SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 7:49am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April, 2019 One Week Challenge  ›  The Gathering - OWC Moderators: Zack
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 3 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    The Gathering - OWC  (currently 2564 views)
Don
Posted: April 19th, 2019, 10:10pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
The Gathering by Dale Creams - Short, Horror - Something has arrived with a storm outside Santa Fe, New Mexico, and it brings a gift to mankind that will keep on giving.  11 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
ericdickson
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 10:03am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Orlando, FL
Posts
322
Posts Per Day
0.05
I kept waiting for some sort of pet revolt - like all the neighborhood dogs and cats trapping the remaining humans in their homes.  The scene with Jake getting struck in the underbelly by the road carcass was very John Carpenter's The Thing.  I was hyped to see these pets going wild and tearing shit up.  This is the suspense you built in the opening pages only for the focus to shift to Bill and Austin in the Range Rover - which technically never served a true purpose within the story, only to meet the criteria of the contest.    

I felt you hit a wall with not including a vehicle and went this direction?

I didn't get the Ride The Lightning concept other than its obvious reference to Metallica.  Who is riding the lightning?  Who are these things that came from the storm and what is The Gathering?   In order for this story to work we need to know more about these beings.  At least some subtle hints as to what their main objective is.  

As for overall format, this is well written and easy to visualize.  I just never felt any kind of prolonged suspense or tension.    
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 38
AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 5:10pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4319
Posts Per Day
1.14
Nicely written script, formatted well and an easy read.

But, this dcefinitely does not center around a vehicle so is outside of the parameters - second one that's done this and I've only read 3 so far ;-(

However, I quite liked the idea and it had a bit of a Bodysnatcher/Thing crossover vibe to it.

So I liked it but not for this OWC.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 2 - 38
JEStaats
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
1735
Posts Per Day
0.62
This was really well written and follows all the, shall we say, best practices. I definitely know who wrote this. Good job.

Story wise, I wish there was more. Not a lot of conflict or challenge. Too easy a takeover for whatever it is. I needed Austin to put up more of a fight, or even the girls. And maybe they do and we just don't see. Otherwise, we all go out with a whimper.

Quality work, it just needed something more.

Revision History (1 edits)
JEStaats  -  April 20th, 2019, 6:59pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 38
stevie
Posted: April 21st, 2019, 9:17pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Down Under
Posts
3441
Posts Per Day
0.61
First I want to give some advice to new writers - its good practice to use a SUPER asap to establish when and where the opening scene/s are taking place. Once thats in then the reader knows the location  and - if its a period piece - the year. This script has the location in the log but I would still have a SUPER early just so we know.

Loved the concept of this and its well written (no wrylies or orphans in this bitch lol) but it fizzled away dramatically around when Bill turned up. I woulda just left Austin there to battle whatever was going on. And the dribble that Bill was talking became farcical. There was too much stuff going on that wasn't gonna be covered in 12 pages so the ending was just like...meh.

The vehicle part of the criteria is not met at all!  its just thrown in there and adds nothing to the story lol! Anyway I liked the first third of it but it went downhill from there.

Almost forgot a couple of gram errors: you spell hell in dialogue with a capital H and you misspelt lightning in Bills talk too



Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 38
ReneC
Posted: April 22nd, 2019, 2:21pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Vancouver, BC
Posts
1435
Posts Per Day
0.31
This is well written, aside from some spelling issues that have already been called out. The dialogue is especially strong, and the visuals are up there too.

The pace is all over the place. It starts off way too slowly with no conflict. A cat and a dog being a cat and a dog isn't conflict. Jake and the coyote kick off the story, maybe it should start there. You don't really need the phone call, it's exposition that leads nowhere since the ending is just kind of tacked on for effect anyway. Really, this all boils down to mentioning a storm (you don't even have to show it), the coyote encounter, Bill showing up and acting weird, the car scene, and an ending.

The ending here doesn't work for me since I don't care a jot for the women. There's no emotional impact.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say this does indeed qualify for the OWC. The people are the vehicles. We just don't know what for. The Range Rover scene is suspenseful and does involve a vehicle, so you fulfilled that criteria too. But it is a stretch.

Nice job entering. It's not really original, but the Range Rover scene won me over.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 5 - 38
Dreamscale
Posted: April 22nd, 2019, 7:58pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Title page - the stuff about the script requiring permission is very oddly against the far left side.  Just looks weird.

1st half of Page 1 is well written and visual, but do we really need all this visual detail?

OK, 1 and a 1/2 pages in and nothing has really happened.  I assume the storm "brought" something with it, based on the logline, but it's moving slowly.

Now, 2 and a 1/2 pages in and still very little.  I see some character in Austin, but not much, and again, just have to say too slow, bro...but I do feel something is about to happen...or at least, it fucking better!  

