Sorry Dave by S. Q. Brik - Short - The last cab is a self-driving nightmare for it's passenger. - pdf, format

This was great! Reminded me of that robot driver in Total Recall...the first one. The great one.

I think you should also have Hal talk like Hal 9000. Very calm and soothing and then Slower and slower after the water incident.

You managed to escalate Dave's nightmare throughout, so good job on that too.

Good luck!  

The title was a little dull for me, and the log-line was quite literal.

It was well written, nicely formatted.

It got quite boring and repetitive for me by the bottom of page 4. It improved considerably after that.

I definitely liked the interaction at the end with the robot, who was very well written.


Overall, I thought it was OK. Already I am seeing a pattern in these shorts...people in a taxi, one gets killed. This, like the others I've read, is a very simple story...there's no real dramatic irony, so it's not really complete.

It's just a random guy getting killed due to new technology (which was kind of hard to buy). To be a complete story it would work better if he was the creator, and was anal about time keeping, or taxis not being reliable, or predictable..whatever...so he's killed by the thing he himself loves.

Good job on this one.
Shades of 2001 for sure.
I enjoyed HAL'S relentless droning and Dave's escalating anger and frustration.
Totally met the requirements.
Good luck.

Stanley, right?

The one thing bumping me is the review web address. Seems out of technological touch. Shouldn't there be a QR code to scan, or something easier and more modern?

It's good fun! Clean and smooth, and the argument on the phone works well. It's just a technological boogeyman story, but it's worth a laugh. It could probably be even shorter -- losing some stuff off the first half -- without missing much.

I liked this one. Love the 2001 references. Love the frustration with modern technology.
Good work

You sprinkle enough 2001: A Space Odyssey references into this script to satisfy most fans. But it works if you don't know the references too. I liked the simple premise and clear writing. Does HAROLD stand for anything?

I stupidly read the comments before the script, and wasn't too keen on a 2001 rip off. That being said my opinion completely changed after a couple of pages.

The frustration felt real, and I actually found myself laughing out loud at a couple of parts.

Really good work, well in writer

My favorite so far. Funny stuff here. I definately felt his pain.
Only caught one typo.

Great job and congrats,

Cindy

I quite liked this thought the ending felt a little anti-climatic.

Good characters and good banter.

I'd consider upgrading some tech, web addresses, swiping cards etc, they felt behind the cab itself.

Overall good effort.

Not bad - chugged along nicely, not overburdened with descriptions or dialogue.

But I don't know, lacked something. It was a nice idea but really that's all it was - a nice idea. It didn't really feel as if there was any substance for me.

I'm not overly keen on non-sentient characters like robots, so it may just be me - other seemed to like it.

3 out of 5 for me.

How can I not like a script with Dave in the title?

There were a few nit typos here and there, but overall I liked this one. The dialogue from Dave was humorous and Hal's voice was perfect.

An enjoyable read and a solid effort.  

I enjoyed this for the most part, but I agree with those who said it lacked something. Perhaps dramatic irony, perhaps a simple turn in the scene. Dave gets in the car already not liking it and nothing gives him any reason to feel differently. As a result, there's a bit of sameness across the whole thing. It may work better if he actually likes the car in the beginning. Maybe is even naively enamored with it at first, and the story can turn on the moment he realizes all is not rosy. It would allow him to go through a greater range of emotion, from "this is awesome" to "this really sucks" vs from "this kinda sucks" to "this REALLY sucks".

Otherwise, it builds nicely once the car blows passed the sign.

Need to spell out the numbers.  For a OWC, I'll overlook it, but need to fix it afterward.  Okay, that's all I have as far as problems.  This was really good!  I liked the heck out of it and read it all the way to the end.  My favorite so far, and easily filmed.  Dialog was good and Hal was a hoot.  I work on machines, so I enjoyed this!  Great job!

Inspired by 2001 of course, decent effort, can't fault you for much. Wasn't as receptive to it as I should've been, probably because it was obvious where the story was going. Not much to say here unfortunately.

Funny! This is a great idea too, I love Dave's reactions - not compliant but still rolls with the punches until the very end. Low budget, easy to film, this short is a winner - good luck, hope it gets filmed.

