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Funny! This is a great idea too, I love Dave's reactions - not compliant but still rolls with the punches until the very end. Low budget, easy to film, this short is a winner - good luck, hope it gets filmed.
This was pretty good. On page 6 you have a missing word. Hal says "That would (BE) irresponsible. You are missing the "BE"
I enjoyed it, but, you really missed on several great ideas to take it to the extreme. Really make this the cab ride from Hell where not only does he have to use their cell phone provider, but, their internet, their sports service etc.
And you really missed out on the ending. Why not show the water piling in the cab? That would have been really exciting.
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An obvious send-up/reference... I rather enjoyed this one! Well written. A bit too straightforward at the end, IMO (no real twist.) But still a satisfactory read and lightly humorous.
Budgetarily? Not sure how hard this would be to film, but it'd be fun to see.
P1 - No FADE IN, but then again, you're Q. Brick so you can get away with it.
Code
INT. TAXI – NIGHT
You go right into it! Nice.
Code
A steady rain beats on the windshield.
You're gonna use a hose and sprinkler, right?
Nice capped sounds.
DAVE and HAL. Sounds familiar...
P2 "One cents"? Is this an intentional automation quirk or a typo? Then again, we live in a world where 50 Cent (and "birfday") is acceptable grammar. But I dare not criticize the greatest director of all time.
P3 "XD-One." Letter abbreviations are usually hyphenated. ex. M-T-V or F-B-I.
Code
HAL
I’m afraid I can’t arrange that,
Dave.
Something very familiar about this scenario...
Code
HAL
I can’t do that, Dave.
Awfully familiar!
"Privacy[,] my ass."
P4
Code
DAVE (CONT'D)
In case you didn’t notice, it’s
raining like the day after Noah
loaded up the ark.
I love this line, but we can already see it. A little OTN. The whole telephone convo is OTN, even though I love the dialogue.
P5 "Damn straight[,] I will."
Code
DAVE
No, not that sign, the high water
sign.
Good, I was about to call you out on more OTN dialogue.
P6 You usually don't cap dialogue, no matter how loud or angry it's spoken.
Code
HAL
That would irresponsible, Dave.
Intentional malfunction or typo?
P7
Code
DAVE
NO! NO! OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!
Something familiar about that line...
Wow. I loved it. Conflict, tension, suspense, technology. I'd love to see this in 70mm.
Probably not going to be low budget, but a nice angle.
Not sure why you had to make Dave so annoying, as this limited how I felt about his demise. May be you wanted him to get what's coming to him etc but I think there were other angles that could have been interesting eg say he was techy who loves all the computer stuff, iat would have a sense of irony as it fails.
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Simple and to the point. The frustrations of modern technology, great angle for the challenge. Could get this done on a budget with a bit of effort. Think you could play with the idea a little more, maybe work in a stronger pay-off, ending was a bit so-so. Maybe if Dave was more the unwitting author of his own demise. Otherwise a good read -- liked the little 2001 references.
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The perils of replacing human beings with machines/robotics.
FYI, apostrophe needed 'this vehicle's...' Towards the end.
Entertaining, chuckled at a couple of lines, flows well, written well. Just a tiny bit derivative. It would help if the characters had different names, but I assume you've stuck with Hal and Dave as homage.
Last read of the OWC. This was pretty good. I laughed at Hal's interaction with Dave, loved them plowing into a wall of water. Was good fun, a simple tale of man vs. machine. And while it held my interest, it never concluded with that wow moment, or cool twist and reveal. Some scripts don't need them, maybe this is one of them, but with nothing but a failure to reach the destination, you really just have more of a funny skit and not a full, fleshed out story. That would've helped a bit. Still, as is it adheres to the challenge parameters and made me smile. Good job!
5G Network? Not sure Dave would worry about drowning if he actually put that phone to his head, not sure he'd actually have a lower brain stem left either. Alas, they'll say it's fine.
HAL was spot on as the virtual transporter. This will probably go into production before the day is out, it works so well. Great job.
The major problem here upfront and throughout imo… If you show it's a silhouette that drives, the "robot", and you furthermore give no visuals about the taxi's interior being futuristic of some kind, but on the other hand you indicate via dialogue constantly it is the future – sorry, that would feel like wannabe filmmaking on screen, as showing war with water guns. There's just no authenticity imo, and I don't understand why you push the budget in the flood shot instead…
This reads well, moves well, doesn't try to do too much. Hal has the same irritating delivery he had in the movie. A thought: At the end, maybe Dave wants to call 911, but Hal says he has to swipe again. Dave does, but this time his card is declined. Glub, glub. Henry