Entertaining as hell. Though the horror is minimal, I found it quite suspenseful. Use of a vehicle, the tank in this case, was minimal, but the only exciting thing that can happen inside a rolling coffin is you catch fire or the rounds start exploding around you.

I liked the gremlins. Judging from the desecrations in the church, I gather they're in league with the Devil? If so, I'm sure the Devil can bring in even more terrifying creatures to do his bidding.

In any event, I question the need to insert actual monsters into a World War II story. If you only had one round in your weapon, and you had a gremlin on one side of you, and a Nazi on the other, which one would you shoot?

If I really wanted to, I'm sure I could go through
and start nitpicking, but I don't see the point.

I see really strong writing on display here and despite
my preference for another story type, it doesn't
overshadow what I see: a good piece of work.

The one problem:

At the end you have written

>Tillgaust

Is it Tillinghaust? or Tillgaust?

No matter. Well done.  

Some good writing here. Really solid atmosphere, especially early on. Unfortunately, for me this is just lost potential. I think the end reveal completely deflates this and makes it hard for me to take seriously. Maybe that's your intention, but it sapped the joy out of it for me.

I think you should keep the antagonists in the dark more. Give a few small hints, but never out right show us what they are. And please, don't make them Gremlins.

Not bad, but it could have been much better IMO.

Thanks to all but one who read the script. I won't waste much words on that person, they know who they are and the issue was brought up in one of the main thread of the OWC. I wanted to chime in there, but it would have revealed myself to early.

Most of my writing habits I think tend to reveal my style anyway, if you know what to look for. Once someone correctly guessed it was me who wrote this,I figured most of the peeps would agree. So much so that last night I put up the revised script over at Revolution, even though there's a part of me that is toying with the idea of expanding another three to four pages at least. Maybe one or two of the guys will live an have to fight their way out of the Goblin  infested citadel.

Gone is the gun toting Goblin at the end. He's now got this pickax, see, and ...
well, I thought the machine gun Goblin was nuts and I imagined that wicked scowl as that little beast unleashed lead. What I forgot was the soldiers thought they were dealing with "gremlins" and when we think of gremlins, we think of the critters from the popular 80s an early 90s films. In some narrative, it alternates (especially on the last page) between Gremlin an Goblin. I wanted them to have more of a Goblin like appearance.

Gone is Grizzled. The wound on the leg is more specific (thigh) A few asides are gone. What can I tell you? I was re-reading David Keopp's War Of The Worlds a week before. Not JJ Abrams. There is no mystery box here. At least...I on't think there is. Tobe clear, I'm my own voice. I'm not Abrams an I'm not Keopp. But sometimes small asides can be entertaining,or to convey a more clearer visual. When I rewrote the scene where the hooded goblin is spying on the soldiers and the tank, dropping the asides, I changed it BACK because it was harder to convey visually. It changed the meaning, the visual of what I was going for. I tried it again after the OWC, and I hate it because it doesn't read as good as the aside. I'll keep one, drop the other.

Yes, there is no actual place named Tillinghaust. It's a made up name.It comes from  Tillnghast a character in Lovecraft's From Beyond.William Dyer (alias)is a character from Mountains Of Madness.

Quoted from _ghostwriter22 I'm no historian but it seems authentic.  The dialogue is paced well and as this time period was, all the characters talk alike

I guess I could have made one fella, maybe Vincent, from Texas. Y'know what? That's right. He's from Texas now. Amarillo, TX. One of them will be from New Hampshire. Maybe Eddie.

The only research I did was in regards to something we always see in movies regarding tanks of the WW2 era. Pretty much it.  I never go into too much detail, just keep it brief an simple.

Quoted from stevie I heard there were 3 WW2 scripts in this challenge? Noice as I am a real buff of that era. I googled Tillinghaust but came up with zero so I guess you made it up. Still need a SUPER saying its in Belgium or France or Germany ok? And also exactly what year and perhaps month it is.  Then I see Tillgaust appears; maybe an error there? Loved the setup, the concept and the mounting dread. Even the asides and stuff - Jeff will have a field day with this lol - added to the tension. When the creatures were revealed though it started fizzling a bit. Would've liked to see the baddies be unseen or ghostly but goblins wielding machine guns seemed a bit comical. Writing was good and it may have been influenced by a novel by Graham Masterton called The Devils Of D-Day about a haunted tank.

