All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Aside from the girl(s) trapped in the boot, you might say Joe was trapped in the taxi as well? I liked it; one of my top three so far. I'd love to see another page or two to wrap it up a bit cleaner. Nice work!
This didn't work for me. In general, it's well written. The writer here knows his stuff for the most part and came up with a very creative taxi concept. However, there are no characters. Apparently I'm in the minority, but I don't think any genre of script works without characters.
I know nothing about Becca or Reggie. I don't know who they are, I don't know their personalities, I don't know really why they want to film this guy... nothing. Why should I care what happens to them? If you gave me one fully realized character I would care more about him/her getting their finger pricked by a thorn than either of these people getting cut to pieces.
There's just so much more potential here. From the opening, I get a sense you were trying to distinguish Becca as serious, professional and Reggie as more of a goofball. You need to build on that and take it further.
Quoted Text
LATER
The track is overgrown but visible. It is Large enough to accommodate a vehicle.
The woods grow more dense.
REGGIE (O.S.) I didn't realize it was such a hike to get out here.
BECCA (O.S.) I think we’re almost there.
**This is wasted potential. You could have them going down an embankment, Reggie jumping haphazardly from rock to rock. Becca says something like "If you don't take it slow you're gonna break your leg". Then he says "And have you nurse me back to health? Yes please." This builds on Reggie as a joker, reckless. It furthers Becca as serious, methodical.
Quoted Text
Reggie stumbles back, falls.
BECCA (O.S.) Careful with the camera.
REGGIE (O.S.) Careful with the camera she says. Don’t worry, I'm fine. Just had the life scared out of me.
**This was good. Becca is all obsessed with keeping her equipment in order, Reggie's kind of the goofball making light of the situation. Nice job here.
Quoted Text
EXT. WOODS - NIGHT
Becca looks directly into the camera. A light on the camera illuminates her.
BECCA So here we are. I’m just about to interview Taxi Joe. I’m interested to know his story. What brought him all the way out here? How he lives day to day? Does he have any hopes or ambitions? Let’s go find out. (to Reggie) How was that?
REGGIE (O.S.) Perfect.
**This needs work. It's all filler. You could have Becca going on about all the research she's done on this guy, how she's uncovered some odd stories, old articles... shows again how serious, bookwormish she is and could reveal something specific about why they're interviewing him. Then when she asks "how was that?" Reggie can go "Needs more cleavage" or something like that.
Again, the writing is good overall. And I am one of a very few people who even had a problem with this. But for me, no characters = no tension.
Visual concept convinced me throughout. I also think this found footage concept could work well with our young generation who all film their life. It's fast, short, and modern to me. Just one point: the last punch line (with Reggie) should be the big, big deal –- it isn't yet. Either make it funny as hell or truly disturbing to be 100% remarkable with your last impression. Very well done, a qualified execution.
Nice. I was wondering when one of these would pop up... locked in a trunk scenario. Writing's solid IMO. I think I get what you were going for here but, seems like you ran out of steam, ideas... or both.
Once... I voluntarily locked myself in the trunk of a car so a few friends and I could save on an admission price for an all night drive-in theater... shit you not, back in the day. It didn't actually occur to me until I was in the trunk that I was, y'know... locked in a f*kin' trunk. Why am I telling you this? I have no idea.
This script has its moments and, I think you could trim down the first few pages to get the reader into the trunk faster, then draw out some ambitious story re: getting out. After that, it could start to take shape. Seems like so much missed potential with this avenue of approach; trunk scenario that is. All just opinion of course... best of luck.
I dislike found-footage movies with a vengeance so I already had my GRRRRR head on before I started reading this. Therefore consider this a warning - this review may be quite biased lol!
This reads like a generic found-footage slasher horror with a taxi shoehorned in to meet the criteria. I didn't care at all about the documentary makers, so there was no tension at all for me. The nutter/cannibal in the woods has been done to death and this story adds nothing new to an overused cliche-filled genre.
Rant aside, it was well written and easy to follow. To me it does meet the criteria of the OWC and I can imagine it would be picked up for production because it is quite easy to film and fairly cheap.
-Mark
For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Found footage. Some love it. Some hate it. Some tolerate it. A lot of them don't always work. With that said, let's dive into Taxi Joe.
P1 Even though it's understood (since we're on a black screen), you should still use (O.S.), unless they're in front of a black background; which they're obviously not.
IN A NORMAL SCRIPT, the camera doesn't exist. Instead of saying "the camera" right off the bat, it should read:
Quoted Text
BECCA, 18, chubby, attractive, looks directly into her [not "the"] camera.
