Bangkok, U.S.A. by 0 - Short, Weird - A pizza enthusiast discovers he may have eaten his last slice... - pdf, format

I didn't know this song. Thank you. It's awesome.

Yep. It's a beauty. A perfect short for a director looking to show off. It's fun enough to watch on the page.

Plenty of room for the next Astron 6 types to make this into a keeper. Hope that happens. Good job.

Trippy ride, that didn't really grab me.

Good effort, and I'm glad to see it has its fans. Just not for me.

Hey writer,

You started with Sal eating pizza, then switched to Sal meeting Candy man and talking about matters that seemingly don't matter. I stopped understanding what you are leading up to. Then he meets this Italy lady and their conversation is nothing important as it looks to me.

I liked the writing in here and all the descriptions though. But they wouldn't be filming that.

Sorry, not for me.

It's another one where half the time seems to be spent outside of the cab, and then I'm not really sure Sal's stuck there apart from at the end. It was creative, but just bonkers and a bit all over the place.

Anyway, I'm sure some people will get this angle, just not me unfortunately.

Wow

well that was interesting to say the least and I like that as the scripts were starting to become repetitive.
I also liked that you didn't spend the first minute in a taxi.

Well written

Good job on entering and remember to read other scripts

Not sure this strictly fits the rules but hey ho...

Well written and some great descriptive passages, BUT...

A little too off-beat for my taste i'm afraid.

Did love the goldfish though!

Nope, the only thing connecting it with the challenge is a taxi.


Pass

WTF?

I can't comment on this script because I found it unreadable. Incoherent would be putting it politely.

0 out of 5 for me.

Probably win!

You lost me around page 4. The writing is good but then it gets monotonous. This writer is too in love with their own vocabulary. Trying too hard and it shows.

A pass.

Yes it is definitely weird, not in a good way for me.

Not low budget in any way, so doesn’t meet the criteria of the challenge.

The descriptions are bloated with similes. There might have a small place in screenwriting but you have gone way overboard.

Pass from me.

Writer,

This one is like reading an issue of Heavy Metal while poppin tabs! I love the visual style it's told in, and I'm sure all of this makes sense in the world it's written for. Not this world, of course. It adheres to the challenge parameters, and it's unique. Seriously, if you visualize animation more while you read this, I think, you'll get much more out of this. I can't comment on it story-wise because I'm not entirely sure what was happening all the time, but I was with it till a point. Seems like this is indeed geared towards more of a sci-if, graphic novel type deal.  Overwritten in places with some absolutely bizarre passages -- Tony Danza?! Good effort, good writing -- nice job.

Steve

Writing feels familiar...  Distinct.  The writer knows what they want the reader to see and has fun delivering it.  Can’t see it working for everyone, but the form follows content and that works for me.  As long as the story/action remains clear and engaging I’m invested.  And to be honest I was really getting into this but the idea just got away from me at the end.  

I enjoyed the ride but I feel like I just woke up in the backseat and I’m not sure where I am.  I don’t know what a Squiggle is or why they’re considered dangerous - or really what Bambi’s role in this is; a driver?  Squiggle hunter?  Memorable, if only cause I wanted more.  Interested to see the writer’s input.    

First female cabby in twelve scripts…  Kudos for that alone.

‘...his eyes pop over its stretched mozzarella.’  Love this.

WTF?  A pisser?  Someone on acid, tripping while writing?  Just stupid shit?

No clue...absolutely no clue.  Most likely an inside joke that few are going to get or give a shit about.  Looks like the writer is having fun, though, trying to impress, but impress this won't do.  It's annoying and a waste of time.

based on other comments, sounds like it doesn't even attempt to meet the challenge.

Grade - F

I reckon you put a lot of work into this. Biggest problem I had was that every character's dialogue was a bit too slick. I think unique dialogue really works for one character when it's in contrast to other more conventional character's dialogue.

Same goes for your descriptions too. It's great to play around with words but you'll impress us when we don't notice the effort. At the moment the 'work' is eclipsing the story. I confess to skimming through a lot, not knowing what the heck was going on, taxi driver seemed like a secondary character and I'm not sure if anyone was trapped.

Story intrigued me in the beginning with the government broadcast but then went on a lot of detours.

