All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Weed and pizza, great combination, in the real world anyway. Not so sure about this one, the lad's a bit like a stoner equivalent of Nigela Lawson. She gets in from the pub and makes tasty grub, he breaks in after a night on the green stuff and makes everyone pizzas.
I don't see the why and wherefore for this 'hero'? Malicious mischief for mischief sake? Not funny and very repetitive. how many times do we have to watch the guy dance?
Well written and was actually enjoyable to read, but as far as comedy goes I didn't get much, I understood the story I just need something more than people getting high, would've liked to see more dialogue between Red-Eye and the cops.
The first idea I had for this OWC was Captain Craveman, I never really got any further than the title – feel free to use it for this if you want!
As it is, this is like a junkie version of Hancock and plays out like a scene rather than a short film. It’s not obvious at all how the cops suddenly get stoned. You have two pages to spare, you could have easily joined up the dots for the audience and create some more comedy with the interaction between them and Red Eyes. For me there’s potential here and it’s well written but could do with more.
A good effort for one week, worth continuing with outside the owc for sure.
-Mark
For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Sorry, didn't grip me at all. Not sure what it was about. Just a guy making pizza, flying away at the end? Even though it was short, it felt long. That's not good.
This could have been funny... but the superhero aspect lets it down. There's just no rhyme nor reason to it. A stoner breaking into a shop for food is a nice situation for comedy, but you've just missed the mark. Definitely should rework this outside of the OWC and see what happens without the superhero part being a necessity.
Not my slice of the pie. Conceptually it isn't bad, but I didn't how see the superhero angle played much of a role, except it gave the protag a superhero craving. The cops are another part of the off-kilter effect. Just not my brand of comedy. It did get me thinking about pizza and sometimes, that's a good thing.
It should have been quite funny, but it wasn't at all. At 4 pages, it should read quickly and easily, but it doesn't at all.
The writing is quite poor here, but in a strange way...meaning, we've all seen much, much worse writing, but this just doesn't work as written. The Slug choice is poor. The visuals don't work. The asides are awful. Nothing works here at all, and it's too bad, because it really could have and should have.
This was one of the better written ones, but I’m not sure the story quite met the standard of the writing. Even for what is basically a short skit it seemed curiously empty. A lot of room for pothead superhero jokes, but only a few attempts were broached.
The OWC is definitely over. I suppose I'll go ahead and out myself. Thanks for the read, everyone, and I apologize.
This script has proved to be an act of self-sabotage. I hit the six-page mark the first time around and rewrote the script about 3-4 times before submitting. I received a questionable piece of feedback at the last minute and applied it hastily and overzealously. I slashed some essential material from the ending, and as a result, the clarity suffered.
I was more stoked than usual for this particular OWC. I suppose I got too deep into my own head and lost track of what needed to be on the page. The feedback I received was supposed to address an issue of realism. I took it further than need be in hopes of added simplicity and brevity, neither of which the script needed at this point; I had already cut a whole page of extraneous material, dropping the page count to five.
I realized all this at the worst possible time: after submitting but before the scripts were posted. By the time mine went up, I had no enthusiasm for it whatsoever, and I cringed every time I saw it bumped it the portal. It got the reviews I expected and the ones it deserved. I appreciate that some people were able to see potential in the idea, even those who didn't like it, but honestly, given how fucked up this version is, I'm at a loss as to how anyone was able to reach that conclusion.
I'd address one thing: The cops never got high. The reason for Shrimp's laughing was one of the casualties of the last-minute rewrite. At first, I thought this might be a happy accident, since cops smoking weed is way more broadly comedic than what I had intended, but nobody seemed to like it anyway, so fuck it.
I won't elaborate on the rest. This is what I did with the time I had, and it failed. I can't say for sure if the previous versions were any funnier, but they were at least more clear.
I may or may not post a rewrite. A lot of people have already read a version of the script and are done with it, but it would be a quick fix. I don't know. I tend not to have many prospects for my OWC entries after the votes are cast/names are revealed; I participate for the challenge first and foremost, and that's over in one week's time.
This could work on a superpower level if his abilities were more weed-oriented. It just needs to be a bit smarter, I could give examples, but then I might as well write it myself. It can also work that his 'powers' are all part of his stoner fantasy.
Some weed-toking students may find the humour in it and want to make it. Needs a rewrite though, mate, as you know.
Thanks, Dustin. I think I may just post a rewrite yet. I don't expect much from it, but it seems a shame to leave the script as is.
What needs the most work is the reaction from the cops. By far. The current execution killed the script completely, because there's hardly a reaction at all. I've already rewritten the exchange with this in mind.
As for the superpowers, I think they do what they're supposed to for now. They just lack proper context. They key isn't the powers themselves but how they're used.