The Encounter by Loaned Woes - Short, Horror - A man encounters something strange in the woods. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Not much suspense in this this, I felt some CUT TOs are a bit excessive on p2 to the point where it coes off as padding. Given the fact that the two characters are getting stoned, have a little hanky panky and then after some making out Greg says "I got to piss"  there was, for a brief moment, I expected a Friday The 13th type of flavor because y'know...drugs, sex, someone wanders off in the woods.

Greg, in a flashback (!) meets his doppelganger . Nothing much happens.
All doppelganger Greg does is...drive the van away, Paula unharmed and no immediate threat to her. She asks him is something wrong and then...nothing.

It's a scene, not a story. Simple, quick (maybe too quick) and boring.

Another one with two different titles..

Not a lot going on here. It's really just an incident. No real story. Not for me.

Good luck

1st of the bunch for me.

I wonder how many scripts I've read that started with this same Slug - EXT. ROAD - NIGHT.  Let's just say an awful lot!  This is not a very descriptive or unique Slug, and for me, at least, it's a poor start, but let's see if I'm wrong...

Well, restating your Slug in the passage that follows is something else I've seen time and time again and I just don't understand why peeps don't start to get a clue about this.

Both characters are "20's".  Quite a wide range of possibilities between 20 and 29.  Just give your characters an age, for Christ's sake.

CUT TO not properly used and looks absolutely terrible like this.

And now a SMASH CUT TO"  Really?  Followed by a Flashback?  Oh man...

No story here at all, and what is here makes no sense.  No horror, for the most part.  Very little suspense.  Very dull and lifeless.

Sorry, not at all for me, but congrats on getting a script in.

*

OK...

Dreamscale is totally correct on the CUT TO and the SMASH CUTS.

The dialogue seems very dry (to me). I missed the "one sequence of prolonged suspense".

As a dude and a dude with a weak bladder (51yo). If I'm in van, truck or tent in the woods, I'm just peeing right outside of it GF next to me or not

Page 5 just ended with a "FADE TO BLACK".  I'm a total "THE END" type of guy, maybe it's because I'm a ROOK...but I thought maybe a page was missing or incomplete after reading.

I didn't really understand why there were two Gregs.  This could've been explored more.  Like possibly it's an alien like Starman - mimicking Greg's body in order to evade authorities who are closing in on it.  

We waited and waited for Greg to return to the van and then nothing happened.  I didn't feel any sort of prolonged suspense, just boredom.    

Watch your CUT TO's.  There were several within the same scene and were not used properly.  

I had a gal in VW van in the 60s and it sort of went like this, but for your script, the get the vehicle part right, only it doesn't make much sense. Why was he seeing a distortion of himself? The weed? Maybe he just OD'd.

Some very creepy and tense scenes you've written here and terrific visuals but the story reads incomplete.

I would have liked to have seen that pivotal scene not in flashback but in linear time.
Greg is so shocked and scared he runs back to the van and they take off. It's at that point even more suspense should ensue.


I don't think the discussion about meeting yourself is needed either as it's unnecessary forecasting.
Just have him go out there in the dark and witness this other very scary version of himself.

I'd work on this if I were you, develop more plot with Greg being pursued by his doppleganger.  Perhaps Paula has one too?

What you have here was nicely done bar the technical advice with the Cut To's which I agree with.

The 'pale, starved, naked' image (version of the character) is very haunting. Usually dopplegangers are identical (well mostly) and you came up with something different.

Definitely write another draft.

P.S. I agree with Chris, too.
You need a real reason for Greg to go venturing further.

Not really for me. The problem I have story-wise is - and....?. i.e., he sees the image of himself in the woods and he makes a run for it.

And...?

I wanted to know how it changed him. What it meant to him. Whether his escape was going to be successful, etc.

"Okay, now that's what I'd say to me." I chuckled.

Also, good bit of foreshadowing.

Page two sequence of CUT TO's would work better as a SERIES OF SHOTS

SMASH CUT not used correctly. It would need to be between two actions directly connected to each other. Or, a line of dialogue connected to an action. (Ex: "Nobody's stupid enough to try that." SMASH CUT to Squiggy's entrance. "Hello.")

No complete story here. Basically, something happens. Beginning, middle... no end.

There are definitely pieces to work with, and the writing has its highlights. But, I really do wish it were a complete story. Why/how did this happen? What are the consequences that derive from this event? How does this impact Greg's life?

Good job on the entry. Keep writing.

Hi writer,

One of the shorter entries, I'm excited already. Diving in...

There really is no need for all the CUT TO's, it adds nothing to the story.

I'm thinking you recently watched "Us".

Not really much in the way of a story here. Stuff just happens without explanation, and then it ends. No horror or suspense that I could see.

The actual writing isn't bad, you just need to come up with a more engaging tale.

All the best.

Not going to repeat what others said about the formatting, cut-tos etc.

Story wise, not much going on that I could get into. The flashback was way out of place and not needed. Not much suspense or horror. Just feels like a scene in a bigger story.

Congrats on finishing it though.

CUT TOs would have been better as a MONTAGE imho.

Not sure why this needs a flashback as it could have been done with us seeing it chronologicallly.

