Help 91 by Utah Kintumi - Short, Thriller, Drama - A limo driver gets his revenge on the actor who beat him for a prestigious film role. - pdf, format

Not bad, nice to see a comedy. It is a bit of slapstick imh. Thriller/Drama noted on your description. I'd say comedy/drama. Met the challenge. Now all you gotta do is get a MS lookalike to play him. Unless of course... Well, good luck with that!

SPOILERS AHEAD

Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear.

I assume this is meant to be "funny" - but it is so badly written that I spent most the ten pages shaking my head in disbelief.

Where to start...

So, a big film star in a sequel, is in a shitty hotel room? The intent is to show that even success isn't all that it's held up to be - but seriously? Apart from any other consideration, if the setting is LA as later indicated, chances are the star would live there and would be picked up from his home not a hotel.

The script gets off to a bad start with this and goes downhill...

For a start - limousine is not spelt that way! Once might be a typo, but clearly the writer didn't have spell check on as it is incorrect throughout the script!

The dialogue and situation is just unbelievable nonsense - without some grounding in reality it can't be funny (assuming it is meant to be and we're not supposed to take this seriously).

How does Kyle check his gun while driving - how many hands has he got?

How does Chad "lean forward" in a limo? A taxi, yes, but limo's are long - that's the point - and he'd hardly likely be sitting right up by the driver (normally there'd be a partition operated by the passenger as well).

Why is Chad going to a premiere alone? Why doesn't he know the name of the theatre?

I'd be here all day picking holes in the script - it is that bad. The ending is incomprehensible - Chad seems to be more concerned with missing the premiere than the fact that he could die - I had to read it three times to check I hadn't missed something.

0 out of 5 I am afraid.

Hmm... it sucked me in for the first page, but then it fell apart. Completely and utterly. Everything about it is random. I'm wondering if the writer was on acid when they wrote it. I stopped at page 3.

A pass.

I think if someone was in danger they would write 911 first. The capping of sounds distracted me a tad. I didn't recognize the music so that was lost on me. You didn't have to use a real director.  Not really a thriller since no grit.

Not bad, not great.

Not for me.

Spoilers: of course

Hmmmm... interesting.  Obviously a regular on SS.

A few thoughts.  Style-wise, I'd combine a bit more of the sentences. Right now, they feel a bit terse and chopped up. Merge a few, and IMO they'll flow more.

Putting Scorsese in there?  Um, budget-wise pretty unlikely.  
I DID really chuckle at the line "I've seen better acting in a Roger Corman movie"
Though - damn - given his temper tantrum, Kyle deserved getting booted off set, you ask me.

I expected this script to veer left, and have it turn out that Kyle was faking, and proving what a great actor he really is.  Which I think would've been a nice twist, if you revisit it!  

Quoted from wonkavite Spoilers: of course Putting Scorsese in there?  Um, budget-wise pretty unlikely.   I DID really chuckle at the line "I've seen better acting in a Roger Corman movie"

I assumed that this was an in-joke as Scorsese made a film for Corman...

Hey Utah,

Your writing style seems pretty solid and works for me, the material however doesn't.

Firstly Scorsese doesn't fit the brief price wise (unless he's doing you a favour), and then it just kinda flies all over the place. Half of it just seems to be random build up, only to be followed by something related to the brief.

So style good, content bad.

Cam

Sorry, this one isn't for me, either.
Couldn't hold my attention, so I had to quit reading...

Cindy

I got through the whole thing but I just don't care for it.
What's a successful actor doing in a heartbreak hotel?
What actor looking for his first break screams at a famous director?
May as well go completely over the top with all of it and turn it into a comedy.

Nick Jonas ringtone gets CAPS but not John Lennon - inconsistent and very wrong

Why is Chad in that bad a hotel room at the start, i though he was a successful star?

Anyway... this didn't really work for me, felt a little abrupt in terms of setup but I did like the idea of Kyle being delusional and psychotic.

Quoted Text CHAD DARREN, a dashing Hollywood actor, 38, sleeps without a

Quoted Text Chad's agent, JIM, answers.

Not a promising start - on page one and already two unfilmables.

Got to page 4 - it's just kind of going off the rails for me. I think it had a great premise, but the execution needs work.

I was wondering if I'd be able to pick anyone on style alone and I have to say I'm pretty sure who owns this

Didn't quite work for me unfortunately. I found the dialogue on the nose at times. Chads lack of emotion in such a situation is a bit unbelievable.

I'm sorry, but I'm out o the top of page 2, as the dialogue and setup is so unreal.

Your description of this "actor" leads mr to believe he's an actual "actor", yet he's staying in some HEll Hole for God Knows Why.

Doesn't ring remotely real, and I just can't go on, whether or not it meets the challenge or turns out to be good.

Writing is not good either, and I can't go on.

Grade on Page 1 and top of Page 2 - D-

Sorry....not for me.

Read the whole thing.  The revenge concept can work, but think this one fell apart for me.  Sure there are mistakes that can be fixed (many, many, -ly words, use of the same words on the same page, first slug has RATTY HOTEL ROOM should just be HOTEL ROOM with ratty in the description, etc.) but the story had issues.  

First, budget would be too big with the famous director and specific songs.  They're not necessary because it wouldn't make the story any worse if generic director and no song attached.  Also, you tried to make tension with the gun and taking him hostage, but I didn't feel like it was believable.

This is just my opinion, and if some changes made, could be better.  Good luck with it.

Actually, ' bunny Valentine' made me laugh. How's that for in-bred?

Ok and low budget has gone, as is the taxi for most

Revenge in a cab. Jealous actor - quite like that.'

Just needs some work

Pass

Wondered what that title was up to. Now I know.

