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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2016 One Week Challenge  ›  Deadly Companions - OWC
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  Author    Deadly Companions - OWC  (currently 3484 views)
Hunter
Posted: August 23rd, 2016, 4:51am Report to Moderator
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The story seems to start too suddenly. And even though a name is mentioned for the driver, he is only referred to as driver.

It all moves too quickly. More time is needed for these things to happen.


I would love feedback on any of these!
Back to Class: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1453330945/ (comedy series, RECENTLY UPDATED DEC. '16)
Cause & Effect: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1472594865/ (comedy-drama series)
Waking Up: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1452376264/ (comedy series)
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ChrisBodily
Posted: August 24th, 2016, 9:30am Report to Moderator
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Pretty good. Not too many issues. Decent little thriller.

A strong consider.


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PrussianMosby
Posted: August 24th, 2016, 4:45pm Report to Moderator
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This one reads as a pretty hard concept to tackle in one week. All those twists and mystery just need much more thought, timing, rewriting to deliver in crafty manner. It all felt too passive. The talk was on screen, the story was about everything other than what was on screen. Hard project you've chosen here for one week.  Good ambition though



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SteveC
Posted: August 31st, 2016, 12:08pm Report to Moderator
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I see there's already been plenty of feedback for this one, but I'll add to the pile:

- Love that the lover’s name is French!

- If I happened upon this script on my own, I would have pegged it as yours do to the economy in action description. Nice!

- "I agreed payment with Mr. Kane” - not sure if Americans ever talk like this.

- I was a little lost with the twist at the end. And when she got in the car the first time, they were alone so why would they act out not knowing each other then when the husband comes in, they had a ploy all along? Or did they improvise that? Sorry, guess I gotta read it again. If anything, it would make a good film you’d want to watch over and over again to piece it all together!

- Love how there was a sinister twist/back-stabbing/reversal at the end, but didn’t quite get it. Did they bury a body? Who’s in the car? I thought she was out of the car?

- I’m confused by "He swings to the curb, and cuts the motor.”. Is this part of their plan? I thought he was taking her away but then they corroborate?

- "As are we both.” is kind of an awkward line, IMO.

- "He senses an atmosphere.” Senses “tension”?

- "You're sore because I found out.” Love the term sore, and works as this is type of word they use in film noir, which I guess this is? But won’t work in modern day parlance :^)

- “Well that’s hubby” I’m sorry, what happened to hubby?

- Final note, knowing your writing prowess, I can’t tell if this is a sloppily written script or just too genius for me to fully grip!
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