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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April, 2019 One Week Challenge  ›  The Stowaway - OWC Moderators: Zack
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  Author    The Stowaway - OWC  (currently 2753 views)
Don
Posted: April 19th, 2019, 8:49pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Stowaway by Nacho Poncharelo - Short, Horror - Making a routine delivery across the Mexican border, a loudmouthed trucker discovers something terrifying has hitched along for the ride. 12 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 2:08am Report to Moderator
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First one I've read and if this is what the rest of like, I'm in trouble! That was ace. Ticked all the OWC boxes, was a fun read, easy to follow and every time I though I knew what was going to happen next, you upped the game.

Excellent effort!

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Warren
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 2:52am Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

I'm slightly less enthusiastic about this one. Things I think you did really well: the writing is excellent, no doubt about that, one of the better writers on SS, that is clear. You build suspense very well too.

But in terms of the challenge, I found that up to page 8 this was straight out comedy. And even past page 8 I felt the horror was very light on. Yes you have a strong final image, but I'm not convinced that's enough to actually pull the entire script into the horror genre.

Regardless, this will end up closer to the top of the pile than the bottom.

All the best.



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LC
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 8:56am Report to Moderator
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Ooh, a certain Breaking Bad vibe to the beginning of this with the Nacho delivery truck driver. Ha! Might just be me.

You've a good set of writing chops on you, that much is for sure.

I'd like to suggest with all due respect though, that you tone down the 'smart arse' writer intervention descriptions and asides just a bit. I'm all for a few but there's just a touch too many taking me out of the story.

Big bulbous ass. to describe the spider?   A big-ass spider, I'd buy. Still this is all a bit over the top.

I didn't notice any glaring typos except this one:
taught webbing top of page 9.
Should be 'taut'.

There's lots of suspense, lots of arachnid horror and like I said you write very well and choreographed all the action with spectacular skill, but I wish you'd stopped around p.9. At that point the story started to drag a bit for me and be a little repetitive, and I started skimming.

Loved the cat and mouse stuff in the beginning before things reached gargantuan mutant proportions.

The EPA mention suggests this as part of a bigger story.
Perhaps you should turn this into a feature length  It's been quite some time since Jeff Daniels and John Goodman graced our screens in Arachnophobia.


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ericdickson
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 9:39am Report to Moderator
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I had a fun time with this one.  You made the most out of what is a painfully simple concept that could've easily not worked.  A spider loose on an eighteen wheeler.   After the first couple of pages I didn't think this had enough meat to it to sustain the kind of suspense needed to justify the running time.  But you upped the ante and kept the spider a menacing presence throughout.  

It was actually reminiscent of The Twilight Zone or Tales from the Crypt - both of which used dark humor to cut the tension.  So I hope you don't get too beat up over your use of comedy.  This is a classic example of blending horror and comedy and making it work.      
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ChrisV
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 10:08am Report to Moderator
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Fun Read...GREAT JOB!!!!

Makes mine look like an 8 year old wrote it!  


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Dreamscale
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 11:24am Report to Moderator
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I'm relieved to finally read a script that is well written.  GOD...the first 4 were all ZERO's, so I'm happy right now.  Thank you.

BUT, you do have 2 throwaway wrylies on the first page.  That's OK...I'm cool...

Page 2 - You've chosen to write in a "we" mode, we do this, we see that, etc.  Sometimes this can work.  I don't see the need here at all, and your prose is starting to get a little irritating, smartarseyish.

Page 3 - "His his"

"Playboy Monthly" - ?  Is this a new magazine or something?  What happened to good old "Playboy"?

I'm not seeing the horror here at all, as it's written like a comedy, for some reason.

Yeah, this is exactly what I was worried about with the writing here.  Hey, listen, you know how to write for sure and some are going to love this style, but for me, it's irritating, it's over the top, it's too much, it's smartassy, and I'm losing patience...quickly!

Yeah, getting worse.  Descriptions just way over the top - "Red goes al Hicks on their ass." - Again, some may really dig this kinda stuff, but not me.  It's often a fine line, but you've crossed it time and time again.

"Job fucking done." - Oh boy...

Page 10 - "SAME" as your time element?  No...

And we end  with a shout out to what this script is really all about - 8 Legged Freaks, the movie, which has a very similar vibe.

