The Libertine by Poe Lovecraft - Short, Horror - After purchasing some slaves, sailors begin disappearing on the journey home. Is it just plain, bad luck or is there something evil aboard? 8 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

First one I read and I like it.

Very well written, shows the writer has talent. Visually striking imagery with his evil grin which becomes a red herring of sorts.

The horror was decent, would have liked a bit more from that department. The suspense was a little lacking for me though.

A solid effort though.

Interesting. This must be the third script to my knowledge in the OWC that give Lovecraft easter eggs. It's also the second script in the OWC with a Lovercraft reference which has a character whose dialog is phonetically correct. I've never been a big fan of that, it's intentionally misspelling, and sometimes it could get distracting. Maybe even annoying. Looking at you Jerimiah.

Other than that minor pet peeve, we end in "OUT".  That's a minor thing still, it's just that I never seen "OUT" at the end of a script. Not without a FADE anyway.

Rest of the script is decent, This may be on my shortlist later on. I got to checkout the rest.
Nice job.

Excellent story. A sort of fantasy reinterpretation of AMISTAD.
But only one thing makes it flawed: They are speaking to and asking the slaves questions in English. Yet seem surprised when they respond back in English. In truth, slaves were gathered from various regions in Africa, all with different languages that few if any slaves understood beyond their own. And they certainly didn't understand English. You would have served this issue better by having an interpreter on board.
Otherwise this was a unique cultural story that still resonates today with America’s brutal history of slavery and the legacy that infects society today.

-IN & Out, I hope that's a flash in the pan.

Truth be told; methinks this parenthetical (shouts against howl of the wind) should be in A/D.

You could punch up the suspense.  You made very good use of the vehicle.

Other than that, I liked it, didn't love it, it's solid and visual and interesting and certainly easy to read.  Not bad at all. -Andrea

Top notch for me. Nothing to really add other than I would consider moving all the dialogue between the son and Jeremiah to between Christian and Jeremiah.

For example - the father is surprised that he speaks English (lived that exchange) - but the son was not????  

Great work here. Really liked it.

Hmmm, what's with the "IN:" to start?  Is this an effort to push the point, and not go along with norms?  I hope not, or it will be a long read for me.

Good job first identifying the name of the ship and then using it as your Slug!

So far, dialogue is good!

"captives" should be CAPPED.

Wrylies are going overboard.  Just not necessary the way you're continually using them.

And we end with a strange "OUT.".  Hmmm

Well, this is very impressive, IMO.  Well written, well conceived, realistic dialogue, and quite a scary premise.

For me, there are too many wrylies being used because the writer is in love with wrylies.  Most won't care and some will praise their use.  I'm not a fan, but the rest is strong enough to make this a mute point.

Although I'd say it definitely meets the challenge, for me, the outright horror and suspense is lacking throughout...and I'm not really sure why that is.

Maybe it needs an extra few pages to flesh things out early on.  For me, it jumps right into things too quickly...or maybe things all happen too quickly near the end.

Anyway you look at it, it's solid and a contender for sure.  Nice job.

****

There are multiple characters here occupying a small space, in this case the slave ship.  It was a bit discouraging, going back to see which one was Brad, Christian, Hugh, and so forth.  And then Brad going below deck and somehow ending up in the ocean.  

What the heck is going on here?!  Could it be sorcery?  

And the Yes, suh, no suh talk seemed a bit much.  Sounds like they just came from the plantation.    

I get that the girl was a witch but there was never any real story to invest in here or any satisfying payoff.  

All style and light on substance for me.    

Hi writer,

So they are in the middle of a horrendous storm where they need all hands on deck but they keep getting caught up and delving into conversations about how well they speak English, does this really matter? Especially now?

Why was she a witch? How did anyone know she was a witch? It all feels very coincidental to the story.

The writing is excellent, you paint a great picture, but the story is lacking in my opinion. You still had 4 pages to give it some depth and reason. It seems like a wasted opportunity.

I don't think the quality of the writing makes up for the lack of story.

All the best.

Mixed bag for me.

Loved the vehicle choice.

The witch thing felt like it came out of nowhere. "She's a witch." I feel like we should have seen her do something to indicate why they targeted her. To that point, it could have been anyone.

And, the smiles were too much for me. Jeremiah was all smiles and "suhs." I would have liked more dimension for this character.

Some really nice writing... though there are spots where you tell us things we can't see. And, it's borderline novel writing near the beginning.

Still, well done. Better than most I've read so far.

I agree with a lot of what’s being said about the witch aspect being a little undercooked. You could’ve used the weather to play with the audience. (“Is she, isn’t she a witch?”) Also, there had to have been chickens on board that ship. Chickens and witches are a classic pairing. That also could’ve been used to introduce some indication that witchy things were afoot.

The rest was pretty decent. The ‘horror’ part was there because you included a witch, but it wasn’t very suspenseful or scary. Then again, who’s really able to master that these days?

The use of the vehicle was different and original.

Muskets probably are too big to fit in a waistband. Probably should be changed to “pistol”.

Overall, good job. Congrats for having more writing to your name!

Strange use of "IN" for the opening. Never seen that before.

Loved The Terror, so let's see if we have zombie bears, giant squids or something else..

Okay, witches.

While I like the idea of a witch on a boat, I feel like it was underutilized here. Also too much dialogue in the first few pages eating up time that could be spent building suspense. I love the setting, the boat, the storm, just wanted more horror here.

Well written and great premise. Wouldn't mind seeing this fleshed out more into a longer piece.

IN?

Intentional 'rule' break? Wonder if it'll catch on

This is well written and relatively well paced but some of the dialogue feels off and seems tainted with a more modern 'hope' that slave traders were sometimes nice...

E.g.
Ah, they charge more because you
speak English. Makes sense. Then I
owe you a thank you.

That just feels wrong.

Also... this is a slave ship, there's no way ther'd have so few people on board - it just wasn't profitable enough for them. They usually carried between 200 and 600 people.

Might also feel more authentic if Jeremiah accused her of being a Sangoma or Hoodoo Priest and then explain it's like a witch.

Decent effort.

That was good. Great writing, you really put me on board that ship in the storm and in that era as well. That takes skill. You kept me guessing as to who the real witch was.

The ending is a bit flat, the witch kills them all is classic horror but I think you can do better. Have a think and see if there’s something more you can do with this. The first one or two ideas are usually cliché, go for the third of fourth idea.  

She’s also screwed herself over as she’s now on a ship in the middle of the sea in a storm with no crew.  

Still, this scores highly for me from a writing persepctive, the story just needs more work. Well done writer.

-Mark

Great story with a pretty authentic feel.

Great writing, except for I hate when I have to stop and look-up words.  

The suspense could be kicked up a notch IMO. Things happened too quickly for it to really feel suspenseful.

Not much more to add really. It's solid. Second best I've read so far. You should enter more often...