SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 6:23pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April, 2019 One Week Challenge  ›  Kármán Line - OWC Moderators: Zack
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Kármán Line - OWC  (currently 1045 views)
DustinBowcot
Posted: April 27th, 2019, 3:18am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Six pages and so far not much has happened aside from a rocket going into space. Seems to me you could have started this story at page 7.

The ending fell flat for me. I did enjoy the alien scene but that didn't make the previous six pages worth it. Too long. This story could actually be told without a space ship at all. Just 4 astronauts sitting on a porch with flashbacks to the abduction.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 15 - 18
LC
Posted: April 27th, 2019, 9:53am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7581
Posts Per Day
1.34
I see you wrote one of your character's dialogue in the vein of Ben Kingsley in Sexy Beast.  

It was a bit pedestrian to begin with.
Characters could have done with a little more defining to show their contrasting personalities more, (a jokester at least amongst them,) but I liked your choice of vehicle  (I really thought we were going to see many more cars in this challenge), glad we didn't.

I liked the choice they made not to become 'lab rats'.
The debriefing on the porch in the final scene didn't really work for me. What, so they're going back?

I would have liked a more disturbing, vague ending similar to The Astronaut's Wife where we're not quite sure how they've been affected but we are left knowing it's not good.

Good effort, just a bit too much spelling it all out in graphic detail for me.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 16 - 18
PKCardinal
Posted: April 29th, 2019, 5:52pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Kansas
Posts
1447
Posts Per Day
0.63
What's your story... and what elements are absolutely essential to telling that story? in this case, the launch sequence... while excellent... was completely unnecessary to the story. Which, sadly broke the whole script. Why? Because you really needed more pages to finish the story you were actually telling... and, you had to cut the ending short because of the wasted pages upfront.

Again, it was all good. Just, unfortunately, not needed.

In the end, I was left unsatisfied. With no explanation of the event and no consequences as a result of the event, there is no story.

Good writing, though.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 17 - 18
TheUsualSuspect
Posted: May 1st, 2019, 9:23am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Canada
Posts
351
Posts Per Day
0.05
You should start the story with them already in space, Lose the launch build-up and add more context to the happenings. I have no idea why this happened and can only assume cliched Alien stuff.

No real suspense for me and the horror aspect was extremely minimal. Space Horror is ripe for literally ANYTHING to happen and you go with a basic alien abduction story with no real pay-off. Felt very much like SPHERE to me, where the encounter something alien-like and "decide" to forget. Or in this case....allude to it.

Very visually written though, I had no issues picturing where I was or what was happening. I guess I just wanted more.


A Picture Is Worth

If you want me to read your script, send me a link.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 18 - 18
 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    April, 2019 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006