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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2016 One Week Challenge  ›  Help 91 - OWC
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  Author    Help 91 - OWC  (currently 3314 views)
Don
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 8:32am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Help 91 by Utah Kintumi - Short, Thriller, Drama - A limo driver gets his revenge on the actor who beat him for a prestigious film role. - pdf, format


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LC
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 8:58am Report to Moderator
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Not bad, nice to see a comedy. It is a bit of slapstick imh. Thriller/Drama noted on your description. I'd say comedy/drama. Met the challenge. Now all you gotta do is get a MS lookalike to play him. Unless of course... Well, good luck with that!


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SimonM
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 10:25am Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS AHEAD

Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear.

I assume this is meant to be "funny" - but it is so badly written that I spent most the ten pages shaking my head in disbelief.

Where to start...

So, a big film star in a sequel, is in a shitty hotel room? The intent is to show that even success isn't all that it's held up to be - but seriously? Apart from any other consideration, if the setting is LA as later indicated, chances are the star would live there and would be picked up from his home not a hotel.

The script gets off to a bad start with this and goes downhill...

For a start - limousine is not spelt that way! Once might be a typo, but clearly the writer didn't have spell check on as it is incorrect throughout the script!

The dialogue and situation is just unbelievable nonsense - without some grounding in reality it can't be funny (assuming it is meant to be and we're not supposed to take this seriously).

How does Kyle check his gun while driving - how many hands has he got?

How does Chad "lean forward" in a limo? A taxi, yes, but limo's are long - that's the point - and he'd hardly likely be sitting right up by the driver (normally there'd be a partition operated by the passenger as well).

Why is Chad going to a premiere alone? Why doesn't he know the name of the theatre?

I'd be here all day picking holes in the script - it is that bad. The ending is incomprehensible - Chad seems to be more concerned with missing the premiere than the fact that he could die - I had to read it three times to check I hadn't missed something.

0 out of 5 I am afraid.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 10:35am Report to Moderator
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Hmm... it sucked me in for the first page, but then it fell apart. Completely and utterly. Everything about it is random. I'm wondering if the writer was on acid when they wrote it. I stopped at page 3.

A pass.
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grademan
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 10:42am Report to Moderator
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I think if someone was in danger they would write 911 first. The capping of sounds distracted me a tad. I didn't recognize the music so that was lost on me. You didn't have to use a real director.  Not really a thriller since no grit.

Not bad, not great.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 10:50am Report to Moderator
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Not for me.
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wonkavite
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 10:55am Report to Moderator
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Spoilers: of course

Hmmmm... interesting.  Obviously a regular on SS.

A few thoughts.  Style-wise, I'd combine a bit more of the sentences. Right now, they feel a bit terse and chopped up. Merge a few, and IMO they'll flow more.

Putting Scorsese in there?  Um, budget-wise pretty unlikely.  
I DID really chuckle at the line "I've seen better acting in a Roger Corman movie"
Though - damn - given his temper tantrum, Kyle deserved getting booted off set, you ask me.

I expected this script to veer left, and have it turn out that Kyle was faking, and proving what a great actor he really is.  Which I think would've been a nice twist, if you revisit it!  
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SimonM
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 11:15am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from wonkavite
Spoilers: of course

Putting Scorsese in there?  Um, budget-wise pretty unlikely.  
I DID really chuckle at the line "I've seen better acting in a Roger Corman movie"


I assumed that this was an in-joke as Scorsese made a film for Corman...
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Cameron
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 11:26am Report to Moderator
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Hey Utah,

Your writing style seems pretty solid and works for me, the material however doesn't.

Firstly Scorsese doesn't fit the brief price wise (unless he's doing you a favour), and then it just kinda flies all over the place. Half of it just seems to be random build up, only to be followed by something related to the brief.

So style good, content bad.

Cam
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CindyLKeller
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 11:43am Report to Moderator
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Sorry, this one isn't for me, either.
Couldn't hold my attention, so I had to quit reading...

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Wes
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 1:51pm Report to Moderator
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I got through the whole thing but I just don't care for it.
What's a successful actor doing in a heartbreak hotel?
What actor looking for his first break screams at a famous director?
May as well go completely over the top with all of it and turn it into a comedy.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 2:01pm Report to Moderator
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Nick Jonas ringtone gets CAPS but not John Lennon - inconsistent and very wrong

Why is Chad in that bad a hotel room at the start, i though he was a successful star?

Anyway... this didn't really work for me, felt a little abrupt in terms of setup but I did like the idea of Kyle being delusional and psychotic.



Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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eldave1
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 4:14pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
CHAD DARREN, a dashing Hollywood actor, 38, sleeps without a



Quoted Text
Chad's agent, JIM, answers.


Not a promising start - on page one and already two unfilmables.

Got to page 4 - it's just kind of going off the rails for me. I think it had a great premise, but the execution needs work.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Warren
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 4:45pm Report to Moderator
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I was wondering if I'd be able to pick anyone on style alone and I have to say I'm pretty sure who owns this

Didn't quite work for me unfortunately. I found the dialogue on the nose at times. Chads lack of emotion in such a situation is a bit unbelievable.


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Dreamscale
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 8:33pm Report to Moderator
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I'm sorry, but I'm out o the top of page 2, as the dialogue and setup is so unreal.

Your description of this "actor" leads mr to believe he's an actual "actor", yet he's staying in some HEll Hole for God Knows Why.

Doesn't ring remotely real, and I just can't go on, whether or not it meets the challenge or turns out to be good.

Writing is not good either, and I can't go on.

Grade on Page 1 and top of Page 2 - D-

Sorry....not for me.
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