SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 1:07am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2016 One Week Challenge  ›  Fair's Fare - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 3 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Fair's Fare - OWC  (currently 5690 views)
Warren
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 10:16pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.36
It's well written and an easy read but not for me. Fart jokes and vomiting just don’t do it for me, even if it’s meant to be humorous.

Sorry but this one is lost on me.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 15 - 44
LC
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 12:58am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7582
Posts Per Day
1.34
Some ideas are a complete hit or miss and just down to personal taste. You can tell this by the diversity of reviews. Shock factor is also often all it takes. I'm neither btw, shocked or offended but it's a 'miss' for me unfortunately. Black bile and boobs just ain't up my alley.

I'm not convinced there's enough to the story either for the screen, then again after the challenge you'll tell me it got snapped up. I enjoyed it up until just after he got strapped in. Mind you, I imagined it might go in a more sophisticated direction. That said, easy to read, flowed well and met the challenge.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 16 - 44
NW3
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 4:10am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
121
Posts Per Day
0.02
Ah, that title takes me back to Ken Livingstone's GLC. A smooth read, a pro job yet a tad overworked for me, e.g. "swelling wonders".

Not sure where he came from but I think Floyd would be in the opening scene before Guy? I stopped reading to google '88 Caprice in case I needed that information. Took a while to come back...

With the dipstick, Guy says "Thing's almost full. Stupid old man" and I thought you meant the stupid man had overfilled it, you mean it's nearly at Max.

"Felat-a-what?" isn't my kind of humor, as things take a left turn I can sense that he's going to get some kind of come-uppance for trying to rip that kindly old man and I'm itching to move on. I'm sure this will do well, I may come back to it. I read as far as the eye roll on page 4.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 17 - 44
RichardR
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 9:36am Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
889
Posts Per Day
0.26
some notes.

When I started this I thought of CHRISTINE, Stephen King's novel, and that's probably a good thing.  Good premise.

This worked for me.  The writing was clean enough, and the characters were true to themselves.  Overall, a nice job.

Best
Richard
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 18 - 44
Wes
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 1:26pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Oakland, CA 94602
Posts
164
Posts Per Day
0.05
Very well done. Drew me in and then turned on me quite nicely.
Great work


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 19 - 44
eldave1
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 5:58pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
It met the challenge parameters.

No problem with the writing.

Not for me - could be because I am post 60 - but the humor just fell flat for me - not one for dildo and fart jokes so - not fair to the writer because my filter for humor is different that others. I cringed where other people laughed so you are probably on the right track and it's just not for me.

A couple of nit issues.


Quoted Text
EXT. TAXI - DAY
Guy pulls the car into the privacy of the shop.


I think the slug here is wrong. Shouldn't it be INT. SHOP?


Quoted Text
GUY
Whoa! You know my name. Must be some
kinda interactive holograph


This reaction seems a little understated - I mean a stranger knows his name? would he really shrug that off?


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 20 - 44
grademan
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 9:30pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
872
Posts Per Day
0.16
That was definitely worth the read. It started out touching the bases and ended up a grand slam. Someone commented before about a dildo and I wondered how that got in to the cab. And now I know. You may have some porn in your writer's DNA. Instead of a fart joke, I'd go for the brown nose.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 21 - 44
DanC
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 2:07am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Killing villains since 1980!

Location
Buffalo NY
Posts
1131
Posts Per Day
0.34
This was awesome.  Must be a (mostly) guy thing.  It was gross in certain spots.  

I hope you clean this up in rewrite and don't stick to the 10 page limit.  I could easily see this as a skit in some contest.  

Why the name Becky?  You should have the old guy say that she's named Becky, or have Becky stand for something...

He wasn't actually trapped.  You might want to add that, kinda ramp up the notion that he could be in danger...

For those saying Christine, I was thinking Herbie...

