Quoted from Matthew Taylor But the error was in dialogue - I hear people say "should of" all the time, it's irritating, but they do it.

I hear people say should've, which sounds like should-of. I understand that in their minds they see it as should of, but still, they're saying should've. I find the people that say it as two words with a heavy 'O' sound are not usually very bright. The kinda people you find on Kyle after being caught shagging their girlfriend's gran - who used to be a man.

This guy's a detective. I doubt he'd be so ignorant. But, OK, it's a fair point on it being in dialogue.

I liked the idea here and writing was good for the most part.

I found the choice of some words confusing however.

As others have said, should just be INT for the first slug. Then I was a little confused in how she opened the front door from the living room. I would've perhaps transitioned to the foyer here. I got a little confused who the detective was referring to. Long dead Christmas tree (tall?), sweeps present to floor, pile of empty bottles (wine bottles, milk bottles?), car sits alone.. You get the picture.

Also I didn't get much suspense or horror from it.

Saying that, I liked the overall story but got a little confused with the ending. Another draft and this would be a decent little script.

So, it's a mix of things that work and things that don't for me.  What we see happening is mostly clear enough, but what's going on is not so clear until I read it again.  JMHO, it's all mere Child's Play.  I'll say this, it is interesting in a sense...

What you(we) need to understand is that the audience/reader likes to do a little work. Not necessarily a lot of work, but a little work. They like to think that they've done some digging, that a scene is a puzzle and that they have to work, just a little, to figure out what's going on.  That everything isn't simply being handed to them.

Billy Wilder once said something like, "If you let the audience add two and two and make four, they will love you."  It's a similar principle.  You've got to let them work a bit to figure out what the scene is about. When you just hand it to them, it tends not to be interesting.

So kudos for that, but this overall was just okay for me.  

Ghostie

Poignant ghost story. The toy car is stretching it, though. There wasn't much suspense or horror in this piece, but it got spooky at the end, so that was pretty good. It was short, but it told a good, complete story, and I appreciated it.

This one has a ton of potential. I actually really like the story for the most part. Pretty creepy.

The writing is a bit messy. Not a fan of how you write your slugs. I had to go back and reread them a couple of times. Maybe it was just me, though. Action descriptions were pretty good.

I don't like where this ended. It was just getting suspenseful. Keep it going.

I like this one. With a good rewrite, this could be special.

I like this one. It's dark, really dark. Interesting choice for the vehicle. The tone is excellent, after the first couple of pages. Great suspense. Really well done.

The opening page is uneven, it took a bit to figure out what I was seeing. It could use a rewrite for clarity and to better hook us.

A sense of when this is would help a bit. Certainly long past Christmas, but how long? It's not necessary for the story, it would just settle that question to keep it from interfering.

Why does she rewrap the present? It's an odd reaction. You don't need to show what's in the present. Does she do this frequently? It sticks out.

Everything with the car works. I do find it hard to believe a section of the basement could be walled up and she wouldn't know. Nooks and corners and crawlspaces are ever present, if one suddenly vanished it would be noticed.

The one big failing here for me is not opening the trunk. Show us the body, or at least make her see it. Let her react to that. The VO is a nice touch. But why do the other car lights turn on? Is that supposed to be them playing? I don't know the rules, it takes me out of the story.

Great job overall.

This was my favorite, although it needs a little work.  The tone is well done and it achieves what the writer was after.

I did not write it, though I wish I did.  

Quoted from Dreamscale This was my favorite, although it needs a little work.  The tone is well done and it achieves what the writer was after. I did not write it, though I wish I did.

Thanks! I appreciate the notes and the feedback.

FYI, I sent a PM with a follow-up question.

I will be doing a moderate rewrite on this script.

Quoted from Dreamscale This was my favorite, although it needs a little work.  The tone is well done and it achieves what the writer was after. I did not write it, though I wish I did.

This one of the the three I rated highest. It's also one of the easiest to film. And it should be.

Quoted from ReneC This one of the the three I rated highest. It's also one of the easiest to film. And it should be.

Thanks, Rene. Means a lot coming from you!

Oops, did saying "means a lot coming from you" right after also thanking Dreamscale sound like a slam on Dreamscale? 'Cause I definitely didn't mean it that way!!!

Quoted from PKCardinal Oops, did saying "means a lot coming from you" right after also thanking Dreamscale sound like a slam on Dreamscale? 'Cause I definitely didn't mean it that way!!!

Not a problem.

Quoted from Dreamscale Not a problem.

Whew, thanks. 'Cause you gave great feedback, and I really appreciate it.

Good job here. One of the more interesting takes on "vehicle".

Some good stuff here. Let me see if I got the story straight.

The child is missing. The husband is in custody but not talking.
The child turns out to be dead and within the chest.
He directs the mother to him with the toys.
Then suggests she kill herself to join him.
So they can play.

Do I have that correct?

I key prop is the knife. Would she pick up a knife just because the toy directed her to the cellar? It almost feels convenient...but maybe it's ok.

Could this be done without Justin's sudden VO? Maybe that's fine. I guess it's the only way. Unless a toy said it.

Well done. Maybe explore some different ways to play with the ending and the mother killing herself to join her son. But well done.