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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April, 2019 One Week Challenge  ›  Beyond the Sea - OWC Moderators: Zack
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  Author    Beyond the Sea - OWC  (currently 521 views)
Don
Posted: April 19th, 2019, 8:56pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Beyond the Sea by Delta Weanmyth - Short, Horror - Howard ventures out to sea to look for his sister after he discovers a survivor from her boat's wreckage. What he finds out there is something far worse… 11 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Zack
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 9:49am Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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This is the first one I opened. Always like horror at sea.

Solid writing, no problems following along. Dialog is pretty good for the most part, although Richard's first line was a little awkward.

Some pretty cool images with the transformations, but as soon as you revealed that Francis was bit I knew where this was heading.

I think you could have milked some more suspense out of the sequence where Howard climbs up the mast. Maybe some of the creatures start to climb up after him?

I like this one all the way up until the end, but the reveal of the big monster thing kinda takes the wind out of the sails for me. I think it'd be way creepier if it ended with Howard floating in the water while the rescue boat approaches in the distance.

Not bad at all though. Good start to the challenge.



Revision History (1 edits)
Zack  -  April 20th, 2019, 12:18pm
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JEStaats
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 3:42pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this. I'm a sucker for seafaring tales and sirens. The ultimate sea creature was a bit hard for me to picture but everything else was described nicely.

Mr. should be spelled out as Mister and it might help to say the he was from Maine or Mass, depending on what you intended for the written dialog. At first I thought it was just bad spelling until I realized you were going for an accent or dialect.

The ending was kind of confusing on the rescue boat as they had gills but were out of water. Maybe I missed something?

Good job, writer.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
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And here we have another entry at sea, the third with a Lovecraft nod, although this is more direct. That's not a bad thing, but I'm starting to wonder if the peeps are on some Lovecraft vibe. It's also the second Lovecraft themed story at sea which features a character who tests my patience due to "phonetic dialog" where words are intentionally misspelled because the writer wants the character speaking a certain way. Mr Phillips is the offender here, and it's overkill. What's that reality series? Swamp People? That's how I think Mr Phillips is sounding like.

About the Lovecraft thing. What are the odds that two characters have the names "Howard" and "Phillips" on a boat named Lovecraft. They happen to run into a ghost ship named Dunwich.

At least you deliver the goods. Script really kicks in when Emma is found. Sea creatures, mermaids, now we are talking! What started out as something I was losing intrest in, suddenly does a 180 and turns it around for the better.

Nice job overall


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Dreamscale
Posted: April 21st, 2019, 2:03pm Report to Moderator
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Do we have a Lovecratian take here?

The dialogue from Mr. Phillips is OK, but I bet some will HATE it.  I appreciate the attempt.

Whenever you have a peson's name in dialogue, it needs to be set off with a comma(s).

Page 3 - my main gripe so far is not knowing where in the Hell we're supposed to be.  Why does Mr Phillips sound so different from everyone else here?

The Dunwich - HA!  Lovecraftian, indeed!

Page 5 - "in" - "is"

"FISHING BOAT" - Slug should be the name of the boat.

Page 6 - "the spider" - What spider?  Did I miss something?

Page 7 - "UNDERWATER" - No, need a much better Slug here.

Things are heading downhill fast, here.  Too wacky and redonkulous for me.  Just too much going on with absolutely no explanation as to why.

Writing is OK, but dull, and not as visual as it appears to be.  You describe some things in great detail, while others, like setting your scenes are overlooked.

You met the challenge and overall, this is not a bad effort.

***


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Warren
Posted: April 21st, 2019, 8:56pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,


Quoted Text
RICHARD
R'lyeh. The ancient one will be
pleased with you as a sacrifice.


What???

This script suffers from the same issues as a few I've read now, going back to this...


Quoted Text
FRANCIS
She’s infected. She’s one of them.


What infection? What caused it, why now, who is the ancient one? What is going on???

I'll say it again, and maybe I should prefix this with, I believe. I believe that stories need a purpose, a reason for happening. Stuff that just happens because doesn't hold my interest because I get caught up trying to make heads or tails of what is going on and why.

Sure it's quite well written, lots of horror, and some good suspense, but the story just doesn't do it for me. I'm left with too many questions that will never be answered. I'll add that of course a story can be left ambiguous and with some questions unanswered, that can actually enhance the story sometimes, but here I have no understanding as to why any of it occurred.

