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Okay, be patient, there are so many spelling, grammar and punctuation issues going on here but... for some odd reason... I love this story. So basic, yet satisfying. Two brothers, aliens, gunplay AND an El Camino. All the great components for a good story.
Work on the issues, rewrite it and it's a fun story. Good job, writer!
I'm not going to be able to begin, as there are so many mistakes of every kind just littered throughout this script.
It's quite apparent that you have no idea how to use apostrophes, and I'm not even sure if English is your first language, so sadly, I'm out very, very early.
Sure, there are a ton of grammatical and spelling errors. But I understood every word, and you write very well even with the errors.
This is some of the most passionate writing I've seen. I was on the edge of my seat. You have a cinematic eye for writing. "On screen" should be "Insert", but after the first one I clued in to what you were doing and it was visual and effective. Once the pace kicked into high gear you kept it up all the way through, with a perfectly timed break meeting Wilson before diving back into breakneck paced action again. And you delivered a satisfying ending.
The dialogue is believable, the characters are well developed, the world is a little vague but you have some good description where you need it.
I don't understand how they survived the attack on the car. A floor mat held in place is strong enough to stop these things? If that's the case, they're not all that scary. I had a hard time picturing them too, you should make it clearer.
I really thought the line was going to be "Like John Fucking Wayne!" That's my age showing. Of course it's John Wick. Nice line.
The one drawback for me is it isn't a horror. It's a straight up action short.
I love it. Great job. Don't let the naysayers get you down, anybody can polish your script but you have a talent that's difficult to teach, judging by this anyway.
Ooo - a big no no on the first page - dialogue immediately after a slug line. just one line will do, telling us what the house is like - run down, looked after, small, luxurious blah blah blah - never forget that we are writing for the big screen, not the imagination.
You could actually just use a mini slug here - we are still outside and it's continuous - it will look a lot neater on the page.
Oooo alien invasion *claps his hands excitedly*
Quoted Text
ON SCREEN: 1967 Mint Burnt Orange El Camino. BACK TO THE SCENE:
Don't get the point of this - it's a screenplay, isn't everything on screen?
I finished. I bloody loved it - my favourite so far for sure. The qualms I have are blocking the window with the backpack and mat - visually I couldn't picture how it would stop them from getting in.
I also do not know why they left - did they get bored? was it the sun that they don't like?
This was chock full of suspense - a lot of action but I guess it could be scary as well.
It is a real shame (and frankly, absurd) that other reviews are so heavily focused on spelling and grammar and not the story - even not reading the whole thing because of it. Sure, there are a lot of errors - if this was outside the OWC then yea, those comments are justified - but inside the OWC I think more slack should be given - it was still readable, and frankly, it was well-written.
It's very easy to pick on easy things like spelling rather than commenting on the story, so I guess that is why it is happening. But listen, don't let it get you down - any schmuck can learn to spell/grammar check - you can get the computer to do most of it for you - what is much harder is telling a compelling story. That requires talent and based on this it looks like you have it.
I wonder if you are a seasoned writer who entered last minute, and so did not have time to check afterwards - doesn't matter really.
You had my attention the whole time, I wanted the brothers to survive - it was well paced and full of emotion - I loved the chemistry between the brothers. Honestly, it was great - please make it into a feature lol
Well, leaving aside grammatical issues, a couple of thoughts:
I had a logic issue. Not sure I buy the fact the creatures couldn’t get inside the car. They just destroyed a whole darn city. Unless i'm missing something.
You've got several cliches that has kind of been done to death...and done some more while dead. Just some examples, the cellphone bit. Same for the flashlight. And I'm wondering -- what's the genre? It seems purely action, and very little suspense to me.
Other than that, it's nicely written. A fast flowing read. You have a keen grasp of the story, I can see that. There’s skill and promise here. You've done this before. I liked it, didn't love it.
It was pretty decent as a thriller until it went sci-fi and everyone got crabs - sorry couldn't resist. Then it went very cheeesy and cliche.
Some tacky dialogue throughout, like "It must have been an EMP!" sure, the sky is full of lightening but the officer assumes it's an EMP coz that happens all the time.
These crab aliens can cross the universe, obliterate entire towns but their kryptonite is a car reinforced with a floor mat? I didn't buy that. Then they all just... leave. Conveniently.
This was more sci-fi action than horror and the exploding bodies and blood splatter when the officer is ripped apart blows the 'minimum gore' part of the challenge by a mile.