This was pretty good.  On page 6 you have a missing word.  Hal says "That would (BE) irresponsible.  You are missing the "BE"

I enjoyed it, but, you really missed on several great ideas to take it to the extreme.  Really make this the cab ride from Hell where not only does he have to use their cell phone provider, but, their internet, their sports service etc.

And you really missed out on the ending.  Why not show the water piling in the cab?  That would have been really exciting.

Overall, solid.  

7/10

Dan

This was very good.

Nice set up and enjoyed Dave getting more frustrated after every swipe.
Great use of a robot driver.

The writing was pretty solid

Great job on entering

An obvious send-up/reference... I rather enjoyed this one!  Well written.  A bit too straightforward at the end, IMO (no real twist.)  But still a satisfactory read and lightly humorous.  

Budgetarily?  Not sure how hard this would be to film, but it'd be fun to see.  

P1 - No FADE IN, but then again, you're Q. Brick so you can get away with it.

Code INT.  TAXI – NIGHT

You go right into it! Nice.

Code A steady rain beats on the windshield.

You're gonna use a hose and sprinkler, right?

Nice capped sounds.

DAVE and HAL. Sounds familiar...

P2 "One cents"? Is this an intentional automation quirk or a typo? Then again, we live in a world where 50 Cent (and "birfday") is acceptable grammar.   But I dare not criticize the greatest director of all time.

P3 "XD-One." Letter abbreviations are usually hyphenated. ex. M-T-V or F-B-I.

Code               HAL         I’m afraid I can’t arrange that,         Dave.

Something very familiar about this scenario...

Code HAL I can’t do that, Dave.

Awfully familiar!

"Privacy[,] my ass."

P4

Code               DAVE (CONT'D)         In case you didn’t notice, it’s         raining like the day after Noah         loaded up the ark.

I love this line, but we can already see it. A little OTN. The whole telephone convo is OTN, even though I love the dialogue.

P5 "Damn straight[,] I will."

Code               DAVE         No, not that sign, the high water         sign.

Good, I was about to call you out on more OTN dialogue.

P6 You usually don't cap dialogue, no matter how loud or angry it's spoken.

Code               HAL         That would irresponsible, Dave.

Intentional malfunction or typo?

P7

Code               DAVE         NO!  NO! OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!

Something familiar about that line...

Wow. I loved it. Conflict, tension, suspense, technology. I'd love to see this in 70mm.

My verdict...

Bum...

Bum...

Buuuuuummmmmm....

DUH-Nuuuuuuhhhhhhhh

A+ Recommend

Probably not going to be low budget, but a nice angle.

Not sure why you had to make Dave so annoying, as this limited how I felt about his demise. May be you wanted him to get what's coming to him etc but I think there were other angles that could have been interesting eg say he was techy who loves all the computer stuff, iat would have a sense of irony as it fails.

Nice work

Consider

Simple and to the point.  The frustrations of modern technology, great angle for the challenge.  Could get this done on a budget with a bit of effort.  Think you could play with the idea a little more, maybe work in a stronger pay-off, ending was a bit so-so.  Maybe if Dave was more the unwitting author of his own demise.  Otherwise a good read -- liked the little 2001 references.

Short and sweet. I like this one and don’t really have anything for you.

Good job.

The perils of replacing human beings with machines/robotics.

FYI, apostrophe needed 'this vehicle's...' Towards the end.

Entertaining, chuckled at a couple of lines, flows well, written well. Just a tiny bit derivative. It would help if the characters had  different names, but I assume you've stuck with Hal and Dave as homage.

Writer,

Last read of the OWC. This was pretty good. I laughed at Hal's interaction with Dave, loved them plowing into a wall of water. Was good fun, a simple tale of man vs. machine. And while it held my interest, it never concluded with that wow moment, or cool twist and reveal. Some scripts don't need them, maybe this is one of them, but with nothing but a failure to reach the destination, you really just have more of a funny skit and not a full, fleshed out story. That would've helped a bit. Still, as is it adheres to the challenge parameters and made me smile. Good job!

Steve

Slick, futuristic ride. I really liked it.

