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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2016 One Week Challenge  ›  Sorry Dave - OWC
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  Author    Sorry Dave - OWC  (currently 3643 views)
Don
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 8:33am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Sorry Dave by S. Q. Brik - Short - The last cab is a self-driving nightmare for it's passenger. - pdf, format


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Grandma Bear
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 9:12am Report to Moderator
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This was great! Reminded me of that robot driver in Total Recall...the first one. The great one.

I think you should also have Hal talk like Hal 9000. Very calm and soothing and then Slower and slower after the water incident.

You managed to escalate Dave's nightmare throughout, so good job on that too.

Good luck!  


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 9:34am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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The title was a little dull for me, and the log-line was quite literal.

It was well written, nicely formatted.

It got quite boring and repetitive for me by the bottom of page 4. It improved considerably after that.

I definitely liked the interaction at the end with the robot, who was very well written.


Overall, I thought it was OK. Already I am seeing a pattern in these shorts...people in a taxi, one gets killed. This, like the others I've read, is a very simple story...there's no real dramatic irony, so it's not really complete.

It's just a random guy getting killed due to new technology (which was kind of hard to buy). To be a complete story it would work better if he was the creator, and was anal about time keeping, or taxis not being reliable, or predictable..whatever...so he's killed by the thing he himself loves.
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DaveTroop
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 9:46am Report to Moderator
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Good job on this one.
Shades of 2001 for sure.
I enjoyed HAL'S relentless droning and Dave's escalating anger and frustration.
Totally met the requirements.
Good luck.
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Heretic
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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Stanley, right?

The one thing bumping me is the review web address. Seems out of technological touch. Shouldn't there be a QR code to scan, or something easier and more modern?

It's good fun! Clean and smooth, and the argument on the phone works well. It's just a technological boogeyman story, but it's worth a laugh. It could probably be even shorter -- losing some stuff off the first half -- without missing much.
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Wes
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one. Love the 2001 references. Love the frustration with modern technology.
Good work


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grademan
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
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You sprinkle enough 2001: A Space Odyssey references into this script to satisfy most fans. But it works if you don't know the references too. I liked the simple premise and clear writing. Does HAROLD stand for anything?
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Cameron
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 2:32pm Report to Moderator
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I stupidly read the comments before the script, and wasn't too keen on a 2001 rip off. That being said my opinion completely changed after a couple of pages.

The frustration felt real, and I actually found myself laughing out loud at a couple of parts.

Really good work, well in writer
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CindyLKeller
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 2:37pm Report to Moderator
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My favorite so far. Funny stuff here. I definately felt his pain.
Only caught one typo.

Great job and congrats,

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 2:43pm Report to Moderator
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I quite liked this thought the ending felt a little anti-climatic.

Good characters and good banter.

I'd consider upgrading some tech, web addresses, swiping cards etc, they felt behind the cab itself.

Overall good effort.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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SimonM
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 3:38pm Report to Moderator
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Not bad - chugged along nicely, not overburdened with descriptions or dialogue.

But I don't know, lacked something. It was a nice idea but really that's all it was - a nice idea. It didn't really feel as if there was any substance for me.

I'm not overly keen on non-sentient characters like robots, so it may just be me - other seemed to like it.

3 out of 5 for me.
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eldave1
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 4:32pm Report to Moderator
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How can I not like a script with Dave in the title?

There were a few nit typos here and there, but overall I liked this one. The dialogue from Dave was humorous and Hal's voice was perfect.

An enjoyable read and a solid effort.  


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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EWall433
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 4:39pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this for the most part, but I agree with those who said it lacked something. Perhaps dramatic irony, perhaps a simple turn in the scene. Dave gets in the car already not liking it and nothing gives him any reason to feel differently. As a result, there's a bit of sameness across the whole thing. It may work better if he actually likes the car in the beginning. Maybe is even naively enamored with it at first, and the story can turn on the moment he realizes all is not rosy. It would allow him to go through a greater range of emotion, from "this is awesome" to "this really sucks" vs from "this kinda sucks" to "this REALLY sucks".

Otherwise, it builds nicely once the car blows passed the sign.
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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 1:15am Report to Moderator
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Need to spell out the numbers.  For a OWC, I'll overlook it, but need to fix it afterward.  Okay, that's all I have as far as problems.  This was really good!  I liked the heck out of it and read it all the way to the end.  My favorite so far, and easily filmed.  Dialog was good and Hal was a hoot.  I work on machines, so I enjoyed this!  Great job!


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
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nawazm11
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 6:52am Report to Moderator
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Inspired by 2001 of course, decent effort, can't fault you for much. Wasn't as receptive to it as I should've been, probably because it was obvious where the story was going. Not much to say here unfortunately.
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