OK, bottom of Page 3 and we have some action...horror?  I can see Carpenter's The Thing in the dog pen here.

Page 4 - Do we really need this newscaster thing?  Well...let's see if we do...

Page 5 - writing is very solid, still.  Things have picked up, but there's no vehicle, and it appears Austin is fucked.

I like the animals licking each other...kinda creepy.

Finally!  We have our vehicle!

And there we have "The Gathering".  Hmmm...OK...but what about the suspense and the vehicle?

Page 9 - Good...you delivered.

Oh boy...the dreaded double line wrylie!  Really?

And then, you've got 3 misspellings of "lightning"!  Really?  I could have sworn there was lightning early on...let's see...yeah, OK, you spelled it right on Page 1, fucked it up here somehow.  No biggie.

OK, the end.  I like it.  Writing's good.  Dialogue's very good.  I think you nailed the horror and even vehicular suspense, but this story does not revolve around a vehicle.  It's also reminiscent of several movies - Body Snatchers, PuppetMasters, probably a few more.  far from unique, but as I said in a recent review of the zombie in the ambulance, this is well conceived and things fall into place quite nicely.

It's a solid job.

****
Logged
e-mail Reply: 6 - 38
ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: April 22nd, 2019, 11:27pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
A helluva long way from LA
Posts
1565
Posts Per Day
0.29
They're here! They're here!

No it’s not a carbon copy of Invasion of the Body Snatchers... but the inspiration is there. Very good. Very well written.  As usual, I was impressed with your grasp of the craft.  

The dark ending, I liked it.  Well, I think it was dark.  Sure it lacked punch, but I think the page count works against you here.  I'm glad you didn't ruin a dark story with a sappy happy ending.  Hollywood loves those.  Often times I prefer dark endings.  The world isn’t always a happy place.   It's all about leaving your audience with a feeling of impact and sometimes nothing does that better than a dark depressing ending.  But it seems I’m in the minority here.  

Rene C. makes a valid point.   And I concur.  Screw GOOGLE.  Think of your body as a vehicle.  A spirit steps into your body, and uses your body, your language and your gestures to communicate for itself.  Well, if you believe in that sort of thing.  Shit.  I'm rambling. Regardless I think you met the parameters.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 38
Matthew Taylor
Posted: April 23rd, 2019, 7:13am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
1770
Posts Per Day
0.89
Hello writer

Thunder before lightning? seems odd.

You switch from Range Rover to Land Rover - no big deal, comes with the time constraint of the challenge - but should be consistent

You could very easily have gotten rid of the small page 11 with a bit of rewriting - makes it look cleaner.

Alright, I'm done - I enjoyed the read, you are clearly a good writer - The vehicle was light, too light for the parameters of the challenge - I'll dock points in my scoring for that.

You nailed the suspense, but horror? not horror for me really - I also feel like body snatcher story lines have been done to death.

I also felt a bit deflated at the end, what was this thing that rode the lightning? and what is the point of taking hosts? is it a parasite? Joining the gathering didn't really seem that bad lol he was still him, his memories - but happier.

Anyway. Congrats on completeing the challenge

Matt


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 38
James McClung
Posted: April 23rd, 2019, 9:47pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Washington, D.C.
Posts
3293
Posts Per Day
0.49
This was a decent effort. It's certainly well written from a technical perspective, albeit a little verbose (I didn't mind this, although there were moments of redundancy; how many times do we need to be reminded it's raining/lightning). Not much by way of character development, but it's a simple relatable setup, and the dialogue more or less works. A basic (and thus strategic) concept for the OWC; sustainable with much potential for conflict, but simple enough that it doesn't require a massive setup that pushes the page limit.

That said, I did find this to be a bit generic and honestly lacking in conflict. There're some interesting confrontations with the animals early on, but they're resolved almost immediately. The human encounters play out in basically the exact same way. I'd think there'd be some sort of visual fallout to the "infected" (perhaps a change in skin tone or speech patterns), but not so much. It's all pretty cursory, but it does build and move along, which is fair enough given the constraints of the challenge.

Only thing I really didn't like was the use of the vehicle. There's no reason Bill wouldn't have turned Austin immediately at the house. They needed to get in the car to meet the challenge and that's it. Doesn't strike me as having had much effort put into it, but I can't know that for sure, to be fair.

Fine entry for the purposes of the challenges. Definitely not crazy about it in and of itself but didn't find it particularly off-putting either. Might not fare well in this challenge as far as being memorable though. Good job in any case.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 38
Warren
Posted: April 24th, 2019, 12:24am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.36
Hi writer,

Not a whole lot going on in the first 3 pages, except for the one incident. I think you could probably have gotten there sooner.

