Drank by Anonymous - Short, Horror - Kate who awaken tied up in a barn after drinking too much at a party, has no other choice but to play an evil game to save her three best friends. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi,

Title page is pretty cool.

I'm not sure what the 1.A thing is in the slugs. Never seen it before. 4 pages in and the dialogue isn't great. It's clunky and friends don't really talk that way.

This one wasn't for me. Plenty of grammatical and formatting issues. The story never took off. The game didn't come with much consequences and it was a rip off of the Saw movies. Was pretty preachy too.

Not for me.

Good luck

Writing notes as I read.

Drank is a strange title. Let’s see.

The title page will have some throwing a fit. It doesn’t bother me but it is not standard to do this.

Numbering scenes aren’t the norm for spec scripts but again, I’m not going to knock any points off for stuff like that.

Opening actions are quite detailed and wet!

There’s a spacing issue between characters and special character like ? and ! – did you use Word to format this?

Page 4 and no sign of a vehicle yet.

Page 5 – no vehicle and no sign of any horror either.

THE VOICE needs a V.O.

I got to the end. No vehicle at all. There was some suspense with the alcohol test but I’d argue this was more thriller than horror.

I suspect the writer is fairly new to writing screenplays so no problem with the formatting issues and well done for having a go at this challenge, but it doesn’t tick the boxes for me.

-Mark

Sort of a twist from SAWS and other bondage horror flicks. But not oriented around a vehicle as the OWC stated. Could work it into a longer script, I suppose.

So, no vehicle here?  

Title page is a no-no. I think the most you can get away with these days is a nice font and/or colorful background but images, especially poor ones, I'd avoid.

Formatting is not standard.

This looks to me like you found an old random shooting script laying around and submitted it just for the hell of it.

This does not appear to have been written for the OWC, doesn't measure up to any of the parameters.

Formatting is way off - you would benefit from some screenwriting software.

Didn't see how this fit the challenge parameters.

Others will hate it - I loved the title page

DQ. No vehicle.

I'd suggest dropping the scene numbering. Fix the odd spacing !

Also, many instances of the ing's. That is: "is staring". Should be: She stares. It's a small thing, but a big thing. Suggest you fix all.

The story never really hit for me. Sorry.

(If you actually tried to match the challenge parameters, I'd give you more of a review effort.)

Hi writer,

Not a fan of that title page at all.

The underlining and numbering of the slugs isn't doing you any favours.

I think you completely missed the point of the challenge. I'm all about thinking outside the box, but this is so far out that it's forgotten what the box even looked like.

Its a big DQ from me as well, sorry.

All the best.

Title Page - Some will hate it, some may like it.  You spent time on it, and I hope it shows in what follows.

Oh boy...which is not the case.  I'm out before I even finish Page 1.  Slugs wrong, passages not properly written, bloated, loads of mistakes on every line.

I skimmed ahead and see that there isn't a single scene in a vehicle.  Maybe I missed it?

Sorry, but there's a look of a script that's very apparent right from the get go, and the look here is such that I'm not even going to begin.

*

Quoted from Dreamscale I'm out before I even finish Page 1.

I'll go on record stating that fancy covers do not annoy me as long as the script delivers the goods.

And, hey, "...four wet girlfriends partying" certainly begins things on the right track -- you would think Dreamscale would approve!

But then this evolves into something fairly generic that involves alcohol and partying but (oddly) no vehicles whatsoever. Then we get "Saw" and a singularly glorious line of dialogue:  "So, you like drinking until you fall down?"  (Again, how is Dreamscale not down with this script?) Then we switch gears yet again into the oddest PSA I've ever seen.

I cannot say I hated this script -- but I am not sure I am liking it for the correct reasons. I hope the author takes advantage of the learning opportunities that come (for free!) with participating in the OWC.  Read the scripts and comments, and best of luck with future efforts.

Title page not sure about but okay, it's arresting for sure!

Not sure what software you are using or what template but you won't find another script in this OWC that has scene headings formatted like this - for good reason, looks awful... a TV template maybe?

Michelle nods to say no. - people normally shake their head.

Formattig, punctuation is distracting.

It's inconceivable if he doesn't make a move. - I don't think it means what you think it means

two condom guys - what?

Okay, no idea what I just read but it has nothing whatsoever to do with the OWC.

Kinda liked the question and answers scene though - funny!

Is this submitted to wind someone up?

A quote attributed to Samuel Goldwyn (among others) is "If you want to send a message call Western Union." If you're going to preach, at least do it within the structure of a challenge's parameters. This script belongs at an AA meeting not this OWC.