There is a lot of fun elements to this if you take it as a kind of Sharknado affair and some will lap that up but it's not one for me I'm sorry to say.
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I applaud you in the scope of the story and imagination on display here. However, it feels like just after you typed THE END you came straight here and submitted it. There are quite a lot of typos and descriptions that feel rushed and could be cleaned up. And the dialogue needs another 2-3 passes.
Overall though props for the story, and the the writing was good for the most part. However it wasn't horror, more of a sci-fi action piece. Kinda got a War of the Worlds vibe from it.
"Suddenly..." "Then" Action happens as it unfolds. These words could be lost and you lose nothing.
Quoted Text
ON SCREEN: 1967 Mint Burnt Orange El Camino. BACK TO THE SCENE:
No, the car is right there. It's already on the screen. We also never left the scene.
Quoted Text
ON SCREEN: Neighboring trees and houses are up in FLAMES.
again, you show it, it's already on the screen.
Quoted Text
ON SCREEN: Franks foot SMASHING the gas pedal to the floor.
Again same thing. However, smashing isn't the right word to use. Slamming, maybe. But not smashing.
Quoted Text
FRANK What the fuck is going on. Chad is looking out the rear window. CHAD Holy shit!
Could lose it; lose nothing. Just a quickie of two characters having nothing important to say. As it turns out, the brothers have nothing much to say, come to think about it. And when they do say something, it's all reactionary.
Officer Wilcox grabs his AR-15 Didn't CAP him on intro, but more interesting is that a Chicago Finest just happens to have an AR-15 laying around, and seems clueless to the devastation. Is he SWAT? Maybe he shouldn't be clueless. Maybe Wilcox is armed to the nines because he seen the aliens, encountered one or two, and took action, ready to kick ass. Right?
I have never, ever been a fan of scribes who throw in pop culture nods to other films. Ever.
Anyway, if it wasn't for the endless errors and cardboard characters, this bit actually would have been fairly decent for the OWC. If nothing else, you could have cleaned up the grammar and spelling.
I mostly skip read this due to the errors and poor writing. As a writer, I need more. The story seems one long action piece that may translate better on screen than you have managed to do on paper.
I finished. I bloody loved it - my favourite so far for sure.
It is a real shame (and frankly, absurd) that other reviews are so heavily focused on spelling and grammar and not the story - even not reading the whole thing because of it. Sure, there are a lot of errors - if this was outside the OWC then yea, those comments are justified - but inside the OWC I think more slack should be given - it was still readable, and frankly, it was well-written.
It's very easy to pick on easy things like spelling rather than commenting on the story, so I guess that is why it is happening. But listen, don't let it get you down - any schmuck can learn to spell/grammar check - you can get the computer to do most of it for you - what is much harder is telling a compelling story. That requires talent and based on this it looks like you have it.
Matt
Matt, are we talking about the same script here? The one with "INT. FRONT DOOR" and "INT. FRONT WINDOW" as numerous Slugs? The same script with a car mat holding off aliens capable of destroying basically all of Chicago?
There are probably 25+ mistakes on every single page and the story, action, and characters are...well...not good, let's say.
The only thing I can take from your review is that this is your script, or a friend's.
I honestly rad your review and had to go back and look at the script again.
Matt, are we talking about the same script here? The one with "INT. FRONT DOOR" and "INT. FRONT WINDOW" as numerous Slugs? The same script with a car mat holding off aliens capable of destroying basically all of Chicago?
There are probably 25+ mistakes on every single page and the story, action, and characters are...well...not good, let's say.
The only thing I can take from your review is that this is your script, or a friend's.
I honestly rad your review and had to go back and look at the script again.
Shocking!!!!
It's not mine and I have no friends lol. Seriously I have no idea who wrote this.
It's just my opinion, I have a handy disclaimer in my signature for moments such as this.
I did point out the blocking the window with the objects was odd. That should change.
What can I say, I enjoyed it lol but I am heavily biased towards aliens and sci fi
Good writing. Nice suspenseful opening. And the saucers lightning-bolting Chicago to flinders is cool. Then you top that by dropping crabs on the city. That's nasty. But it's common knowledge that crabs aren't the smartest seafood in the tank, so they have to be slave soldiers, and we've still to see their overlords. Show me the overlords.
Spqr makes a great point about the crabs effectively being the foot-soldiers. I concur that there needs to be a big-boss 'overlord' as he put it. The big guys therefore are the ones doing the major damage.
