SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 3:40am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April, 2019 One Week Challenge  ›  Tillinghaust 1944 - OWC Moderators: Zack
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Tillinghaust 1944 - OWC  (currently 2836 views)
Don
Posted: April 19th, 2019, 10:42pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Tillinghaust 1944 by William Dyer - Short, Horror - Five lost soldiers curious about an abandoned tank, investigate the surrounding desolate, remote village which does not exist on any map. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
JEStaats
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 11:37am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
1735
Posts Per Day
0.62
My first read of the challenge, you lucky devil. I've yet to be skewed by any other entries. Here we go:

Firstly, your page count says 14, including title page! It's a good thing a scrolled to the bottom to check since you have an extra blank page. Some peeps may not read this just because of the 12 page limit. You need to double check these things in the future.

I like the story as a whole though I think it's overwritten. You have a couple action blocks of five lines and one of six. Overall, I think you could have trimmed a page or so out of unnecessary fluff. Some lines are unfilmable descriptions of what the reader should be feeling.

Some interesting formatting too. CAPS and bold letters in odd places, and an interesting character intro. Some lines were more direction and camera angle that is unnecessary.

One weird note re: the first couple action sequence where you describe six figures and then only five because of the effect. It kinda threw me thinking that would have some bearing later on but it never amounted to anything.

Good story; it met all the requirements; it MAY be a bit too gory but it's all in how it would film.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 26
AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 4:13pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4319
Posts Per Day
1.14
Okay, period piece.

PLAINS - we don't really have any of them in Western Europe where it looks like your script is set, certainly unlikely outside of a French village... and the title/place sound Germanic not French.

"And we are watching him alright."  - not even sure what this means, but it needs a revision, or deletion.

Cobblestone stairs are very unlikely, cobblestones are small stones and generally used for pavements and roads.

There's a fair few typos and the like but this is an OWC so I'll assume this is hust rushed.

Not entirely convinced the majority of the story is ste around the tank, but I'll let that slide.

The revelation is a little left field, but lots of odd things happen in war so I'll go with it.

Think the gore element is too much for the parameters of the challenge BUT fit with the story.

I think the problem here is that there is quite a lot of over writing and some pretty confusing passage, revised and ed it these down and you'd probably lose a couple of pages.

So, needs work but can see something here.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 2 - 26
ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 9:22pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
A helluva long way from LA
Posts
1565
Posts Per Day
0.29
A couple of random thoughts, sprinkle salt to taste.

I'm no historian but it seems authentic.  The dialogue is paced well and as this time period was, all the characters talk alike.

I think you could have told this story with less.

The asides.  That kind of stuff, IMO, is totally fine if you don't use it to death.  It's all about context. When, where and how it's used.  But it might annoy the heck outta some folks.  No doubt you have a voice &style. -Andrea


Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 26
bert
Posted: April 21st, 2019, 11:01am Report to Moderator
Administrator


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4232
Posts Per Day
0.61
I liked the logline, and enjoyed to writing, but not clear what the point was apart from the late reveal.

I think somebody should ask, "Where are the bodies?"  The writing often speaks to the missing bodies, but a character should actually verbalize this sentiment to make it clear to the viewer.  (I see that someone eventually says something like this, but it is too late IMO).  The bell is a nice touch, but seems the reaction to this should be stronger -- pulling their guns and such -- as it makes clear that they are not alone.  The clanging bell should "change things" for these guys more than it does.  

Alan's interaction with the kid was a high point.  Great dialogue there.

Strong entry, but would be nice if it were something more than just a series of events.  Like, if the events in this town somehow tied into the larger war that surrounds these men.  


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 26
stevie
Posted: April 21st, 2019, 9:57pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Down Under
Posts
3441
Posts Per Day
0.61
I heard there were 3 WW2 scripts in this challenge? Noice as I am a real buff of that era. I googled Tillinghaust but came up with zero so I guess you made it up. Still need a SUPER saying its in Belgium or France or Germany ok? And also exactly what year and perhaps month it is.  Then I see Tillgaust appears; maybe an error there?

Loved the setup, the concept and the mounting dread. Even the asides and stuff - Jeff will have a field day with this lol - added to the tension. When the creatures were revealed though it started fizzling a bit. Would've liked to see the baddies be unseen or ghostly but goblins wielding machine guns seemed a bit comical.

