SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 8:42pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April, 2019 One Week Challenge  ›  Reap What You Sow - OWC Moderators: Zack
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Reap What You Sow - OWC  (currently 2293 views)
Don
Posted: April 19th, 2019, 8:39pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Reap What You Sow by Warren Duncan (Warren) writing as A Simple Farmer - Short, Drama - Upon returning to her childhood home, a young woman recalls memories from her past. A past in which monsters were very real. 12 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  May 6th, 2019, 12:01pm
revised draft
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 5:27am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
2335
Posts Per Day
0.59
Nice title, good logline.

The VO feels unnecessary. Be confident that what the audience will see will tell the story. VO to explain what is going on is sometimes a bad sign.

Abigail’s left hand, an obviously prosthetic hand. – Why not say, ‘wedged between the thumb and forefinger of her prosthetic hand’?

‘YOUNG ABIGAIL, 8, with both her original hands,’ reads weird. How about YOUNG Abigail, 8,   before the incident.

Then there’s the mother ‘one hand sits dutifully atop her husbands shoulder’ there’s an obsession with hands throughout this script.

I don’t get the Sowing title card.

Page 3, I think I see where this story is going but no vehicles yet

Finished it. A vehicle finally turned up at the end but there were no surprises. I worked out what was going to happen by page 3. I think the flashforward at the beginning ruins any such surprise as we know she survives, and we know she loses an arm right before the story begins.

Not a horror for me, more drama, but there was a suspenseful moment in the fields. Well done for entering.

-Mark



For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 1 - 36
IamGlenn
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 7:16am Report to Moderator
January Project Group


:)

Location
Dublin, Ireland, Europe, The World.
Posts
692
Posts Per Day
0.20
Hi,

This one was well written, and a pretty good story. A sad one. Not much horror. I suppose the true horror is a father being capable of these offences, but it's not a horror.

Well written and good use of a vehicle.

Good luck


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 36
currentcmine
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 12:22pm Report to Moderator
New


Perspective without distortion.

Location
Sherman Oaks, CA
Posts
34
Posts Per Day
0.01
Instead of a vehicle being the focus of a horror story, you have made a girl's sexual abuse the focus with the combine being the monster. A finely written story and one with heart.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 36
eldave1
Posted: April 21st, 2019, 11:25am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
I friggin loved the Sow, grow, reap structure of this short along with the title cards - incredibly inventive.

The story was poignant and painful and especially well-written.

I don't have a dog in this hunt, but to me - the vehicle and horror aspects are a bit under-weighted given the challenges of the parameter.  

Outside of that - fantastic job.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 36
PKCardinal
Posted: April 21st, 2019, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Kansas
Posts
1447
Posts Per Day
0.63
"That wasn't my childhood." Nice.

This one's gonna be good, I can tell on page one.

Couple typos in first 3 pages. Not yet bothered by them.

"his hand flies through the air" Huh? Okay, I get it now. But, confusing at first. Consider rewriting the line.

("Wakey, wake --" Are you from Chicago? If you are, and, you're a diehard hockey fan, you'll understand my question... If you aren't... ignore the question.)

Okay, done.

Wow. That was really good. Only problem... it doesn't feel like horror to me. So, I'm not sure what to do with that.

Top notch, though.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 36
Dreamscale
Posted: April 22nd, 2019, 10:19am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Writing is good out of the gate, but gets a bit awkward near the bottom and top of Page 2.  The thing about the prosthetic hand could be written so much clearer and even save a line.  Opening passage on top of Page 2 is also very awkwardly phrased.

Page 3 - " opens the it ever so slightly" - delete "the"

"Through the ajar door she gazes into the --" - Very awkward again.  It's strange, as the majority of your writing reads so well, then every now and then, something like this pops up.

Page 5 - more and more awkward lines/phrasings showing up.  Maybe this was rushed?  Also, no horror whatsoever, other than these monsters Dad has warned of. Zero suspense in a vehicle.  Hope this changes soon.

Page 6 - "Donald’s in the middle of a bedtime story." - Lines like this are never a good thing is a script.

"He leaves to help Helen." - And this kind of line, which I'm seeing more and more are NEVER NECESSARY in a script.  You're telling us something we cannot know...but it's also something that we should assume, so bottom line is it's unnecessary.

Page 10 - "Could that be Donald?" - Oh no...don't go there...please, don't go there.  This is an aside that is completely and totally unnecessary.

OK, the end.

It's a well thought out script, and well structured, but for me, you went overboard with the changing times, and gave away what was going to happen very early on, which is a mistake, IMO.

The real problems though, are that there isn't any horror here.  There isn't any suspense in a vehicle, and for sure, very little vehicle time, period.  It doesn't qualify for these parameters, and I'm just wondering why you chose to go this route.

