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Good writing. Nice suspenseful opening. And the saucers lightning-bolting Chicago to flinders is cool. Then you top that by dropping crabs on the city. That's nasty. But it's common knowledge that crabs aren't the smartest seafood in the tank, so they have to be slave soldiers, and we've still to see their overlords. Show me the overlords.
Spqr makes a great point about the crabs effectively being the foot-soldiers. I concur that there needs to be a big-boss 'overlord' as he put it. The big guys therefore are the ones doing the major damage.
This has a War Of The Worlds/Cloverfield feel to it. It's action packed. Needs tweaks.
A few suggestions, using some of your text as example:
Chad is looking out the rear window. (avoid: is looking) Chad looks out the rear window - will suffice. creatures come pouring out. Suggestion: Hundreds of crab-like creatures unleash, swarming the vehicle.
As long as your sentence is active and progressive you can still use those 'ing'words.
They see a policeman waving them down. Officer Wilcox, 38, ... Suggestion: A policeman, Wilcox, late 30s, waves them down.
They both start to tip-toe (avoid: start to) They tip-toe is sufficient.
and start pouring out – (avoid: 'and start') The pods crack open with a bright light, oozing a green slime. Hundreds of the creatures begin to chase.
Suggestion: Hundreds of creatures give chase Avoid: 'begin to'
Think of what we're looking at on screen.
Wilson reloads his AR-15 ( reloads the rifle, opens fire) and opens fire again. Screams (squeals?)of the creatures are ear shattering. Wilson tries to reload again, (reloads again) but DROPS the magazine. No time to it. They are starting to cover the El Camino as Wilson draws his service weapon and start shooting.
Suggestion: As above with suggested edits, or: Wilson reloads the rifle. Unloads a shower of bullets. He opens fire again. The creatures rear up, ear-splitting shrieks.
He attempts to reload, drops the magazine, fumbles for it - It drops to the ground. Frantic, Wilson draws his service revolver.
Fragmented action lines are fine.
Frank switches seats with Chad. (That's way too static) versus: Quick! Switch seats! Or: Slide over, quick!
Covers Choose active verbs: Instead of covers – use wedges (it into the opening), or blocksbars the opening. Perhaps add something like: Uses the full force of his body weight behind it.
Instead of 'holds' Grips, anchors, forces, etc. See the difference with the more active verb, the rhythm of the words, how changing verbs ups the pace and intensity.
We'll die for sure if you open that door. (too sedate, too long, consider the urgency) Try: If you open that door, we're dead! Or: Open that door, we're mince-meat! Use colloquialisms to add colour.
The creatures on the outside are putting up a fight. A swarm of them cover every inch of the car, tearing, clawing their way in. Claws coming through on the edges. One claw CUTS Franks hand..
Instead of: 'are putting up a fight’ - The creatures snarl, claw, bite, tearing their way in. A razor sharp claw snags Frank’s hand, draws blood.
[i]Chad grabs the gun. Hands shaking like mad. He puts in a new Clip
Suggest something like: Eyes wide, hands shaking, Chad loads another clip. He fumbles... The clip engages - Just in time.
The backpack is starting to give out.
A claw tears through the backpack - A tear in the backpack opens up - A beam/shaft of light in the darkened car.
THE BLOODY REAR WINDOW STARTS TO CRACK. (No need for CAPS) The bloodied rear window cracks, a web of splintering glass. Then - The passenger-side window cracks.
The SUN starts shining through the greasy, slimy windows. Suggest: Sun shines, breaking through the bloodied and slime-coated vehicle.
The clawing abates - Until you hear nothing.
Delete: ''you hear'.
Suggestion:
Until...
Nothing.
Complete silence.
Both brothers hold their breath.
EXT. EL CAMINO - DAY Should be: EXT. ROAD - DAY The El Camino is trashed. Tires all blown out, smashed glass, dents and bite marks.
Frank stands outside with the shotgun resting on his shoulder. Chads by his side. Too sedate.
Your ending suggests that particular fight was won but that the battle continues.
You can still have them relax a bit but the 'shotgun resting' implies we're done, safe, over. Btw, a rifle and shotgun are two different weapons, right?
ON SCREEN: TOWN BURNT DOWN. SMOKE BILLOWING UP IN THE AIR AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE. THE DISCS ARE GONE. BACK TO THE SCENE:
You could Insert. But, preferably just write what they're looking at. Perhaps have them stand on a high vantage point to witness the city below, ablaze, .smoke billows from buildings... etc.
Where Frank and Chad are located suggests suburbia or a small town perimeter of the city.
