as well write it myself. It can also work that his 'powers' are all part of his stoner fantasy.

Some weed-toking students may find the humour in it and want to make it. Needs a rewrite though, mate, as you know.

Good luck with it.
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James McClung
Posted: May 18th, 2016, 1:29pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Dustin. I think I may just post a rewrite yet. I don't expect much from it, but it seems a shame to leave the script as is.

What needs the most work is the reaction from the cops. By far. The current execution killed the script completely, because there's hardly a reaction at all. I've already rewritten the exchange with this in mind.

As for the superpowers, I think they do what they're supposed to for now. They just lack proper context. They key isn't the powers themselves but how they're used.


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