First - solid, crisp writing for the most part created a real nice pace.

At times, the dialogue got a little clunky - easily fixed in a re-write. Just thought some it was unnatural as it was introducing plot points.

SPOILER

One hiccup for me up front was that Linda didn't seem to know the driver at first and the twist laer was that she was(or at least she thought so) plotting with him. Ergo - Couldn't figure out why it seemed she didn't know him early on.

Good effort

Took a couple reads to put it all in place, even now I’m not entirely sure…  

‘Michel’ was Stephen, who was having an affair with Linda who was married to David who was set-up by Driver into thinking he was meeting Stephen who would kill Linda whom Driver had also contacted in order to double-cross David to take the embezzled money and thus frame Stephen for the murder of David and Linda in a tragic murder/suicide...

It’s a lot to ask for in ten pages.  You end up sacrificing any deeper connection to the characters in favour of racing the plot into place -- kind of just room enough for the reader to follow or feel something, I doubt both.  Not a bad idea, keeps the reader on their toes, just missing any emotional subtlety and pace.  Perhaps one to revisit without the confines of the challenge.

Escalates very quickly. I think maybe more time could be spent getting to know the characters. If you DO want to jump right into it, I'd consider starting with the threat already present, which could engage the reader in trying figure the situation out while cutting out all the boring stuff you seem keen to fly past.

I got pretty lost in all the plot twists being thrown at me. Without knowing who these people are it's impossible to understand the significance of all this, or what kind of scam is being run for what reason. If Linda and the Driver are running a scam, why did she act like she didn't know him even when no one was around? And is it a mutual scam or is she being threatened? I just feel like I don't know anything I need to.

Wow thats a busy girl.

David Michael and I learn at the end she has a husband and its neither David nor Michael but Stephen. I must be honest this little scenario made me happy) its fun and Im serious about it - at least she has a hobby of collecting men.

As for the script - I wish you pushedme into her world and I got to learn more about her and what drives her and makes her do the stuff she does. That way I would be rooting for someone and its important that I follow someones story, his wishes and concerns.

Its also a bit of intricate for me.

Also you plunged us write into the story from the beginning but I think you need a slower built here.

So many twists that it corkscrewed. More char depth and a couple less turns and it would be intriguing. As it was, I was skimming to the end just to read the final turn.

This one didn't ring any of my bells or any other metaphor for that matter. I didn't see anyone trapped in a taxi, in fact people got in and out of the taxi at will.

All the characters sounded exactly the same, they didn't have their own voice and the entire story was told with corny dialogue. I quickly got lost about who was being blackmailed and why but I didn't really care.

Sorry to be so blunt, I do normally try to present what I liked and disliked about a script to give a balanced opinion but I didn't enjoy any of this. At least you took part, something which I failed to do, so if you are annoyed at my review, tell me to go stick it coz I didn't enter!

-Mark

Deadly Companions:

Hmmm – Pam Seckinpaugh?  I’m guessing a female wrote this one!  

I have to admit – while I’m a fan of strong visuals (when not overwritten), I love how streamlined this one is, too – jumping right into the scenario!

p. 7ish: I LOVE the twist and double deal – but I’m wondering if the first exchange between Linda and the Driver needs to be tweaked a bit, so that it reads differently once we know the truth that they’re in cahoots.

p. 7: Well, that’s hubby?  I’m guessing David’s already been killed and buried (or chopped up?)  I think you need to clarify this a little bit.

p. 8: Does the driver have a gun?  If not, why is Linda putting up with the change in plans and taking action?

p. 9: Wait – the driver’s killing himself and Linda, too?  Why?

Overall impressions.  I like the writing, love the premise and the majority of the execution.  I would like to have the ending explained a bit more clearly – and/or have a different twist?  (Perhaps the driver walks off with the dough?)

But that aside, real neat job!

This needs a lot of work. You need to create some actual characters and work on your dialogue. I'm sorry that I don't really have anything specific to add... from the other comments it seems like you have an interesting concept with some nice twists and turns. With more practice, this could probably become a gripping thriller. Keep at it.

Not one for me.

A pass.

Good effort.

Heavy plot, a bit dependent on being told, but a good read.

Realistically we need more about them and too many twists feels a little like salt in soup - too much takes the taste away.

But one of my fav' so far

Consider

Quoted from JEStaats So many twists that it corkscrewed..

Well said

Too much too fast. I like how this pushes the limits but this could slow down a bit. I didn't finish it, too intricate.

Since The Driver has a name, why not use it? i mean, nobody else is naed Kane, right?
Overall, i thought this was okay, but it really didn't do much for me.

So many twists, my head is spinning.  Does she know the driver or not?   At first, when it's just them, she acts like she doesn't know him.  Then, when David is picked up, she knows him?  You lost me on the twists and really didn't care for any of the characters, so it's not for me.  Plus, none of them were trapped so didn't meet the criteria (neither did mine).  This seems like it could be expanded into a nice plot twisting feature.  Would like to read/see that.  Good luck with it and hope you go for it as a feature.

Wow more twists than a bag of pretzels

A lot of bouncing back and forth between characters and it was good that they played off each other... although could easiiy be extended and have some depth in your characters for readers to attach to.

Good job on entering