All the best.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 22nd, 2019, 4:34pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, so the sort of sub-genre is telegraphed in the second para with the boat being called The Lovecraft and then confirmed later on with Dunwich... not sure this is the best choice as it seems a little jokey and not sure you were going for this?

Mr Phillips and his accent, everyone seems to have a different take on him, I thought he was Irish?

"That’s not good." - Great understatement, made me chuckle.

Warren - story somewhat assume you know a bit of Lovecrafts work... R'lyeh is a sunken city if memory serves for example.

I think this reads well, dare I say it Lovecraftian but it's a pretty specific sub-genre and I couldn;t quite work out if you were paying homage or parodying?

Liked it though.


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eldave1
Posted: April 22nd, 2019, 4:41pm Report to Moderator
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Generally solid writing and met the challenge.  I do think it is missing some back story  . E.g why was Emma out there? What was the purpose of the journey? etc.


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Warren
Posted: April 22nd, 2019, 7:42pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AnthonyCawood


Warren - story somewhat assume you know a bit of Lovecrafts work... R'lyeh is a sunken city if memory serves for example.




I don't, so I feel my point is even more valid. I think some more explanation as to why things are happening would help people like me, unless of course the writer is only targeting a very particular audience, which is also fine, but makes it hard to get votes from someone like me in an OWC  


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Dreamscale
Posted: April 22nd, 2019, 8:00pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from Warren
I don't, so I feel my point is even more valid. I think some more explanation as to why things are happening would help people like me, unless of course the writer is only targeting a very particular audience, which is also fine, but makes it hard to get votes from someone like me in an OWC  


You don't need to be spoon fed, Warren.  Not everything has to be explained, especially in a short.

You either go with it, or you don't, I guess.


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Warren
Posted: April 22nd, 2019, 8:05pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale


You don't need to be spoon fed, Warren.  Not everything has to be explained, especially in a short.

You either go with it, or you don't, I guess.


I don't.



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Dreamscale
Posted: April 22nd, 2019, 8:17pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from Warren


I don't.



I see that.



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ReneC
Posted: April 22nd, 2019, 9:15pm Report to Moderator
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This is a solid entry. The writing is quite good overall, though it does suffer from some typos and that awful phonetic dialogue. Leave it for the actors.

I think you nailed the Lovecraft vibe. The tone is spot on, and so are the visuals. You can go further with the tentacles. I found the scale was a little lacking when you introduce them. And you can really give that eye scale, it should be bigger than the boat. Much bigger.

The ending is a little weak, only because of the time delay. All the tension of the last scene is gone when he wakes up. I do like the rest though, the reveal of the sacrifice and his bowing in the face of something so unfathomably monstrous he can't help it.

You could have skipped the direct references. It would have been better if you had. Those who know Lovecraft would get it, those who don't would appreciate it (or not) based on its own merit.

I did find the beginning a little clunky, but the tension began immediately and I was drawn in despite it. There are a couple of lines that also confounded me ("Immediate rejection hits him?" Should that be recognition?) and repetition isn't always a good thing (Howard says hell back to back in dialogue), but those are minor things.

Overall, one of my faves so far. Nicely done.


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Spqr
Posted: April 23rd, 2019, 3:12pm Report to Moderator
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Very nice. But naming the boats The Lovecraft and The Dunwich is a sure giveaway as to what your intentions are.  Let the writing speak for itself.
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Dustin
Posted: April 23rd, 2019, 5:34pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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BEYOND THE SEA

I've found most of the description lacking in flow up till now.

Code

Howard stands back up and tucks the pistol into his pants. He looks back out to the sea. 



The above is overwritten.

Howard stands, tucks the pistol into his pants, and looks out to sea.

OK. So due to some 'Eye' monster in the lake, everyone in contact with it are becoming infected and turning into killer fish creatures (Deep Ones?). It's very Lovecraftian because it is Lovecraftian. Not saying you stole it, but you matched the tone and managed to re-tell one of his stories by tweaking a few things here and there. It's good. I enjoyed it. Nothing wrong with adapting, modernising, sampling, or whatever you want to call it, so long as you put an original spin on it and you have. The writing needs a good edit and a bit of extra sparkle added, but for a week's work, this is forgivable.

One of the better scripts. In third place on my list. Nice job.


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