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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April, 2019 One Week Challenge  ›  El Camino Infierno - OWC Moderators: Zack
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  Author    El Camino Infierno - OWC  (currently 524 views)
Don
Posted: April 19th, 2019, 9:01pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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El Camino Infierno (Hell) by ? - Short, Horror - Two brothers must escape town as unknown forces destroy everything in site. 12 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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JEStaats
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 12:55pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, be patient, there are so many spelling, grammar and punctuation issues going on here but... for some odd reason... I love this story. So basic, yet satisfying. Two brothers, aliens, gunplay AND an El Camino. All the great components for a good story.

Work on the issues, rewrite it and it's a fun story. Good job, writer!
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 3:05pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Well...where do I begin?

I'm not going to be able to begin, as there are so many mistakes of every kind just littered throughout this script.

It's quite apparent that you have no idea how to use apostrophes, and I'm not even sure if English is your first language, so sadly, I'm out very, very early.

*


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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eldave1
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 6:42pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Pretty solid story - took a bit to get to the vehicle - but okay.

There are many grammatical mistakes. Check out Grammerly - it's a great tool and there is a free version.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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LC
Posted: April 21st, 2019, 6:43pm Report to Moderator
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I'm coming back to this to properly review, but...

Your logline should be
...destroy everything in sight.

Too much Internet for you.  


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 22nd, 2019, 1:02pm Report to Moderator
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As mentioned, this is chock full or spelling and grammar errors, formatting is er, unusual in places and there's a lot of passive writing too...

But it's an OWC so I'll put that to one side and focus on the story.

So there's definitely a verhicle, Horror kinda - fine... suspense a little I guess.

Overall I thought this was okay, but needs a lot of work.

I did love the line... "Like John Fucking Wick!" made me smile!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
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ReneC
Posted: April 22nd, 2019, 11:30pm Report to Moderator
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Sure, there are a ton of grammatical and spelling errors. But I understood every word, and you write very well even with the errors.

This is some of the most passionate writing I've seen. I was on the edge of my seat. You have a cinematic eye for writing. "On screen" should be "Insert", but after the first one I clued in to what you were doing and it was visual and effective. Once the pace kicked into high gear you kept it up all the way through, with a perfectly timed break meeting Wilson before diving back into breakneck paced action again. And you delivered a satisfying ending.

The dialogue is believable, the characters are well developed, the world is a little vague but you have some good description where you need it.

I don't understand how they survived the attack on the car. A floor mat held in place is strong enough to stop these things? If that's the case, they're not all that scary. I had a hard time picturing them too, you should make it clearer.

I really thought the line was going to be "Like John Fucking Wayne!" That's my age showing. Of course it's John Wick. Nice line.

The one drawback for me is it isn't a horror. It's a straight up action short.

I love it. Great job. Don't let the naysayers get you down, anybody can polish your script but you have a talent that's difficult to teach, judging by this anyway.


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: April 23rd, 2019, 10:15am Report to Moderator
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Hello writer

Ooo - a big no no on the first page - dialogue immediately after a slug line. just one line will do, telling us what the house is like - run down, looked after, small, luxurious blah blah blah - never forget that we are writing for the big screen, not the imagination.

You could actually just use a mini slug here - we are still outside and it's continuous - it will look a lot neater on the page.

Oooo alien invasion *claps his hands excitedly*


Quoted Text
ON SCREEN: 1967 Mint Burnt Orange El Camino.
BACK TO THE SCENE:


Don't get the point of this - it's a screenplay, isn't everything on screen?

I finished. I bloody loved it - my favourite so far for sure. The qualms I have are blocking the window with the backpack and mat - visually I couldn't picture how it would stop them from getting in.

I also do not know why they left - did they get bored? was it the sun that they don't like?

This was chock full of suspense - a lot of action but I guess it could be scary as well.

It is a real shame (and frankly, absurd) that other reviews are so heavily focused on spelling and grammar and not the story - even not reading the whole thing because of it. Sure, there are a lot of errors - if this was outside the OWC then yea, those comments are justified - but inside the OWC I think more slack should be given - it was still readable, and frankly, it was well-written.

It's very easy to pick on easy things like spelling rather than commenting on the story, so I guess that is why it is happening. But listen, don't let it get you down - any schmuck can learn to spell/grammar check - you can get the computer to do most of it for you - what is much harder is telling a compelling story. That requires talent and based on this it looks like you have it.

I wonder if you are a seasoned writer who entered last minute, and so did not have time to check afterwards - doesn't matter really.

You had my attention the whole time, I wanted the brothers to survive - it was well paced and full of emotion - I loved the chemistry between the brothers. Honestly, it was great - please make it into a feature lol

Well done

Matt


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_ghostwriters
Posted: April 24th, 2019, 12:30am Report to Moderator
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Well, leaving aside grammatical issues, a couple of thoughts:

I had a logic issue.  Not sure I buy the fact the creatures couldn’t get inside the car.  They just destroyed a whole darn city.  Unless i'm missing something.

You've got several cliches that has kind of been done to death...and done some more while dead.  Just some examples, the cellphone bit.  Same for the flashlight.  And I'm wondering -- what's the genre? It seems purely action, and very little suspense to me.

