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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April, 2019 One Week Challenge  ›  Drank - OWC Moderators: Zack
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  Author    Drank - OWC  (currently 363 views)
Don
Posted: April 19th, 2019, 8:39pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Drank by Anonymous - Short, Horror - Kate who awaken tied up in a barn after drinking too much at a party, has no other choice but to play an evil game to save her three best friends. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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IamGlenn
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 4:57am Report to Moderator
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Hi,

Title page is pretty cool.

I'm not sure what the 1.A thing is in the slugs. Never seen it before. 4 pages in and the dialogue isn't great. It's clunky and friends don't really talk that way.

This one wasn't for me. Plenty of grammatical and formatting issues. The story never took off. The game didn't come with much consequences and it was a rip off of the Saw movies. Was pretty preachy too.

Not for me.

Good luck


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 5:06am Report to Moderator
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Writing notes as I read.

Drank is a strange title. Letís see.

The title page will have some throwing a fit. It doesnít bother me but it is not standard to do this.

Numbering scenes arenít the norm for spec scripts but again, Iím not going to knock any points off for stuff like that.

Opening actions are quite detailed and wet!

Thereís a spacing issue between characters and special character like ? and ! Ė did you use Word to format this?

Page 4 and no sign of a vehicle yet.

Page 5 Ė no vehicle and no sign of any horror either.

THE VOICE needs a V.O.

I got to the end. No vehicle at all. There was some suspense with the alcohol test but Iíd argue this was more thriller than horror.

I suspect the writer is fairly new to writing screenplays so no problem with the formatting issues and well done for having a go at this challenge, but it doesnít tick the boxes for me.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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currentcmine
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 12:06pm Report to Moderator
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Perspective without distortion.

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Sort of a twist from SAWS and other bondage horror flicks. But not oriented around a vehicle as the OWC stated. Could work it into a longer script, I suppose.
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ericdickson
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 12:10pm Report to Moderator
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So, no vehicle here?  
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Britman
Posted: April 21st, 2019, 8:13am Report to Moderator
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Title page is a no-no. I think the most you can get away with these days is a nice font and/or colorful background but images, especially poor ones, I'd avoid.

Formatting is not standard.

This looks to me like you found an old random shooting script laying around and submitted it just for the hell of it.


Producer/Director of The Dollmaker by Matias Caruso
Producer/Director of So Dark (the series) by James Williams

Revision History (1 edits)
Britman  -  April 21st, 2019, 11:19am
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LC
Posted: April 21st, 2019, 8:21am Report to Moderator
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This does not appear to have been written for the OWC, doesn't measure up to any of the parameters.


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eldave1
Posted: April 21st, 2019, 11:17am Report to Moderator
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Formatting is way off - you would benefit from some screenwriting software.

Didn't see how this fit the challenge parameters.

Others will hate it - I loved the title page


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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PKCardinal
Posted: April 21st, 2019, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
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DQ. No vehicle.

I'd suggest dropping the scene numbering. Fix the odd spacing !

Also, many instances of the ing's. That is: "is staring". Should be: She stares. It's a small thing, but a big thing. Suggest you fix all.

The story never really hit for me. Sorry.

(If you actually tried to match the challenge parameters, I'd give you more of a review effort.)


PaulKWrites.com

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Warren
Posted: April 21st, 2019, 6:19pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

Not a fan of that title page at all.

The underlining and numbering of the slugs isn't doing you any favours.

I think you completely missed the point of the challenge. I'm all about thinking outside the box, but this is so far out that it's forgotten what the box even looked like.

Its a big DQ from me as well, sorry.

All the best.


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Dreamscale
Posted: April 21st, 2019, 6:36pm Report to Moderator
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Title Page - Some will hate it, some may like it.  You spent time on it, and I hope it shows in what follows.

Oh boy...which is not the case.  I'm out before I even finish Page 1.  Slugs wrong, passages not properly written, bloated, loads of mistakes on every line.

I skimmed ahead and see that there isn't a single scene in a vehicle.  Maybe I missed it?

Sorry, but there's a look of a script that's very apparent right from the get go, and the look here is such that I'm not even going to begin.

*


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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bert
Posted: April 22nd, 2019, 1:16pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
I'm out before I even finish Page 1.


I'll go on record stating that fancy covers do not annoy me as long as the script delivers the goods.

And, hey, "...four wet girlfriends partying" certainly begins things on the right track -- you would think Dreamscale would approve!

But then this evolves into something fairly generic that involves alcohol and partying but (oddly) no vehicles whatsoever. Then we get "Saw" and a singularly glorious line of dialogue:  "So, you like drinking until you fall down?"  (Again, how is Dreamscale not down with this script?) Then we switch gears yet again into the oddest PSA I've ever seen.

