First Responders by George - Short, Horror - Emergency services always answer the call, but they aren't always prepared for what they encounter. 10 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I checked this one out first based on the title.  I loved the opening sequence in the ambulance.  Great use of comic timing with the clumsy zombie getting knocked back and forth.  This was reminiscent of Return of the Living Dead for me.  Lots of white space on the page made it a clean and quick read but still descriptive and very easy to follow.    

I liked the visual of the open front door and the zombie passing in the b.g.  Cool transition from the ambulance, to the house, and then to the squad car.  The only big draw back for me was it wasn't all that interesting of a story.  Just a lot of cool visuals.  It's the whole zombie apocalypse thing again and that's a hard one to make your own.  

The great thing about this particular script in the OWC is that it was well visualized, a very fast read and a good balance between horror and humor.    

Loved the concept of a zombie in an ambulance waking up.

Liked the idea of using humor while the zombie wakes up.

The writing never once got in the way. In other words, good work on that.

I wasn't completely thrilled with the ending. And the spreading zombie thing started to feel repetitive with no main characters to anchor the story.

But a very competent writer, and what could be an opening to a good feature. Very good job.

Yeah I dug this one too. Had a lean sparse feel to it but flowed along nicely. The humour didn’t jar with the stuff going on, rather added to the tension slowly ratcheting up.

A couple of typos but it was written and formatted well and easy to read. Good job

The suspenseful part of this story for me was the ambulance scene. You handled the somewhat pedestrian banter and camaraderie of the two against the 'live' bodybag on the back seat amping up the tension incrementally very nicely. Good use of dramatic irony.

Where it went next strangely diffused the setup for me. I was along for the ride but as soon as we stepped outside of that vehicle and the different threads merged I wasn't as enthralled.

Nice job, well done, but more of a setup for a bigger story.

I enjoyed this. Well written. I preferred the ambulance scene to the rest, but the tension that you did build during those pages were effective.

It felt like a few scenes from a feature than a complete story but overall great job!

Love the title and the set-up. I was picturing Bringing out the Dead vibes at the beginning. Really thought the humour helped it with the zombie introduction.

I was a little disappointed we left the ambulance so soon and agree that was my favourite part, but the story as a whole really works well together. You blend the scene together nicely and I was enthralled throughout the whole thing.

Great visuals with clean wiring make this a strong entry for me.

Liked the ending, didn't mind that we didn't have a central lead character.

This one is my favourite so far.

Hi writer,

So this could literally be a scene out of any one of a hundred zombie movies, a dead body coming to life in the back of the ambulance, the searching through the corn finding a person with their back to them and slowly turning, almost every part of it. I don't think there is an original idea in sight, which to be honest is a shame. You're clearly a talented writer, I saw everything you wanted me to, the dialogue was natural, and it was an easy read, but no originality!!!

This for me is in the same category as the ship one, great craftsmanship with a very average story. Sorry to be harsh, but surely you know this has been done before, right? Like a thousand times!

All the best.

Straight up zombie story.

Well written, but lacking in originality.

It's always a good sign when the words on the page kind of melt away and the story carries the read. And, this one did that.

So, nice writing. I wish the story had more to offer. If it did, this would get top scores from me.

You had me up until the farmer and his wife. At that point it just became too widespread and uncontrolled. No resistance. I was really hoping that it would just focus on out two ambulance guys and that the whole story would take place in just their vehicle. Had promise for some great comedic interaction.

Well written and open ended. Not much of an arc as it was still escalating. Good work, writer.

I liked this.

Well written and formatted flowed well, though I'd have been tempted st stop it earlier...

And as people have said this could be a scene out of a number of zombie films/TV shows.

I'm okay with that, always been a Romero fan.

Good job!

Probably not fair for me to review as I detest Zombie stories.  That being said, this is very well written and it nails the parameters.  Lot of talent here.

