Fair's Fare by Steven Clark writing as Phil DeGraves - Short, Comedy - An unsavory mechanic cuts a corner that won't cost him his life but, by golly, he just might wish it had.  9 pages - pdf, format

Fiirst off, congrats on completing the challenge.

SPOILERS

Def a new up to date take on the old  Christine.
The  mechanice got what he deserved.

Scene heading for EXT. TAXI  bothered me.
He's already heading across the parking lot. You could have used a mini-slug. Just plain old TAXI.

Other than that, nothing bad to say.
Congrats,
Cindy

Well, that was an interesting one. Definitely funny, and a nice little moral to the story there.

Liked this and well written... felt that some of it went over a line, but that's probably just my line

Good effort.

Funny in places and well written.

Enough mechanic innuendos to keep it going lol

It's a nice change from all the murder in a taxi scripts and a great use of the smartphone... it REALLY resonates with the 'now' 21st century feel

Good job on entering and remember to read other scripts.

Well, different…  

A fast eight pages and a unique take on the challenge which is no bad thing.  If I had one suggestion I’d switch the smart-phone to something that connects more to the vehicle itself -- like an onboard computer or the like -- as the phone feels a touch removed.  Pretty gross but entertaining.  

Well, ahem, uhh... You know, this wasn't too bad -- funny, outrageous, disgusting, a nice rounded story. I quite liked it, which probably says more about me than the actual script.

Writer,

Not a bad entry at all. Well written, quick pace. Didn't take up much time and got to the point. Even had a bit of a message in between all the grossness. Only nitpick is it felt like it might've been rushed in places, but I'll chalk that up to time limitation. I feel with a little more effort you can tidy this up and make it shine. Easy to film too.  Still, one of the better entries so far. Everyone got what they deserved. Good job!

Steve

This is a very nice story. Well told to.

There's a point to this and you managed to get the message across. Great job.
I kind of wished she told Guy she was Becky, then the name of the taxi came up in conversation with Floyd.

I liked the last line too - funny.

Great job.

Dag, I love this one!  Cheeky, funny, well written - and just the *right* amount of innuendo - without it being forced.  So far, one of my top OWC submissions!  )

The first one I've read of this OWC and I really like it. It's a bit OTT in parts but nothing to worry about. A horny version of Christine!

The title is a fantastic reflection of the story. There's some great descriptions in there, I particularly like, "She unzips the top of her overalls, revealing two swelling wonders tucked into a tight blue bikini top."

It's a nice all round story with a good beginning, middle and end. That's really tough to pull off in a OWC so top marks from me on this.

-Mark

This one clicks on all cylinders. Topnotch.

Henry

This one's an absolute pisser. Good solid writing and a completely out there turn on the original theme of the challenge. I never thought of a dildo when writing mine, I still can't believe I've read one of these with a dildo in it but hey, it's there!

Had me laughing, great visualisations and really creative. Good work.

I found the writing a little bland to begin with... but it picked up. I like this because it's fresh and I can see it doing well at festivals. Don't give it away to just anyone, make sure they can do it justice. Good luck.

A rec.

For some astonishing reason this well written piece of comedy didn't do much for me lol.

Great idea and concept but I read it - didn't laugh - nodded my head and that was it!

Sorry to be a party pooper - Pass

It's well written and an easy read but not for me. Fart jokes and vomiting just don’t do it for me, even if it’s meant to be humorous.

Sorry but this one is lost on me.

Some ideas are a complete hit or miss and just down to personal taste. You can tell this by the diversity of reviews. Shock factor is also often all it takes. I'm neither btw, shocked or offended but it's a 'miss' for me unfortunately. Black bile and boobs just ain't up my alley.

I'm not convinced there's enough to the story either for the screen, then again after the challenge you'll tell me it got snapped up. I enjoyed it up until just after he got strapped in. Mind you, I imagined it might go in a more sophisticated direction. That said, easy to read, flowed well and met the challenge.