This has a War Of The Worlds/Cloverfield feel to it. It's action packed. Needs tweaks.
A few suggestions, using some of your text as example:
Chad is looking out the rear window. (avoid: is looking) Chad looks out the rear window - will suffice. creatures come pouring out. Suggestion: Hundreds of crab-like creatures unleash, swarming the vehicle.
As long as your sentence is active and progressive you can still use those 'ing'words.
They see a policeman waving them down. Officer Wilcox, 38, ... Suggestion: A policeman, Wilcox, late 30s, waves them down.
They both start to tip-toe (avoid: start to) They tip-toe is sufficient.
and start pouring out – (avoid: 'and start') The pods crack open with a bright light, oozing a green slime. Hundreds of the creatures begin to chase.
Suggestion: Hundreds of creatures give chase Avoid: 'begin to'
Think of what we're looking at on screen.
Wilson reloads his AR-15 ( reloads the rifle, opens fire) and opens fire again. Screams (squeals?)of the creatures are ear shattering. Wilson tries to reload again, (reloads again) but DROPS the magazine. No time to it. They are starting to cover the El Camino as Wilson draws his service weapon and start shooting.
Suggestion: As above with suggested edits, or: Wilson reloads the rifle. Unloads a shower of bullets. He opens fire again. The creatures rear up, ear-splitting shrieks.
He attempts to reload, drops the magazine, fumbles for it - It drops to the ground. Frantic, Wilson draws his service revolver.
Fragmented action lines are fine.
Frank switches seats with Chad. (That's way too static) versus: Quick! Switch seats! Or: Slide over, quick!
Covers Choose active verbs: Instead of covers – use wedges (it into the opening), or blocksbars the opening. Perhaps add something like: Uses the full force of his body weight behind it.
Instead of 'holds' Grips, anchors, forces, etc. See the difference with the more active verb, the rhythm of the words, how changing verbs ups the pace and intensity.
We'll die for sure if you open that door. (too sedate, too long, consider the urgency) Try: If you open that door, we're dead! Or: Open that door, we're mince-meat! Use colloquialisms to add colour.
The creatures on the outside are putting up a fight. A swarm of them cover every inch of the car, tearing, clawing their way in. Claws coming through on the edges. One claw CUTS Franks hand..
Instead of: 'are putting up a fight’ - The creatures snarl, claw, bite, tearing their way in. A razor sharp claw snags Frank’s hand, draws blood.
[i]Chad grabs the gun. Hands shaking like mad. He puts in a new Clip
Suggest something like: Eyes wide, hands shaking, Chad loads another clip. He fumbles... The clip engages - Just in time.
The backpack is starting to give out.
A claw tears through the backpack - A tear in the backpack opens up - A beam/shaft of light in the darkened car.
THE BLOODY REAR WINDOW STARTS TO CRACK. (No need for CAPS) The bloodied rear window cracks, a web of splintering glass. Then - The passenger-side window cracks.
The SUN starts shining through the greasy, slimy windows. Suggest: Sun shines, breaking through the bloodied and slime-coated vehicle.
The clawing abates - Until you hear nothing.
Delete: ''you hear'.
Suggestion:
Until...
Nothing.
Complete silence.
Both brothers hold their breath.
EXT. EL CAMINO - DAY Should be: EXT. ROAD - DAY The El Camino is trashed. Tires all blown out, smashed glass, dents and bite marks.
Frank stands outside with the shotgun resting on his shoulder. Chads by his side. Too sedate.
Your ending suggests that particular fight was won but that the battle continues.
You can still have them relax a bit but the 'shotgun resting' implies we're done, safe, over. Btw, a rifle and shotgun are two different weapons, right?
ON SCREEN: TOWN BURNT DOWN. SMOKE BILLOWING UP IN THE AIR AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE. THE DISCS ARE GONE. BACK TO THE SCENE:
You could Insert. But, preferably just write what they're looking at. Perhaps have them stand on a high vantage point to witness the city below, ablaze, .smoke billows from buildings... etc.
Where Frank and Chad are located suggests suburbia or a small town perimeter of the city.
Suggestion: EXT. ROAD - DAY
On the move, senses on high alert. Frank leads the way, Chad close at heel.
Past burned out shops, abandoned vehicles, (corpses/the dead, perhaps?), trudging through the sludge of dead crab detritus, surely?
Instead of: Frank walks over to the brick and metal roof shop. Chad follows. Frank kicks open the side door.