1st passage - you chose to end the 1st sentence with, "of the ambulance", which is completely unnecessary, as you're just repeating the Slug - we know we're in an ambulance.

I had to google "EDM".

Through 3 and a 1/2 pages, this is pretty good.  I've seen this before...probably several times, but it's exactly what this challenge called for.

THEN...

You hit us with a 6 line passage?  WTF?  6 lines?  You'll want to CAP "woman", since this is "her" first intro.  The passage is definitely a single shot, meaning it shouldn't be broken up, but there's just too much detail here.  Don't go over 4 lines...just DON"T DO IT!

I'm still enjoying this for what it is, but I'm also realizing how unreal this is.  I googled ambulance interior pics and looked at an awful lot.  There isn't much room, if any, to get to the front compartment from the back, and many ambulances aren't even open to the back.  Bit if this ambulance does have easy access, they would hear something from behind them.  Just saying...

You did a nice job, though, having the zombie lose balance and fall back. That is definitely suspense and much like the hints Zack threw out.

And then we completely leave the scene and have an orphan attack?  WTF?  But, I see where you're going and we all get to make our own choices, so let's see what happens...

I am not a fan of the INT/EXT stuff.  Just write the scenes out as they happen.

OK, finished.  And, I gotta say, it's pretty damn good...for what it is, which is a scene from a zombie movie/TV show, and there's nothing unique here at all, but it's effectively drawn up.

You've got a ton of orphans here...11 over 10 pages, but the vast majority in the last 3 or 4 pages...too many.  But you also have a whole bunch of 2 word orphans, and those can be done away with pretty easily...usually.  Just something to look out for.

You met the challenge very well..maybe better than any others so far.  Your writing is pretty good and everything was set up very well.  It's just such a tired genre and we really don't have any characters to root for, as everyone dies so quickly.

I still will give you the highest grade so far (well...a tie for the highest).  Good job.

****

I enjoyed reading this. Like another poster said it too reminded me of Bringing Out the Dead at first, and that was a good thing.

Not a fan of the "bloody" zombie(s), but I will credit you that it wasn't gratuitous. I still would have preferred more dry, pale figures like Carnival of Souls, where you can't really tell if it is truly meant to be a zombie or... what?

I liked all the characters too and you did a great job of giving them all personalities with just the short times they have on screen (page). This was done without overloading us with information but also letting get to know them and picture them with neat, direct descriptions. That being said, I wasn't much of a fan of Earl and Greta. They were okay, but Greta's monologue with/about the phone kinda dragged for me and I just wanted it to stop. Maybe it was for comic relief but the banter between Christian and Javier in the ambulance worked much better for me.

Speaking of that, there is a line Christian says -- "This isn't the news, hot shot" -- that I don't understand the context of. I like the line though, lol.

Title is intriguing and ending is good. I like the camera moving away as we still hear the dispatcher voice and of the characters emerging and going in different directions.

Hi Writer

Zombies! everyone loves zombies, right? yes, they do!

You are not being original or inventive here, typical zombies doing typical zombie things at the start of a - countlessly seen before - zombie apocalypse.

You have played it safe - but you have done it very well. The writing was top notch, the suspense was there - I even had a little chuckle at the zombie falling over when the ambulance went around the bend.

The suspense was good. Although I am going to go back to the challenge parameters "Majority of the screenplay must heavily feature some sort of vehicle" - you have 3/4 pages of vehicle in a 10 page script which is not the majority - so I'll have to dock some points for that I think (I feel like I'm being harsh in this OWC)

Anyway, well done on completing the challenge

Matt

Nicely written, good characterisation and easy to follow. This seemed more like the opening scenes to a feature, as it didn’t go anywhere and you pretty much covered ever zombie cliché in the book but it was slick and fulfilled the criteria of the OWC quite nicely.

I like how you put in little bits of humour in the dialogue and the zombie falling over like a Mr Bean zombie at the back of the ambulance was funny.  

So low points for originality but high points for everything else, great effort.