Writing was good and it may have been influenced by a novel by Graham Masterton called The Devils Of D-Day about a haunted tank.  Anyway I still liked it as I love the war stories.  Better go read the other 2 now lol.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 26
MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 23rd, 2019, 2:34am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
2335
Posts Per Day
0.59
Interesting title and logline! I am intrigued!

The random words in caps is a bit distracting and the way you introduce all the characters is a bit jumbled.

As it is all these characters sound the same. I quickly lose track of who is who.

Scene headings – Avoid using SAME  - same as what? If I were producing this and checking the locations and time of day for the shoot I would find this irritating.

For me the script is overwritten to the point it reads like a short story more than a screenplay. You have your voice for sure, just a trim here and there to refine it. Imagine reading 100 pages of that and you’d realise how long it would take compared to a leaner script which managed to get across the exact same story with far more white space and less caps.

Overall it was nicely done. A nice atmospheric build-up, suspenseful and seemed authentic enough to me so I believed it was set in WWII. Definitely horror, it’s just with the gremlins going all Rambo at the end it seemed like is suddenly turned into a comedy horror, which is fine if that was the tone from the start but it started quite serious and went a bit silly at the end. If I were being picky I’d say the gore was too much and the tank wasn’t the predominant focus of the story to fit the parameters so I would deduct a point for that.

Good job though, a decent read.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 6 - 26
Matthew Taylor
Posted: April 23rd, 2019, 5:56am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
1770
Posts Per Day
0.89
Hello writer

Why did they fall off the tank when they opened the hatch "jerry-rigged with a grenade" - did a grenade just go off when they opened it? wasn't clear to me.

The writing - I get the impression that this is from a seasoned writer who now has no qualms with breaking from some conventions and writing the way they want to. To be honest, my read is pretty damn quick and I get a good sense of whats happening - some things are irritating me, but could just be me.

That being said - re-writing could shorten this - you could deffinately have gotten rid of the annoyingly short 12th page - maybe you ran out of time, which is why you left a blank 13th page.

Some good suspense in here - I'm enjoying it.

Ok finished - You did not keep the gore to a minimum, so I am going to dock points in my scoring for that.

Overall, I enjoyed it - I think you have too many characters, I gave up following who was who, they seemed to be there just for a body count.

Some good suspense, good use of the vehicle.

Gremlins, thats what they were - the old legend of machinery sabotaging creatures.

Well done for completeing the challenge

Matt





Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 26
PKCardinal
Posted: April 23rd, 2019, 2:42pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Kansas
Posts
1447
Posts Per Day
0.63
Mixed emotions for me on this one.

Love the tank as the vehicle. One of my favorite things about the OWC is seeing how creative writers can get with the parameters.

I don't mind the occasional aside... but, for me, this was way over the top, to the point of severe distraction. And, I don't like when writers use asides as a cheat... almost like you can't figure out a way to get your point across in traditional ways... so, boom, let's use an aside. "It gives you a damned chill." Does it really? I can't tell, 'cause all I can see is a tall tower... that isn't something else.

Now, that's probably harsh, but that's kindof the feeling I had by the end. Irritation with the distractions.

In fact, I'm probably being more harsh because I was so pumped to get to read a tank-based horror story... and, I feel a bit let down.

Alright, enough about asides. You knew what you were gonna get when you wrote it, so, I don't need to pile on. And, since it's a creative choice... well, it's yours to make.

The suspense was up there, for me. I really wanted to know how this was going to play out. So, that's a real good sign. However, I didn't like how it played out.

I think I would have felt better about things if you told me it was gremlins when they first find the map. It would have given me a touch point for expectations of the last couple pages.

That is, I would have read them with a different tone in mind. And, I think I would have enjoyed it more. As it was, it felt unintentionally campy. Knowing it was gremlins would have clued me in on the slight comedic element.

All in all, well done. But, I would have preferred medium-well.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 26
Warren
Posted: April 24th, 2019, 5:00am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.36
Hi writer,

Lucky last and it's another war script. Maybe this will be the one to outshine them all.


Quoted Text
As they come more into focus, there’s five of them, not six
as the hallucination first implied


But the hallucination didn't imply that, you just said patrol. I think if the number 6 is important, say it straight up, A patrol consisting of SIX GRIZZLED SOLDIERS.


