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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2016 One Week Challenge  ›  No Clowning Around - OWC
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  Author    No Clowning Around - OWC  (currently 3405 views)
RichardR
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 11:38am Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

I thought this one had possibilities, but it turned into a morality tale.  And I don't for a moment think some bank teller is going to give 20k to a clown.  but that's me.  So, I don't quite buy it, and as I read it, the clown wasn't locked in the cab.

best
Richard
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SteveC
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 12:26pm Report to Moderator
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I like how a lot happened in a short amount of time in this script. Great, redemptive twist in the end. Good job!
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eldave1
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 1:56pm Report to Moderator
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I thought the premise was great but I am not sure in terms of the challenge premise that anyone was "trapped" in a Taxi - all there voluntarily.

It opens well and the characters seem quite natural.

It idles a bit in the middle.

This typo exists throughout the script:


Quoted Text
AMED
Very good sir. My name is Amed.
What is yours?


Needs to be a comma before sir or any other character names - an issue throughout.


Quoted Text
AMED
Ah, yes. No that makes sense.


should be "now"


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Wes
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 3:08pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry. Doesn't fit the criteria. No one is trapped in a cab


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Gum
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 2:00am Report to Moderator
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Outside of the fact that the bank heist is highly implausible, it was somewhat charming.... It also put me in mind of 'Quick Change'.

I couldn't help it. I went back and cast Lassie in the role of the cab driver. That works... fun script.
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Heretic
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
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^ Quick Change. Totally.

I loved the first half of this script and was disappointed when we got into bank robbery territory -- though I like the idea of the teller just giving it. If the idea was that everyone is kinda beaten down by this world, though, Amed doesn't really fit with that.

I'd love to see this story go in a completely different, and quieter, direction. A man has to play the clown at his daughter's birthday, in front of his ex and her new guy. That's a brilliant image. The bank is too much. There has to be some other adventure that these two characters can get in that doesn't pull all the focus off the main idea -- the world beats you down, but family and your important responsibilities can bring you back up.

Strong character work undone by odd plot choices, for me. Would like to see a radical rewrite, for sure.
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ChrisBodily
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 8:45pm Report to Moderator
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Despite a few missing words (and an extra space), I loved it.

This is a unique interpretation of "trapped in a taxi" -- being, trapped in your own life, in a taxi. But at the same time, the driver ends up being "trapped" with the bag of money the clown stole from the bank.

When Ahmed says he's going to the bank, two things popped in my head (subtext):

I'm going to the bank to return the money.

I'm filthy stinkin' rich!

But it's more likely the former.

I don't feel it was overwritten or anything; in fact, I can see the picture in my head. Very good, descriptive writing. Compelling drama.

Awesome job! Recommend. A


FADE IN:
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MarkItZero
Posted: August 18th, 2016, 3:14pm Report to Moderator
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There's two completely different stories here. A man dressing as a clown for his daughters birthday and a man robbing a bank. As written, there's no tie-in between them. The clown stuff is literally never mentioned again once we get to the bank... might as well have never happened. I recommend either picking one concept and developing the whole story around it or finding a better way to combine the two.

An idea for combining:
I like the idea of a cab driver picking up a man who's at the end of his rope. Play up that dynamic and make it more extreme. Have the driver be an unwitting participant in this man's slow descent into despair and ultimately crime. So it starts with the driver consoling and offering advice to a strung-out father. Maybe he's telling him he has to "seize the day" and make a statement to turn his life around... which leads to the father, dressed as a clown, robbing a bank (through violence rather than being handed money) and suddenly the driver is part of a getaway with a face painted maniac.


That rug really tied the room together.
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grademan
Posted: August 18th, 2016, 5:08pm Report to Moderator
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A Good Samaritan cab driver dispenses advice to a wayward father while he is in his cab.  A brief stop at a bank and subsequent departure with a bag of money by the father provides an opportunity for the Good Samaritan to do his thing. Needs something. This could be interesting as a comedy. You know, laughs with a lesson.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 19th, 2016, 8:04am Report to Moderator
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I like this, quirky and charming.

