Quoted from DustinBowcot Bats are not actually blind. I read some recent research that suggests bats have eyesight just as good as our own, if not better in some species. Perhaps worse in others. But still, pretty good, and they aren't blind. They use echo location as an extra aid during nocturnal hunts.

Ah - but a Bat (or Batman) in love would be, since love is blind.

Blinded by love... good one.

This was funny, Mark.

I really liked it. It reminds me of another one here in the pile - Hand Jobs Are Easy - that one is pornish though, but have a romantic feel.

I felt sorry for Laura, but I wish it was more about her and less of the focus on the others. At moments I didn't know who the script is about - I think it would benefit from following Laura. Maybe exploring her past relationships a bit, untill she meets Batman at the end. That Batman scene was a true culmination - if some scripts suffer from ending abruptly, yours definitely doesn't - the ending is very satisfying.

Some of the lines you could cut like XAVIER "Wow, the future is in safe hands" (I didn't understand the joke here) - leave only super fun stuff from the other characters so the attention would be on Laura.

A bit more conflict would benefit this as well. But I have no idea how to achieve that.  

Anyway, funny short. Nice dialog. Funny dialog... This is a good one.

Well, this was a pretty good romp that only cared about delivering some laughs.  Very little in the way of story, but a funny setup with the superheroes revealing themselves as a bunch of sick creeps.

Can't say I'm an expert on rhino scrote, but the comparison to the woman's face seemed odd, given she was only 29.  I just pictured a gray wrinkly mass.  

Good gag with Matter Eater lad.  I think I must have read the same article you did on worst superheroes ever.  He was an honest to god hero who just ate any shit you put in front of him.  Also liked the joke with the sexually confused Aqua Man.  

As for going over the limit, the obvious solution would have been to just remove all mention of Hong Kong Phooey.  He didn't belong in this freak show.  Otherwise, some funny stuff here.

Quoted from Ryan1 Well, this was a pretty good romp that only cared about delivering some laughs.  Very little in the way of story, but a funny setup with the superheroes revealing themselves as a bunch of sick creeps. Can't say I'm an expert on rhino scrote, but the comparison to the woman's face seemed odd, given she was only 29.  I just pictured a gray wrinkly mass.   Good gag with Matter Eater lad.  I think I must have read the same article you did on worst superheroes ever.  He was an honest to god hero who just ate any shit you put in front of him.  Also liked the joke with the sexually confused Aqua Man.   As for going over the limit, the obvious solution would have been to just remove all mention of Hong Kong Phooey.  He didn't belong in this freak show.  Otherwise, some funny stuff here.

You read that article too?

I actually saw an episode (cartoon) back in the day and he was in it.  He could eat anything.  I'm sorry, that isn't a useless power.  Gluttony has that same ability in Fullmetal Alchemist and he was scary.  Very scary.  

That article did have some funny ones, personally, I don't get the squirrel girl love, but, I'm not a girl, I think... lemme check...

still not sure

Yep, I'm a guy...  

anyways, I think someone thought of this, but, a support group for people that have terrible super powers might have been funny.  Anyone watch "Sky High?"  Those sidekicks had some pretty useless powers (turning into a puddle, glowing, and turning into a hamster).  I never understood why they thought that Danielle's character of making plants grow and listen to her was sidekick material, I saw the power right away...

I'm glad this tory picked up some reads.  It wasn't a bad story.  Good to see it getting some love.

Dan

I read this last weekend. Just read it again now. Last weekend there were, I think, at least six comments already up. I didn't feel there was anything I had to add to the critiques that were already there. So, my apologies. I didn't comment at that time. Having re-read it and given it more thought . . .

I'm focused on the part of the challenge that says, "You are creating a completely new character and letting them roam free and destroy the villains." You did introduce some new superheroes with new powers but I felt they were constantly being overshadowed by the traditional superheroes in the bar.

I wanted to know more about how Matter-Eater Lad would apply his powers to destroy villains. Joe can predict bowel movements? I wanna know how this is applied in fighting crime.

Definitely some funny lines. Very cleanly written. Glad I gave it a second look.

Quoted from Wes I read this last weekend. Just read it again now. Last weekend there were, I think, at least six comments already up. I didn't feel there was anything I had to add to the critiques that were already there. So, my apologies. I didn't comment at that time. Having re-read it and given it more thought . . . I'm focused on the part of the challenge that says, "You are creating a completely new character and letting them roam free and destroy the villains." You did introduce some new superheroes with new powers but I felt they were constantly being overshadowed by the traditional superheroes in the bar. I wanted to know more about how Matter-Eater Lad would apply his powers to destroy villains. Joe can predict bowel movements? I wanna know how this is applied in fighting crime. Definitely some funny lines. Very cleanly written. Glad I gave it a second look.