Suggestion:
They come to -
EXT. AUTO REPAIR SHOP - DAY - LATER
Boarded up at the front.
Frank surveills the back, a side door. He kicks it open.
Do away with this: ON SCREEN: 1978 MINT MAT-BLACK FORD BRONCO 4X4.
Delete: ON SCREEN: 1978 MINT MAT-BLACK FORD BRONCO 4X4. (in the shop)
Frank and Chad throw the cover off (or:'to reveal) a mint 1978 black Ford Bronco (or) A black 1978 Ford Bronco in pristine condition.
EXT. ROAD - DAY - LATER The Bronco sits by the kerb.
INT. CAR - Frank turns the ignition The Bronco's engine ROARS to life.
CHAD What are we going to do now, Frankie?
Frank looks at Chad, smiles.
FRANK We're going to survive, little brother.
EXT. ROAD The wheels spin, dirt flies up, as the Bronco speeds off into the night.
Who knows you could even have a post-script shot at the end as one of the crab thingimies flies up, attaches itself to the car bumper, clings on for dear life.
... Plenty of suspense, action packed, the writing just needs more experience and finessing, grammar, punctuation fixes etc.
Spqr makes a great point about the crabs effectively being the foot-soldiers. I concur that there needs to be a big-boss 'overlord' as he put it. The big guys therefore are the ones doing the major damage.
This has a War Of The Worlds/Cloverfield feel to it. It's action packed. Needs tweaks.
A few suggestions, using some of your text as example:
Chad is looking out the rear window. (avoid: is looking) Chad looks out the rear window - will suffice. creatures come pouring out. Suggestion: Hundreds of crab-like creatures unleash, swarming the vehicle.
As long as your sentence is active and progressive you can still use those 'ing'words.
They see a policeman waving them down. Officer Wilcox, 38, ... Suggestion: A policeman, Wilcox, late 30s, waves them down.
They both start to tip-toe (avoid: start to) They tip-toe is sufficient.
and start pouring out – (avoid: 'and start') The pods crack open with a bright light, oozing a green slime. Hundreds of the creatures begin to chase.
Suggestion: Hundreds of creatures give chase Avoid: 'begin to'
Think of what we're looking at on screen.
Wilson reloads his AR-15 ( reloads the rifle, opens fire) and opens fire again. Screams (squeals?)of the creatures are ear shattering. Wilson tries to reload again, (reloads again) but DROPS the magazine. No time to it. They are starting to cover the El Camino as Wilson draws his service weapon and start shooting.
Suggestion: As above with suggested edits, or: Wilson reloads the rifle. Unloads a shower of bullets. He opens fire again. The creatures rear up, ear-splitting shrieks.
He attempts to reload, drops the magazine, fumbles for it - It drops to the ground. Frantic, Wilson draws his service revolver.
Fragmented action lines are fine.
Frank switches seats with Chad. (That's way too static) versus: Quick! Switch seats! Or: Slide over, quick!
Covers Choose active verbs: Instead of covers – use wedges (it into the opening), or blocksbars the opening. Perhaps add something like: Uses the full force of his body weight behind it.
Instead of 'holds' Grips, anchors, forces, etc. See the difference with the more active verb, the rhythm of the words, how changing verbs ups the pace and intensity.
We'll die for sure if you open that door. (too sedate, too long, consider the urgency) Try: If you open that door, we're dead! Or: Open that door, we're mince-meat! Use colloquialisms to add colour.
The creatures on the outside are putting up a fight. A swarm of them cover every inch of the car, tearing, clawing their way in. Claws coming through on the edges. One claw CUTS Franks hand..
Instead of: 'are putting up a fight’ - The creatures snarl, claw, bite, tearing their way in. A razor sharp claw snags Frank’s hand, draws blood.
[i]Chad grabs the gun. Hands shaking like mad. He puts in a new Clip
Suggest something like: Eyes wide, hands shaking, Chad loads another clip. He fumbles... The clip engages - Just in time.
The backpack is starting to give out.
A claw tears through the backpack - A tear in the backpack opens up - A beam/shaft of light in the darkened car.
THE BLOODY REAR WINDOW STARTS TO CRACK. (No need for CAPS) The bloodied rear window cracks, a web of splintering glass. Then - The passenger-side window cracks.
The SUN starts shining through the greasy, slimy windows. Suggest: Sun shines, breaking through the bloodied and slime-coated vehicle.
The clawing abates - Until you hear nothing.
Delete: ''you hear'.
Suggestion:
Until...