A lot a detail about how much everyone weighs, is that really necessary? 275 pounds seems very specific. I think it would be better to describe their body shape, it’s a lot more visual that a weigh. Maybe something like BILL, 50, rotund or overweight or anything other than a specific weight.

Not sure what the take away is.

The dialogue was on the nose in places.

Can’t say I loved it.

All the best.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 38
MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 24th, 2019, 6:51am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
2335
Posts Per Day
0.59
The first 2 pages of this horror is the MC playing with his pets. Page 3 and he’s talking to his wife via a tablet , his very attractive wife I might add. This is indeed horrific.

“And if you’ve just tuned in” – well that was a lucky coincidence.

Page 5 – no sign of a vehicle yet.

A vehicle is in it briefly, but it feels shoehorned in. Luckily there is Serena who is extremely good looking to distract me.

Sorry for the sarcasm, but this was what I was thinking as I was reading it and I always find it helps to know what goes through readers mind page by page. Overall it’s a classic Invasion of the Body Snatcher’s type story with no new twists or spin and falls foul of all the clichés. Those who are taken over acting like they are high was interesting and you could develop that further, as you could expand upon what the gathering is.

As is though, this isn’t original enough to get me high, nor does it match the criteria enough in my opinion, but well done for entering.



For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 11 - 38
Britman
Posted: April 24th, 2019, 7:38am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Not in Britain
Posts
101
Posts Per Day
0.02
Getting a Body Snatchers vibe from this, or some host controlling parasite.

The beginning of the script there's just not much going on. Half a page for the weather which can really be described in one sentence. And 3 pages in and nothing has happened so far.

Technically the script is fine. The dialogue needs a few more passes.

Like others have said the car feels like it was shoehorned in so for me that doesn't quite meet all the OWC requirements. The horror is okay, I mean, it doesn't have a lot but it clearly would be in the horror genre.

A decent effort.






Producer/Director of The Dollmaker by Matias Caruso
Producer/Director of So Pretty/Dark by James Williams
Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 38
PKCardinal
Posted: April 24th, 2019, 2:16pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Kansas
Posts
1447
Posts Per Day
0.63
This feels like it could have been more. The main problem is that everything happens so smoothly. Zap. Done. Sure, it does add a creepy element, but more conflict would have been welcome. As it sits, the main conflict is really just Austin telling Bill he's acting funny.

Now, having said that, you clearly were going for more of the suspense (per the parameters). So, maybe I'm being too harsh?

Overall, this was well written. Could be shortened, mainly in early pages.

Good job.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 38
DustinBowcot
Posted: April 24th, 2019, 5:47pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



THE GATHERING

Code

Strike after strike, it CRASHES down.



Loved the opening description... even how the rain escalated to a storm. However, this bit tripped me up. Lightning crashes down? I think that could be better.

Code

Rain pounds down.



A writer with a 'down' problem. It's poor because which other direction does rain fall? It's lazy because you use 'down' when you could add some better description. Maybe the rain pounds against the corrugated plastic roof of an outbuilding? Rain pounds against concrete paving slabs? Feed me a sensory experience I can use. Rain pounds down is shit.

Code

...sending wafts of smoke into the dark night.



I hope just by enclosing that section of one of your action lines that you already know what I'm going to say... dark night? That is overwriting. It does nothing. What is the point in pointing out that it's dark at night?

Code

The wind howls, causing a multitude of wind chimes, hanging from the covered patio, to sing out into the storm.



I really like this. I don't like the word 'out'. I like the imagery and sound this action line conjures. However, I'd consider playing around with it a little, trying to perfect it. It could be a great line.


Code

...AUSTIN CHASE, 45, rises from his bed.



'his' goes without saying. It's more overwriting that spoils the read. You're also telling us it's his bed. Not that it wouldn't be obvious anyway.


Code

AUSTIN 
Wow, big storm, huh, Jake? You wanna get in 
bed with me, Buddy?



Not sure I like where this seems to be headed.

Code

Jake's tail wags, as he bounds into the big bed, almost landing on 
MR. WHISKERS, a fluffy white, ten pound cat. Mr. Whiskers 
MEOWS, playfully swats at Jake. 

AUSTIN (CONT'D) 
Easy there, Mr. Whiskers. There's room for 
all of us. 



I feel nauseas. Like I've been tied to a chair and forced to watch the opening of a Disney movie. I'm not sure I can recover enough to read on.

Code

DEBBIE 
I'm a little burned, very tired, and missing 
my baby! 

Austin sips his coffee as he talks.  

AUSTIN 
Me too, had both Jake and Mr. Whiskers 
in bed with me last night.



So what did happen that night?

The writing is fairly good. You pulled me in at the start but then the overwriting got a little tedious. Then the cutesy guy hero almost made me vomit.  
Logged
e-mail Reply: 14 - 38
 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    April, 2019 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006