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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April, 2019 One Week Challenge  ›  The Furnace Of War - OWC Moderators: Zack
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  Author    The Furnace Of War - OWC  (currently 1456 views)
MarkItZero
Posted: April 25th, 2019, 9:17pm Report to Moderator
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Loved most of this except for the dialogue pg. 5-7 which I think could be tightened up considerably. The descriptions were great. Built to an atmosphere of dread.

The ending didn't leave me satisfied. It was a lot of (skillful) build up for a very short confrontation that goes as expected, unkillable force obliterates them.

To me, Walters is the perfect opposition for this vengeful, hate-filled spirit. Walters seems the least bloodthirsty, most humane of the group. So you have the terrified, innocent rookie going up against the ultimate vengeful spirit. Maybe he takes the gunner spot as all hope seems lost... he could still lose... but at least give us hope before you crush it so the final battle is more of a roller coaster.

Overall, great job!


That rug really tied the room together.

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MarkItZero  -  April 25th, 2019, 9:51pm
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Spqr
Posted: April 26th, 2019, 12:45pm Report to Moderator
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Good ghost story. Nice dialogue, but there was too much of it. The story that Walters and then Smith relate make a great story to tell over a beer in a pub, but that works better in a short story than in a movie. Perhaps some of the dialogue could be worked in over shots of the Luftwaffe pilot exploring more of Dresden the night it burned.
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PKCardinal
Posted: April 29th, 2019, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
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Dialogue needs to be swapped out for action. Basically, the telling of the ghost story in dialogue (way too much exposition) kills any suspense when the actual attack happens. That's because the attack lines up exactly with what you've told us. That is, you tell us what's going to happen, then it does.

Much better if you would have shown us the origin story through action.

I love me a good WW2 bomber story, so, kudos for giving me a pretty good one.

The dialogue that wasn't exposition was pretty snappy.

Oh, and, maybe you need to establish the history of this particular bomber. As far as we know, they weren't involved in the offending act... so, the ghost would spare them. However, what if the bomber itself was... but, this is a different crew? That would be fun.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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