SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 2:56am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2016 One Week Challenge  ›  Jackrabbit - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Jackrabbit - OWC  (currently 3262 views)
ChrisBodily
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 12:55am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
572
Posts Per Day
0.17
I went into this thinking (and how could I not) that this was the umpteenth Bunnyman script. I'm kinda disappointed it wasn't.

I honestly got lost, and not to mention the deja vu. I agree the typos are distracting.

Way too much repetition and deja vu. At least keep it freah (and easy to follow) like the Back to the Future trilogy. BTTF Part II didn't simply retread the first film's 1955, it did something fresh.

If you're gonna do time travel, make it easy to follow and understand.

I would probably consider this with a significant rewrite. B


FADE IN:
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 15 - 29
SAC
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 10:17am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
3201
Posts Per Day
0.79
Writer,

Great premise you have here! Well done. However, what's holding this back is the execution. The story between Brock and Wes seems to get so convoluted that I just followed along, knowing this was a good premise and waiting to see if you had a nifty reveal at the end. The reveal tied things up, but this just didn't leave me satisfied. Also, I'm guessing time restraint, but this has way too many typos/misspellings -- so many that it detracts from the read. Also, you tacked on an extra blank page at the end that makes it appear as if this is over the limit. It's not, of course, but some readers might have passed this by just based on that.

Overall, a solid premise that needs work.

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 16 - 29
Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 4:31pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Part time writer

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2612
Posts Per Day
0.57
P2 pigs in her pocket!  A few typos as we go.

A time loop got a taxi - nice. I just couldn't get into it, in fact was quite confused

But it has something and given time, and a hearty clean up, could be a cheap to film curious idea.

Pass/consider


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 17 - 29
Warren
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.36
Sloppy writing with typos throughout and an extra page at the end.

Dialogue is expositional, 90% of your story happens in the dialogue, that’s going to be really boring on screen.

Doesn’t work for me.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 18 - 29
eldave1
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 9:54am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
Many, many typos.

Interesting premise - some parts were well done. But I found it inconsistent in quality.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 19 - 29
MarkItZero
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 2:32pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1007
Posts Per Day
0.35
This is an amazing concept. Based on all the typos, I’m assuming you just ran out of time. It’s a shame cuz this idea has so much potential. I would propose on of two things on the re-write:

A) Get rid of the opening entirely. You can open on him in the cab, already an experienced driver, without losing anything. He can do a little exposition through his dialogue with the passenger, then it's off to races.  

B) Keep the opening, go straight from the warning that it’s a test run and he shouldn’t pick anyone up to him driving on the test run as a newbie driver… he fails to follow the warning and picks someone up and that causes him to go into the loop.


That rug really tied the room together.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 20 - 29
JEStaats
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 3:45pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
1735
Posts Per Day
0.62
Gotta love the time travel paradox with the unsuspecting fare and a knowing driver. Enough said about typos and the distraction it causes. I too had to read the beginning again to get it straight in my head though. Very good work, just get someone to proof it for you!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 21 - 29
Dreamscale
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 5:02pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Oh boy...so many mistakes!  I can't take it!!

Another writer who just doesn't understand how to break up passages...or how to write complete sentences with subjects...or when to attach a phrase to the sentence in front of it with a comma.

So awkward, and so dull on page 1, I'm going to bow out now, sorry to say.

No grade
Logged
e-mail Reply: 22 - 29
Stumpzian
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 5:42pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
North Carolina
Posts
662
Posts Per Day
0.18
This has a few things in common with other time-travel movies I've seen (Primer is the only title I can remember at the moment), but you've found an inventive variation. Jackrabbit Taxi.
Yes, you have to neaten up the script, but you likely knew that even before it was posted. Not a big deal. You ought to pitch this to Netflix for a series.
Henry




Logged
Private Message Reply: 23 - 29
MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 18th, 2016, 10:06am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
2335
Posts Per Day
0.59
I didn't get the beginning with the bagel trip. Wasn't sure what the test was or why it made both parties agree to work for each other. I thought there would be a clever link back to the bagel thing at the end but there wasn't.

I also wasn't quite sure how he escaped the loop. Did he just go back in time to before the guy ordered the taxi? Seems quite an obvious way out, not sure why that is considered not being honest.  

