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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2016 One Week Challenge  ›  Help 91 - OWC
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  Author    Help 91 - OWC  (currently 3311 views)
Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 12:03am Report to Moderator
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Read the whole thing.  The revenge concept can work, but think this one fell apart for me.  Sure there are mistakes that can be fixed (many, many, -ly words, use of the same words on the same page, first slug has RATTY HOTEL ROOM should just be HOTEL ROOM with ratty in the description, etc.) but the story had issues.  

First, budget would be too big with the famous director and specific songs.  They're not necessary because it wouldn't make the story any worse if generic director and no song attached.  Also, you tried to make tension with the gun and taking him hostage, but I didn't feel like it was believable.

This is just my opinion, and if some changes made, could be better.  Good luck with it.


My Scripts:
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 4:53pm Report to Moderator
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Actually, ' bunny Valentine' made me laugh. How's that for in-bred?

Ok and low budget has gone, as is the taxi for most

Revenge in a cab. Jealous actor - quite like that.'

Just needs some work

Pass


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
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IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 6:03pm Report to Moderator
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Wondered what that title was up to. Now I know.

I wouldn't go as far to say this is 0/5 material, but the flashback didn't help. However, I did like the "wooden" exchange in the dialogue. It's great actually, and the context hides its technique. Keep that flow and maybe apply it somewhere else.

The story is a miss for me, okay, but I didn't see anything wrong with the writing.
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RonH
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 6:43pm Report to Moderator
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Well, I finished it. Agree with the previous posts, this one is a real mess, without an ounce of believability. I think the general premise of a successful actor being driven around by another failed actor, who he doesn't recognize, but has some prior conflict with, could be interesting.

But this, sorry, way too many cringe inducing moments -- The most egregious being  "You're terminating traffic ".  Also, a director of Scorsese's caliber, (not that you'd ever get him), would never participate in a casting session like that. Directors don't read with the actors, someone else does that.
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stevie
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 7:56pm Report to Moderator
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DanC
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 8:14pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry, this didn't work for me either.  Too many things that can't be filmed.  Too much insanity, and not in a good way.

Pretty much what everyone else said.  It met the challenge, but, that's about it.

4.5/10

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

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RichardR
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 7:09am Report to Moderator
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Some notes,

This one doesn't work.  It seems improbable on its face.  The flashback scene doesn't seem real, but that's me.  I believe in revenge, but this is too coincidental for me.  Dialogue could use some work.

best
Richard
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EWall433
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 11:08pm Report to Moderator
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Chad has a chance to jump out and doesn't. I don't buy that. The car couldn't have accelerated that fast. I'd take the chance of falling down vs the crazy guy with a gun. Chad saying he has a premier to go to doesn't sound like someone who's terrified of dying.

Ended a bit abruptly for me. There's a sequence of events here, but not a story. Why does Kyle even target Chad? Sounds like his real beef was with Scorsese.
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SAC
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 11:38am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Chad didn't seem to be too taken aback by the presence of a gun, did he? His life at stake and all, he seemed pretty calm throughout. The flashback was a mistake, I think. While explaining Kyle's motives, it was unrealistic and stopped the flow of what you were building. I think if Kyle just tells Chad it would've worked out better. Sorry, this one wasn't for me.

Steve


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SteveC
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 11:46am Report to Moderator
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This was a pretty steady script. Like the other reviewers, I agree that the dialogue was a little stilted and not tethered to some semblance of reality. For a short, I like to see some sort of twist at the end, which this one didn't really deliver. But the writer proved themselves capable. Keep at it!
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JEStaats
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 6:13pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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So many questions. From the log line, I thought it was going to be the actor with a grudge in the flophouse, not the famous actor. Where would you keep an Armani tux in a sh*thole like that? Was hoping for the twist at the end but it was what it was.
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MarkItZero
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 1:17am Report to Moderator
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Didn’t work for me at all. There’s no need for a page of flashback. It’s not funny or believable. Just put the actor in the limo with the deranged former actor/driver and slowly reveal bits about his past as they talk. Develop a little back and forth, create a creeping unease with the driver seeming to know intimidate details of the actor’s life, then build from there. There is potential for a riveting revenge story here if done right but it needs a big re-write.


That rug really tied the room together.
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Gum
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 1:58am Report to Moderator
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Quick read however, the ending fell flat for me. Curiously though... it left me wanting more smooth, clever dialog. Not more as in "You could have been more smooth or clever" but... more?

No worries, I found it imaginative enough and it fits the theme well, with some witty/urbane one liners thrown in for show.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 6:05pm Report to Moderator
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Oh, I don't see it that critical either.

There was some irony, or was it more like sarcasm,… no, rather full satire. It's somehow the counterpart of those scripts that treat a generic but interchangeable plot. This script rather takes a clear decision to deal with obvious nonsense/ insignificance in a free, provocative, and pretty entertaining manner. All along the way there's a unique attitude of easiness. I enjoyed. Stay different. It works 100% for me. Quite strong writer, storyteller imo.



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Conz
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 6:05pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not looking to really break down technical stuff too much while reading an 8 page short, but how do i know he's a Hollywood actor, and why would I assume he'd be in a shithole hotel?

This is a gripe of mine.  I don't mind music cues in scripts... I do however mind when it's a song I've never heard of.  it trips me up.  I have to stop and wonder if by knowing the song I'd be getting something that subtly relates to the story.  Yeah, i overthink it, but if his ringtone was... Bohemian Rhapsody (cliche i know) i'd at least think "ok, i know this song, reading on."

The dialogue isn't very well written, imo.

This is the most amateur of the entries I've read so far.  no offense.  

What's Marty going for these days?  You think you can get him to fit the low budget parameters?  I'm sure you could...

Scorsese directing a movie with a character named "Smash Collins"  ...

Yeah, sorry, passing on this one.  


I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.  

"Career" Highlights
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