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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April, 2019 One Week Challenge  ›  Protocol 25 - OWC Moderators: Zack
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Don
Posted: April 19th, 2019, 9:56pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Protocol 25 by Menhaden Ainn and Nick Linkoven - Short, Horror - An injured woman finds herself trapped in an ambulance with the guy she injured who's also a serial killer. 7 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 2:58am Report to Moderator
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First, congrats on "entering."

After a first skim, and then a second read, the main thing that stands out for me is that I'm lost at sea.   It started off promising enough.  It took some work to figure out who these people were, and just how they were supposed to be revealed to me.  We start with Irene, then the other driver of the car, who turns out to be a serial killer... but I'm not so sure.  Then we have the EMT in back with them (who ends up killing the alleged serial killer - Then the EMT is about to kill Irene.  But she does a few jedi mind tricks -- ends up killing him instead.  Now she starts rambling (methinks she may have mental issues)  Now Irene "covers her butt," well tries to.  Then - there is the driver upfront.  Who I think is the real serial killer.   Something about all this just is not coming together in a natural way for me.

- Nitpick: “Just stay calm ma’am.”  Need a comma somewhere in there.  You got it right, earlier.
- If you are not going to give us any description of your characters, then at least give them an age.  

The writing is good. I mean that in more than the standard polite brush-off way. But I'm just not feeling this overall.   Maybe I'll take another pass.  -Andrea


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Zack
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 2:26pm Report to Moderator
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Hey there, Writer.

Right off the bat, I don't like the logline. Why spoil the fact that the other victim is a serial killer?

I like the concept of body swapping. A lot of potential here. Unfortunately there's not much else to it besides a fun premise. You had five more pages to play around and really build some suspense. As it is, it just feels rushed.

No issues with the actual writing, so that's good.

I'd really like to see this one get expanded on after the challenge.

Good effort.

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Zack  -  April 23rd, 2019, 10:20pm
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 3:46pm Report to Moderator
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Not sure what to say here.  Alot going on that's very unclear, and you did nothing to try and make it clear.

I guess we've got some kind of entity that can go from body to body, but with no reason why or even that that's what's going, again, hard to follow or really care.

One huge mistake is not naming the EMS guy, Frank, as we know that's his name.  Looks terrible with EMS guy over and over.

I guess compared to the dredge that I've read so far, this isn't all that bad, but that's only from comparing this to 6 scripts I've read that received zero stars or 1 star, so that's not really saying all that much.

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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
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This read okay, definitely in a vehicle and definitely horror, formatting fine and flows well.

But the bodyswap thing just didn't work for me, it wasn't set up well enough to convince.

Given the short nature of the challenge it may just have worked better having the twist that Irene is the killer not the guy on the stretcher/gurney.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
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ericdickson
Posted: April 21st, 2019, 6:09pm Report to Moderator
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I dug this okay.  Nice, subtle hints at a body swap scenario.  

There's a whole lot of fighting, sticking, killing and banging going on in the back of this ambulance.  What's the driver doing?  He got the music cranked?  Perhaps if you had the sirens as well as the lights.  He's oblivious.  

As soon as she straps herself back in, you know the driver's the killer.  This was okay but without any real place to go other than the obvious ending.  

  
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 22nd, 2019, 5:38am Report to Moderator
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There are moments when the writing is awkward, as if rushed, but then the rest is perfectly clear.

It had suspense and horror, plus a vehicle so it ticks all the boxes. I figured out there was body swapping going on but not why, or why with Irene, to quote 'It’s starting to dawn on her now' she just figured out a serial killer entity had swapped bodies?

Still, I think you are onto something here. It just needs fleshing out. Good effort!


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK

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MarkRenshaw  -  April 22nd, 2019, 10:17am
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Britman
Posted: April 22nd, 2019, 8:18am Report to Moderator
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This was alright.

Not calling EMS Attendant by his real name was a bad mistake.

Some of the descriptions were clunky and not visual enough and because of that lacked suspense for me.

I get what you were trying to do but it didn't pay off for me.

Writing was proficient and technically sound. Perhaps a few rewrites will make this a lot better.


Producer/Director of The Dollmaker by Matias Caruso
Producer/Director of So Pretty/Dark by James Williams
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: April 22nd, 2019, 10:34pm Report to Moderator
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Right off the top. Title page. Can't miss it.
In the near future, Courier font between 12 and 14pt, no bigger, not bolder.
When you shout gimmick, that's my first impression.