-Mark

This was a pretty fun zombie script, although it seems like only about half of it featured a vehicle. The ending veered off into the house and then into cornfield.

You definitely nailed the suspense though.

I enjoyed the writing for the most part. Very crisp and easy to follow. Not a fan of how you just kinda dropped "zombie" Javier on us at the end. Surely you could have described his physical condition a bit.

Pretty sure I know who wrote this one.

Really solid effort here. I enjoyed it, just think more of it should have taken place in a vehicle.

Not bad. I especially liked the first 1/3 of it. Very creepy and suspenseful with the bodybag starting to move in the back of the ambulance. After that it became a little more predictable.

My biggest issue with this script was Earl and Greta. I'm guessing a young person wrote this. Nothing wrong with their names, but they have sort of an old fashioned ring to them. Nothing wrong with that either, but they are in their 60s. That's not THAT old IMO. People that are around 60 today grew up during the hippie era. These two sound more like they are in their 80s to me. They shuffle around. They recently got introduced to modern phones and miss landlines. Seriously, these two really do sound more like they are in their 80s. Nowadays, people that are in their 60s are active and fit and with it. At least the ones I know.

Other than that, good job!  

FIRST RESPONDERS

Code JAVIER (30s) fiddles with the radio dial.

This must be an old ambulance... wouldn't it be a digital radio? This is the second script I've read with a radio dial. I haven't seen a dial in at least 10 years. Now it's all touch screen.

So these zombies have superhuman strength? Struck me as weird the old guy being dragged into the ambulance. I've always associated zombies with being pretty weak and vulnerable. Their success lies in numbers. Just one, a female at that, yanking a fully grown man into an ambulance seems off genre to me.


If I'm commenting on the story that means the writing is good, so well done with that.

The action was well done, and I liked the suspense in the first sequence, but then it gets repetitive in the following sequences. This was well written, but it's your standard Rise of the Zombies story.

For a change, I'd like to see a character come up with a new way to kill the undead (or does that term apply exclusively to vampires?). Perhaps Christian and Javier initially think the woman is alive, and one of them slaps an oxygen mask over her face before she can do any damage. And the body explodes. That may be silly, but I'd like to see something new in a zombie flick.

You scored in all the right areas - the right tone, literate writing, great descriptions, tight dialogue. But Zombies.  That road has been used so often it has ruts in it.  You didn't turn anything on its head.  Granted -you didn't marry a tired premise to mediocre execution either.  But this is natural talent, people work a long time to write something as cinematic as this.  That said, I liked it... I'm just not gushing over it. -Andrea.

Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed this.

By far the most common comment was on how unoriginal this was. Yup, I did warn you all what I wrote was nothing special! And you're all correct, there's very little here that is original.

What I wanted to do was explore how first responders would react to a zombie apocalypse they didn't know was coming. How they would actually be partially responsible for the spreading of zombies because of ignorance. It's just a different perspective on the established zombie fare, and there's probably a story in there somewhere but I didn't have time to dig for it.

Instead, I focused on the writing, which I'm happy with, and it seems everyone else was too.

Jeff - I will always use INT/EXT any time the production needs to control both the interior and exterior of a scene. It's necessary for filming. As for the ambulance pics, not everything is on google, apparently. I've seen many ambulances with direct access from the driver cab to the rear. A friend of mine is an ambulatory transport paramedic and his rig has access to the back from the cab. Maybe it's a Canadian thing.

Zack - did you really know it was me?

Pia - You aren't old at all, and neither are Earl and Greta. They're country old, their bodies are worn down from hard work, especially poor Earl. Greta is, well, not the brightest tack in the box.

Dustin - Nice job spotting the radio dial. It was a deliberate choice, it's more visual and the static is more ominous that watching a digital radio just skip stations. It also worked, in my mind, to suggest this small town gets by on old and run down equipment. Kind of like Earl and Greta with the phone.