Ah, that title takes me back to Ken Livingstone's GLC. A smooth read, a pro job yet a tad overworked for me, e.g. "swelling wonders".

Not sure where he came from but I think Floyd would be in the opening scene before Guy? I stopped reading to google '88 Caprice in case I needed that information. Took a while to come back...

With the dipstick, Guy says "Thing's almost full. Stupid old man" and I thought you meant the stupid man had overfilled it, you mean it's nearly at Max.

"Felat-a-what?" isn't my kind of humor, as things take a left turn I can sense that he's going to get some kind of come-uppance for trying to rip that kindly old man and I'm itching to move on. I'm sure this will do well, I may come back to it. I read as far as the eye roll on page 4.

some notes.

When I started this I thought of CHRISTINE, Stephen King's novel, and that's probably a good thing.  Good premise.

This worked for me.  The writing was clean enough, and the characters were true to themselves.  Overall, a nice job.

Best
Richard

Very well done. Drew me in and then turned on me quite nicely.
Great work

It met the challenge parameters.

No problem with the writing.

Not for me - could be because I am post 60 - but the humor just fell flat for me - not one for dildo and fart jokes so - not fair to the writer because my filter for humor is different that others. I cringed where other people laughed so you are probably on the right track and it's just not for me.

A couple of nit issues.

Quoted Text EXT. TAXI - DAY Guy pulls the car into the privacy of the shop.

I think the slug here is wrong. Shouldn't it be INT. SHOP?

Quoted Text GUY Whoa! You know my name. Must be some kinda interactive holograph

This reaction seems a little understated - I mean a stranger knows his name? would he really shrug that off?

That was definitely worth the read. It started out touching the bases and ended up a grand slam. Someone commented before about a dildo and I wondered how that got in to the cab. And now I know. You may have some porn in your writer's DNA. Instead of a fart joke, I'd go for the brown nose.

This was awesome.  Must be a (mostly) guy thing.  It was gross in certain spots.  

I hope you clean this up in rewrite and don't stick to the 10 page limit.  I could easily see this as a skit in some contest.  

Why the name Becky?  You should have the old guy say that she's named Becky, or have Becky stand for something...

He wasn't actually trapped.  You might want to add that, kinda ramp up the notion that he could be in danger...

For those saying Christine, I was thinking Herbie...

The best one so far.  8/10

Dan

P.S. to my earlier comments: Your byline gave me a chuckle.

Having read the comments through above, I can't really add much. It was OK, didn't really make me laugh - the writing sometimes seemed a bit flat ("stupid old man" at first made me think you didn't like swearing, then you have Guy swearing away happily, which seemed a bit odd).

The fellatio joke actually reminded me of one in "Frasier" (where Daphne describes being approached by an old man and given a note and her reaction - "that's not how you spell fellatio").

I have no problem with this kind of humour but certainly on the page it was rather bland - visually it would probably work better and be funnier (comedy scripts are generally supposed to read flat - it's in the acting and the visuals that comedy works).

2 out of 5 for me.

Page 1 - Missing an apostrophe in "mechanics".

Page 2 - "EXT TAXI" - ?  Wrong.

I don't like the subjectless lines.  Reads poorly.

So far, very dull and very little going on.

Page 3 - Huh?  WHere is Becky?  She's in the car or on the phone screen?  It makes a difference how it's written.

Page 4 - I just don't understand where Becky is...or where the phone is. Something isn't working here at all.

Oh wait...there she is...in the flesh!  OK, here we go...

Page 5 - "scared blowfish" - Ha!  Funny shit.  But...is this a comedy? A pisser, by chance?  Tone is all over the place, but the writing seems to suggest the writer is fucking around with us.

Page 6 - WTF?  Now she's blowing farts in his face?  K, we are taking a big old piss now, huh?

OH boy...now we have a giant dildo?  OMG...not sure whether to laugh or stop reading...

Page 7 - Here's exactly what I'm talking about with the lack of subjects in your lines.  You have Becky talking, then the next line is, "Nods like his life depended on it." - Sure, it's gotta be Guy doing this, but you need to tell us..even with "He".