Quoted Text
LUTHER, all of them are average height. Luther’s 6’4. The
others are
EDGAR A.K.A. “EDDIE”
VINCENT
CLYDE
ALAN (wounded, slight limp)


This whole introduction could be written better. LUTHER (give him an age),  a head taller than EDDIE (age and brief description), VINCENT etc. Writing someones exact height never looks good in a script.

Lots of really awkward writing.


Quoted Text
That Citadel. Towers over everything. Makes you think you’re
the one being watched. It’s a scary son of a bitch from this
view. It isn’t Dracula’s castle, but it gives you a damned
chill.


This is barely filmable and would probably be better in a novel.

Very same issue with the next block of action.

Should your "no body" be "nobody"? I'm not sure but it looks wrong for some reason. Libby??

By the bottom of page 8 the writing is getting really awkward.


Quoted Text
The KID looks up. It’s not a kid. It’s HIDEOUS. Snotty green
filth bleeds from a reptilian nose. Snake eyes. Crooked
fanged teeth. Stands, as we already guessed two to three feet
tall. Talon like fingers. Just like -


We're at the start of pg 10 and you give us this, I doubt there is going to be enough time to explain it in any way. We also didn't guess anything, you told us on pg 9 that it was no taller than three feet.


Quoted Text
monster goblins


Well I said I'd seen it all as far as war horror goes, but you may have surprised me with monster goblins.


Quoted Text
Gremlin-like
things


I'm so lost, this is descending into chaos.

I feel like a bashed in skull, tons of hacked-up bodies (including women), and a dagger to the neck might be exceeding the no gore criteria, or at least the minimal gore criteria.


Quoted Text
GREMLIN INFESTATION


Well that cleared that up.

Another script where stuff happens... because. So definitely not for me.

I don't think any of the war scripts really brought anything memorable to the table. But if I remember one thing it will be the monster goblins, so thanks for that.

Way too much gore for this particular challenge.

Feels like a new writer maybe? Read lots of scripts, and keep writing.

All the best.



Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Warren  -  April 25th, 2019, 11:37pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 26
ReneC
Posted: April 24th, 2019, 3:03pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Vancouver, BC
Posts
1435
Posts Per Day
0.31
The conversational writing style might work for some, but it's not done well here and I found it just annoying. Mostly because a lot of the asides are feelings that aren't translating to the screen, and your "voice" has more character than any of the actual characters. Can we just have a complete sentence once in a while? It was way overdone.

The biggest problem is it felt like I was being told a story rather than reading a story. I was left detached from the action, like someone else experienced these things and was relating them to me after the fact. That robbed all the tension from it.

You can call out the fact that there are no bodies all you want, but that's a detail that will certainly be missed visually at the start of any story. We have no idea what world you're introducing us to, so the absence of something isn't going to be noticed. For all we know, this is a month after hostilities have ended and the bodies have all been cleared. It isn't strange unless someone calls out how strange it is, and a vague "None of this is normal" doesn't cut it.

The action itself is okay. I feel this is another entry that was hindered by the no gore restriction, as many of the deaths were off screen. There was also nothing special about the reveal where the bodies were, you set it up like it was really strange but everyone just holed up in one place. Or were you trying to imply three-foot gremlins moved all those bodies? How strong are they?

Was there supposed to be a gremlin under the chalice? Are any of them that small? Or is that the mogwai? Gremlins. I rolled my eyes. I would have said this was a pisser if it didn't take itself so seriously.

It's clear you have writing chops. Just remember you aren't J.J. Abrams so tone it down and make the picture clearer.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 10 - 26
Britman
Posted: April 24th, 2019, 4:21pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Not in Britain
Posts
101
Posts Per Day
0.02
I enjoyed this for the most part. Was kinda let down by the "gremlins".

The script felt very dense and I understand the need for more characters in a war story, but perhaps in a short I would've kept it to a minimum.

As others have mentioned about the stylistic writing and/or use of asides. My take is if you use them make sure they flow with the rest of the descriptions. And they do for the most part but then moments like this take me out of it.


Quoted Text
That Citadel. Towers over everything. Makes you think you’re
the one being watched. It’s a scary son of a bitch from this
view. It isn’t Dracula’s castle, but it gives you a damned
chill.


But I enjoyed it, I like the setting and I can see you put a lot more effort into it than others here.


Producer/Director of The Dollmaker by Matias Caruso
Producer/Director of So Pretty/Dark by James Williams
Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 26
DustinBowcot
Posted: April 24th, 2019, 5:44pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



TILLINGHAUST 1944


Code

A patrol of GRIZZLED SOLDIERS ramble forward among 
hazes of smoke and heat. To an average person watching them 
from this distance, they appear ALMOST LIKE MIRAGES. 