Nothing.
Complete silence.
Both brothers hold their breath.
EXT. EL CAMINO - DAY Should be: EXT. ROAD - DAY The El Camino is trashed. Tires all blown out, smashed glass, dents and bite marks.
Frank stands outside with the shotgun resting on his shoulder. Chads by his side. Too sedate.
Your ending suggests that particular fight was won but that the battle continues.
You can still have them relax a bit but the 'shotgun resting' implies we're done, safe, over. Btw, a rifle and shotgun are two different weapons, right?
ON SCREEN: TOWN BURNT DOWN. SMOKE BILLOWING UP IN THE AIR AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE. THE DISCS ARE GONE. BACK TO THE SCENE:
You could Insert. But, preferably just write what they're looking at. Perhaps have them stand on a high vantage point to witness the city below, ablaze, .smoke billows from buildings... etc.
Where Frank and Chad are located suggests suburbia or a small town perimeter of the city.
Suggestion: EXT. ROAD - DAY
On the move, senses on high alert. Frank leads the way, Chad close at heel.
Past burned out shops, abandoned vehicles, (corpses/the dead, perhaps?), trudging through the sludge of dead crab detritus, surely?
Instead of: Frank walks over to the brick and metal roof shop. Chad follows. Frank kicks open the side door.
Suggestion:
They come to -
EXT. AUTO REPAIR SHOP - DAY - LATER
Boarded up at the front.
Frank surveills the back, a side door. He kicks it open.
Do away with this: ON SCREEN: 1978 MINT MAT-BLACK FORD BRONCO 4X4.
Delete: ON SCREEN: 1978 MINT MAT-BLACK FORD BRONCO 4X4. (in the shop)
Frank and Chad throw the cover off (or:'to reveal) a mint 1978 black Ford Bronco (or) A black 1978 Ford Bronco in pristine condition.
EXT. ROAD - DAY - LATER The Bronco sits by the kerb.
INT. CAR - Frank's turns the ignition The Bronco's engine ROARS to life.
CHAD What are we going to do now, Frankie?
Frank looks at Chad, smiles.
FRANK We're going to survive, little brother.
EXT. ROAD The wheels spin, dirt flies up, as the Bronco speeds off into the night.
Who knows you could even have a post-script shot at the end as one of the crab thingimies flies up, attaches itself to the car bumper, clings on for dear life.
... Plenty of suspense, action packed, the writing just needs more experience and finessing, grammar, punctuation fixes etc.
I didn't enter this time around so don't feel obligated to comment on all. I'm guessing the writer is starting out and thought I could offer a few tips.
I'll agree there's a story here. And, kudos for writing the first script I've ever seen where the leads are saved by a WeatherTech floor mat. Never thought I'd see that.
Unfortunately, the typos and passive writing were just too much for me to overcome. VERY distracting.
Fortunately for you, LC writes some of the most thorough reviews around... and, she's got you covered. Follow her advice to the letter, and apply it to every script you write going forward.
The real good news: story is the hard part... and the most important part.
Get the distractions out of the way, and let your story do its thing!
Thanks for sharing.
PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Spqr makes a great point about the crabs effectively being the foot-soldiers. I concur that there needs to be a big-boss 'overlord' as he put it. The big guys therefore are the ones doing the major damage.
This has a War Of The Worlds/Cloverfield feel to it. It's action packed. Needs tweaks.
A few suggestions, using some of your text as example:
Chad is looking out the rear window. (avoid: is looking) Chad looks out the rear window - will suffice. creatures come pouring out. Suggestion: Hundreds of crab-like creatures unleash, swarming the vehicle.
As long as your sentence is active and progressive you can still use those 'ing'words.
They see a policeman waving them down. Officer Wilcox, 38, ... Suggestion: A policeman, Wilcox, late 30s, waves them down.
They both start to tip-toe (avoid: start to) They tip-toe is sufficient.
and start pouring out – (avoid: 'and start') The pods crack open with a bright light, oozing a green slime. Hundreds of the creatures begin to chase.
Suggestion: Hundreds of creatures give chase Avoid: 'begin to'
Think of what we're looking at on screen.
Wilson reloads his AR-15 ( reloads the rifle, opens fire) and opens fire again. Screams (squeals?)of the creatures are ear shattering. Wilson tries to reload again, (reloads again) but DROPS the magazine. No time to it. They are starting to cover the El Camino as Wilson draws his service weapon and start shooting.