OK, the end.

I have to say I like it.  Smart concept you came up with.  Funny stuff.  Writing could be better and I hope you understand my points.

Grade B+

Good job.

A sassy Christine.

A good concept for this OWC and if handled well could be fun on screen.

A woman acting like a misfiring car.

Kind of reminded me of a script, then filmed, by writer on these boards - not saying it's the same, just a reminder.

The one thing that bothered me was the guy. I suppose we have to remove ourselves from reality but I think he could be set up a bit more to accept the somewhat unusual situation of a person emerging in front of them. Just like that. Minor issue. For example, some spiritual folk believe in a spiritual return, that type of thing, that could persuade us why he buys into a phone talking to him etc

Nice work.

Consider

That was insane. And I loved it. Even the descriptions were written to great comedic effect like the description of the fart vapors moving through the car.

None of it made me laugh out loud... but that's okay, it's gross out humor. With the right actors, this could be pulled off in a way that would have me in stitches.

You get a big, dirty CONSIDER.

Man, I couldn't stop laughing. The ending was classic, and you almost have to believe it - Floyd gets the good stuff. My favorite part was when it cuts to cab shaking and smoking, knowing it's from coming her butthole. Dildo was pushing it. Very effective luring guy in... and I can't believe I'm thinking about this, but what if he treated her right? Now the ending's really weird! Great job, I really liked this.

This had me laughing hardcore for a few pages, however, you lost me somewhere between the black vomit and her ass stack. Still, it was good enough to see this writer has serious talent.

I'm gonna let this fester a bit before I decide whether or not it's a consider... well done, funny stuff, dude.

The writing was good and was an interesting take on the challenge.  Easy to film and some of it had me laughing, but some didn't.  Again, not a problem with some touch up.  You went "deep" with the theme "butt" with a rewrite might even make it better.  The writing flowed and I liked the ending line.  Good job.

More or less perfect. Be difficult for a low budget team to do those effects justice, but that'd be my only complaint regarding the challenge. Fun, funny, unexpected. Probably my favourite of the bunch.

Pg5 dialogue at the top wasn't good, redundant. It was flowing well up to this point.

Oh, I see, big switch of tone.

Not bad. Questions I asked myself: Is the twist of tone too late? And, is it funny enough?

It could need a better title that represents the madness happening.

Anyway: I'm in for different. It's non-linear and somehow creative in a wacky way.

Finally, a comedy that's actually funny!

I thought this was gonna be a porno, until that sharp left you took.

Nice twist on A Christmas Carol.

Not too many issues or niggles. Recommend. A+

Thanks all, for reading and commenting. Glad it was mostly well received. I did a quick rewrite, as you can tell by the giant FAIR'S FARE on my sig. Took DanC's advice and named her Becky right from the get go. She's Floyd's girl and deserves a name right off the bat. Also took Jeff's advice and corrected the subject less lines, and threw an INSERT PHONE in there just in case anyone else might have had an issue with that.

However, my favorite comment on this belonged to Libby, when after Guy the mechanic got strapped in, LC remarked, "I thought this was going to take a sophisticated turn." Hahaha. Not on your life!

Steve

It was a great script. I'm impressed you've got the range to do insanely raunchy comedy and moving, serious dramas like Silence, Eventually.

Thanks, Mark.  The "F Yeah" in Fair's Fare was a direct shout out to one in your toilet script! Although the scene where you used it had me on the floor!

Steven,
     Thanks for taking my advice.  It means a lot.  You're range is something that I'm trying to do.  That's why I wrote (mostly) a drama this time.  

I think the best writers can handle any genre, sure they can have their favs and their best ones, but, you never know what a producer might want...

This was really funny and kinda disturbing.  Some of the jokes bordered on insanity and disgust.  

You really pushed us, and that's fine.  

I'd love to read the rewrite and whatever you choose to do with it, or take us somewhere else.  I can see this as a movie, or even a tv series.  