Suggestion: EXT. ROAD - DAY
On the move, senses on high alert. Frank leads the way, Chad close at heel.
Past burned out shops, abandoned vehicles, (corpses/the dead, perhaps?), trudging through the sludge of dead crab detritus, surely?
Instead of: Frank walks over to the brick and metal roof shop. Chad follows. Frank kicks open the side door.
Suggestion:
They come to -
EXT. AUTO REPAIR SHOP - DAY - LATER
Boarded up at the front.
Frank surveills the back, a side door. He kicks it open.
Do away with this: ON SCREEN: 1978 MINT MAT-BLACK FORD BRONCO 4X4.
Delete: ON SCREEN: 1978 MINT MAT-BLACK FORD BRONCO 4X4. (in the shop)
Frank and Chad throw the cover off (or:'to reveal) a mint 1978 black Ford Bronco (or) A black 1978 Ford Bronco in pristine condition.
EXT. ROAD - DAY - LATER The Bronco sits by the kerb.
INT. CAR - Frank turns the ignition The Bronco's engine ROARS to life.
CHAD What are we going to do now, Frankie?
Frank looks at Chad, smiles.
FRANK We're going to survive, little brother.
EXT. ROAD The wheels spin, dirt flies up, as the Bronco speeds off into the night.
Who knows you could even have a post-script shot at the end as one of the crab thingimies flies up, attaches itself to the car bumper, clings on for dear life.
... Plenty of suspense, action packed, the writing just needs more experience and finessing, grammar, punctuation fixes etc.
Spqr makes a great point about the crabs effectively being the foot-soldiers. I concur that there needs to be a big-boss 'overlord' as he put it. The big guys therefore are the ones doing the major damage.
This has a War Of The Worlds/Cloverfield feel to it. It's action packed. Needs tweaks.
A few suggestions, using some of your text as example:
Chad is looking out the rear window. (avoid: is looking) Chad looks out the rear window - will suffice. creatures come pouring out. Suggestion: Hundreds of crab-like creatures unleash, swarming the vehicle.
As long as your sentence is active and progressive you can still use those 'ing'words.
They see a policeman waving them down. Officer Wilcox, 38, ... Suggestion: A policeman, Wilcox, late 30s, waves them down.
They both start to tip-toe (avoid: start to) They tip-toe is sufficient.
and start pouring out – (avoid: 'and start') The pods crack open with a bright light, oozing a green slime. Hundreds of the creatures begin to chase.
Suggestion: Hundreds of creatures give chase Avoid: 'begin to'
Think of what we're looking at on screen.
Wilson reloads his AR-15 ( reloads the rifle, opens fire) and opens fire again. Screams (squeals?)of the creatures are ear shattering. Wilson tries to reload again, (reloads again) but DROPS the magazine. No time to it. They are starting to cover the El Camino as Wilson draws his service weapon and start shooting.
Suggestion: As above with suggested edits, or: Wilson reloads the rifle. Unloads a shower of bullets. He opens fire again. The creatures rear up, ear-splitting shrieks.
He attempts to reload, drops the magazine, fumbles for it - It drops to the ground. Frantic, Wilson draws his service revolver.
Fragmented action lines are fine.
Frank switches seats with Chad. (That's way too static) versus: Quick! Switch seats! Or: Slide over, quick!
Covers Choose active verbs: Instead of covers – use wedges (it into the opening), or blocksbars the opening. Perhaps add something like: Uses the full force of his body weight behind it.
Instead of 'holds' Grips, anchors, forces, etc. See the difference with the more active verb, the rhythm of the words, how changing verbs ups the pace and intensity.
We'll die for sure if you open that door. (too sedate, too long, consider the urgency) Try: If you open that door, we're dead! Or: Open that door, we're mince-meat! Use colloquialisms to add colour.
The creatures on the outside are putting up a fight. A swarm of them cover every inch of the car, tearing, clawing their way in. Claws coming through on the edges. One claw CUTS Franks hand..
Instead of: 'are putting up a fight’ - The creatures snarl, claw, bite, tearing their way in. A razor sharp claw snags Frank’s hand, draws blood.
[i]Chad grabs the gun. Hands shaking like mad. He puts in a new Clip
Suggest something like: Eyes wide, hands shaking, Chad loads another clip. He fumbles... The clip engages - Just in time.
The backpack is starting to give out.
A claw tears through the backpack - A tear in the backpack opens up - A beam/shaft of light in the darkened car.
THE BLOODY REAR WINDOW STARTS TO CRACK. (No need for CAPS) The bloodied rear window cracks, a web of splintering glass. Then - The passenger-side window cracks.
