Remote Control by The Dog Down the Street Who Won't Stop Barking, OMG, Shut Up Already - Short, Horror - A mother gets a mysterious visit on her missing son's birthday. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Writer,

(Potential spoilers)

Pretty good. Something about toys coming to life creeps me out and this had that. Was just a little confused as to whether Ashley’s husband was missing as well. Perhaps that was there to throw us off the scent of Ashley. The trunk? The voice? So I’m assuming it was the boys body in there? Several things gave me the idea as to Ashley being the guilty one. First thing I thought was — why is she drinking wine when her son is missing? But she was clearly pounding it, not nursing it. Then, the scene where she stared at her wrists.

I’m pretty sure that’s what you were going for.

Anyway, the reveal could have been better defined — we should have gotten visual information as to what was in that trunk as opposed to just a voice. Overall, pretty good, but an extra page or two might have helped.

Steve

This was dark as hell.   A couple of neat surprises in here.  But again, it's another example of this months OWC scripts not developing a good idea to its fullest potential.  Instead of five pages, make it ten and make us work for the big reveal in the basement.  When a short is this darn short, it's hard to build the necessary tension.    

After she smashes the picture and rips her husband's photo to shreds, I got the idea he was a possible suspect in the disappearance of their son.  After re reading the opening dialogue, I see that the cops are also looking at him.  I think this could've been played up a bit more for tension.  But I see what you did there.  You kept it vague.  Like we're only getting a glimpse of the ongoing mystery.    

But are we to believe that she killed her son and stuffed him in the chest?   When she threatens to slit her wrist with the knife, I feel this could go one of two ways.  She's guilty or she's afraid to open the chest and face the hard truth.  

It's a "did she or didn't she?"  Because of a cool ending, I'd say job well done.      
  

Quoted Text He’s just not saying anything.

Detective Roberts line is puzzling. We never know who he's referring to. There's a hint of a missing (possibly dead) child, but it's vague.  The event that follows seems inventive at first, but I feel here's a few key things missing. It's that line that bugs me as I go through this a secoind time to see if I missed something.  I didn't.

Is Ashley a bad mother? The attack has no purpose. It also technically does not involve a vehicle. But y'know what would have been really been a neat thing? If the kid's ghost was shrunk down in the driver's seat of the toy car...or playing with the remote control...only instead of a toy car it's HER car. Point is, that there are so many choices, so many options, somany ways this could(should) have been better. I guess if there was more time, you'd have given it more thought and pushed in that extra kick.

Maybe I did miss something. Is Ashley trapped in the house or something?

In my reading of it, the husband is currently in custody and not giving up any info on the son he murdered. "He's not saying anything"  She cuts the husband out of the photo, stabs the picture of him. Why would she do this if she is the guilty one? Doesn't make sense to me as to how the others are reading into this.

She discovers the chest hidden behind the wall because her dead son possessed the car toys, his way of telling her where he is. Since he is a kid, he still wants to play with his mother and tries to convince her to kill herself so they can be together in the afterlife. That's how I read it at least. Everything else (the wine, etc) is just a grieving mother. Maybe I'm missing something as to why everyone else thinks she is guilty.



I agree with the notion that this could be longer, and you went for something different with the "vehicle" here. More suspense with the toy cars would make it work. As of right now, this lacks suspense for me.

Hi writer,

Your first slug, how can it be INT and EXT in a living room? Okay I see you have her opening the front door. I still think this could be written better. Start inside, then when the detective goes outside make it EXT if you like, but still almost not necessary.

I'm not sure why the picture is in all caps.

Quoted Text ASHLEY Justin? Baby?

Why would this be the first thing she assumes it is, seems unlikely.

I'm done and I don't quite get it, you still had so many pages spare to build more of a story.

The ending really had me scratching my head.

Not for me unfortunately.

All the best.

I read this primarily because of the author which amused me a great deal for no particular reason.

This is a great set-up, and I liked it for that. There are many directions you could have taken with this, and even though I wouldn't have gone where you did, I can respect your choices and the weird ambiguity you've injected into this.

That is, you didn't even need the ambiguity and you delivered it anyway, lending the conclusion a totally off-the-wall vibe to call your own. That makes this a good OWC script.  

INT./EXT. as a slug for a scene in a house... I'm all for rule bending but not for no reason, let's assume you were rushing.

Sets the Alarm whilst she's walking round the house, odd alarm.