So, was this based on Christine or Herbie?  Or even Knight Rider?

Really nice job.  This was one of my top 2 picks with the zombie one from Anthony.  

Best of luck with it.  Go sell this baby now!!

Dan

Quoted from SAC ... However, my favorite comment on this belonged to Libby, when after Guy the mechanic got strapped in, LC remarked, "I thought this was going to take a sophisticated turn." Hahaha. Not on your life!

Glad I could give u a laugh! I originally had Stevie pegged for this one. Didn't you like my other comment? Black bile and boobs. Alt, porn and puke, as a tagline... Hmm, I'll stop now except to say, yes that title in your SIG is bloody huge!   Good luck with this.

Will comment on mine later which I'm sure you're dying to know is in rewrite, and JC wants for STS. Sorry for the self promo on your thread.  

P.S. I should review yours for STS, that'd get ya!

Quoted from LC Glad I could give u a laugh! I originally had Stevie pegged for this one. Didn't you like my other comment? Black bile and boobs. Alt, porn and puke, as a tagline... Hmm, I'll stop now except to say, yes that title in your SIG is bloody huge!   Good luck with this. Will comment on mine later which I'm sure you're dying to know is in rewrite, and JC wants for STS. Sorry for the self promo on your thread.   P.S. I should review yours for STS, that'd get ya!

I'm not sure where my mind is LC, but, I almost thought you said
PS, I should review yours for STD, that'd get ya...

Yep, where am I??

Dan

I didn't realize this was for the OWC until I had to start searching for the script thread!

I think your idea here is good with the woman being the car kind of thing. Quite clever even with the cause and effect of the lack of maintenance. However, if you're looking to get this produced, I'm not sure a hot actress like that would agree to fart and vomit like that. At least not without a hefty paycheck. Other than that, I thought the farting and vomiting were well done as explanations to a car's well being.  

Pia,

Thanks for taking a look. This one was fun to write for the OWC after I had scrapped a thriller that was going nowhere.

Re: hot actress farting and vomiting. I don't know. If I was a hot actress looking for work, I'd probably jump at the chance! A director suggested to me that most peeps looking to make films are searching for more "women forward" type of roles. I don't know how you get more "women forward" than this!    There's the in-your-face analogy to the car, but it also speaks to the mindlessness of us men. Okay, maybe I'm reaching on that last one.

Quoted from SAC Pia, Thanks for taking a look. This one was fun to write for the OWC after I had scrapped a thriller that was going nowhere. Re: hot actress farting and vomiting. I don't know. If I was a hot actress looking for work, I'd probably jump at the chance! A director suggested to me that most peeps looking to make films are searching for more "women forward" type of roles. I don't know how you get more "women forward" than this!    There's the in-your-face analogy to the car, but it also speaks to the mindlessness of us men. Okay, maybe I'm reaching on that last one.

You would think that it might be hard to get a "hottie" to do that, but, look at some of the horror movies that are done today.  Human Centipede for one.  Why would anyone ever want to do that?  Or how about a Serbian story (I think that's the title, about the porn star hired to do one more movie).  

The actors are being asked (forced) to do more and more.  And some actors in big movies have had to barf.  Actually, actors barfing are fairly common (in terms of blood coming out of their mouths etc) so, having a fake fart and fake barf wouldn't be too hard to do.  Now, if you are talking about the real thing, well, then I agree...

Most won't wade into the gore subgenres like the vomit films.  However, I don't think the writer wants to take it that far...

Dan

It's fun, it's spicy and has a good burlesque type from the very beginning.
i liked and i got fun reading it, whenever you publish something else let me know about it. my scrips belongs to the horror 'Curst.' and thriller 'On the road'
Thanks Steven.

Pablo,

Thanks for digging this up. I’m glad you liked it. This is probably one of my favorite shorts that I’ve written, with it’s gross out humor. The environmental angle was completely unintentional, but I’m glad some peeps saw it that way. Cheers!

Steve