Timeywhimey stuff can be hard to get across in a script, especially one with so many typos so I'm sure it's just me. It's also hard to imagine if time travel was invented it would be used just to make taxis arrive on time, but it was a fun and original take on the OWC.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK

Revision History (1 edits)
MarkRenshaw  -  August 21st, 2016, 5:56am
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 24 - 29
Heretic
Posted: August 19th, 2016, 11:49am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
Posts
2023
Posts Per Day
0.28
Solid, fun stuff that just needs a rewrite to clarify. As is, once you muddle out what the story is, it's an entertaining one. It's just a lot harder than it should be to muddle.

If there's a way to cut down on exposition, I'd fill up the extra time with more of a character clash between Brock and Wes. There's tons of conflict between them, and a lot more comedy could come out of it than does.

I liked it.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 25 - 29
DanC
Posted: August 19th, 2016, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Killing villains since 1980!

Location
Buffalo NY
Posts
1131
Posts Per Day
0.34
I liked it, but, the typos and other errors were annoying.

Some of the dialog was hard to follow.  I think you should have started with Brock and with Wes telling him off...

SPOILERS
I didn't understand how he went back in time 30 min to escape the time loop.  

Also, at the beginning, if she told him not to open anything, even a window, how was he supposed to get the bagel at the shop, through the drive through?

Fix it up, I'd take out the beginning and start with Brock.  That's your story.  We learn nothing from the beginning part at all, no intro to the time travel car, and how can he work something so complex without training...

6.5/10

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 26 - 29
Gum
Posted: August 19th, 2016, 10:01pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Some travelling Circus...
Posts
832
Posts Per Day
0.42
I had to re-read this and re-read this just to get a few pages in but, when it finally hit me what was going on here I was all Gobsmacked n' shit... whatever that means. Massive points for imagination and, (I'm not just being pseudo intellectual here)... being intellectual about the persistent cash flow angle, wads of $100s, jeez...

Typos up the Ying/Yang but creative to say the least. Good work.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 27 - 29
EWall433
Posted: August 20th, 2016, 11:32am Report to Moderator
New



Posts
423
Posts Per Day
0.11
I was unclear at first how the intro part fed into the next bit. It felt like a sloppy transition that left me confused. Effectively, I'm ignoring the prologue and pretending this started at “CARPOOL”. I also feel like we don't really need to see how Wes got the job in order to set up what comes next.

The time loop Wes describes being trapped in seems like it would be easily broken by simply refusing any more fares. Am I missing something?

Page 9 “Wes programs a course in his computer.”

If he just stops doing that, he's free to leave.

There's some interesting ideas here. I found myself wondering how much his job would eat up his life if every day at work was essentially twice as long as it should be. By the end of the first year you'd be two years older. Extrapolate a career in this and there's some tragic consequences. Unfortunately I didn't buy into the particular problem you presented. I didn't see how there wasn't an easy fix, which pretty much debilitated any part of the story that stems from that.

It's ambitious and worth working on, but the logic either needs to be better thought through or better explained.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 28 - 29
DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: September 1st, 2016, 11:52am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Michigan.USA
Posts
1522
Posts Per Day
0.31

Quoted from Don
Jackrabbit by The Phantom Menace - Short, Sci Fi, Comedy - A rookie driver and a taxi that can can go back in time fifteen minutes so the client can never be late. With a skeptic as the fare, what can possibly go wrong? - pdf, format


Thanks to all who read this. it cae as a surprise to me, as the keyboard kept having the m skipping and I thought I got them all but it seems not to be the case. The script was not written in haste, however, even though I had an earlier preise that I decided would be better be served as a longer piece ("Honeycomb Apocalypse"- see 'work in progress' thread)

I actually shaved off some pages with Jackrabbit. I'll put the back soon. (we are talking three pages more) I . It is also possible during editing some things got garbled. That's on me.
I don't think this is some of my best work in a OWC, but I was amazed at the overall positive response desite the errors.

Again, thanks to all who...
oh--

You really did want The Bunnyman to show up? Hmmmm....


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
Logged Offline
Site Private Message AIM YIM Reply: 29 - 29
 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    August 2016 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006