Other than that, it's nicely written.  A fast flowing read. You have a keen grasp of the story, I can see that. There’s skill and promise here.  You've done this before.  I liked it, didn't love it.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 24th, 2019, 6:33am Report to Moderator
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I read the whole thing and ignored the typos.

It was pretty decent as a thriller until it went sci-fi and everyone got crabs - sorry couldn't resist. Then it went very cheeesy and cliche.

Some tacky dialogue throughout, like "It must have been an EMP!" sure, the sky is full of lightening but the officer assumes it's an EMP coz that happens all the time.

These crab aliens can cross the universe, obliterate entire towns but their kryptonite is a car reinforced with a floor mat? I didn't buy that. Then they all just... leave. Conveniently.

This was more sci-fi action than horror and the exploding bodies and blood splatter when the officer is ripped apart blows the 'minimum gore' part of the challenge by a mile.

There is a lot of fun elements to this if you take it as a kind of Sharknado affair and some will lap that up but it's not one for me I'm sorry to say.


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Britman
Posted: April 24th, 2019, 6:56am Report to Moderator
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I applaud you in the scope of the story and imagination on display here. However, it feels like just after you typed THE END you came straight here and submitted it. There are quite a lot of typos and descriptions that feel rushed and could be cleaned up. And the dialogue needs another 2-3 passes.

Overall though props for the story, and the the writing was good for the most part. However it wasn't horror, more of a sci-fi action piece. Kinda got a War of the Worlds vibe from it.


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: April 24th, 2019, 12:51pm Report to Moderator
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Grammar and spelling errors are rampant.

"Suddenly..." "Then" Action happens as it unfolds. These words could be lost and you lose nothing.


Quoted Text
ON SCREEN: 1967 Mint Burnt Orange El Camino.
BACK TO THE SCENE:


No, the car is right there. It's already on the screen. We also never left the scene.


Quoted Text
ON SCREEN: Neighboring trees and houses are up in FLAMES.

again, you show it, it's already on the screen.


Quoted Text
ON SCREEN: Franks foot SMASHING the gas pedal to the floor.

Again same thing. However, smashing isn't the right word to use. Slamming, maybe. But not smashing.


Quoted Text
FRANK
What the fuck is going on.
Chad is looking out the rear window.
CHAD
Holy shit!


Could lose it; lose nothing. Just a quickie of two characters having nothing important to say.
As it turns out, the brothers have nothing much to say, come to think about it. And when they do say something, it's all reactionary.

Officer Wilcox grabs his AR-15
Didn't CAP him on intro, but more interesting is that a Chicago Finest just happens to have an AR-15 laying around, and seems clueless to the devastation. Is he SWAT? Maybe he shouldn't
be clueless. Maybe Wilcox is armed to the nines because he seen the aliens, encountered one or two, and took action, ready to kick ass. Right?

I have never, ever been a fan of scribes who throw in pop culture nods to other films. Ever.

Anyway, if it wasn't for the endless errors and cardboard characters, this bit actually would have been fairly decent for the OWC. If nothing else, you could have cleaned up the grammar and spelling.



"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
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Dustin
Posted: April 24th, 2019, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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EL CAMINO INFIERNO


I mostly skip read this due to the errors and poor writing. As a writer, I need more. The story seems one long action piece that may translate better on screen than you have managed to do on paper.


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Dreamscale
Posted: April 24th, 2019, 2:42pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from Matthew Taylor


I finished. I bloody loved it - my favourite so far for sure.

It is a real shame (and frankly, absurd) that other reviews are so heavily focused on spelling and grammar and not the story - even not reading the whole thing because of it. Sure, there are a lot of errors - if this was outside the OWC then yea, those comments are justified - but inside the OWC I think more slack should be given - it was still readable, and frankly, it was well-written.

It's very easy to pick on easy things like spelling rather than commenting on the story, so I guess that is why it is happening. But listen, don't let it get you down - any schmuck can learn to spell/grammar check - you can get the computer to do most of it for you - what is much harder is telling a compelling story. That requires talent and based on this it looks like you have it.

Matt


Matt, are we talking about the same script here?  The one with  "INT. FRONT DOOR" and "INT. FRONT WINDOW" as numerous Slugs?  The same script with a car mat holding off aliens capable of destroying basically all of Chicago?

There are probably 25+ mistakes on every single page and the story, action, and characters are...well...not good, let's say.

The only thing I can take from your review is that this is your script, or a friend's.

I honestly rad your review and had to go back and look at the script again.

Shocking!!!!



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: April 24th, 2019, 4:56pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale


Matt, are we talking about the same script here?  The one with  "INT. FRONT DOOR" and "INT. FRONT WINDOW" as numerous Slugs?  The same script with a car mat holding off aliens capable of destroying basically all of Chicago?

There are probably 25+ mistakes on every single page and the story, action, and characters are...well...not good, let's say.

The only thing I can take from your review is that this is your script, or a friend's.

I honestly rad your review and had to go back and look at the script again.

Shocking!!!!



It's not mine and I have no friends lol. Seriously I have no idea who wrote this.

It's just my opinion, I have a handy disclaimer in my signature for moments such as this.

I did point out the blocking the window with the objects was odd. That should change.

What can I say, I enjoyed it lol but I am heavily biased towards aliens and sci fi


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