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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2016 One Week Challenge  ›  Taxi Joe - OWC
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  Author    Taxi Joe - OWC  (currently 3613 views)
JEStaats
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 2:22pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Aside from the girl(s) trapped in the boot, you might say Joe was trapped in the taxi as well? I liked it; one of my top three so far. I'd love to see another page or two to wrap it up a bit cleaner. Nice work!
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MarkItZero
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 3:40pm Report to Moderator
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This didn't work for me. In general, it's well written. The writer here knows his stuff for the most part and came up with a very creative taxi concept. However, there are no characters. Apparently I'm in the minority, but I don't think any genre of script works without characters.

I know nothing about Becca or Reggie. I don't know who they are, I don't know their personalities, I don't know really why they want to film this guy... nothing. Why should I care what happens to them? If you gave me one fully realized character I would care more about him/her getting their finger pricked by a thorn than either of these people getting cut to pieces.

There's just so much more potential here. From the opening, I get a sense you were trying to distinguish Becca as serious, professional and Reggie as more of a goofball. You need to build on that and take it further.


Quoted Text

LATER

The track is overgrown but visible. It is Large enough to
accommodate a vehicle.

The woods grow more dense.

REGGIE (O.S.)
I didn't realize it was such a hike
to get out here.

BECCA (O.S.)
I think we’re almost there.


**This is wasted potential. You could have them going down an embankment, Reggie jumping haphazardly from rock to rock. Becca says something like "If you don't take it slow you're gonna break your leg". Then he says "And have you nurse me back to health? Yes please." This builds on Reggie as a joker, reckless. It furthers Becca as serious, methodical.



Quoted Text


Reggie stumbles back, falls.

BECCA (O.S.)
Careful with the camera.

REGGIE (O.S.)
Careful with the camera she says.
Don’t worry, I'm fine. Just had the
life scared out of me.


**This was good. Becca is all obsessed with keeping her equipment in order, Reggie's kind of the goofball making light of the situation. Nice job here.



Quoted Text

EXT. WOODS - NIGHT

Becca looks directly into the camera. A light on the camera
illuminates her.

BECCA
So here we are. I’m just about to
interview Taxi Joe. I’m interested
to know his story. What brought him
all the way out here? How he lives
day to day? Does he have any hopes
or ambitions? Let’s go find out.
(to Reggie)
How was that?

REGGIE (O.S.)
Perfect.



**This needs work. It's all filler. You could have Becca going on about all the research she's done on this guy, how she's uncovered some odd stories, old articles... shows again how serious, bookwormish she is and could reveal something specific about why they're interviewing him. Then when she asks "how was that?" Reggie can go "Needs more cleavage" or something like that.

Again, the writing is good overall. And I am one of a very few people who even had a problem with this. But for me, no characters = no tension.





That rug really tied the room together.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 6:01pm Report to Moderator
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Visual concept convinced me throughout. I also think this found footage concept could work well with our young generation who all film their life. It's fast, short, and modern to me. Just one point: the last punch line (with Reggie) should be the big, big deal –- it isn't yet. Either make it funny as hell or truly disturbing to be 100% remarkable with your last impression.
Very well done, a qualified execution.



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Gum
Posted: August 18th, 2016, 12:43am Report to Moderator
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Nice. I was wondering when one of these would pop up... locked in a trunk scenario. Writing's solid IMO. I think I get what you were going for here but, seems like you ran out of steam, ideas... or both.

Once... I voluntarily locked myself in the trunk of a car so a few friends and I could save on an admission price for an all night drive-in theater... shit you not, back in the day. It didn't actually occur to me until I was in the trunk that I was, y'know... locked in a f*kin' trunk. Why am I telling you this? I have no idea.

This script has its moments and, I think you could trim down the first few pages to get the reader into the trunk faster, then draw out some ambitious story re: getting out. After that, it could start to take shape. Seems like so much missed potential with this avenue of approach; trunk scenario that is. All just opinion of course... best of luck.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 19th, 2016, 8:57am Report to Moderator
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I dislike found-footage movies with a vengeance so I already had my GRRRRR head on before I started reading this. Therefore consider this a warning - this review may be quite biased lol!

This reads like a generic found-footage slasher horror with a taxi shoehorned in to meet the criteria. I didn't care at all about the documentary makers, so there was no tension at all for me. The nutter/cannibal in the woods has been done to death and this story adds nothing new to an overused cliche-filled genre.

Rant aside, it was well written and easy to follow. To me it does meet the criteria of the OWC and I can imagine it would be picked up for production because it is quite easy to film and fairly cheap.  

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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ChrisBodily
Posted: August 19th, 2016, 10:57pm Report to Moderator
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Found footage. Some love it. Some hate it. Some tolerate it. A lot of them don't always work. With that said, let's dive into Taxi Joe.

P1 Even though it's understood (since we're on a black screen), you should still use (O.S.), unless they're in front of a black background; which they're obviously not.

IN A NORMAL SCRIPT, the camera doesn't exist. Instead of saying "the camera" right off the bat, it should read:


Quoted Text
BECCA, 18, chubby, attractive, looks directly into her [not "the"]
camera.


Treat the camera like a character. Maybe even ID the make and model, and format. For example, an iPhone camera; a Sony HD Handyman camcorder; a Canon Rebel T3i DSLR; a 16mm Arriflex 416 film camera; etc. Introduce the camera the way you would a character.

Once you do that, you can then call it "the" camera without offending screenwriting "purists."

Code

The camera spins around.



A word of caution: Don't go overboard on camera directions, found footage or not.