Watch out for micro-managing the actors. You are directing every movement. It is very distracting.

Loved the exchange between the two characters. The dialogue is great for the most part, a few on the (red) nose moments but apart from that I enjoyed the banter. Some great comedy moments, particularly the near accident causing him to smudge the screen with the clown make-up!

I even bought into the whole robbery scenario - it had an Out of Sight vibe to it and I could see it working.

An unsatisfactory ending which felt more like the end of a scene than a nice resounding end to a story. Not bad at though for one week's effort. Unfortunately if I was voting on this I'd be obliged to pass it as no-one was trapped in a Taxi, but I really enjoyed it.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK

Revision History (1 edits)
MarkRenshaw  -  August 21st, 2016, 5:45am
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 19th, 2016, 10:47am Report to Moderator
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2nd to last read, so I'm rally trying to stay in until the end...but it's very difficult.

Lots and lots of mistakes - typos, missing words, missing commas, orphans, nothing but dialogue...just very dull and no trapped in a cab, through Page 5.

I like the Phoenix setting, but you didn't give us any visuals to make that clear.  Starting on a "SIDEWALK" is not the way to go.  The sidewalk is somewhere - downtown, in a neighborhood, in front of a shopping center - something we can visualize.

Richard is a total shithead and I don't give a shit about him.  Cliche, dull, and annoying.

The end.

Totally unrealistic.  Nothing about this works for me, sorry to say.

Grade - D
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Hunter
Posted: August 20th, 2016, 8:27pm Report to Moderator
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I wish you hadn't put clown in the title and logline, as I imagine that changing into the clown suit would have been more amusing had we not known he was going to be a clown.

Anyway, a nice little story. Nothing spectacular, but it was thoroughly enjoyable.


I would love feedback on any of these!
Back to Class: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1453330945/ (comedy series, RECENTLY UPDATED DEC. '16)
Cause & Effect: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1472594865/ (comedy-drama series)
Waking Up: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1452376264/ (comedy series)
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realxwriter
Posted: August 24th, 2016, 12:35pm Report to Moderator
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This is a solid script. I couldn't complain about anything except that you picked a story that couldn't possible flourish withing the confinement of ten pages. Everything felt rushed and dry. There wasn't enough for us to really root for Richard and his problems. There wasn't enough room for Richard character to "naturally" develop and change. It got all the right elements, but they were like paper cutouts not the real things. Either they didn't have enough depth or they weren't delivered with the right pace.

You could have had Richard plan the heist from the start. He has a gun inside the bag. It would serve as a twist for us once we realize his real intentions. Amed could have the conversation with him before they reach the bank. And we could get to the moment where Richard has to decide to go for it or not after whatever effect Amed's talk had on him. Amed could tell him a story about himself, that would make Richard rethink his decision. We could also see in the end, police coming out of the bank as a way to say that if Richard went for it, it would have been a great mistake.

I'm just making stuff up to try and find a way to make a compacted version of your story where every moment in it goes for maximum impact on the reader.

But like I said. You are a solid writer and you got all the elements right. You just need to make them more powerful and compelling.

Well done.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: August 24th, 2016, 4:43pm Report to Moderator
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The surprising twist is a good one. Just beware of losing too much time and viewers with placing it too late. Somehow it's a double-edged sword because the dragging plot, on the other hand, also serves the surprise very well.

Definitely an unfamiliar, talky driver was my first impression of Amed.

Sweet tale. Faster and a bit more to the point, then this could be better imo.



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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: August 27th, 2016, 4:16pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for all the feedback on this (good and bad).  Was thinking of making this having an actual working clown and maybe robbing the bank for real, and terrorizing the driver.  It could be an option in case someone wants to take it in an edgier direction.

Plus, Steve Miles gets the award for pointing out the fact that I misspelled my title (since been fixed)!!!!  My spellchecker doesn't check the title page, but will pay more attention because that screams rookie and gets me out of the door faster than an empty wallet at a strip club!


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
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