Treat the camera like a character. Maybe even ID the make and model, and format. For example, an iPhone camera; a Sony HD Handyman camcorder; a Canon Rebel T3i DSLR; a 16mm Arriflex 416 film camera; etc. Introduce the camera the way you would a character.
Once you do that, you can then call it "the" camera without offending screenwriting "purists."
Code
The camera spins around.
A word of caution: Don't go overboard on camera directions, found footage or not.
Code
REGGIE, 18, scruffy with a cheesy grin.
Incomplete sentence. What does he do? Or are you just introducing him?
Code
The track is overgrown, but visible.
Code
The woods open up to a makeshift campsite. An old beaten up
taxi and a dead campfire.
Nice description.
P2
Code
The area is scanned for signs of life.
Passive voice. Might read better (and sound more exciting) if it read:
Code
Becca and Reggie scan the area for signs of life.
Make sure you keep track of who is on and off screen. Then again, this can always vary or be improvised when you actually film it.
Code
REGGIE (O.S.)
Careful with the camera she says.
Not sure you need this "echo" line, but if you insist on keeping it, it needs a comma.
Code
Just had the
life scared out of me.
On-the-nose, much?
Code
JOE
What the hell ya’ll doin’ out ‘er?
Be extremely careful with that dialect. Not for political correctness, but because it could render Joe's dialogue as gibberish. Just write it in simple English and you'll be fine. Leave the dialect to the actor.
You could boil it down to "Could we ask you a few questions?" rather than explaining the whole premise over again.
P3
Code
JOE
Not interested.
Don't blame him; he's probably seen the worst of these kinds of movies.
Quoted Text
Reggie transfers the camera to Becca.
Passive voice.
Code
Reggie empties his wallet, counts it.
The money, or the wallet? Also it's "dollars."
"[I'm busy] at the present" sounds a little too literate for this guy.
Becca's dialogue is a bit long, and recaps what we just saw.
You could tidy it up like this:
Code
BECCA
I’m interested
to know Taxi Joe's story.
What brought him all the
way out here? How he lives
day to day? Does he have any hopes
or ambitions? Let’s go find out.
(to Reggie)
How was that?
Now Reggie can call it perfect.
P4
Quoted Text
REGGIE (O.S.) I don’t think he’s here. Eighteen bucks well spent.
Subtext.
Quoted Text
The camera illuminates the taxi as Becca walks around it.
Passive voice again.
Code
Zooms in on the trunk.
Careful with those camera directions. And you can merge the two lines, maybe a semicolon.
P5
Code
A WOMAN, 30’s, dressed in hiking apparel lies inside, beaten
and bloody. Arm amputated at the elbow.
Nice, vivid description. Could easily be filmed.
Code
The camera is lifted.
Another passive. Might want to change it to:
Code
Some[one][thing] lifts [or picks up] the camera.
Code
The taxi is illuminated by the camera’s light.
This line again. See above.
Final line is another passive. ---
Pretty solid script. I'm impressed. It could still use a few tweaks, as noted above.
Hey Warren, Nice job with it. As I said, it was kinda cliched. And the idea that he eats them is fine, but, the idea that he keeps them alive in the trunk, with limbs missing is unbelievable to me.
Perhaps they should interview him partially, have us find out he's a former doctor who went through something awful.
There is so much potential with this story.
However, you do have kinda one issue. The first found footage film, Cannibal Holocaust worked because we saw how they found the footage. In this one, how will the footage ever get found? He certainly isn't gonna mail it in.
You could have him watch it, I guess... Which adds to the creepy factor...
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
The found footage has been explained and the way he managed to keep her alive has been addressed, not to the point that it will satisfy everyone but to a point that I’m happy with.
I think if we over analysed every injury every actor ever got in a movie, we would have a lot of movies going nowhere fast. A lot of them would have gone into shock rendering them useless. I do agree that I needed to clean it up though and I have.
Thanks for the extra feedback, appreciated.
This will be resubmitted to the shorts thread soon.
Ummm, 2 things: 1. You're welcome. Glad that I could help you and glad that you liked my advice enough to accept it. Let me know if you need anything read.
2. I agree that we can't look at every injury, but. man, she's MISSING AN ARM. She didn't fracture it, even compound fracture, she's MISSING AN ARM. She's gonna die unless he tied off her arteries.
If you ever want to read a really interesting take on "can you eat yourself to death." Stephen King wrote a story called Survivor Type where he has to eat himself to stay alive. It's very well written and he said that he consulted a doctor for the entire story.
So, perhaps if she's missing a finger or even a hand, maybe. Arm? eh....
It could exist in the land where guns NEVER run out of ammo, all people's lips move one way, but, words in a different language from a voice that couldn't possibly come from that body fill the screen (bad dubs of movies), and porn stars forgetting their lines (I saw a hilarious spoof of that once)...
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!