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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2016 One Week Challenge  ›  Sorry Dave - OWC
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  Author    Sorry Dave - OWC  (currently 3641 views)
Conz
Posted: August 18th, 2016, 5:16pm Report to Moderator
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Wish i read this one earlier, b/c at this point i'm sick of the AI cabs.  I get tired of the robotic character repeating the person's name and the company policies.

There wasn't too much to this one, but i think i liked it more than the others I mentioned.  The ending was a pretty clever way to spin this type of story, imo.

this is a possible pick.


I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.  

"Career" Highlights
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 19th, 2016, 7:49am Report to Moderator
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I like this. An obvious and enjoyable homage to the one and only part of 2001 I understood and enjoyed! I know, I know, it's a classic but when I watched it as a kid it was too weird for me and I had to read the book to figure out the rest of the story.

Anyway, Hal is perfect. A logical AI that's impossible to argue with. Dave needs some work. He's very annoying and unnatural sounding in parts, the telephone call in particular.

I would think an automatic car in the future would be programmed to deal with common obstacles like flooding, but as you only had a week to come up with this scenario I'll buy it.

It does need something a bit more, I'm not quite sure what but it feels like something is missing which would enhance it. I'd encourage working on this outside the OWC.

I think this could be done low budget if you got creative. It ticks all the boxes for me and would get a rec if I was eligible to vote, which I'm not!

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 19th, 2016, 9:53am Report to Moderator
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3 more to go, including this.  I will attempt to provide detailed feedback.

Page 1 - How does a silhouette sit alone?  A perfect example of a writer trying to be cutesy and failing.

I have to assume Hal is the Driver, so why isn't the Driver intro'd as Hal?

"The taxi slips into the gear as the wipers sweep back and forth.  They drive into the continuing rain." - Very awkwardly written.

Page 2 - 32 point two minutes?  .2 minutes?  Should be seconds given here.

20 dollars and one cents?  Should be "cent", but you should be writing out these numbers, not using actual numbers, and why you're using both is beyond me.

These numbers are getting very irritating, and the crazy thing is sometimes you spell out the numbers right next to an actual number. Not good at all.

Very dull so far, I'm sorry today.  The Hal 2001 stuff is not humorous to me at all.

Page 5 - A wall of water?  Like, just hanging there?  LOL...not working...not working at all.  Like Dave has never come across a cab like this?  I honestly don't get it, but I'll slog on, as I'm almost done.

The end.  Sorry, didn't work for me at all.  Dull, unrealistic, annoying, even.

Grade C-
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Hunter
Posted: August 24th, 2016, 2:23am Report to Moderator
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This was a great story about the perils of self-driving cars. Great work.


I would love feedback on any of these!
Back to Class: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1453330945/ (comedy series, RECENTLY UPDATED DEC. '16)
Cause & Effect: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1472594865/ (comedy-drama series)
Waking Up: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1452376264/ (comedy series)
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Warren
Posted: August 27th, 2016, 5:20pm Report to Moderator
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Well deserved win, congrats.


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DanC
Posted: August 28th, 2016, 12:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Richard, nice job.  I hope you fix the errors and issues with the story.  This was one of my fav ones and I think you have a solid little story here.  

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: August 29th, 2016, 8:38am Report to Moderator
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Congrats. I was able to visualize this and it fit the bill with the OWC criteria. I would probably suggest noting during Daves dialogue that this is a prototype taxi. I will suspect the company will have better emergency measures.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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