Hmm, not convinced a toy car classes as a vehicle but what the hey.

Short, effective and dark though I'm not seeing why she killed her son and I'm not really getting any suspense.

But decent effort that just needs a polish (as most do)

Really well written. Crisp and efficient.  An interesting take on the parameters.  Nice job.

I’m not sure if this counts. Is a toy vehicle a vehicle? I’ll throw that aside for the moment.

Nicely written, emotional and powerful. Some tense moments. This was thriller category right until the end and thankfully it turned into horror, certainly no gore!

I’m just not sure what happened at the end. What was the chest? Was the boy in it? Did she kill him or her husband? Is his voice just her guilt or is he a prisoner in the chest? If so, who’s controlling all the cars and how did she forget what happened to the boy?

Questions are good, as is leaving a bit of something to the imagination of the reader but I think this is too vague. As you used less than half the page count I think with an extra page or two this could be really great.

-Mark  

Hello writer

A little confusion from me - Who is the detective referring to in the beginning, and why the husbands birthday line?

I'm reading this as, Dad kills son and hides body, doesn't tell anyone where the body is, spirit son leads mom to the body, she kills herself to be with him.

Dark for sure - The car was more helpful than scary, not sure about the horror front.

Well written, I didn't stumble anywhere and I enjoyed the read.

Well done on completing the challenge.

I am unsure whether to count the RC car as a vehicle for my scoring - I think I will, for inventiveness alone.

Matt

Title Page - Not a fan of the written by stuff.  Just reads goofy, and puts a bad taste in my mouth.

Well, I see we have a shorty here, at 5 pages.  Let's see how it works...

Starting with an INT/EXT for a Living Room, is not a good start at all.

Hmmm, the front door is in the living room?

Page 1 is very vague and nothing more than talking heads, really.  No personality has been created, but I think I get what you're going for.

Twist off cap wine?  YUCK!  Really?

So, let's quickly discuss Mini Slugs - the reason they don't require a time element is because the assumption is that they are continuous scenes...or scenes taking place at the same time as a scene in another room in the structure.  In reality, I don't think this is the case here, but I doubt anyone would notice or bring this up, but me.

The writing on Page 2 is mostly single line passages, and there's nothing wrong with that, but if you look at the lines very closely, you'll see they're missing something..like life.  They're dull.  They are very matter of fact, not at all visual.

End of page 2/top of Page 3 - Here's a perfect example of what I was talking about earlier, in terms of the Mini Slugs - The way you've written this, with the Mini, will play out like this - Ashley grabs the photo, while in the Hallway.  New scene in Kitchen, where she immediately smashes it.  Do you see what I'm getting at?

Where did the scissors come from?  You're omitting lots of stuff.  Time is passing in your scenes that you're not accounting for.

OK, the end.  It's very ambiguous, as to what happened, but sometimes that's a good thing, and I think this is a case where the ambiguity is a positive.

I also think this will be picked up, as it's super cheap and easy to film, and it really packs a punch, too.  It's creepy, it's dark, and most importantly, it's effective.

Does it meet the OWC parameters?  I'd say probably not, or at best, it's a stretch, but I'm going to let it slide, because it's an effective and unique angle you chose.

The writing needs some work, but in such a short, all you really need is the basic idea and someone could go in and shoot this exactly the way they choose, and I think it can really be a strong little film.

It's a good entry. and most importantly, it makes you think...and wonder, and ponder what really went down here.  Nice job.

****

Dialog on the first page really threw me. Quick one liners with curious responses. Perhaps a little set-up to get a better feel for how the conversation is spoken? From then on, I liked where it was going. Psychological suspense and quite mysterious. A lot of distraction and decoy. The father. What's up with the father and what role did he play? I think it's best we don't know.

This is one of my faves, I think. The basement 'discovery' behind the sheetrock doesn't really work since I'm sure she knows what her basement looked like. So she put Justin in the chest and walled it up? Has guilt finally got the best of her?

I don't mind a little mystery and unanswered loose ends. Good job.

REMOTE CONTROL

Code DET. ROBERTS Of course. I’m sorry. I should of -- I saw it in the paper.

Should've. Should have when contracted sounds a little like should of, but is actually should've.
Nice, subtle exposition dump though. All credit for that.

The ending is lost on me which is a shame as I was quite enjoying the story.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Should've. Should have when contracted sounds a little like should of, but is actually should've.