I wouldn't go as far to say this is 0/5 material, but the flashback didn't help. However, I did like the "wooden" exchange in the dialogue. It's great actually, and the context hides its technique. Keep that flow and maybe apply it somewhere else.

The story is a miss for me, okay, but I didn't see anything wrong with the writing.

Well, I finished it. Agree with the previous posts, this one is a real mess, without an ounce of believability. I think the general premise of a successful actor being driven around by another failed actor, who he doesn't recognize, but has some prior conflict with, could be interesting.

But this, sorry, way too many cringe inducing moments -- The most egregious being  "You're terminating traffic ".  Also, a director of Scorsese's caliber, (not that you'd ever get him), would never participate in a casting session like that. Directors don't read with the actors, someone else does that.

Pass

Sorry, this didn't work for me either.  Too many things that can't be filmed.  Too much insanity, and not in a good way.

Pretty much what everyone else said.  It met the challenge, but, that's about it.

4.5/10

Dan

Some notes,

This one doesn't work.  It seems improbable on its face.  The flashback scene doesn't seem real, but that's me.  I believe in revenge, but this is too coincidental for me.  Dialogue could use some work.

best
Richard

Chad has a chance to jump out and doesn't. I don't buy that. The car couldn't have accelerated that fast. I'd take the chance of falling down vs the crazy guy with a gun. Chad saying he has a premier to go to doesn't sound like someone who's terrified of dying.

Ended a bit abruptly for me. There's a sequence of events here, but not a story. Why does Kyle even target Chad? Sounds like his real beef was with Scorsese.

Writer,

Chad didn't seem to be too taken aback by the presence of a gun, did he? His life at stake and all, he seemed pretty calm throughout. The flashback was a mistake, I think. While explaining Kyle's motives, it was unrealistic and stopped the flow of what you were building. I think if Kyle just tells Chad it would've worked out better. Sorry, this one wasn't for me.

Steve

This was a pretty steady script. Like the other reviewers, I agree that the dialogue was a little stilted and not tethered to some semblance of reality. For a short, I like to see some sort of twist at the end, which this one didn't really deliver. But the writer proved themselves capable. Keep at it!

So many questions. From the log line, I thought it was going to be the actor with a grudge in the flophouse, not the famous actor. Where would you keep an Armani tux in a sh*thole like that? Was hoping for the twist at the end but it was what it was.

Didn’t work for me at all. There’s no need for a page of flashback. It’s not funny or believable. Just put the actor in the limo with the deranged former actor/driver and slowly reveal bits about his past as they talk. Develop a little back and forth, create a creeping unease with the driver seeming to know intimidate details of the actor’s life, then build from there. There is potential for a riveting revenge story here if done right but it needs a big re-write.

Quick read however, the ending fell flat for me. Curiously though... it left me wanting more smooth, clever dialog. Not more as in "You could have been more smooth or clever" but... more?

No worries, I found it imaginative enough and it fits the theme well, with some witty/urbane one liners thrown in for show.

Oh, I don't see it that critical either.

There was some irony, or was it more like sarcasm,… no, rather full satire. It's somehow the counterpart of those scripts that treat a generic but interchangeable plot. This script rather takes a clear decision to deal with obvious nonsense/ insignificance in a free, provocative, and pretty entertaining manner. All along the way there's a unique attitude of easiness. I enjoyed. Stay different. It works 100% for me. Quite strong writer, storyteller imo.

I'm not looking to really break down technical stuff too much while reading an 8 page short, but how do i know he's a Hollywood actor, and why would I assume he'd be in a shithole hotel?

This is a gripe of mine.  I don't mind music cues in scripts... I do however mind when it's a song I've never heard of.  it trips me up.  I have to stop and wonder if by knowing the song I'd be getting something that subtly relates to the story.  Yeah, i overthink it, but if his ringtone was... Bohemian Rhapsody (cliche i know) i'd at least think "ok, i know this song, reading on."

The dialogue isn't very well written, imo.

This is the most amateur of the entries I've read so far.  no offense.  

What's Marty going for these days?  You think you can get him to fit the low budget parameters?  I'm sure you could...

Scorsese directing a movie with a character named "Smash Collins"  ...

Yeah, sorry, passing on this one.  

I read it all but it didn't do anything for me, sorry. Hard for me to offer constructive criticism as this is all over the place. So I'll just say well done for entering.

-Mark

Good premise. Doesn't make much sense after that. Lots of confusing inconsistencies.

The Scorsese/Sorkin stuff belongs to the comedy genre. It's a reality-breakingly silly idea that they'd be collaborating, and on this film, and it doesn't work in a thriller/drama.

The conflict doesn't really go anywhere and it doesn't really reveal anything about the characters.

Might play better as a dark comedy, a la Swimming with Sharks.

As is, doesn't work at all.

Tricky to follow at times - maybe a rush to submit...

Not sure what to make of the whole Scorsese bit, any ‘director’ could have worked.  Chad’s reaction to having a gun pulled on him felt unrealistic.  Pity as the idea had potential but it just didn’t develop beyond a disgruntled/insane cabby taking revenge for not getting a job.  Story needed more fleshing out for me - just didn’t seem to take us anywhere.  

Limousine not LIMOSUINE

There were quite a few typos to keep up with.

A little over the place... Using Scorsese is slightly beyond budget lol

Also staying a shitty hotel when he's a successful actor seems strange.
I read it through to the end not bad

Good job on entering

Why does Chad wonder who else was up for this part? Why is Kyle angry at Chad, when he should be angry at Scorsese, considering the way that Scorsese treated him? And why do they use the word terminate, especially when referring to traffic? These questions are why it didn't work for me.