**

Logged
e-mail Reply: 6 - 36
AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 22nd, 2019, 6:43pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4319
Posts Per Day
1.14
This very well written, but to me it's a straight drama, a good one but doesn't really fit the parameters.

I think it's great though.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 7 - 36
ReneC
Posted: April 22nd, 2019, 10:36pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Vancouver, BC
Posts
1435
Posts Per Day
0.31
This is brutal. It's good, and effective.

I see a lot of comments about giving everything away at the beginning, but I disagree. You set up a sense of dread that ran throughout. Yes, we knew what was going to happen, just like in those hints Zack gave us we knew what was going to happen with the shark. You told us what was going to happen right from the start, and then you made us go through it, uncomfortable in that knowing, dreading the moment when it comes. You did it very well, too.

Except, when it came down to it, you couldn't deliver because of the parameters of the challenge. This piece was brutal all the way up to Abigail losing her hand. The moment you absolutely had to show after all the lead up, her cradling her shortened limb, Donald's reaction, and you felt you couldn't, or so I suspect. A lot hinged on that.

I was okay with the V.O. at the start. It was effective and well done. The ending didn't quite sit right with me though. Maybe because of the exposition, maybe because of the time jump and the realization that nothing really came of it all. Abigail left because of the rape, but in the end you kind of proved Donald to be in the right. Donald seems to be let off really easy. He hung himself eight years later and it could have been for any number of reasons, starting with cancer from the pesticides. Now, if he'd left a note that tied directly to these events, that would have been a satisfying ending.

I have to agree that this wasn't really horror. A thriller, sure, but not horror. I don't dock for that though, you got inspired and wrote to the challenge and it's sure close enough to the mark for me.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 8 - 36
Matthew Taylor
Posted: April 23rd, 2019, 11:24am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
1770
Posts Per Day
0.89
Hello writer

This is a dark drama - sadly not a horror - although the father is horrific.

Very well written, structured - the title cards for the sow/harvest, etc were excellent and clever, everything really was top notch.

Only thing I am confused about, is Abigail and Helen dead? or was Abigail just injured in the accident? I think I am a bit slow on the uptake.

I'm not sure this entirely fits the challenge - outside of it, you have a great script.

You are clearly an accomplished writer.

Well done for completing the challenge

Matt


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 36
Spqr
Posted: April 23rd, 2019, 12:22pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
483
Posts Per Day
0.09
A decent story that got the suspense, horror and twist right, but came up short on the vehicle end of the parameters. And I believe that setting most of the story in a vehicle was the whole point of the challenge. However,  I don't think this story wouldn't work as well in any other setting, so I'd leave it as it is.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 36
stevie
Posted: April 25th, 2019, 1:17am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Down Under
Posts
3441
Posts Per Day
0.61
Yeah this would win most other OWCs that were drama based. There is horror of course in the form of child abuse but the harvester as the vehicle is almost a throw in to fulfil the criteria.

Very well written but may not be in the voters mind at the pointy end of the week



Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 36
DustinBowcot
Posted: April 25th, 2019, 1:59am Report to Moderator
Guest User



REAP WHAT YOU SOW

Code

An old, faded black-and-white family photo lies wedged between the thumb and forefinger of Abigail’s left hand, an obviously prosthetic hand.



This is the second sentence like this on the first page. The writing is good, but it could be tighter. You mention that her hand is prosthetic as an aside when you could just write it straight out.

An old, faded black-and-white family photo lies wedged between the thumb and forefinger of Abigail’s prosthetic left hand.

The first time you did it was in regard to the pink vanity table. You describe it in two sentences when it can take just one. This could also be an editing issue where you may not have had time to go through and tighten your action lines. I'm only pointing it out just in case you aren't aware of it.

Code

Helen dressed as a housewife should,



I don't understand this. You're the writer, describe things properly and well. I don't want to have to think for you in this regard.


A decent story, but middle-of-the-road for me.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 12 - 36
Britman
Posted: April 25th, 2019, 10:49am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Not in Britain
Posts
101
Posts Per Day
0.02
This was well written, perhaps in my top 3 of best writing out of all the scripts read so far.

But it was light on horror and suspense with a vehicle absent for the most part. As others said more of a drama than horror so doesn't quite check all the OWC boxes for me.

Still, a nice well written story so congrats on that.


Producer/Director of The Dollmaker by Matias Caruso
Producer/Director of So Pretty/Dark by James Williams
Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 36
bert
Posted: April 25th, 2019, 11:27am Report to Moderator
Administrator


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4232
Posts Per Day
0.61
This one has a lot going for it.  The structure is well thought out, and all the puzzle pieces fit together just so.

I don't have much to say -- there is very little to criticize here -- apart from niggling as to whether or not this script adheres to the spirit of the OWC assignment.  I'll leave that debate to others, but otherwise, this feels like a contender.  


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 36
 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    April, 2019 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006