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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April, 2019 One Week Challenge  ›  Sea-Level Threat - OWC Moderators: Zack
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  Author    Sea-Level Threat - OWC  (currently 469 views)
Don
Posted: April 19th, 2019, 8:50pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Sea-Level Threat by Terrence Parker - Short, Horror, Suspense - Two Navy seals trapped in a neutralized submarine at the bottom of the ocean must work together to reunite with the rest of the soldiers. 7 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 7:14am Report to Moderator
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If we are on a submarine, is it really necessary to inform me that every character wears a uniform? Shouldn't that be a given? Anyway, the grammar tone changes fast from active to passive almost immediately and it's not looking good.

Aside from the "main area" should be the mess deck, the author switches to passive tone,
With Cora seemingly losing it, "puts her hands on her face, crying" (a bit overkill in melodrama) Atlas strolls in with his stubble. Okay.Food is running out, officers on board have been stranded.
Wait---it's just them alone? Submarine crashed "at the bottom of the sea"?

Let me repeat that.   It's just them alone.  Submarine crashed "at the bottom of the sea"
Something's not right here. You mean...there's no water on the floors until the big great white with a mind of its own with jaws bigger than itself (wjhat is this? The "Meg"?) decides to barge in. The submarine is at the bottom of the sea, but there's no urgency of causalities, no air running out, no urgency or concern. Nothing. Until the food mishap, even Cora's calm. Note that even though crashed, nobody has a problem with balance as the submarine isn't even partially askew.  And how far down are they? Does it really take a hungry shark to get them to act? I mean, the way it's written, you would think it's the bottom of a lake.

Cora burned her hand, later it gets cut. Worst of luck.
Whiny and frail. Paper-thin skin, cliched and hard to believe.

If it wasn't for that cheap reveal, even though voice switches and the characters don't sound too authentic, I was willing to check my brain at the door. There's just so much more you could have added to up the stakes and even get it more visually appealing. Instead, you cop-out.








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Dreamscale
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 9:36am Report to Moderator
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Well, sadly, I know from the title page and the very beginning of the script that this is either from an inexperienced writer, or it's an experienced writer taking a big olf hairy piss, as the writing is just plain terrible right out of the gate.

"SUBMARINE BEDROOM" - Well, here's something I've never come across before.  Talk about a unique Slug...but let's also understand this is a Slug one never wants to see again.

And we have a 5 line passage that tells us almost nothing.

Slugs are all very poor, sorry to say.

Oh boy, now we've got past tense writing going on.

Wrylie attack!

I'm just going to try and finish.  No more writing notes.

I read the whole thing, and WOW is really all I can come up with.

Story is a complete ripoff of 100's of giant shark movies and  The Meg.  Characters are unrealistic.  Action is beyond unbelievable.  Slugs and writing some of the very worst I've ever seen.  And finally, you end it with "this was all a dream".

Not good, sorry to say.

*


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JEStaats
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
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Um, new writer, perhaps? If so, kudos to you for entering the OWC! You've fallen into many traps of the new writer but don't fret. The reviews may seem brutal but they're all full of constructive criticism and should be read with an open mind.

Simply Scripts has many threads on the discussion board/forum that will help this entry immensely. Sift through the site and learn.

Your story is very classic and played out: It's all a dream needs a new twist.

Way too many wrylies (parentheticals): learn to write emotion in your action unless absolutely necessary (see Dave's best practice thread).

Your slugs (scene description) are poor. Your first slug could tell us what class submarine and then, since they're always in the sub, just do a location slug (e.g. Galley, Observation Deck, Officers Quarters, etc.).

Congrats on getting this written and submitted. Keep writing and learning!
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Britman
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 8:31pm Report to Moderator
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Is the position of the text on the title page purposefully lower, like a sinking submarine perhaps? Hmm.

Looks like your line spacing is also off.

Your descriptions lack any good sort of visuals.

Way too many wrylies as others have mentioned.

As others have said, looks like you're fairly new to the craft. No worries, just keep on reading lots of scripts and keep at it!


Producer/Director of The Dollmaker by Matias Caruso
Producer/Director of So Dark (the series) by James Williams
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currentcmine
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 10:51pm Report to Moderator
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Perspective without distortion.

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This may be the only submarine as a vehicle in this OWC. That's a plus. Maybe you could say more about how they got into trouble - exposition dialogue. Must be one hungry shark to eat a submarine.
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eldave1
Posted: April 21st, 2019, 11:36am Report to Moderator
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Congrats on the inventiveness of using a submarine - I like that. For me, I've seen this tale before in different forms and nothing new was brought to the table.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Warren
Posted: April 21st, 2019, 7:05pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

I'm no expert but wouldn't the pressure kill them almost instantly if they swam out of the sub?