The best one so far.  8/10

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 22 - 44
Stumpzian
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 7:23am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
North Carolina
Posts
662
Posts Per Day
0.18
P.S. to my earlier comments: Your byline gave me a chuckle.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 23 - 44
SimonM
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 11:04am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Having read the comments through above, I can't really add much. It was OK, didn't really make me laugh - the writing sometimes seemed a bit flat ("stupid old man" at first made me think you didn't like swearing, then you have Guy swearing away happily, which seemed a bit odd).

The fellatio joke actually reminded me of one in "Frasier" (where Daphne describes being approached by an old man and given a note and her reaction - "that's not how you spell fellatio").

I have no problem with this kind of humour but certainly on the page it was rather bland - visually it would probably work better and be funnier (comedy scripts are generally supposed to read flat - it's in the acting and the visuals that comedy works).

2 out of 5 for me.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 24 - 44
Dreamscale
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 12:33pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Page 1 - Missing an apostrophe in "mechanics".

Page 2 - "EXT TAXI" - ?  Wrong.

I don't like the subjectless lines.  Reads poorly.

So far, very dull and very little going on.

Page 3 - Huh?  WHere is Becky?  She's in the car or on the phone screen?  It makes a difference how it's written.

Page 4 - I just don't understand where Becky is...or where the phone is. Something isn't working here at all.

Oh wait...there she is...in the flesh!  OK, here we go...

Page 5 - "scared blowfish" - Ha!  Funny shit.  But...is this a comedy? A pisser, by chance?  Tone is all over the place, but the writing seems to suggest the writer is fucking around with us.

Page 6 - WTF?  Now she's blowing farts in his face?  K, we are taking a big old piss now, huh?

OH boy...now we have a giant dildo?  OMG...not sure whether to laugh or stop reading...

Page 7 - Here's exactly what I'm talking about with the lack of subjects in your lines.  You have Becky talking, then the next line is, "Nods like his life depended on it." - Sure, it's gotta be Guy doing this, but you need to tell us..even with "He".

OK, the end.

I have to say I like it.  Smart concept you came up with.  Funny stuff.  Writing could be better and I hope you understand my points.

Grade B+

Good job.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 25 - 44
Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 4:25pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Part time writer

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2612
Posts Per Day
0.57
A sassy Christine.

A good concept for this OWC and if handled well could be fun on screen.

A woman acting like a misfiring car.

Kind of reminded me of a script, then filmed, by writer on these boards - not saying it's the same, just a reminder.

The one thing that bothered me was the guy. I suppose we have to remove ourselves from reality but I think he could be set up a bit more to accept the somewhat unusual situation of a person emerging in front of them. Just like that. Minor issue. For example, some spiritual folk believe in a spiritual return, that type of thing, that could persuade us why he buys into a phone talking to him etc

Nice work.

Consider


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 26 - 44
MarkItZero
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 6:18pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1007
Posts Per Day
0.35
That was insane. And I loved it. Even the descriptions were written to great comedic effect like the description of the fart vapors moving through the car.

None of it made me laugh out loud... but that's okay, it's gross out humor. With the right actors, this could be pulled off in a way that would have me in stitches.

You get a big, dirty CONSIDER.


That rug really tied the room together.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 27 - 44
oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 10:41pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Posts
817
Posts Per Day
0.19
Man, I couldn't stop laughing. The ending was classic, and you almost have to believe it - Floyd gets the good stuff. My favorite part was when it cuts to cab shaking and smoking, knowing it's from coming her butthole. Dildo was pushing it. Very effective luring guy in... and I can't believe I'm thinking about this, but what if he treated her right? Now the ending's really weird! Great job, I really liked this.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 28 - 44
Gum
Posted: August 18th, 2016, 9:04pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Some travelling Circus...
Posts
832
Posts Per Day
0.42
This had me laughing hardcore for a few pages, however, you lost me somewhere between the black vomit and her ass stack. Still, it was good enough to see this writer has serious talent.

I'm gonna let this fester a bit before I decide whether or not it's a consider... well done, funny stuff, dude.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 29 - 44
 Pages: « 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    August 2016 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006