But the error was in dialogue - I hear people say "should of" all the time, it's irritating, but they do it.

Quoted from Matthew Taylor But the error was in dialogue - I hear people say "should of" all the time, it's irritating, but they do it.

I hear people say should've, which sounds like should-of. I understand that in their minds they see it as should of, but still, they're saying should've. I find the people that say it as two words with a heavy 'O' sound are not usually very bright. The kinda people you find on Kyle after being caught shagging their girlfriend's gran - who used to be a man.

This guy's a detective. I doubt he'd be so ignorant. But, OK, it's a fair point on it being in dialogue.

I liked the idea here and writing was good for the most part.

I found the choice of some words confusing however.

As others have said, should just be INT for the first slug. Then I was a little confused in how she opened the front door from the living room. I would've perhaps transitioned to the foyer here. I got a little confused who the detective was referring to. Long dead Christmas tree (tall?), sweeps present to floor, pile of empty bottles (wine bottles, milk bottles?), car sits alone.. You get the picture.

Also I didn't get much suspense or horror from it.

Saying that, I liked the overall story but got a little confused with the ending. Another draft and this would be a decent little script.

So, it's a mix of things that work and things that don't for me.  What we see happening is mostly clear enough, but what's going on is not so clear until I read it again.  JMHO, it's all mere Child's Play.  I'll say this, it is interesting in a sense...

What you(we) need to understand is that the audience/reader likes to do a little work. Not necessarily a lot of work, but a little work. They like to think that they've done some digging, that a scene is a puzzle and that they have to work, just a little, to figure out what's going on.  That everything isn't simply being handed to them.

Billy Wilder once said something like, "If you let the audience add two and two and make four, they will love you."  It's a similar principle.  You've got to let them work a bit to figure out what the scene is about. When you just hand it to them, it tends not to be interesting.

So kudos for that, but this overall was just okay for me.  

Ghostie

Poignant ghost story. The toy car is stretching it, though. There wasn't much suspense or horror in this piece, but it got spooky at the end, so that was pretty good. It was short, but it told a good, complete story, and I appreciated it.

This one has a ton of potential. I actually really like the story for the most part. Pretty creepy.

The writing is a bit messy. Not a fan of how you write your slugs. I had to go back and reread them a couple of times. Maybe it was just me, though. Action descriptions were pretty good.

I don't like where this ended. It was just getting suspenseful. Keep it going.

I like this one. With a good rewrite, this could be special.

I like this one. It's dark, really dark. Interesting choice for the vehicle. The tone is excellent, after the first couple of pages. Great suspense. Really well done.

The opening page is uneven, it took a bit to figure out what I was seeing. It could use a rewrite for clarity and to better hook us.

A sense of when this is would help a bit. Certainly long past Christmas, but how long? It's not necessary for the story, it would just settle that question to keep it from interfering.

Why does she rewrap the present? It's an odd reaction. You don't need to show what's in the present. Does she do this frequently? It sticks out.

Everything with the car works. I do find it hard to believe a section of the basement could be walled up and she wouldn't know. Nooks and corners and crawlspaces are ever present, if one suddenly vanished it would be noticed.

The one big failing here for me is not opening the trunk. Show us the body, or at least make her see it. Let her react to that. The VO is a nice touch. But why do the other car lights turn on? Is that supposed to be them playing? I don't know the rules, it takes me out of the story.

Great job overall.

This was my favorite, although it needs a little work.  The tone is well done and it achieves what the writer was after.

I did not write it, though I wish I did.  

Quoted from Dreamscale This was my favorite, although it needs a little work.  The tone is well done and it achieves what the writer was after. I did not write it, though I wish I did.

Thanks! I appreciate the notes and the feedback.

FYI, I sent a PM with a follow-up question.

I will be doing a moderate rewrite on this script.

Quoted from Dreamscale This was my favorite, although it needs a little work.  The tone is well done and it achieves what the writer was after. I did not write it, though I wish I did.

This one of the the three I rated highest. It's also one of the easiest to film. And it should be.

Quoted from ReneC This one of the the three I rated highest. It's also one of the easiest to film. And it should be.

Thanks, Rene. Means a lot coming from you!

Oops, did saying "means a lot coming from you" right after also thanking Dreamscale sound like a slam on Dreamscale? 'Cause I definitely didn't mean it that way!!!