Hey, listen, this is good for what it is...and what you intended it to be.  There is obviously true terror and horror, and suspense, and it's all within or near vehicle(s).

My quips are style choices and that's your choice, so it's all good.  You're a good writer and I'm sure this will place well.  Good job.

***  
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ericdickson
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 12:51pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from ChrisV
Fun Read...GREAT JOB!!!!

Makes mine look like an 8 year old wrote it!  


That's why I never enter these.  I got verbally bitch slapped like a newbie stepchild last time around.  After being around for the better part of 12 years on SS, it was a hard pill to swallow.  

But it was just a case of rushing a first draft and submitting after working on a script all of 3 hours.  The ones that win these things put in the time.      
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Grandma Bear
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 10:05pm Report to Moderator
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Logline has me intrigued. A good sign.

I like the descriptions. Paints very clear pictures.

Don't think we need the "We don't exactly..."

Must be an old radio if he has to spin the dial and manually roll up the window.

Really love the descriptions.

Good action writing.

Not quite sure why some words are in CAPS. Usually that's for special things like sound effects and such. Not just simple he WHACKS himself.

WHITE OUT...

So, we see Red this whole time, but somehow we're supposed to be shocked when he sees himself in the rear view mirror? Either keep his appearance hidden from us or tell us about his changes while we see him.

Finished. I enjoyed this. Well written. In fact I wish I could write this way myself. Story was great, followed the challenge. I would definitely give this one the highest mark whatever that is in this challenge.

Great job!!!



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currentcmine
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 10:36pm Report to Moderator
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Poor Red. Characterization was very humorous and I laughed out loud. Too bad he didn't make it out alive.
But how did these spiders mutate? It's just something that's out there. I guess the page count cramps you, It did me.
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leitskev
Posted: April 21st, 2019, 12:29am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Brilliant writing! Interesting choice to use a completely unsympathetic character. But it still works...because of the brilliant writing. And the repulsive main character allows this to be done with humor, which is a further chance for the writer to showcase his/her talent. I'm guessing "his" for one reason: the use of the word loogie!  Great work. I give it a 10.

This is what spec script writing is supposed to be. The style keeps the reader glued to the page. I'm not trying to pick a fight, but the sooner writers understand this the sooner they'll help themselves. Advocating, or even worse demanding, styles that render scripts more technical and therefore less readable is not really helping new writers. This writer gets it.

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PKCardinal
Posted: April 21st, 2019, 8:50pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, first page: that was fun! Great start.

Onto page 3. Still fun. Not yet what i'd call horror... but, having a good time.

Whacks himself in the face... am I supposed to be laughing here? Because I am!

Page 5... I'm in a freaking adult-themed Pixar short. At least, in my mind!

Page 9... Pixar short over. I miss it! But, now we're finally in a horror script.

Ha! That was fun. Though, I enjoyed the first 8 pages more than the last 4. (Then again, I'm not a horror fan... and this IS a horror challenge.)

This is great. Excellent writing. Fun story. Not a big fan of the ending, but overall I enjoyed the script.

But, just for me... consider calling this an animated short and writing an ending that fits the quirky fun of the first 8 pages. Forget the horror aspect. Give it a fun ending, not a horrific one. It'd be HILARIOUS!


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: April 21st, 2019, 9:00pm Report to Moderator
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I'm probably breaking some Simply Script rule by saying I loved it and thought it was beautifully written.  Don't really have anything to add.  I hope this doesn't sound like lame feedback...-Andrea.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 22nd, 2019, 6:11pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was really well written and was on track to hit the mark... until he kills the first spider.

To that point I'd really enjoyed it and thought the writer had managed to get suspense in with his comedy - good job.

But then the story moves into 8 Legged Freaks/Giant Spider Invasion territory and then it stopped working for me I'm afraid.

And there's no way that he drives Avacados Mexico/Texas and isn't aware that the spider is a Black Widow.

Still liked it overall though.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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IamGlenn
Posted: April 23rd, 2019, 1:11pm Report to Moderator
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:)

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Hi,

This was well written and a pretty cool tale.

I didn't find it scary, however. Maybe people with a proper fear of spiders would. Also, found it to drag for the last few pages. Don't think this one needed to be 12 pages.

All in all, decent read.

Good luck.


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