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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2016 One Week Challenge  ›  Sorry Dave - OWC
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  Author    Sorry Dave - OWC  (currently 3642 views)
oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 11:02am Report to Moderator
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Funny! This is a great idea too, I love Dave's reactions - not compliant but still rolls with the punches until the very end. Low budget, easy to film, this short is a winner - good luck, hope it gets filmed.
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DanC
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 11:15am Report to Moderator
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This was pretty good.  On page 6 you have a missing word.  Hal says "That would (BE) irresponsible.  You are missing the "BE"

I enjoyed it, but, you really missed on several great ideas to take it to the extreme.  Really make this the cab ride from Hell where not only does he have to use their cell phone provider, but, their internet, their sports service etc.

And you really missed out on the ending.  Why not show the water piling in the cab?  That would have been really exciting.

Overall, solid.  

7/10

Dan


Please read my scripts:
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I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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irish eyes
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 4:52pm Report to Moderator
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This was very good.

Nice set up and enjoyed Dave getting more frustrated after every swipe.
Great use of a robot driver.

The writing was pretty solid

Great job on entering


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wonkavite
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 5:01pm Report to Moderator
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An obvious send-up/reference... I rather enjoyed this one!  Well written.  A bit too straightforward at the end, IMO (no real twist.)  But still a satisfactory read and lightly humorous.  

Budgetarily?  Not sure how hard this would be to film, but it'd be fun to see.  
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ChrisBodily
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 10:31pm Report to Moderator
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P1 - No FADE IN, but then again, you're Q. Brick so you can get away with it.

Code

INT.  TAXI – NIGHT



You go right into it! Nice.

Code

A steady rain beats on the windshield.



You're gonna use a hose and sprinkler, right?

Nice capped sounds.

DAVE and HAL. Sounds familiar...

P2 "One cents"? Is this an intentional automation quirk or a typo? Then again, we live in a world where 50 Cent (and "birfday") is acceptable grammar.   But I dare not criticize the greatest director of all time.

P3 "XD-One." Letter abbreviations are usually hyphenated. ex. M-T-V or F-B-I.

Code

              HAL
        I’m afraid I can’t arrange that, 
        Dave.



Something very familiar about this scenario...

Code

HAL
I can’t do that, Dave.



Awfully familiar!

"Privacy[,] my ass."

P4

Code

              DAVE (CONT'D)
        In case you didn’t notice, it’s 
        raining like the day after Noah 
        loaded up the ark.



I love this line, but we can already see it. A little OTN. The whole telephone convo is OTN, even though I love the dialogue.

P5 "Damn straight[,] I will."

Code

              DAVE
        No, not that sign, the high water 
        sign.



Good, I was about to call you out on more OTN dialogue.

P6 You usually don't cap dialogue, no matter how loud or angry it's spoken.

Code

              HAL
        That would irresponsible, Dave.



Intentional malfunction or typo?

P7

Code

              DAVE
        NO!  NO! OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!



Something familiar about that line...

Wow. I loved it. Conflict, tension, suspense, technology. I'd love to see this in 70mm.

My verdict...

Bum...

Bum...

Buuuuuummmmmm....

DUH-Nuuuuuuhhhhhhhh

A+ Recommend


FADE IN:
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 12:25pm Report to Moderator
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Probably not going to be low budget, but a nice angle.

Not sure why you had to make Dave so annoying, as this limited how I felt about his demise. May be you wanted him to get what's coming to him etc but I think there were other angles that could have been interesting eg say he was techy who loves all the computer stuff, iat would have a sense of irony as it fails.

Nice work

Consider


My scripts  HERE

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stevemiles
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
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Simple and to the point.  The frustrations of modern technology, great angle for the challenge.  Could get this done on a budget with a bit of effort.  Think you could play with the idea a little more, maybe work in a stronger pay-off, ending was a bit so-so.  Maybe if Dave was more the unwitting author of his own demise.  Otherwise a good read -- liked the little 2001 references.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


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Warren
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 10:26pm Report to Moderator
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Short and sweet. I like this one and don’t really have anything for you.

Good job.


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LC
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 7:31am Report to Moderator
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The perils of replacing human beings with machines/robotics.

FYI, apostrophe needed 'this vehicle's...' Towards the end.

Entertaining, chuckled at a couple of lines, flows well, written well. Just a tiny bit derivative. It would help if the characters had  different names, but I assume you've stuck with Hal and Dave as homage.


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SAC
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 10:28pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Writer,

Last read of the OWC. This was pretty good. I laughed at Hal's interaction with Dave, loved them plowing into a wall of water. Was good fun, a simple tale of man vs. machine. And while it held my interest, it never concluded with that wow moment, or cool twist and reveal. Some scripts don't need them, maybe this is one of them, but with nothing but a failure to reach the destination, you really just have more of a funny skit and not a full, fleshed out story. That would've helped a bit. Still, as is it adheres to the challenge parameters and made me smile. Good job!

Steve


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Gum
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 1:59am Report to Moderator
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Slick, futuristic ride. I really liked it.

5G Network? Not sure Dave would worry about drowning if he actually put that phone to his head, not sure he'd actually have a lower brain stem left either. Alas, they'll say it's fine.

HAL was spot on as the virtual transporter. This will probably go into production before the day is out, it works so well. Great job.
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MarkItZero
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 2:03am Report to Moderator
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Nice work. A great concept and a fun, easy read. I have two very tiny, nitpicky things I'll throw in for your consideration:


Quoted Text

HAL
Your estimated trip time is now 30
point seven minutes.

Dave pulls out his cell phone.

DAVE
Late, late, late.


**Here I felt he almost takes it in stride too well. Maybe just a pissed off glare would work better?


Quoted Text

HAL
To rate your experience, please
visit w-w-w dot Discovery Trans dot
com slash review.

DAVE
Damn straight I will.


**Might be funnier if you have Hal start to spell out every single letter of the whole web address individually and Dave flips out mid way through.  

Again, this was well written and really solid stuff. I'll give you a CONSIDER.



That rug really tied the room together.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 6:02pm Report to Moderator
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The major problem here upfront and throughout imo… If you show it's a silhouette that drives, the "robot", and you furthermore give no visuals about the taxi's interior being futuristic of some kind, but on the other hand you indicate via dialogue constantly it is the future – sorry, that would feel like wannabe filmmaking on screen, as showing war with water guns. There's just no authenticity imo, and I don't understand why you push the budget in the flood shot instead…



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DustinBowcot
Posted: August 18th, 2016, 12:10pm Report to Moderator
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Excellent... well done. A rec.
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Stumpzian
Posted: August 18th, 2016, 5:08pm Report to Moderator
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This reads well, moves well, doesn't try to do too much. Hal has the same irritating delivery he had in the movie.
A thought: At the end, maybe Dave wants to call 911, but Hal says he has to swipe again. Dave does, but this time his card is declined. Glub, glub.
Henry



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