I'm actually probably one of the few that likes Matter-Eater Lad.  He can eat anything, including people.  There is nothing he can't bite or eat threw.  He could eat through a fence.  If you put him in handcuffs, he can eat them.  I think he has super strength too, or at least is stronger then a normal man.  Can't recall any other powers.  

He's a fun character with a crazy power.  Like I said, Gluttony on Fullmetal Alchemist had the same power and he was scary.  I'm sure they could do something cool with him.

Dan

Quoted from DanC I'm actually probably one of the few that likes Matter-Eater Lad.  He can eat anything, including people.  There is nothing he can't bite or eat threw.  He could eat through a fence.  If you put him in handcuffs, he can eat them.  I think he has super strength too, or at least is stronger then a normal man.  Can't recall any other powers.

I was actually curious about this too.  According to DC, Matter Eater Lad (Tenzil Kem) is a Bismollian who can eat any substance in any amount at super-speed. He can consume an unlimited amount of matter in any form - solid, liquid or gas. He once hollowed out a large meteor in a matter of minutes.  He can metabolize food almost instantaneously, and if needed, they can consume tons of food in minutes. Bismollians don't normally possess super-speed but as soon as the digestion process begins, the matter consumed is immediately transformed into food energy by the Bismollian "stomach". That energy fuels the person to move at a faster and faster rate of speed, as long as the energy supply keeps coming. When the person stops eating, the excess energy is collected and stored, in concentrated form, in cells very similar to human fat cells. Over the course of a couple of days, this stored energy is micro-diffused out of the body through pores in the skin.

In other words, if you own an all you can eat Chinese buffet, this is the last bastard you ever want to see walk through your doors.

Some clever lines here and I particularly like the gag about there being a lack of female heroes. I’m not sure Joe really counts as a superhero, though. And Batman at the end? I thought it’d be Daredevil coming along. He's the only blind one as far as I know.

The story is kind of buried. Laura’s desire is brought up, but she’s not the obvious protagonist and so much happens without her input that it becomes more like a series of gags. Some hitting. Some missing. Would’ve liked more story focus and an original superhero who actually factored into the story somehow.

Wait, Matter Eater Lad is a DC Superhero? Okay, well, yeah, I would have liked an original superhero in the mix too?

I'm gonna have to brush up on my knowledge of superheros.

Nice effort to cover the superhero bases. I chuckled (a lot) at some of the one liners but the overall theme wasn't my thing.

You stuffed many heroes and characters in. Suddenly, more and more of them appeared. First, I thought Joe is our prot. Then it was more about Laura. Concerning main characters, it was odd. At some point I realized you didn't care so much and rather walked with some chaos, which is fine. Some truly funny lines were presented, partly hilarious and enjoyable stuff.

Not everything worked for me story-wise; and lot did stall...
still, I felt that every line here, of whatever kind, is aiming at comedy. Not sure if anyone else went that road as disciplined.

All these superhero cameos added to the laughs. I suppose by knowing the character it makes for an immediate 'visual' and the comedy work upon that.

Some decent one liners in here which kept on coming, quite funny in places...  "her face matches the backside of a rhino's scrotum" is a visual I think I really do not want to ever see.

Good job.

Stan Lee pt.2,

Overall, this wasn't really for me. Some funny one liners here and there but a bit repetitive and failed to really hold my attention. The amount of heroes you had in this one didn't help, there was just too much happening with quite a bit not sticking. Interesting concept though.

Best of luck.

Glenn.

Hey Mark,

First... the elephant in the room. You could've *easily* fit this in six pages by cutting any one gag in this script (maybe two). They're all completely interchangeable. You don't even get to the singles night until the bottom of page three. What precedes it barely constitutes as setup. Lots of filler to do away with if you so choose.

I might not have minded any of this if the gags/one-liners were funny. Some are okay. A little broad, but I suppose that reads better. Others are crass and mean-spirited without seeming to have much thought put into them. Thought is key, as I definitely enjoy crass and mean-spirited from time to time and have enjoyed both in this very challenge.

The concept is great though. I just think you could've done more with it, namely by cutting down on the quantity of gags and focusing on ones of higher quality that are more complex and have some room to breathe in between each other... that is, if you wanna stick to the ensemble angle. You could just as easily gone with two characters engaged in a single encounter that unfolds over the course of the script.

Also... Matter-Eater Lad. Had to look this up. Turns out while brainstorming for this OWC, I came up with what I thought was an original character who had these exact same powers. I thought it was hilarious due to how inane and useless the powers are (I mean, even if he can eat anything, how fucking time-consuming; can't exactly employ in an emergency situation). Not sure if I should be proud to be thinking along the same lines as DC... or just embarrassed for DC and the fact that this is actually intellectual property.

Anyway, good concept, but kinda all over the place.