The SUN starts shining through the greasy, slimy windows. Suggest: Sun shines, breaking through the bloodied and slime-coated vehicle.
The clawing abates - Until you hear nothing.
Delete: ''you hear'.
Suggestion:
Until...
Nothing.
Complete silence.
Both brothers hold their breath.
EXT. EL CAMINO - DAY Should be: EXT. ROAD - DAY The El Camino is trashed. Tires all blown out, smashed glass, dents and bite marks.
Frank stands outside with the shotgun resting on his shoulder. Chads by his side. Too sedate.
Your ending suggests that particular fight was won but that the battle continues.
You can still have them relax a bit but the 'shotgun resting' implies we're done, safe, over. Btw, a rifle and shotgun are two different weapons, right?
ON SCREEN: TOWN BURNT DOWN. SMOKE BILLOWING UP IN THE AIR AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE. THE DISCS ARE GONE. BACK TO THE SCENE:
You could Insert. But, preferably just write what they're looking at. Perhaps have them stand on a high vantage point to witness the city below, ablaze, .smoke billows from buildings... etc.
Where Frank and Chad are located suggests suburbia or a small town perimeter of the city.
Suggestion: EXT. ROAD - DAY
On the move, senses on high alert. Frank leads the way, Chad close at heel.
Past burned out shops, abandoned vehicles, (corpses/the dead, perhaps?), trudging through the sludge of dead crab detritus, surely?
Instead of: Frank walks over to the brick and metal roof shop. Chad follows. Frank kicks open the side door.
Suggestion:
They come to -
EXT. AUTO REPAIR SHOP - DAY - LATER
Boarded up at the front.
Frank surveills the back, a side door. He kicks it open.
Do away with this: ON SCREEN: 1978 MINT MAT-BLACK FORD BRONCO 4X4.
Delete: ON SCREEN: 1978 MINT MAT-BLACK FORD BRONCO 4X4. (in the shop)
Frank and Chad throw the cover off (or:'to reveal) a mint 1978 black Ford Bronco (or) A black 1978 Ford Bronco in pristine condition.
EXT. ROAD - DAY - LATER The Bronco sits by the kerb.
INT. CAR - Frank's turns the ignition The Bronco's engine ROARS to life.
CHAD What are we going to do now, Frankie?
Frank looks at Chad, smiles.
FRANK We're going to survive, little brother.
EXT. ROAD The wheels spin, dirt flies up, as the Bronco speeds off into the night.
Who knows you could even have a post-script shot at the end as one of the crab thingimies flies up, attaches itself to the car bumper, clings on for dear life.
... Plenty of suspense, action packed, the writing just needs more experience and finessing, grammar, punctuation fixes etc.
I didn't enter this time around so don't feel obligated to comment on all. I'm guessing the writer is starting out and thought I could offer a few tips.
I'll agree there's a story here. And, kudos for writing the first script I've ever seen where the leads are saved by a WeatherTech floor mat. Never thought I'd see that.
Unfortunately, the typos and passive writing were just too much for me to overcome. VERY distracting.
Fortunately for you, LC writes some of the most thorough reviews around... and, she's got you covered. Follow her advice to the letter, and apply it to every script you write going forward.
The real good news: story is the hard part... and the most important part.
Get the distractions out of the way, and let your story do its thing!
Thanks for sharing.
PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Spqr makes a great point about the crabs effectively being the foot-soldiers. I concur that there needs to be a big-boss 'overlord' as he put it. The big guys therefore are the ones doing the major damage.
This has a War Of The Worlds/Cloverfield feel to it. It's action packed. Needs tweaks.
A few suggestions, using some of your text as example:
Chad is looking out the rear window. (avoid: is looking) Chad looks out the rear window - will suffice. creatures come pouring out. Suggestion: Hundreds of crab-like creatures unleash, swarming the vehicle.
As long as your sentence is active and progressive you can still use those 'ing'words.
They see a policeman waving them down. Officer Wilcox, 38, ... Suggestion: A policeman, Wilcox, late 30s, waves them down.
They both start to tip-toe (avoid: start to) They tip-toe is sufficient.
and start pouring out – (avoid: 'and start') The pods crack open with a bright light, oozing a green slime. Hundreds of the creatures begin to chase.
Suggestion: Hundreds of creatures give chase Avoid: 'begin to'
Think of what we're looking at on screen.
Wilson reloads his AR-15 ( reloads the rifle, opens fire) and opens fire again. Screams (squeals?)of the creatures are ear shattering. Wilson tries to reload again, (reloads again) but DROPS the magazine. No time to it. They are starting to cover the El Camino as Wilson draws his service weapon and start shooting.