As they come more into focus, there’s five of them, not six as 
the hallucination first implied.[code]

What hallucination? There hasn't been one in your story. Why is ALMOST LIKE MIRAGES in uppercase? Also 'GRIZZLED' doesn't need to be in uppercase either. UPPERCASE should be used only when necessary and only in very rare moments when it isn't. The amount of times you have used it actually has the opposite effect - makes your writing worse.


[code]One of them has a LEG INJURY, bandaged up. His limp 
isn’t holding anyone back.



I don't understand the last sentence. Does this mean that his limp is holding him back but none of the others? They're not waiting for him? This visual needs to be clearer. Also, what type of LEG INJURY does he have? Bandaged where? His knee? Calf? Thigh? The writing is also more passive than it needs to be.

Code

wounded, slight limp



Now you tell me! Now I have to re-imagine the start. I don't like these character intro's. It's like you just couldn't be arsed. You describe them as GRIZZLED yet they are aged between 19 and 25? Surely they should be in their 40s at least?

Code

The men’s faces become more visually distressed upon what they see ahead. ONE AMERICAN TANK. A SHERMAN. Fire damage decorates all sides. ABANDONED.



Lazy, passive writing. I didn't even have the men's faces as being visually distressed in the first place. You never described that.

Why would I be expecting there to be bodies on the ground? I wasn't expecting that, yet you state it as though it is obvious.

I wasn't expecting body parts or burning flesh either. What has happened that I should be expecting to see that?

Code

Vincent gets back up there. Checks the wire. Looks inside. 

VINCENT (CONT’D) 
No body in here. 

EDDIE 
Poor guy’s in parts. 

VINCENT 
There’s no body. Somebody jerry - rigged this up, 
grenade must have went off.




So it was a grenade and not a smoke bomb? If the grenade was a dud then why would Eddie assume the poor guy's in parts? You didn't describe an explosion, merely a billow of smoke.

Code

...no matter how small.



This aside makes no sense. Right away I imagined them waving their guns at birds, then a rat scampers almost drawing actual gunfire, then a wasp. Then I started to consider smaller life forms like bacteria - maybe one of them was carrying a microscope? It's open-ended. No matter how small? Really? I couldn't help but play that out in my mind and it quickly descended into the absurd. Try to limit your use of asides, particularly if they're just going to make the reader wonder WTF?
Logged
e-mail Reply: 12 - 26
MarkItZero
Posted: April 25th, 2019, 5:23pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1007
Posts Per Day
0.35
I'm not convinced the whole tank missing body element is needed. You're spending time with the discovery of the tank and then several pages talking about what could've happened.

Why not just have it be a tank squadron that rolls up into this eerily deserted town. Maybe they find a dismembered corpse, or remark on the fact that there are no corpses. You still get the creep factor and save like two pages.

Along these lines, an objective of greater significance than simple investigation might make for a more compelling story. Maybe they're looking for something of extreme importance in the town? Secret plans, gold, etc? That way, there'd be some larger consequence involved. I dunno, just spit-balling.

Good effort for a week though. Dialogue was solid. The scene with the tapping around the tank combined with the lack of vision made for some good suspense.


That rug really tied the room together.

Revision History (1 edits)
MarkItZero  -  April 25th, 2019, 6:12pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 26
Dreamscale
Posted: April 26th, 2019, 9:47am Report to Moderator
Guest User



My last read of this OWC, so you know what that means, right?  DETAILS, DETAILS, DETAILS...assuming I can get through the entire script.  And I will sure try.

A quick Google search reveals nothing on what/where Tillinghaust is, so assuming this is made up.

You lazily forgot to delete page 13, which makes this look like you went over the page count.

"PLAINS" - I don't know what I'm supposed to be visualizing here.

"To an average person watching them from this distance, they appear ALMOST LIKE MIRAGES." - Not sure what this line is supposed to mean.  Why would you talk about some average person viewing them?  Why do they appear almost like mirages?

"As they come more into focus, there’s five of them, not six as the hallucination first implied." - WTF?  What in the world is this line doing here?  Who said anything about being 6 of them?  What is this hallucination thing all about?  It's these kinds of lines that make peeps stop reading instantly, because it's so completely out of left field, means absolutely nothing, and is just a big head scratcher.