Quoted from PKCardinal Oops, did saying "means a lot coming from you" right after also thanking Dreamscale sound like a slam on Dreamscale? 'Cause I definitely didn't mean it that way!!!

Not a problem.

Quoted from Dreamscale Not a problem.

Whew, thanks. 'Cause you gave great feedback, and I really appreciate it.

Good job here. One of the more interesting takes on "vehicle".

Some good stuff here. Let me see if I got the story straight.

The child is missing. The husband is in custody but not talking.
The child turns out to be dead and within the chest.
He directs the mother to him with the toys.
Then suggests she kill herself to join him.
So they can play.

Do I have that correct?

I key prop is the knife. Would she pick up a knife just because the toy directed her to the cellar? It almost feels convenient...but maybe it's ok.

Could this be done without Justin's sudden VO? Maybe that's fine. I guess it's the only way. Unless a toy said it.

Well done. Maybe explore some different ways to play with the ending and the mother killing herself to join her son. But well done.

Quoted from leitskev Some good stuff here. Let me see if I got the story straight. The child is missing. The husband is in custody but not talking. The child turns out to be dead and within the chest. He directs the mother to him with the toys. Then suggests she kill herself to join him. So they can play. Do I have that correct? I key prop is the knife. Would she pick up a knife just because the toy directed her to the cellar? It almost feels convenient...but maybe it's ok. Could this be done without Justin's sudden VO? Maybe that's fine. I guess it's the only way. Unless a toy said it. Well done. Maybe explore some different ways to play with the ending and the mother killing herself to join her son. But well done.

Yes, basically, that's what I see it as. (Though, I definitely wanted some abiguity.)

I would say, the boy just wants to play. The mother must decide whether killing herself is the way to do it. But, that's a nit. (And, I DO see the mother killing herself.)

As I said, I did leave it open to another interpretation: the mother hates the father for some unknown reason, and framed him for a murder she committed. But, she can't handle what she did, and is attempting to forget. Unfortunately, she can't handle it, and today is the day she cracks.

I like the first. But, don't mind if others prefer the second.

As for the knife... I agree. But, she IS going into a basement, led by a toy car, controlled by someone or something else. So, I think she'd be just a bit apprehensive, even if she's pretty sure it's her dead son leading her. (But, I might be fooling myself because I need it to be so.)

Thanks for the comments!

Quoted from PKCardinal Yes, basically, that's what I see it as. (Though, I definitely wanted some abiguity.) I would say, the boy just wants to play. The mother must decide whether killing herself is the way to do it. But, that's a nit. (And, I DO see the mother killing herself.) As I said, I did leave it open to another interpretation: the mother hates the father for some unknown reason, and framed him for a murder she committed. But, she can't handle what she did, and is attempting to forget. Unfortunately, she can't handle it, and today is the day she cracks. I like the first. But, don't mind if others prefer the second. As for the knife... I agree. But, she IS going into a basement, led by a toy car, controlled by someone or something else. So, I think she'd be just a bit apprehensive, even if she's pretty sure it's her dead son leading her. (But, I might be fooling myself because I need it to be so.) Thanks for the comments!

Yes, exactly as I saw it...both, or either way, which is a good thing!

I toyed with the idea of the mother being the murderer, but then the toy leading her to the body wouldn't make sense, unless she had repressed the memory. She would know where the body is.

Come to think of it, wouldn't the police have found the chest? If I remember, there was kind of a hidden room.

How could the father construct a hidden room and the mother not know it?

Details to work out I guess.

For those interested... I've completed a rewrite to address many of the notes. I believe the script is stronger as a result... so, thanks to all who helped.

It'll be posting on the site soon under a new title: PLAYING CARS

Basically, I lean into the ambiguity even harder. Trimmed the end scene. Fixed the confusing opening slug. And, yes, addressed the mini-slugs/time issue.

If I did my job correctly, it should now read consistent with either parent being the killer. Up to the audience to decide which is true. (I definitely know what I think. And, I think the script shows it... but, if you disagree... you're welcome to do so!)

Still 5 pages... so, if anybody's looking for a one-day shoot...

Also, latest logline: "A young boy wants to play cars with his mommy. The only problem? He's dead."

Optioned this one yesterday. I'll post any updates here. It's the second time I've optioned it, but the first never went anywhere.

Quoted from PKCardinal Optioned this one yesterday. I'll post any updates here. It's the second time I've optioned it, but the first never went anywhere.

Killing it!