SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 1:52am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2016 One Week Challenge  ›  Uber as Fast as You Can - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Uber as Fast as You Can - OWC  (currently 2947 views)
RichardR
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 11:26am Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
889
Posts Per Day
0.26
Some notes.

There could be a story roaming around in this one, but as written, it doesn't have one.  It's get in the car, ride for a while, repeat over and over that you're an actress, and then go home.  I'm firm believer that things happen in stories.  Having a few characters talk while moving doesn't quite cut it.  And the gal at the restaurant.  Can't she lose the order, deliver the wrong thing, delay, delay, delay?  

Best
Richard
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 15 - 29
eldave1
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
It was a one beat story lasting ten pages - shake it up.

You have a good premise to work with - a relatively naive actress wannabe and her friend trapped in traffic trying to get to the most important meeting of her life.

But it ends in kind of a kerplop - traffic wins. End of story,


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 16 - 29
Wes
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 2:48pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Oakland, CA 94602
Posts
164
Posts Per Day
0.05
Found the dialogue to be redundant. It may be exactly Californian but that doesn't mean it's interesting.
Don't see anyone trapped in the cab.
Don't see much of a story either.
Sorry. Not my kind of thing.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 17 - 29
PrussianMosby
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 6:37pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
1399
Posts Per Day
0.37
You should watch out for those I pages (only dialogue). If you want to tell a story like that, the dialogue must be exceptional good, intriguing, breathtaking. I wouldn't rip it to pieces but it simply isn't enough yet.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 18 - 29
SteveC
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 8:37pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
34
Posts Per Day
0.01
This would be great for a vomit draft (first draft), then trim all the expositional and on-the-nose dialogue and throw in more actions/visuals to display what characters may be thinking. For this to really land, perhaps an exciting twist at the end would be in order, like Michaela calling back and saying he just told his own driver to take him to someplace in the neighborhood they just came from. Keep at it!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 19 - 29
LC
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 8:41am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7582
Posts Per Day
1.34
Yip, just not complete. Some of Richards's suggestions sound good. Michaela could be the key to this being a comedy
of errors - her character is under utilized. Have her give him the wrong order, drop his dinner etc. Of, perhaps the Director is coming back their way (on the opposite side of the road) and they're both trapped in traffic jams, and she hops in his car to audition for him or they speak across a dividing lane with horns tooting etc. Just ramp it up. I suspect time was a factor. Plenty of time to rewrite after the challenge with this as a stepping off point. Is Hudson male or female btw?


Logged
Private Message Reply: 20 - 29
grademan
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 9:38am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
872
Posts Per Day
0.16
Did anything happen here? No witty repartee, no twists, no climactic ending. I never thought she was trapped in the cab since she could get out and jog. (I think I know why the cabbies are all identified as DRIVER in this OWC. It's because if the driver had a name, they wouldn't stick out as the driver. it's a clarity thing) Keep writing!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 21 - 29
MarkItZero
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 7:49pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1007
Posts Per Day
0.35
Didn't work for me at all. Can't really think of any specific ways to improve this. Maybe have Sarah be completely off her rocker in a Sunset Boulevard kind of way. Ending with the cab driver fleeing the vehicle in the middle of traffic. I dunno... you need to work on your dialogue a lot. Just keep reading and writing scripts. Keep at it.


That rug really tied the room together.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 22 - 29
Gum
Posted: August 18th, 2016, 12:43am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Some travelling Circus...
Posts
832
Posts Per Day
0.42
Found no real drive in this to keep going but, I kept reading under the assumption it was going somewhere. I get they we're going uptown/downtown to catch up with some potential big wig at some obscure location but, other than that, It got lost in the translation.As it stands, all these characters appear to be stamped from a cookie cutter.