Writing is very odd, to say the least.  Your intros of the soldiers is very poorly done.

The strange and random CAPPING of words is also very odd and poorly done.

Hmmm, so based on the action/description lines, we're in a small village now, but based on your Slug, we're still in a field.  Not good.

Last passage on page 1 is not good.  You want to break up your passages, based on shots, action, descriptions.  Every time you have a new shot, you need a new passage.  Look how many different things are going on in this passage.

"No body" - You mean "nobody"?  Based on what follows, I have no clue what you mean.

Now we're in an EXT TANK scene?  Huh?  That's not the right Slug for what follows.

"Like what they seen before, there is no evidence of anyone, living or dead." - This is a poorly written line.  It starts out with slang.  Then you tell us what we don't see.  Not good.

Page 4 - "From a distance, he can see the tank. Vincent isn’t fixing the engine anymore. Alan ‘s not there either. Well, Vincent does show up, having been on the other side of the tank. Clyde breathes a sigh of relief.That Citadel. Towers over everything. Makes you think you’re the one being watched. It’s a scary son of a bitch from this view. It isn’t Dracula’s castle, but it gives you a damned chill." - This is so oddly written, I don't even know what to say.  Strange aside, strange talking to us.  Whatever it is supposed to be, it's not a good way to write a screenplay.

WTF?  And we end the page with a 5 line little ditty, the likes of which I have never seen.  "And we are watching him alright. From high in a room overlooking the street below, Clyde looks mouse size, a pest about to be stepped on and squeal. He’s looking right at whatever or whoever is looking at him. As of right now, it’s nobody or nothing we can see or comprehend." - Seriously?  I don't know...is there anyone out there who will appreciate BS like this?  It's just plain odd and nothing that should ever be in a screenplay.

If this wasn't my last script, I would have stopped by now, as this is getting more and more irritating as I go on.

Page 5 and you just keep spoon feeding us information.  It's almost like a good writer is trying something really fucked up, but can't stop the experiment.  It's too bad, as there seems to be a good story here, some serious research, and talent.

Another 5 line passage?  Really?  Oh man, you're fucking killing me here!

The tone here is just downright weird!  Never seen anything like this and I hope I never do again!

"No body" again.  WTF?  Why would there be a body there?  Do you mean "nobody"?  Do you not know the difference?

Page 6 - "He looks up at the blasphemy of the mess on the cross, disturbed by the sight of it. As Eddie looks away, focusing on some of the loose paper littered around, they don’t notice the slight MOVEMENT of THE CHALICE. Subtle. Just a fraction of an inch to the left.That’s right.Something must be under it, otherwise it would have moved by itself." - Here's a fucking doozy...a 6 line passage, including a 2 line aside.  Thanks for telling me this info.  Really?  TERRIBLE!!!  ARGH!!!  FUCK!!!

I can't do it.  No fucking way can I read another 6 pages.  I'm sorry, but this has got to be the single most offensive scripts I've ever seen, in terms of the writing.  The 6 pages I read feel like 10 or more.  No character has any character.  So little has happened.

I'm out, and I'm sorry for that.

*





Logged
e-mail Reply: 14 - 26
Spqr
Posted: April 29th, 2019, 2:47pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
483
Posts Per Day
0.09
Entertaining as hell. Though the horror is minimal, I found it quite suspenseful. Use of a vehicle, the tank in this case, was minimal, but the only exciting thing that can happen inside a rolling coffin is you catch fire or the rounds start exploding around you.

I liked the gremlins. Judging from the desecrations in the church, I gather they're in league with the Devil? If so, I'm sure the Devil can bring in even more terrifying creatures to do his bidding.

In any event, I question the need to insert actual monsters into a World War II story. If you only had one round in your weapon, and you had a gremlin on one side of you, and a Nazi on the other, which one would you shoot?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 15 - 26
Sandra Elstree.
Posted: May 2nd, 2019, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

Location
Bowden, Alberta
Posts
3664
Posts Per Day
0.60
If I really wanted to, I'm sure I could go through
and start nitpicking, but I don't see the point.

I see really strong writing on display here and despite
my preference for another story type, it doesn't
overshadow what I see: a good piece of work.

The one problem:

At the end you have written

>Tillgaust

Is it Tillinghaust? or Tillgaust?

No matter. Well done.  