Suggestion: As above with suggested edits, or: Wilson reloads the rifle. Unloads a shower of bullets. He opens fire again. The creatures rear up, ear-splitting shrieks.
He attempts to reload, drops the magazine, fumbles for it - It drops to the ground. Frantic, Wilson draws his service revolver.
Fragmented action lines are fine.
Frank switches seats with Chad. (That's way too static) versus: Quick! Switch seats! Or: Slide over, quick!
Covers Choose active verbs: Instead of covers – use wedges (it into the opening), or blocksbars the opening. Perhaps add something like: Uses the full force of his body weight behind it.
Instead of 'holds' Grips, anchors, forces, etc. See the difference with the more active verb, the rhythm of the words, how changing verbs ups the pace and intensity.
We'll die for sure if you open that door. (too sedate, too long, consider the urgency) Try: If you open that door, we're dead! Or: Open that door, we're mince-meat! Use colloquialisms to add colour.
The creatures on the outside are putting up a fight. A swarm of them cover every inch of the car, tearing, clawing their way in. Claws coming through on the edges. One claw CUTS Franks hand..
Instead of: 'are putting up a fight’ - The creatures snarl, claw, bite, tearing their way in. A razor sharp claw snags Frank’s hand, draws blood.
[i]Chad grabs the gun. Hands shaking like mad. He puts in a new Clip
Suggest something like: Eyes wide, hands shaking, Chad loads another clip. He fumbles... The clip engages - Just in time.
The backpack is starting to give out.
A claw tears through the backpack - A tear in the backpack opens up - A beam/shaft of light in the darkened car.
THE BLOODY REAR WINDOW STARTS TO CRACK. (No need for CAPS) The bloodied rear window cracks, a web of splintering glass. Then - The passenger-side window cracks.
The SUN starts shining through the greasy, slimy windows. Suggest: Sun shines, breaking through the bloodied and slime-coated vehicle.
The clawing abates - Until you hear nothing.
Delete: ''you hear'.
Suggestion:
Until...
Nothing.
Complete silence.
Both brothers hold their breath.
EXT. EL CAMINO - DAY Should be: EXT. ROAD - DAY The El Camino is trashed. Tires all blown out, smashed glass, dents and bite marks.
Frank stands outside with the shotgun resting on his shoulder. Chads by his side. Too sedate.
Your ending suggests that particular fight was won but that the battle continues.
You can still have them relax a bit but the 'shotgun resting' implies we're done, safe, over. Btw, a rifle and shotgun are two different weapons, right?
ON SCREEN: TOWN BURNT DOWN. SMOKE BILLOWING UP IN THE AIR AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE. THE DISCS ARE GONE. BACK TO THE SCENE:
You could Insert. But, preferably just write what they're looking at. Perhaps have them stand on a high vantage point to witness the city below, ablaze, .smoke billows from buildings... etc.
Where Frank and Chad are located suggests suburbia or a small town perimeter of the city.
Suggestion: EXT. ROAD - DAY
On the move, senses on high alert. Frank leads the way, Chad close at heel.
Past burned out shops, abandoned vehicles, (corpses/the dead, perhaps?), trudging through the sludge of dead crab detritus, surely?
Instead of: Frank walks over to the brick and metal roof shop. Chad follows. Frank kicks open the side door.
Suggestion:
They come to -
EXT. AUTO REPAIR SHOP - DAY - LATER
Boarded up at the front.
Frank surveills the back, a side door. He kicks it open.
Do away with this: ON SCREEN: 1978 MINT MAT-BLACK FORD BRONCO 4X4.
Delete: ON SCREEN: 1978 MINT MAT-BLACK FORD BRONCO 4X4. (in the shop)
Frank and Chad throw the cover off (or:'to reveal) a mint 1978 black Ford Bronco (or) A black 1978 Ford Bronco in pristine condition.
EXT. ROAD - DAY - LATER The Bronco sits by the kerb.
INT. CAR - Frank turns the ignition The Bronco's engine ROARS to life.
CHAD What are we going to do now, Frankie?
Frank looks at Chad, smiles.
FRANK We're going to survive, little brother.
EXT. ROAD The wheels spin, dirt flies up, as the Bronco speeds off into the night.
Who knows you could even have a post-script shot at the end as one of the crab thingimies flies up, attaches itself to the car bumper, clings on for dear life.
... Plenty of suspense, action packed, the writing just needs more experience and finessing, grammar, punctuation fixes etc.
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El Camino Infierno - OWC
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