The year is 1944. Says so on the SUPER, an even the title page.Month I didn't think was important, but it may be something to consider. As to the actual location (country) where the fictional village is in, A line of dialog suggests that's it's in France, but I'llmake it more clear if I feel it necessary.

I never read that book. I am aware of the The Haunted Tankfrom DC comics, though. No influence from there either.

Quoted from Matthew Taylor Why did they fall off the tank when they opened the hatch "jerry-rigged with a grenade" - did a grenade just go off when they opened it? wasn't clear to me

They thought it was a live grenade,booby trapped. They then discovered that the grenade had gone off long before they arrived.

Quoted from ReneC You can call out the fact that there are no bodies all you want, but that's a detail that will certainly be missed visually at the start of any story. We have no idea what world you're introducing us to, so the absence of something isn't going to be noticed. For all we know, this is a month after hostilities have ended and the bodies have all been cleared. It isn't strange unless someone calls out how strange it is, and a vague "None of this is normal" doesn't cut it.... Was there supposed to be a gremlin under the chalice?

Good point about the lackof bodies. A new line of dialog in the rewrite will clear this up. They had fallen behind from the rest of the assault team. The tank was not part of the company they were in. That was the original intent,

As for the gremlin under the chalice? Whoops. That was part of the first draft where they weren't fighting gremlins/goblins,but a Basilisk. A baby snake-like Basilisk was going to be under the chalice. In the rewrite, it is a baby snake, since I also established a few snakes around the area.

Quoted from Zack And please, don't make them Gremlins

At least they won't feed after midnight
Anyway, I'm leaning towards Goblins mistaken for Gremlins.

Again, thanks to all who read and commented except the one fella.But then again,Iid write something that was

Quoted Text ...most offensive scripts I've ever seen...

I gotta fess up. It was really, really tempting to put in a scene where a gremlin uses a pair of pliers to scope some fool's prostrate. But I was sober at the time, and resisted such a sight.

Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley [color=blue] Thanks to all but one who read the script. I won't waste much words on that person, they know who they are and the issue was brought up in one of the main thread of the OWC. I wanted to chime in there, but it would have revealed myself to early. Again, thanks to all who read and commented except the one fella.

Gee...I wonder who you may be referring to here, Darren?

So, nothing in my feedback was helpful to you?  I totally wasted my time on this BS?  Maybe you should reread what I said and take some things to heart.

Or, maybe you should include a few others who didn't enjoy this laborious read..

Any ways, thanks to you for not reading my script, but then again, you never will.  I think you owe me about 10 or more reads by now.

Looking forward to your next masterpiece!  

Quoted from Dreamscale So, nothing in my feedback was helpful to you?  I totally wasted my time on this BS?  Maybe you should reread what I said and take some things to heart. Or, maybe you should include a few others who didn't enjoy this laborious read..

I do not mind if someone gives a subjective opinion. And those who didn't like the script went out of their way to write

Quoted Text " It's almost like a good writer is trying something really fucked up, but can't stop the experiment.  It's too bad, as there seems to be a good story here, some serious research, and talent

in one line then contradict it with

Quoted Text " Oh man, you're fucking killing me here! .. The tone here is just downright weird!  Never seen anything like this and I hope I never do again!, TERRIBLE!!!  ARGH!!!  FUCK!! I can't do it.  No fucking way can I read another 6 pages.  I'm sorry, but this has got to be the single most offensive scripts I've ever seen, in terms of the writing.

Even now, you call the script "bullshit" . On one hand, you are correct, I  put effort into my writing but my research was minimal - but it's just enough.  But I didn't write a piss job. That's not the way I roll.

Others thought your comments were questionable, but generally I'm used to your reviews (as hopefully most are)but I never seen you go on such a tirade on any submission. It just happened to be mine. Your second guess was correct; I think you can spot my tropes or at least are pretty darn close to it. So then I look at those comments again, and it felt like a whole new context, not for the better. So, generally, your comments were not helpful. Others who had negative or mixed reactions were, because they didn't go off on a rant. And generally,I wouln't careif they did if I really screwed up.