You did make me want pizza.

Edit: Took my last line out cause I sounded like a condescending you-know-what.  

Van Gogh was undiscovered in his lifetime. Trippy visuals, like a graphic novel, I loved everything about it. RECOMMEND.

Quoted from NW3 Van Gogh was undiscovered in his lifetime. Trippy visuals, like a graphic novel, I loved everything about it. RECOMMEND.

Sorry - are you comparing the author of this script (you by any chance?) with Van Gogh?

Well, there you go. Not a lot that can be said in response to that.

Quoted from SimonM are you comparing the author of this script     with Van Gogh?

Yes.

Quoted from SimonM (you by any chance?)

Sadly, no. I would love to have written this. My script (at the time of writing) has the reviews it deserves.

For me, this one's a guilty pleasure. Sort of a Blade Runner-Roger Rabbit-Fear & Loathing dream in 7 pages. I have to give the writer his due. Five electric goldfish.

Some notes

This one reads like an inside joke that I'm not privy to, and frankly I don't care to be.  It reminds me of incoherent acid trip and just as entertaining, man.  Not my cup of drugs.

Best
Richard

Quoted from NW3 Yes.

I am gobsmacked.

Ummmm,
    This was bizarre.  I didn't follow half of what I read.  And I've read and seen some pretty trippy stuff (Naked Lunch anyone.

I couldn't follow this.  

I guess he was trapped in a cab....

Was just too odd for me.  

5/10

Dan

Didn't get some of the descriptions.
Didn't like other descriptions.
Looks like we've introduced the characters.
Just waiting for something to happen.

Too over the top for my tastes and 3 references to real people as descriptions (Pacino, Lee, Danza) left me wondering why the short cuts given the extraordinary descriptions everywhere else. It's a script on steroids without a story on steroids. Not sure if that makes sense or not - anyway - not for me.

Wow, great writing until, IMO, Sal got in the cab. I totally didn't get it, but was -mostly- entertained anyway. Would love to see coherent works from this writer!

This one confuses me. It did have an attitude and flowed like a music video. Not necessarily a bad thing. I just couldn't figure it out.

In short, it feels too wanted and enforced.

Your logline horrifies me.  I can't imagine what type of despair would come over me if i realized i was done with pizza.

This is already overwritten.  I appreciate what you are attempted, b/c the writing is fun and you're trying to break the mold from the usual boring prose... but it's still overwritten.  Sometimes confusing.

I can't get into the way these people speak.

I don't like to do this, but I'm bailing.  I've had to read back a bunch of lines and I'm just not into this stylized, manic world you're building.  Not my cup of tea, sorry.

Points for originality. Points for having the guts to even write this and put it out there knowing some people are gonna hate it. I honestly couldn't get through it. But if someone filmed this and I watched it on ecstasy I'd probably think it was the greatest thing ever.

I rarely do this but I bailed on page 4 when the animated character appeared. It reads like a pisser but it can't be, as the document filename says this is revision 4 of the script, who would do 4 drafts of a pisser? I suspect this may be an existing script you added a taxi to, as it's so bonkers adding a taxi would make no difference to the story.

There's wonderful imagination and literary skills on display but it seems more suited to prose than screenplay. Totally unfilmable in my opinion, even as an animation this would cost a small fortune.

-Mark    

Nice read at the beginning, but you lost me about half way through it.

Not sure how to comment.

Cindy

WTH did i just read?  It was weird, fun, bizarre, animated?  Not part of the challenge, I would say it's an innovative idea that still couldn't get filmed because of the budget.  As part of the challenge, the budget was to be low, and this isn't.  It also was another one trying too hard to be smart but sometimes fell short.  Fun little break from the challenge though... but wait, this was part of the challenge??

Confession: I came for the pizza.

A bit too trippy/psychedelic, even for me. I could totally see this with animation by Gerald Scarfe a la The Wall.

A guilty pleasure at best. Pass/consider. B-

Quoted from ChrisBodily A bit too trippy/psychedelic, even for me. I could totally see this with animation by Gerald Scarfe a la The Wall.

It brought Alex Cox's "Repo Chick" to mind for me - someone send it to him, he'd probably love it!

I'm not sure what I just read. It's just a problem, all over. Sorry.