And Greg gets in the van and drives away - is that it?

There's something in the that reminds me of US... are we supposed to think from the glances in the end that the orther Greg has got in the car?

Not really sure what to make of this one if I'm honest.

I'm confused as well, but you did foreshadow the meeting in the woods. I think that's his future self. If that's what you were going for, it's a great idea but needs to be done a whole lot better.

Using Paula as the POV character for so long is a mistake. The story isn't about her at all, it's about Greg. You should stay on him, go through the encounter, and leave us feeling what he feels while he's driving away and Paula's wondering what happened. Everything that we see with Paula is exactly what we would expect, there's no need to show any of it. That's not suspense.

The woods encounter is VERY good. It creeped me out. It deserves more around it.

Good job, you can definitely fix this up and expand on it. And if it were me, Greg wouldn't be silently driving, he would be babbling like a fucking idiot. And if I'm right and that is his future, he should be wondering how the hell he ends up like that.

Good effort, it could be something.

Hey writer

I'll agree with others - no need to flashback, and the CUT TO will be better as a montage.

There's also no horror here, the suspense in the woods is light IMHO - there's no build up to it really, I don't know whats out there so I don't feel any danger for him, could just be a deer for all I know. He is obviously fine as he gets in the van and drives off BEFORE I see this scene - Needs improving.

No interaction with himself? what was the point?

Sorry - didn't work at all

Another entry with a tiny amount on the last page - It really bothers me, find stuff to cut.

Congrats on entering

Matt

I dunno.  This started out nice enough, but it doesn't have much gas in the tank.

Not exactly sure what this is missing, but definitely missing something.

Maybe just go ahead and select a specific song that would give this encounter more meaning?

I know that my entry leaves a lot unexplained, but this one has to take the cake.

It started out well enough when they were talking about seeing their other selves, the reader HAS to know where this entry is going. It goes there, but barely. It had a Jordan Peele's "US" feel, but this leaves so much out. It's 5 pages, you have so much room to explore more and create more suspense.

A good ending might be having them drive off and in the headlights they see her double and he unlocks the doors or something. 5 pages is too short for something as "out there" as this.

Why did Greg walk into the thick woods? Greg is a guy. Paula is lucky Greg didn't just take a whiz out of the van door. Now, if he saw something in the woods, this would be a good reason to go into those woods. This is a good little script which raised the questions about what happened to Greg and what's going to happen to Paula. Not answering those questions is a legitimate choice on the writer's part, but it left me wanting more of the story.

You telegraph what is going to happen on the first page so there’s no surprises. The writing here is okay, easy to follow and lean but the dopplgeganger has been used in countless scripts and stories, I’d suggest trying to think of a new spin.

As it is, there was no need to cut back to Greg in the woods, pretty much everyone reading it knows it isn’t the original Greg that is in the van.

Well done for entering though, it does tick all the OWC criteria.

-Mark

THE ENCOUNTER

The writing seems rushed in this. It doesn't have the flow of a polished draft

You tell us the interior of the van is decorated and then go on to describe it as such. Why not just do the latter?

Code Paula climbs onto Greg, begins to remove his shirt, when he stops her.

Here's another example. How does she begin to remove his shirt? Describe what is happening visually. Perhaps she undoes the top three buttons?

Code PAULA (cont’d) There you are. What were you doing, passing a kidney stone?

These guys are in their 20s. They shouldn't even know kidney stones exist.

Code Silence. Then, Greg starts the van. He begins to drive.

begins to... stop it. It's not good writing.


I found the end disappointing.

The (cont'd) doesn't work (and is generally unnecessary) when such a time span occurs between dialog on page two. Same for all the transitions. Stop it.

Okay, WTF! Did you run out of time? I was on your hook and then you just ended it. You've got something here, now just finish it. Grrrr.

Quoted Text Paula climbs onto Greg, begins to remove his shirt, when he stops her.                              GREG (cont�d)                   Wait. I have to pee.

It's a little on-the-nose writer.

                              GREG
                    Be back.  Going to make my bladder gladder.

Going to water the snakes.  Or Bleed the lizard! Or drain the main vein haha.  Or something like these would be better.  JMHO.

Ok, Writer.  I will not mirror what my esteemed colleagues have said, they pretty much covered it.  My one note is this... with the premature reveal, you need to sell it a little more. You were very mechanical about it and you weren't really teasing it out or playing with me at all here.  So, the reveal at the end didn't come as a surprise.  In fact, it left me unsatisfied.  I think you have room to create a little bit more of a moment than you did.

Nice effort though.-Andrea

Hmm, it seems to me that you ran out of time with this one.

Solid start, you have my attention. Though, it's odd that someone would put a lit joint in an ashtray. That doesn't happen. Lol. Still, you got my attention right out of the gate.

This gets messier the farther along I read. Way to many useless transitions. I'd lose them in the rewrite.

So it's a doppleganger story. I guess the brief mention of the guy who looks just like Greg is you set up, but it didn't really feel earned to me. Also don't like how it's revealed through a flashblack. At just five pages, the flashback makes this read clunky.

No real suspense, which is a shame cuz there is definitely potential for it at the end. I'd consider rewriting this one and really flesh it out. Good luck with this, Dude.