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 16 - 26
Zack
Posted: May 2nd, 2019, 6:33pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Erlanger, KY
Posts
4487
Posts Per Day
0.69
Some good writing here. Really solid atmosphere, especially early on. Unfortunately, for me this is just lost potential. I think the end reveal completely deflates this and makes it hard for me to take seriously. Maybe that's your intention, but it sapped the joy out of it for me.

I think you should keep the antagonists in the dark more. Give a few small hints, but never out right show us what they are. And please, don't make them Gremlins.

Not bad, but it could have been much better IMO.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 17 - 26
DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: May 4th, 2019, 10:27pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Michigan.USA
Posts
1522
Posts Per Day
0.31
Thanks to all but one who read the script. I won't waste much words on that person, they know who they are and the issue was brought up in one of the main thread of the OWC. I wanted to chime in there, but it would have revealed myself to early.

Most of my writing habits I think tend to reveal my style anyway, if you know what to look for. Once someone correctly guessed it was me who wrote this,I figured most of the peeps would agree. So much so that last night I put up the revised script over at Revolution, even though there's a part of me that is toying with the idea of expanding another three to four pages at least. Maybe one or two of the guys will live an have to fight their way out of the Goblin  infested citadel.

Gone is the gun toting Goblin at the end. He's now got this pickax, see, and ...
well, I thought the machine gun Goblin was nuts and I imagined that wicked scowl as that little beast unleashed lead. What I forgot was the soldiers thought they were dealing with "gremlins" and when we think of gremlins, we think of the critters from the popular 80s an early 90s films. In some narrative, it alternates (especially on the last page) between Gremlin an Goblin. I wanted them to have more of a Goblin like appearance.

Gone is Grizzled. The wound on the leg is more specific (thigh) A few asides are gone. What can I tell you? I was re-reading David Keopp's War Of The Worlds a week before. Not JJ Abrams. There is no mystery box here. At least...I on't think there is. Tobe clear, I'm my own voice. I'm not Abrams an I'm not Keopp. But sometimes small asides can be entertaining,or to convey a more clearer visual. When I rewrote the scene where the hooded goblin is spying on the soldiers and the tank, dropping the asides, I changed it BACK because it was harder to convey visually. It changed the meaning, the visual of what I was going for. I tried it again after the OWC, and I hate it because it doesn't read as good as the aside. I'll keep one, drop the other.

Yes, there is no actual place named Tillinghaust. It's a made up name.It comes from  Tillnghast a character in Lovecraft's From Beyond.William Dyer (alias)is a character from Mountains Of Madness.



Quoted from _ghostwriter22
I'm no historian but it seems authentic.  The dialogue is paced well and as this time period was, all the characters talk alike


I guess I could have made one fella, maybe Vincent, from Texas. Y'know what? That's right. He's from Texas now. Amarillo, TX. One of them will be from New Hampshire. Maybe Eddie.

The only research I did was in regards to something we always see in movies regarding tanks of the WW2 era. Pretty much it.  I never go into too much detail, just keep it brief an simple
.


Quoted from stevie
I heard there were 3 WW2 scripts in this challenge? Noice as I am a real buff of that era. I googled Tillinghaust but came up with zero so I guess you made it up. Still need a SUPER saying its in Belgium or France or Germany ok? And also exactly what year and perhaps month it is.  Then I see Tillgaust appears; maybe an error there?

Loved the setup, the concept and the mounting dread. Even the asides and stuff - Jeff will have a field day with this lol - added to the tension. When the creatures were revealed though it started fizzling a bit. Would've liked to see the baddies be unseen or ghostly but goblins wielding machine guns seemed a bit comical.

Writing was good and it may have been influenced by a novel by Graham Masterton called The Devils Of D-Day about a haunted tank.


The year is 1944. Says so on the SUPER, an even the title page.Month I didn't think was important, but it may be something to consider. As to the actual location (country) where the fictional village is in, A line of dialog suggests that's it's in France, but I'llmake it more clear if I feel it necessary.

I never read that book. I am aware of the The Haunted Tankfrom DC comics, though. No influence from there either.



Quoted from Matthew Taylor
Why did they fall off the tank when they opened the hatch "jerry-rigged with a grenade" - did a grenade just go off when they opened it? wasn't clear to me


They thought it was a live grenade,booby trapped. They then discovered that the grenade had gone off long before they arrived.