Wouldn't it save you a lot of time and trouble just to name the EMS attendant Frank?
BTW, EMS paramedics will often strap injured/sick people down before the patient is loaded in the back of the van. and...one more thing. Dispatch will never casually use profanity (especially the f bomb) over the radio. And how does the Dispatch know that's the suspected killer and what was in the back of his trunk? What was the first description of his car? Mangled.

The man is not identified. The police do not tell the EMTs anything. The EMTs load a suspected killer and the other driver in the same van. So...how does the dispatch know who he is...?

Why does the the EMS Frank keep smiling at Irene? Why does Irene feel threated when Frank gets morphine (?) ready for the suspected killer? It's not for her, and even if it is, it's only a sedative. This tale better get better, fast.


Quoted Text
Think of all the innocent people
this man killed. Young girls,
tortured and killed. Even women
your age.


So Frank kills the man.  >
He doesn't know who he is. He violates his oath.
He lies to the driver (implausible)
Irene says "okay". Thinks she's in danger. I suppose at this point there was a case of mistaken identity. It's the only logic here. Speaking of logic...


Quoted Text
IRENE
Driver!!


It's a stretch that Frank lies about the "accidental death". It's more incredible that in all that scuffle, the Driver did not hear or see any of it. That's asking a lot. Logic does not apply here, as a reveal comes out of nowhere. I'm sorry. I don't get it. Oh, you might say, The Killer swapped identity with the Driver. See, you should get it, that's clever!

No, no it isn't. It doesn't make any sense. Frank is a self proclaimed vigilante; but he wouls know what THE DRIVER he works with looks like. And when did the killer have the opporunity to make the switch? See? Not as clever anymore, is it?

Nice effort though. Could have been better.









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Warren
Posted: April 23rd, 2019, 12:01am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
Not sure what to say here.  Alot going on that's very unclear, and you did nothing to try and make it clear.

I guess we've got some kind of entity that can go from body to body, but with no reason why or even that that's what's going, again, hard to follow or really care.



MOMENTS LATER...



Quoted from Dreamscale
You don't need to be spoon fed, Warren.  Not everything has to be explained, especially in a short.

You either go with it, or you don't, I guess.


Sorry but this cracked me up.


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Warren
Posted: April 23rd, 2019, 12:24am Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

I think you should have given the EMS attendant a name.

Another one that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, and the thing is you still had 5 or so pages to give it the depth it needed.

How did the driver not hear any of the commotion?

Anyway, congrats on getting an entry in. Not for me.

All the best.





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stevie
Posted: April 23rd, 2019, 12:48am Report to Moderator
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If I hadn’t of read the other reviews first I would have no idea what was going on lol. Look, this has great potential but it needed to be thought through more; I’m guessing the writer was strapped for time?

Reminded me a bit of the classic scene on The Silence Of The Lambs when Lector escapes from the authorities and pretends to be one of the dead cops in the ambulance.



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Dreamscale
Posted: April 23rd, 2019, 5:12pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Warren


MOMENTS LATER...




Sorry but this cracked me up.


Warren, as you often seem to do, you're missing the point...completely, and if you honestly don't realize that, you have issues.

Clarity was not what was being discussed on the other thread.  It was very clear what was going on, and it was very clear that it was a Lovecraftian tale, and if you personally were unclear, you could easily spend a few minutes and use google.

That is not the case here at all, as there's nothing anyone can google to figure out or understand what's happening.  Totally different situation.

Don't you get that?

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LC
Posted: April 23rd, 2019, 5:53pm Report to Moderator
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If the debate continues between you two, and becomes not pertinent to this thread you might want to take it to here:
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-April2019/m-1555734008/s-30/
or:

Ah, cool...

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1556059353/s-0/highlight-/#num0


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ReneC
Posted: April 23rd, 2019, 8:17pm Report to Moderator
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I guess nobody's seen Fallen with Denzel Washington.

This has a very Azazel vibe, which I really wasn't expecting. I thought the logline was a fake out and it would turn out they were both serial killers. That's an idea I had a while ago.

Instead, this is a body possessing entity, which is fine. It works, for the most part, though some of the action confused me. Why did he go for the scalpel at all? Just because Irene deliberately baited him with the idea? He isn't really trying to hide, he's being obvious to Irene, so why isn't he concerned about the driver? He doesn't seem to have a plan at all.

I think a lot of this was forced to make the story work. It all seems very implausible. I did like the protocol 25 bit though, that was cool, only the dispatch operator wouldn't swear over the airways. That's a violation of FCC rules, but like everything else, it seems procedure and rules are made to fit the story.

Not a bad story, it does need work though. Something to make us care about Irene wouldn't hurt too.


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