But not everyone hated the script. Not all were mixed reactions. For a OWC, it's one of my better ones, but even I am doing slight revisions.

So my writing isn't to your taste. So be it. I can't please everyone.

Darren, I had no idea this was your script...absolutely no clue.

I wrote what I wrote as I read, and didn't read any comments before.

Sorry you can't take crit.  My apologies.

Quoted from Dreamscale Sorry you can't take crit.  My apologies.

This is so far beyond anything you could reasonably call criticism, or at least constructive criticism. This is bashing a script and its writer.

Nobody's saying your feedback was incorrect. It was just inflammatory, and not in the spirit of meaningless, fun, competition. I didn't even write anything in this OWC and your comments are unpleasant to read.

Quoted from AlsoBen Nobody's saying your feedback was incorrect. It was just inflammatory, and not in the spirit of meaningless, fun, competition. I didn't even write anything in this OWC and your comments are unpleasant to read.

This was my point Jeff. I said it very clearly in my comment.

Hey guys, enough!

Jeff, even you usually tone it down more than this.

Take the personal crap to PM.

Anything more constructive to say on the script, fine, otherwise cool it on Darren's script thread.

Getting around to look at some I missed.

Quoted Text EXT. PLAINS - DAY

Little more detail in the header would help. Plains could be anywhere (i.e.m from Midwest America to Africa). Since you're using a line anyway - add more detail.

In the opening I like the fact that they are appearing to us in mirage like fashion. I don't think you need the 5 vs 6 soldiers thing to make that work and it adds confusion.

Quoted Text The team approach with more unease each moment. Not only are there no bodies, there are no body parts. No burning flesh, just a ton of random shell casings.

IMO - overkill on the  body parts - burning flesh. You got it already with the no body's previously.

Quoted Text VINCENT (CONT’D) No body in here.

Nobody? - Couple of places

Quoted Text VINCENT I know it doesn’t make any sense. (looks around) None of this does.

To my ear reads better like:

VINCENT
I know...
(looks around)
None of this does.

On the dialogue in general - for the most part I liked it - thought it sounded authentic. My only gripe - which is a gripe in most scripts I read - the voices started to blend together.i.e., Luther, Eddie and Vincent all had similar voices. To me it is always more interesting when there are distinct voices - i.e., one, grumpy and terse, one nervous - a chatterer - not that necessarilry - but you get the point, Have em talk different from each other.

Quoted Text The three soldiers pass by the Citadel, which is more imposing and Gothic up close. Lots of archways, corners.

Not sure you didn't miss a scene header here (above) - we've changed locations.

Quoted Text Vincent isn’t fixing the engine anymore. Alan ‘s not there either. Well, Vincent does show up, having been on the other side of the tank. Clyde breathes a sigh of relief.

The above was a bit clumsy, IMO. Think you should just say -

No one can be seen. After a moment, Vincent comes from the other side of the tank.
Clyde breathes a sigh of relief.

Quoted Text That Citadel. Towers over everything. Makes you think you’re the one being watched. It’s a scary son of a bitch from this view. It isn’t Dracula’s castle, but it gives you a damned chill.

Some will hate this - I like it - sets the vibe.

Quoted Text INT. CITADEL- SAME And we are watching him alright. From high in a room overlooking the street below, Clyde looks mouse size, a pest about to be stepped on and squeal. He’s looking right at whatever or whoever is looking at him. As of right now, it’s nobody or nothing we can see or comprehend.

Kind of switched to the "we can see" approach mid-script. Why here? It was kind of a pace hiccup for me. I'd use the style throughout or not at all. My preference is always the character - e.g., later you write:

Quoted Text It’s a different room. We know that because we are looking out of the arched window DOWN AT THE TANK. About the same height.

I'd just have Clyde looking  out that window. Just my preference.

I like the creepy church descriptions in general - the places is screwed up for sure. I think you can trim a bit though.

Okay - enough on format and edits - you either agree or disagree with the approacj - to the story:

Not my cup of tea genre wise (but no horror is) - but not bad - Was not a fan of the Gremlins having machine guns is they ought to do their nasty work without them -

The vehicle connection is a little tenuous - most of the tension is in the church.

Overall - dialogue good but action could do with a bit of trimming/clean-up.