Perhaps, select 4 random cards (character traits) from a Tarot deck and (somehow) trap them in that same Uber on the freeway, then, have that same director coincidentally stuck in traffic right beside them? OK, I'm reaching...
Logged
Private Message Reply: 23 - 29
SimonM
Posted: August 18th, 2016, 1:40pm Report to Moderator
Guest User




Quoted from MarkItZero
Maybe have Sarah be completely off her rocker in a Sunset Boulevard kind of way. Ending with the cab driver fleeing the vehicle in the middle of traffic.  


That made me laugh our loud - funniest image of this entire OWC.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 24 - 29
MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 19th, 2016, 8:45am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
2335
Posts Per Day
0.59
A good premise, beaming with potential let down by dull dialogue and lack of a story. They start a journey with a pressing deadline, miss the deadline, so go back home. That's...dissapointing to say the least.

Also, no-one was trapped in a taxi.

However, you entered, which is more than I did and the script was reasonably written as well as easy to follow.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 25 - 29
Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: August 20th, 2016, 7:42pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
317
Posts Per Day
0.08
Congrats on entering the OWC.  This really isn't a comedy because it just isn't funny, in my opinion.  There's not much of a story here, and the dialogue seemed to just drag on to keep the page count up.  Not really trapped because with the car not moving much, anyone could get out at any time.  I would name the driver also.  If you would have had the two in the back seat going at it (sex, fight, etc.), it would have at least had some entertainment value.  As it stands, not much.  Good luck on the rewrite.


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 26 - 29
ChrisBodily
Posted: August 24th, 2016, 9:14am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
572
Posts Per Day
0.17
The girls blurred into one character. Might as we'll drop the extra characters; they serve no real purpose.

Dialogue gets dull and redundant; you even repeat the exact same line at one point -- and on the same page not soon after!

Premise: B
Story: B-/C+
Formatting: A
Overall: B-

A soft consider. But needs a good rewrite.


FADE IN:
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 27 - 29
Hunter
Posted: August 27th, 2016, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
WA, USA
Posts
121
Posts Per Day
0.04
Thanks everyone for reading!

A few of you (Simon, Richard, LC) pointed toward Michaela as what could improve this script, and that's the direction I think I want to go, as it will also fix the time issue and make Sarah feel more stuck.

Addressing the time issue, I figured that it would feel fine, but obviously it didn't.

Addressing whether or not anyone was trapped, I thought I would go a more creative route. In my mind this fit the theme because they are trapped in traffic in a taxi. Obviously some people are more literal than others, I'm not as literal.

I'm debating on whether or not to keep Hudson and Andrea, and I'm leaning towards losing them. They don't need to be there, and they aren't as funny as I thought they would be. With more involvement from Michaela, they become even less necessary.


I would love feedback on any of these!
Back to Class: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1453330945/ (comedy series, RECENTLY UPDATED DEC. '16)
Cause & Effect: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1472594865/ (comedy-drama series)
Waking Up: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1452376264/ (comedy series)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 28 - 29
DanC
Posted: August 28th, 2016, 12:28pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Killing villains since 1980!

Location
Buffalo NY
Posts
1131
Posts Per Day
0.34
Hey Hunter,
     I was okay with being trapped in a taxi in a traffic jam.  My offering to the OWC had the same theme.  

I think the problem was that we didn't get or feel the sense of urgency to her moment in time.  

Maybe if you added other obstacles like a broken heel, torn dress, torn stocking etc.  

Or if you decided to make it a dramedy or suspense/drama as if this is her last chance.  Perhaps the person at the restaurant tells her that she got the director to interview her, but, she has to make it there in 10 min.  

Something.  Perhaps more intercuts or phone calls.  Something to show that her chance is dwindling away second by second.  

You were tied down by the challenge of the OWC.  If you rewrite it, you won't have that limitation of being trapped in a taxi and can really delve into the story.

Dan

Ps, what I mean by that is that you don't have to keep her in the taxi.  She might get out of the taxi and start running.  Or get hit, or shot, or something.  The OWC wasn't great for tension because we KNOW she will fail the second she gets in.  Make it more ambiguous about how it will end.


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 29 - 29
 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    August 2016 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006