I cannot say I hated this script -- but I am not sure I am liking it for the correct reasons. I hope the author takes advantage of the learning opportunities that come (for free!) with participating in the OWC.  Read the scripts and comments, and best of luck with future efforts.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 22nd, 2019, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
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Title page not sure about but okay, it's arresting for sure!

Not sure what software you are using or what template but you won't find another script in this OWC that has scene headings formatted like this - for good reason, looks awful... a TV template maybe?

Michelle nods to say no. - people normally shake their head.

Formattig, punctuation is distracting.

It's inconceivable if he doesn't make a move. - I don't think it means what you think it means

two condom guys - what?

Okay, no idea what I just read but it has nothing whatsoever to do with the OWC.

Kinda liked the question and answers scene though - funny!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
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Andrew
Posted: April 22nd, 2019, 9:51pm Report to Moderator
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Is this submitted to wind someone up?


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Spqr
Posted: April 23rd, 2019, 11:58am Report to Moderator
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A quote attributed to Samuel Goldwyn (among others) is "If you want to send a message call Western Union." If you're going to preach, at least do it within the structure of a challenge's parameters. This script belongs at an AA meeting not this OWC.
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Dustin
Posted: April 24th, 2019, 3:56am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder...

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DRANK

Ew... a crappy poster. It's not even half decent. The way you've cut the glass out of the original pic has left some shaky edges. It looks terrible. If you're no good at art, or stealing other people's art, then it's best to leave that sort of thing to people that are.

Code

The sound of the shower echoes a picture of four wet girl friends partying.



echoes is a poor word choice. I get what you're trying to do here. Perhaps 'complements' would be better?


Code

KATE (the girl in the middle of the pictures), fifteen years old, is staring at her reflection.



Your action lines should be as active as possible. Your line would read better like so:

KATE (the girl in the middle of the pictures), fifteen-years-old, stares at her reflection.

Code

Confident, she has nothing to do with the girl she was ten minutes ago.



I take it you mean that she feels like a new woman/girl now she has make-up on. However, I shouldn't have to decipher it. Your action lines should flow seamlessly, not trip readers up. If a sentence is great I'll often read it several times just to appreciate its beauty... however, when the sentence is bad and needs to be read over and over, it's just annoying.

What's with the extra space before a question mark?

The writing is very passive in this so I'm guessing you're quite new. Best of luck.


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: April 24th, 2019, 7:05am Report to Moderator
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This is a DQ for my scoring

How much ink is that title page using when printed? - Personal choice but I'd rather the creativity was put into the actual script, rather than the title page.

I'm not a fan of how this is formatted at all.

Matt


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_ghostwriters
Posted: April 26th, 2019, 7:38pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
This does not appear to have been written for the OWC, doesn't measure up to any of the parameters.


Totally agree, 1 trillion percent.

Dunno, you may be a  young writer and if you are new to this, then do yourself a favor and read some produced screenplays from some pros and compare. It all takes time; when we first started to write our stuff it was major league ****... Now it's just ****.

Cool title page. DQ for me as well.   Sorry.  Good luck with this, writer.... -Andrea



A-CAROLING FOR CHRISTMAS

GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA

RISE OF THE AMAZONS

THE SLEEPING TIGER

THE TIME GUARDIAN

"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

Revision History (1 edits)
_ghostwriters  -  April 26th, 2019, 7:43pm
spelling
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JEStaats
Posted: April 27th, 2019, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
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I've not read any of the other reviews, yet I'm sure this will be very similar so I'll be brief. The formatting is off and the scene numbers unnecessary. The action is overwritten and in the wrong tense. And, most important for the OWC, what did you interpret as the vehicle?

It might help the reader feel for Kate if we had a clue why she was so sad. Obviously it had something to do with her parents but it was only eluded to when her expression changed when they were mentioned.

Very 'Saw-ish'. Not for me but kudos for entering.
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ReneC
Posted: May 3rd, 2019, 2:01pm Report to Moderator
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This public service announcement was brought to you by MADD.

I was uncomfortable at the start with so much underage drinking, and then it took a rapey vibe, and then it was practically Jigsaw, and then...a quiz show? With pretty tame consequences? The tone strongly suggested someone was going to die but that was never going to happen.

The whole game portion is repetitive and boring. The only motivation is "Jigsaw" to teach the girl a lesson, but why? This might have been interesting if it was entirely from his point of view. As it is, the protagonist is passive throughout, a victim and nothing more.

Good effort, the writing itself shows promise.


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