Quoted from ReneC
You can call out the fact that there are no bodies all you want, but that's a detail that will certainly be missed visually at the start of any story. We have no idea what world you're introducing us to, so the absence of something isn't going to be noticed. For all we know, this is a month after hostilities have ended and the bodies have all been cleared. It isn't strange unless someone calls out how strange it is, and a vague "None of this is normal" doesn't cut it....

Was there supposed to be a gremlin under the chalice?



Good point about the lackof bodies. A new line of dialog in the rewrite will clear this up. They had fallen behind from the rest of the assault team. The tank was not part of the company they were in. That was the original intent,

As for the gremlin under the chalice? Whoops. That was part of the first draft where they weren't fighting gremlins/goblins,but a Basilisk. A baby snake-like Basilisk was going to be under the chalice. In the rewrite, it is a baby snake, since I also established a few snakes around the area.




Quoted from Zack
And please, don't make them Gremlins


At least they won't feed after midnight
Anyway, I'm leaning towards Goblins mistaken for Gremlins.


Again, thanks to all who read and commented except the one fella.But then again,Iid write something that was


Quoted Text
...most offensive scripts I've ever seen...


I gotta fess up. It was really, really tempting to put in a scene where a gremlin uses a pair of pliers to scope some fool's prostrate. But I was sober at the time, and resisted such a sight.




"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
Logged Offline
Site Private Message AIM YIM Reply: 18 - 26
Dreamscale
Posted: May 6th, 2019, 5:58pm Report to Moderator
Guest User




Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley
[color=blue] Thanks to all but one who read the script. I won't waste much words on that person, they know who they are and the issue was brought up in one of the main thread of the OWC. I wanted to chime in there, but it would have revealed myself to early.

Again, thanks to all who read and commented except the one fella.


Gee...I wonder who you may be referring to here, Darren?

So, nothing in my feedback was helpful to you?  I totally wasted my time on this BS?  Maybe you should reread what I said and take some things to heart.

Or, maybe you should include a few others who didn't enjoy this laborious read..

Any ways, thanks to you for not reading my script, but then again, you never will.  I think you owe me about 10 or more reads by now.

Looking forward to your next masterpiece!  

Logged
e-mail Reply: 19 - 26
DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: May 6th, 2019, 10:08pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Michigan.USA
Posts
1522
Posts Per Day
0.31

Quoted from Dreamscale




So, nothing in my feedback was helpful to you?  I totally wasted my time on this BS?  Maybe you should reread what I said and take some things to heart.

Or, maybe you should include a few others who didn't enjoy this laborious read..



I do not mind if someone gives a subjective opinion. And those who didn't like the script went out of their way to write


Quoted Text
" It's almost like a good writer is trying something really fucked up, but can't stop the experiment.  It's too bad, as there seems to be a good story here, some serious research, and talent


in one line then contradict it with


Quoted Text
" Oh man, you're fucking killing me here! .. The tone here is just downright weird!  Never seen anything like this and I hope I never do again!,

TERRIBLE!!!  ARGH!!!  FUCK!!

I can't do it.  No fucking way can I read another 6 pages.  I'm sorry, but this has got to be the single most offensive scripts I've ever seen, in terms of the writing.


Even now, you call the script "bullshit" . On one hand, you are correct, I  put effort into my writing but my research was minimal - but it's just enough.  But I didn't write a piss job. That's not the way I roll.

Others thought your comments were questionable, but generally I'm used to your reviews (as hopefully most are)but I never seen you go on such a tirade on any submission. It just happened to be mine. Your second guess was correct; I think you can spot my tropes or at least are pretty darn close to it. So then I look at those comments again, and it felt like a whole new context, not for the better. So, generally, your comments were not helpful. Others who had negative or mixed reactions were, because they didn't go off on a rant. And generally,I wouln't careif they did if I really screwed up.

But not everyone hated the script. Not all were mixed reactions. For a OWC, it's one of my better ones, but even I am doing slight revisions.

So my writing isn't to your taste. So be it. I can't please everyone.




"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
DarrenJamesSeeley  -  May 7th, 2019, 12:13am
Logged Offline
Site Private Message AIM YIM Reply: 20 - 26
Dreamscale
Posted: May 6th, 2019, 11:28pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Darren, I had no idea this was your script...absolutely no clue.

I wrote what I wrote as I read, and didn't read any comments before.

Sorry you can't take crit.  My apologies.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 21 - 26
Warren
Posted: May 6th, 2019, 11:38pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.36

Quoted from Dreamscale


Sorry you can't take crit.  My apologies.