Oh no, the old 'it was all a dream' thing.

So I can see an attempt at horror and suspense was made, also I think a sub is a pretty good vehicle choice, however this isn't really a new story by any stretch of the imagination.

Your writing needs some work, but I think that's potentially because you're new. I'd recommend reading a lot of scripts and seeing how it's done. Congrats on entering.

All the best.


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PKCardinal
Posted: April 21st, 2019, 9:02pm Report to Moderator
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Don't have anything to add... just to say, if you're a new writer, welcome to the fold. Keep studying and writing. You'll improve quickly.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 22nd, 2019, 5:49pm Report to Moderator
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I'm guessing this is an inexperienced writer from the lapses into passive writing, don't worry you'll learn.

Okay this potentially smacks of a young wirter too due to the paint by numbers nature of the script and relative naivety of the concept and the odd tagged on ending.

As already pointed out, this is a scene from Meg, 20,000 Leagues under the Sea and a whole host of similar movie... but at least you got in with a different vehicle - so goo d job on that.

Read more scripts on here and you'll soon start to develop.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 23rd, 2019, 5:29am Report to Moderator
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Not sure if this is a new’ish writer or if English is not their first language but it makes this difficult to read. I’ll highlight the first action block as an example and then move onto the story as a whole.  

“CORA, a woman wearing a Navy uniform, wakes up in a messy cot. She looks around a bit, and then takes a deep breath as she stands up from it.”

To make this simpler and easier to read, try something like, “A navy officer, CORA, rises from her messy cot.”

As for the story, people being attacked by a shark is classic horror and there was suspenseful moments. The ending goes bonkers for me, with the squid protecting the woman and you suggesting this was Atlas or something? Or was it all a dream? I don’t know, it’s quite strange, but good job on entering.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: April 23rd, 2019, 7:40am Report to Moderator
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Hello new writer.

Going outside of the box and using a submarine - Well done on that. The vehicle also plays a part and is not a mere prop, so kudos for that as well. It's a good choice as this location immediately presents us with potential problems and horror elements - claustrophobia, cleithrophobia, etc.

Sharks as you probably know are overdone - don't be afraid to try new things - the oceans are full of interesting, wacky and terrifying creatures - a lot of creatures from the deep yet to be discovered - play around with it a bit more.

The octopus comes out of the left field and appears as 'convenient'.

Ah, ok - you match the octopus imagery with the photograph - her subconscious used an octopus to save her because Atlas is holding one in the picture, Atlas being her safety blanket.

As you have been told - The "It was a dream" is very groan worthy. again, play around with endings, hint at what is expected and then go the other way.

You are new, so the writing itself needs work. Read, study, get involved in this place and you will learn a lot, trust me.

Well done for completing the challenge

Matt


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bert
Posted: April 23rd, 2019, 12:01pm Report to Moderator
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Oh man, that ending!  You'll take some heat for that.

One of my bigger peeves, however, is research.  If you are writing about something that is unfamiliar to you, it is so easy to simply Google a few details.  I don't know squat about submarines, but I know enough to discern that you don't either.

"Submarine Bedroom" sounds like a Jefferson Airplane album.

Google images for "submarine floorplan" (or something) -- then take your story and overlay it onto the templates you find. It is sure to improve the telling if you are considering a rewrite.


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Dreamscale
Posted: April 23rd, 2019, 12:29pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert
Oh man, that ending!  You'll take some heat for that.

One of my bigger peeves, however, is research.  If you are writing about something that is unfamiliar to you, it is so easy to simply Google a few details.  I don't know squat about submarines, but I know enough to discern that you don't either.

"Submarine Bedroom" sounds like a Jefferson Airplane album.

Google images for "submarine floorplan" (or something) -- then take your story and overlay it onto the templates you find. It is sure to improve the telling if you are considering a rewrite.


Fantastic advice and something I strongly adhere to.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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TheUsualSuspect
Posted: April 23rd, 2019, 12:59pm Report to Moderator
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Do people sleep in their uniforms? I would imagine no.

The slug descriptions seem VERY generic. Submarine hallway, bedroom, main area, etc. I think you should learn some info on your location before righting something.

Hated the ending. Cop-out in my opinion.

A think a ghost story on a sub would be more interesting than a shark. Something on the INSIDE in the dark.


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