DRANK

Ew... a crappy poster. It's not even half decent. The way you've cut the glass out of the original pic has left some shaky edges. It looks terrible. If you're no good at art, or stealing other people's art, then it's best to leave that sort of thing to people that are.

Code The sound of the shower echoes a picture of four wet girl friends partying.

echoes is a poor word choice. I get what you're trying to do here. Perhaps 'complements' would be better?

Code KATE (the girl in the middle of the pictures), fifteen years old, is staring at her reflection.

Your action lines should be as active as possible. Your line would read better like so:

KATE (the girl in the middle of the pictures), fifteen-years-old, stares at her reflection.

Code Confident, she has nothing to do with the girl she was ten minutes ago.

I take it you mean that she feels like a new woman/girl now she has make-up on. However, I shouldn't have to decipher it. Your action lines should flow seamlessly, not trip readers up. If a sentence is great I'll often read it several times just to appreciate its beauty... however, when the sentence is bad and needs to be read over and over, it's just annoying.

What's with the extra space before a question mark?

The writing is very passive in this so I'm guessing you're quite new. Best of luck.

This is a DQ for my scoring

How much ink is that title page using when printed? - Personal choice but I'd rather the creativity was put into the actual script, rather than the title page.

I'm not a fan of how this is formatted at all.

Matt

Quoted from LC This does not appear to have been written for the OWC, doesn't measure up to any of the parameters.

Totally agree, 1 trillion percent.

Dunno, you may be a  young writer and if you are new to this, then do yourself a favor and read some produced screenplays from some pros and compare. It all takes time; when we first started to write our stuff it was major league ****... Now it's just ****.

Cool title page. DQ for me as well.   Sorry.  Good luck with this, writer.... -Andrea

I've not read any of the other reviews, yet I'm sure this will be very similar so I'll be brief. The formatting is off and the scene numbers unnecessary. The action is overwritten and in the wrong tense. And, most important for the OWC, what did you interpret as the vehicle?

It might help the reader feel for Kate if we had a clue why she was so sad. Obviously it had something to do with her parents but it was only eluded to when her expression changed when they were mentioned.

Very 'Saw-ish'. Not for me but kudos for entering.

This public service announcement was brought to you by MADD.

I was uncomfortable at the start with so much underage drinking, and then it took a rapey vibe, and then it was practically Jigsaw, and then...a quiz show? With pretty tame consequences? The tone strongly suggested someone was going to die but that was never going to happen.

The whole game portion is repetitive and boring. The only motivation is "Jigsaw" to teach the girl a lesson, but why? This might have been interesting if it was entirely from his point of view. As it is, the protagonist is passive throughout, a victim and nothing more.

Good effort, the writing itself shows promise.

This is the reason I have yet to submit anything on this site.  A person, whom we do not know, has submitted their script, and like vultures, you all pounce on this person, disrespect them, and bash their efforts.  There is something called, "corrective criticism", but I don't believe that is being done here.  If you don't care for someone's work, fine, but don't bash them and disrespect their efforts.

The question that comes to mind is, "Who gives you the right to judge?"  I feel bashing someone's work is not the way in helping them achieve their goal as a script writer.  All you're doing is making them feel less about their writing skills.  Next time you read someone's script on here, think about how you felt the first time you submitted a script on here and what kind of feedback you received.  Corrective criticism with a little more respect.  Quit thinking all of you are better than the next person.

Quoted from MikeCashman This is the reason I have yet to submit anything on this site.  A person, whom we do not know, has submitted their script, and like vultures, you all pounce on this person, disrespect them, and bash their efforts.  There is something called, "corrective criticism", but I don't believe that is being done here.  If you don't care for someone's work, fine, but don't bash them and disrespect their efforts. The question that comes to mind is, "Who gives you the right to judge?"  I feel bashing someone's work is not the way in helping them achieve their goal as a script writer.  All you're doing is making them feel less about their writing skills.  Next time you read someone's script on here, think about how you felt the first time you submitted a script on here and what kind of feedback you received.  Corrective criticism with a little more respect.  Quit thinking all of you are better than the next person.

If you're gonna be a writer you HAVE to have thick skin. Simplyscripts isn't a back-patting club.

BTW, having gone back through this thread, I don't see anyone being disrespectful in any way. The only person being disrespectful is the author who, as far as I can tell, didn't read and review their share of the OWC scripts.

This was also a OWC entry. Normal submissions are not treated the same way.

If you are sensitive to negative feedback, I don't recommend entering a OWC.