This is so far beyond anything you could reasonably call criticism, or at least constructive criticism. This is bashing a script and its writer.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 22 - 26
AlsoBen
Posted: May 7th, 2019, 12:50am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Australia
Posts
727
Posts Per Day
0.16
Nobody's saying your feedback was incorrect. It was just inflammatory, and not in the spirit of meaningless, fun, competition. I didn't even write anything in this OWC and your comments are unpleasant to read.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 23 - 26
Warren
Posted: May 7th, 2019, 12:54am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.36

Quoted from AlsoBen
Nobody's saying your feedback was incorrect. It was just inflammatory, and not in the spirit of meaningless, fun, competition. I didn't even write anything in this OWC and your comments are unpleasant to read.


This was my point Jeff. I said it very clearly in my comment.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 24 - 26
LC
Posted: May 7th, 2019, 1:02am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7581
Posts Per Day
1.34
Hey guys, enough!

Jeff, even you usually tone it down more than this.

Take the personal crap to PM.

Anything more constructive to say on the script, fine, otherwise cool it on Darren's script thread.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 25 - 26
eldave1
Posted: May 11th, 2019, 4:47pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
Getting around to look at some I missed.


Quoted Text
EXT. PLAINS - DAY


Little more detail in the header would help. Plains could be anywhere (i.e.m from Midwest America to Africa). Since you're using a line anyway - add more detail.

In the opening I like the fact that they are appearing to us in mirage like fashion. I don't think you need the 5 vs 6 soldiers thing to make that work and it adds confusion.


Quoted Text
The team approach with more unease each moment. Not only are
there no bodies, there are no body parts. No burning flesh,
just a ton of random shell casings.


IMO - overkill on the  body parts - burning flesh. You got it already with the no body's previously.


Quoted Text
VINCENT (CONT’D)
No body in here.


Nobody? - Couple of places


Quoted Text
VINCENT
I know it doesn’t make any sense.
(looks around)
None of this does.


To my ear reads better like:

VINCENT
I know...
(looks around)
None of this does.

On the dialogue in general - for the most part I liked it - thought it sounded authentic. My only gripe - which is a gripe in most scripts I read - the voices started to blend together.i.e., Luther, Eddie and Vincent all had similar voices. To me it is always more interesting when there are distinct voices - i.e., one, grumpy and terse, one nervous - a chatterer - not that necessarilry - but you get the point, Have em talk different from each other.


Quoted Text
The three soldiers pass by the Citadel, which is more
imposing and Gothic up close. Lots of archways, corners.


Not sure you didn't miss a scene header here (above) - we've changed locations.


Quoted Text
Vincent isn’t fixing the engine anymore. Alan ‘s not there
either. Well, Vincent does show up, having been on the other
side of the tank. Clyde breathes a sigh of relief.


The above was a bit clumsy, IMO. Think you should just say -

No one can be seen. After a moment, Vincent comes from the other side of the tank.
Clyde breathes a sigh of relief.


Quoted Text
That Citadel. Towers over everything. Makes you think you’re
the one being watched. It’s a scary son of a bitch from this
view. It isn’t Dracula’s castle, but it gives you a damned
chill.


Some will hate this - I like it - sets the vibe.


Quoted Text
INT. CITADEL- SAME
And we are watching him alright. From high in a room
overlooking the street below, Clyde looks mouse size, a pest
about to be stepped on and squeal. He’s looking right at
whatever or whoever is looking at him. As of right now, it’s
nobody or nothing we can see or comprehend.


Kind of switched to the "we can see" approach mid-script. Why here? It was kind of a pace hiccup for me. I'd use the style throughout or not at all. My preference is always the character - e.g., later you write:


Quoted Text
It’s a different room. We know that because we are looking
out of the arched window DOWN AT THE TANK. About the same
height.


I'd just have Clyde looking  out that window. Just my preference.

I like the creepy church descriptions in general - the places is screwed up for sure. I think you can trim a bit though.

Okay - enough on format and edits - you either agree or disagree with the approacj - to the story:

Not my cup of tea genre wise (but no horror is) - but not bad - Was not a fan of the Gremlins having machine guns is they ought to do their nasty work without them -

The vehicle connection is a little tenuous - most of the tension is in the church.

Overall - dialogue good but action could do with a bit of trimming/clean-up.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 26 - 26
 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    April, 2019 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006