5G Network? Not sure Dave would worry about drowning if he actually put that phone to his head, not sure he'd actually have a lower brain stem left either. Alas, they'll say it's fine.

HAL was spot on as the virtual transporter. This will probably go into production before the day is out, it works so well. Great job.

Nice work. A great concept and a fun, easy read. I have two very tiny, nitpicky things I'll throw in for your consideration:

Quoted Text HAL Your estimated trip time is now 30 point seven minutes. Dave pulls out his cell phone. DAVE Late, late, late.

**Here I felt he almost takes it in stride too well. Maybe just a pissed off glare would work better?

Quoted Text HAL To rate your experience, please visit w-w-w dot Discovery Trans dot com slash review. DAVE Damn straight I will.

**Might be funnier if you have Hal start to spell out every single letter of the whole web address individually and Dave flips out mid way through.  

Again, this was well written and really solid stuff. I'll give you a CONSIDER.

The major problem here upfront and throughout imo… If you show it's a silhouette that drives, the "robot", and you furthermore give no visuals about the taxi's interior being futuristic of some kind, but on the other hand you indicate via dialogue constantly it is the future – sorry, that would feel like wannabe filmmaking on screen, as showing war with water guns. There's just no authenticity imo, and I don't understand why you push the budget in the flood shot instead…

Excellent... well done. A rec.

This reads well, moves well, doesn't try to do too much. Hal has the same irritating delivery he had in the movie.
A thought: At the end, maybe Dave wants to call 911, but Hal says he has to swipe again. Dave does, but this time his card is declined. Glub, glub.
Henry

Wish i read this one earlier, b/c at this point i'm sick of the AI cabs.  I get tired of the robotic character repeating the person's name and the company policies.

There wasn't too much to this one, but i think i liked it more than the others I mentioned.  The ending was a pretty clever way to spin this type of story, imo.

this is a possible pick.

I like this. An obvious and enjoyable homage to the one and only part of 2001 I understood and enjoyed! I know, I know, it's a classic but when I watched it as a kid it was too weird for me and I had to read the book to figure out the rest of the story.

Anyway, Hal is perfect. A logical AI that's impossible to argue with. Dave needs some work. He's very annoying and unnatural sounding in parts, the telephone call in particular.

I would think an automatic car in the future would be programmed to deal with common obstacles like flooding, but as you only had a week to come up with this scenario I'll buy it.

It does need something a bit more, I'm not quite sure what but it feels like something is missing which would enhance it. I'd encourage working on this outside the OWC.

I think this could be done low budget if you got creative. It ticks all the boxes for me and would get a rec if I was eligible to vote, which I'm not!

-Mark

3 more to go, including this.  I will attempt to provide detailed feedback.

Page 1 - How does a silhouette sit alone?  A perfect example of a writer trying to be cutesy and failing.

I have to assume Hal is the Driver, so why isn't the Driver intro'd as Hal?

"The taxi slips into the gear as the wipers sweep back and forth.  They drive into the continuing rain." - Very awkwardly written.

Page 2 - 32 point two minutes?  .2 minutes?  Should be seconds given here.

20 dollars and one cents?  Should be "cent", but you should be writing out these numbers, not using actual numbers, and why you're using both is beyond me.

These numbers are getting very irritating, and the crazy thing is sometimes you spell out the numbers right next to an actual number. Not good at all.

Very dull so far, I'm sorry today.  The Hal 2001 stuff is not humorous to me at all.

Page 5 - A wall of water?  Like, just hanging there?  LOL...not working...not working at all.  Like Dave has never come across a cab like this?  I honestly don't get it, but I'll slog on, as I'm almost done.

The end.  Sorry, didn't work for me at all.  Dull, unrealistic, annoying, even.

Grade C-

This was a great story about the perils of self-driving cars. Great work.

Well deserved win, congrats.

Hey Richard, nice job.  I hope you fix the errors and issues with the story.  This was one of my fav ones and I think you have a solid little story here.  

Dan

Congrats. I was able to visualize this and it fit the bill with the OWC criteria. I would probably suggest noting during Daves dialogue that this is a prototype taxi. I will suspect the company will have better emergency measures.

Gabe