Suggestion: As above with suggested edits, or: Wilson reloads the rifle. Unloads a shower of bullets. He opens fire again. The creatures rear up, ear-splitting shrieks.
He attempts to reload, drops the magazine, fumbles for it - It drops to the ground. Frantic, Wilson draws his service revolver.
Fragmented action lines are fine.
Frank switches seats with Chad. (That's way too static) versus: Quick! Switch seats! Or: Slide over, quick!
Covers Choose active verbs: Instead of covers – use wedges (it into the opening), or blocksbars the opening. Perhaps add something like: Uses the full force of his body weight behind it.
Instead of 'holds' Grips, anchors, forces, etc. See the difference with the more active verb, the rhythm of the words, how changing verbs ups the pace and intensity.
We'll die for sure if you open that door. (too sedate, too long, consider the urgency) Try: If you open that door, we're dead! Or: Open that door, we're mince-meat! Use colloquialisms to add colour.
The creatures on the outside are putting up a fight. A swarm of them cover every inch of the car, tearing, clawing their way in. Claws coming through on the edges. One claw CUTS Franks hand..
Instead of: 'are putting up a fight’ - The creatures snarl, claw, bite, tearing their way in. A razor sharp claw snags Frank’s hand, draws blood.
[i]Chad grabs the gun. Hands shaking like mad. He puts in a new Clip
Suggest something like: Eyes wide, hands shaking, Chad loads another clip. He fumbles... The clip engages - Just in time.
The backpack is starting to give out.
A claw tears through the backpack - A tear in the backpack opens up - A beam/shaft of light in the darkened car.
THE BLOODY REAR WINDOW STARTS TO CRACK. (No need for CAPS) The bloodied rear window cracks, a web of splintering glass. Then - The passenger-side window cracks.
The SUN starts shining through the greasy, slimy windows. Suggest: Sun shines, breaking through the bloodied and slime-coated vehicle.
The clawing abates - Until you hear nothing.
Delete: ''you hear'.
Suggestion:
Until...
Nothing.
Complete silence.
Both brothers hold their breath.
EXT. EL CAMINO - DAY Should be: EXT. ROAD - DAY The El Camino is trashed. Tires all blown out, smashed glass, dents and bite marks.
Frank stands outside with the shotgun resting on his shoulder. Chads by his side. Too sedate.
Your ending suggests that particular fight was won but that the battle continues.
You can still have them relax a bit but the 'shotgun resting' implies we're done, safe, over. Btw, a rifle and shotgun are two different weapons, right?
ON SCREEN: TOWN BURNT DOWN. SMOKE BILLOWING UP IN THE AIR AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE. THE DISCS ARE GONE. BACK TO THE SCENE:
You could Insert. But, preferably just write what they're looking at. Perhaps have them stand on a high vantage point to witness the city below, ablaze, .smoke billows from buildings... etc.
Where Frank and Chad are located suggests suburbia or a small town perimeter of the city.
Suggestion: EXT. ROAD - DAY
On the move, senses on high alert. Frank leads the way, Chad close at heel.
Past burned out shops, abandoned vehicles, (corpses/the dead, perhaps?), trudging through the sludge of dead crab detritus, surely?
Instead of: Frank walks over to the brick and metal roof shop. Chad follows. Frank kicks open the side door.
Suggestion:
They come to -
EXT. AUTO REPAIR SHOP - DAY - LATER
Boarded up at the front.
Frank surveills the back, a side door. He kicks it open.
Do away with this: ON SCREEN: 1978 MINT MAT-BLACK FORD BRONCO 4X4.
Delete: ON SCREEN: 1978 MINT MAT-BLACK FORD BRONCO 4X4. (in the shop)
Frank and Chad throw the cover off (or:'to reveal) a mint 1978 black Ford Bronco (or) A black 1978 Ford Bronco in pristine condition.
EXT. ROAD - DAY - LATER The Bronco sits by the kerb.
INT. CAR - Frank turns the ignition The Bronco's engine ROARS to life.
CHAD What are we going to do now, Frankie?
Frank looks at Chad, smiles.
FRANK We're going to survive, little brother.
EXT. ROAD The wheels spin, dirt flies up, as the Bronco speeds off into the night.
Who knows you could even have a post-script shot at the end as one of the crab thingimies flies up, attaches itself to the car bumper, clings on for dear life.
... Plenty of suspense, action packed, the writing just needs more experience and finessing, grammar, punctuation fixes etc.
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El Camino Infierno - OWC
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