Code

REGGIE, 18, scruffy with a cheesy grin.



Incomplete sentence. What does he do? Or are you just introducing him?

Code

The track is overgrown, but visible.



Code

The woods open up to a makeshift campsite. An old beaten up
taxi and a dead campfire.



Nice description.  

P2

Code

The area is scanned for signs of life.



Passive voice. Might read better (and sound more exciting) if it read:

Code

Becca and Reggie scan the area for signs of life.



Make sure you keep track of who is on and off screen. Then again, this can always vary or be improvised when you actually film it.

Code

REGGIE (O.S.)
Careful with the camera she says.



Not sure you need this "echo" line, but if you insist on keeping it, it needs a comma.

Code

Just had the
life scared out of me.



On-the-nose, much?

Code

JOE
What the hell ya’ll doin’ out ‘er?



Be extremely careful with that dialect. Not for political correctness, but because it could render Joe's dialogue as gibberish. Just write it in simple English and you'll be fine. Leave the dialect to the actor.

You could boil it down to "Could we ask you a few questions?" rather than explaining the whole premise over again.

P3

Code

JOE
Not interested.



Don't blame him; he's probably seen the worst of these kinds of movies.  


Quoted Text
Reggie transfers the camera to Becca.


Passive voice.

Code

Reggie empties his wallet, counts it.



The money, or the wallet? Also it's "dollars."

"[I'm busy] at the present" sounds a little too literate for this guy.

Becca's dialogue is a bit long, and recaps what we just saw.

You could tidy it up like this:

Code

BECCA
I’m interested
to know Taxi Joe's story. 
What brought him all the 
way out here? How he lives
day to day? Does he have any hopes
or ambitions? Let’s go find out.
(to Reggie)
How was that?



Now Reggie can call it perfect.

P4


Quoted Text
REGGIE (O.S.)
I don’t think he’s here.
Eighteen bucks well spent.


Subtext.


Quoted Text
The camera illuminates the taxi
as Becca walks around it.


Passive voice again.

Code

Zooms in on the trunk.



Careful with those camera directions. And you can merge the two lines, maybe a semicolon.

P5

Code

A WOMAN, 30’s, dressed in hiking apparel lies inside, beaten
and bloody. Arm amputated at the elbow.



Nice, vivid description. Could easily be filmed.

Code

The camera is lifted.



Another passive. Might want to change it to:

Code

Some[one][thing] lifts [or picks up] the camera.



Code

The taxi is illuminated by the camera’s light.



This line again. See above.

Final line is another passive.
---

Pretty solid script. I'm impressed.   It could still use a few tweaks, as noted above.

Recommend. A- 9/10


FADE IN:
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Hunter
Posted: August 24th, 2016, 3:37am Report to Moderator
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I liked it, though I felt like it ended too suddenly.


I would love feedback on any of these!
Back to Class: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1453330945/ (comedy series, RECENTLY UPDATED DEC. '16)
Cause & Effect: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1472594865/ (comedy-drama series)
Waking Up: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1452376264/ (comedy series)
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Warren
Posted: August 27th, 2016, 3:17pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Thanks to everyone who gave this a read and thanks for the valuable feedback and suggestions.




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DanC
Posted: August 28th, 2016, 12:35pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Killing villains since 1980!

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Hey Warren,
    Nice job with it.  As I said, it was kinda cliched.  And the idea that he eats them is fine, but, the idea that he keeps them alive in the trunk, with limbs missing is unbelievable  to me.

Perhaps they should interview him partially, have us find out he's a former doctor who went through something awful.  

There is so much potential with this story.  

However, you do have kinda one issue.  The first found footage film, Cannibal Holocaust worked because we saw how they found the footage.  In this one, how will the footage ever get found?  He certainly isn't gonna mail it in.  

You could have him watch it, I guess...  Which adds to the creepy factor...

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Warren
Posted: August 28th, 2016, 10:27pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hey, Dan.

I’ve started a rewrite.

The found footage has been explained and the way he managed to keep her alive has been addressed, not to the point that it will satisfy everyone but to a point that I’m happy with.

I think if we over analysed every injury every actor ever got in a movie, we would have a lot of movies going nowhere fast. A lot of them would have gone into shock rendering them useless. I do agree that I needed to clean it up though and I have.

Thanks for the extra feedback, appreciated.

This will be resubmitted to the shorts thread soon.


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DanC
Posted: August 29th, 2016, 1:49am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Killing villains since 1980!

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Ummm,
    2 things:
1.  You're welcome.  Glad that I could help you and glad that you liked my advice enough to accept it.  Let me know if you need anything read.

2.  I agree that we can't look at every injury, but. man, she's MISSING AN ARM.  She didn't fracture it, even compound fracture, she's MISSING AN ARM.  She's gonna die unless he tied off her arteries.  

If you ever want to read a really interesting take on "can you eat yourself to death."  Stephen King wrote a story called Survivor Type where he has to eat himself to stay alive.  It's very well written and he said that he consulted a doctor for the entire story.

So, perhaps if she's missing a finger or even a hand, maybe.  Arm?  eh....

It could exist in the land where guns NEVER run out of ammo, all people's lips move one way, but, words in a different language from a voice that couldn't possibly come from that body fill the screen (bad dubs of movies), and porn stars forgetting their lines (I saw a hilarious spoof of that once)...

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Warren
Posted: August 29th, 2016, 2:05am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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The arm has a tourniquet in the rewrite.

In my head it was always there, just never made it to paper.

I was in the military for a long time, I understand how it works when body parts go missing.


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