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I went into this thinking (and how could I not) that this was the umpteenth Bunnyman script. I'm kinda disappointed it wasn't.
I honestly got lost, and not to mention the deja vu. I agree the typos are distracting.
Way too much repetition and deja vu. At least keep it freah (and easy to follow) like the Back to the Future trilogy. BTTF Part II didn't simply retread the first film's 1955, it did something fresh.
If you're gonna do time travel, make it easy to follow and understand.
I would probably consider this with a significant rewrite. B
Great premise you have here! Well done. However, what's holding this back is the execution. The story between Brock and Wes seems to get so convoluted that I just followed along, knowing this was a good premise and waiting to see if you had a nifty reveal at the end. The reveal tied things up, but this just didn't leave me satisfied. Also, I'm guessing time restraint, but this has way too many typos/misspellings -- so many that it detracts from the read. Also, you tacked on an extra blank page at the end that makes it appear as if this is over the limit. It's not, of course, but some readers might have passed this by just based on that.
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This is an amazing concept. Based on all the typos, I’m assuming you just ran out of time. It’s a shame cuz this idea has so much potential. I would propose on of two things on the re-write:
A) Get rid of the opening entirely. You can open on him in the cab, already an experienced driver, without losing anything. He can do a little exposition through his dialogue with the passenger, then it's off to races.
B) Keep the opening, go straight from the warning that it’s a test run and he shouldn’t pick anyone up to him driving on the test run as a newbie driver… he fails to follow the warning and picks someone up and that causes him to go into the loop.
Gotta love the time travel paradox with the unsuspecting fare and a knowing driver. Enough said about typos and the distraction it causes. I too had to read the beginning again to get it straight in my head though. Very good work, just get someone to proof it for you!
Another writer who just doesn't understand how to break up passages...or how to write complete sentences with subjects...or when to attach a phrase to the sentence in front of it with a comma.
So awkward, and so dull on page 1, I'm going to bow out now, sorry to say.
This has a few things in common with other time-travel movies I've seen (Primer is the only title I can remember at the moment), but you've found an inventive variation. Jackrabbit Taxi. Yes, you have to neaten up the script, but you likely knew that even before it was posted. Not a big deal. You ought to pitch this to Netflix for a series. Henry
I didn't get the beginning with the bagel trip. Wasn't sure what the test was or why it made both parties agree to work for each other. I thought there would be a clever link back to the bagel thing at the end but there wasn't.
I also wasn't quite sure how he escaped the loop. Did he just go back in time to before the guy ordered the taxi? Seems quite an obvious way out, not sure why that is considered not being honest.
Timeywhimey stuff can be hard to get across in a script, especially one with so many typos so I'm sure it's just me. It's also hard to imagine if time travel was invented it would be used just to make taxis arrive on time, but it was a fun and original take on the OWC.
-Mark
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Solid, fun stuff that just needs a rewrite to clarify. As is, once you muddle out what the story is, it's an entertaining one. It's just a lot harder than it should be to muddle.
If there's a way to cut down on exposition, I'd fill up the extra time with more of a character clash between Brock and Wes. There's tons of conflict between them, and a lot more comedy could come out of it than does.
I liked it, but, the typos and other errors were annoying.
Some of the dialog was hard to follow. I think you should have started with Brock and with Wes telling him off...
SPOILERS I didn't understand how he went back in time 30 min to escape the time loop.
Also, at the beginning, if she told him not to open anything, even a window, how was he supposed to get the bagel at the shop, through the drive through?
Fix it up, I'd take out the beginning and start with Brock. That's your story. We learn nothing from the beginning part at all, no intro to the time travel car, and how can he work something so complex without training...
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I had to re-read this and re-read this just to get a few pages in but, when it finally hit me what was going on here I was all Gobsmacked n' shit... whatever that means. Massive points for imagination and, (I'm not just being pseudo intellectual here)... being intellectual about the persistent cash flow angle, wads of $100s, jeez...
Typos up the Ying/Yang but creative to say the least. Good work.
I was unclear at first how the intro part fed into the next bit. It felt like a sloppy transition that left me confused. Effectively, I'm ignoring the prologue and pretending this started at “CARPOOL”. I also feel like we don't really need to see how Wes got the job in order to set up what comes next.
The time loop Wes describes being trapped in seems like it would be easily broken by simply refusing any more fares. Am I missing something?
Page 9 “Wes programs a course in his computer.”
If he just stops doing that, he's free to leave.
There's some interesting ideas here. I found myself wondering how much his job would eat up his life if every day at work was essentially twice as long as it should be. By the end of the first year you'd be two years older. Extrapolate a career in this and there's some tragic consequences. Unfortunately I didn't buy into the particular problem you presented. I didn't see how there wasn't an easy fix, which pretty much debilitated any part of the story that stems from that.
It's ambitious and worth working on, but the logic either needs to be better thought through or better explained.
Jackrabbit by The Phantom Menace - Short, Sci Fi, Comedy - A rookie driver and a taxi that can can go back in time fifteen minutes so the client can never be late. With a skeptic as the fare, what can possibly go wrong? - pdf, format
Thanks to all who read this. it cae as a surprise to me, as the keyboard kept having the m skipping and I thought I got them all but it seems not to be the case. The script was not written in haste, however, even though I had an earlier preise that I decided would be better be served as a longer piece ("Honeycomb Apocalypse"- see 'work in progress' thread)
I actually shaved off some pages with Jackrabbit. I'll put the back soon. (we are talking three pages more) I . It is also possible during editing some things got garbled. That's on me. I don't think this is some of my best work in a OWC, but I was amazed at the overall positive response desite the errors.
Again, thanks to all who... oh--
You really did want The Bunnyman to show up? Hmmmm....