I liked the concept but it stops there for me.

This is pretty much 8 pages of dialogue. That is not going to be visually stimulating in any way.

Pretty good tale. Doug put me in mind of that Psychopomp from 'Scrooged'... the first Christmas ghost that is, and, the Wandering Jew (minus all the melancholy).

However, a Psychopomp needs more to make them entertaining. Doug (and his cab) would be awesome as a Rastafarian hotbox IMO...

Also, I think it would have been cool if Doug asked for payment up front, and when Lance reaches into his pocket, he pulls out a single coin, indicative of payment for the Underworld Lorry but... one coin just doesn't cut it, it's always two. That way, you can forecast a surprise ending... just to keep the reader engaged.

All just opinion of course, decent script.

I thought this was pretty decent.  Did anyone else read the cabbie with that one dude from Futurama like I did, you know the one slob of a guy who pops up every so often (no, not scruffy, who was awesome), he was kinda fat, stubble on his face and crude.

For some reason, that character reminded me of this one...

I thought it was interesting.   Yes, it isn't visual, but, you can work that in better and tighten it up a lot.  

As a first draft, pretty good.  Take off the 10 page limit and you could have something here.  It's kinda similar to a story that I wrote years ago (not a screenplay), but, it's a pretty solid idea, so, I'm not shocked that you had this idea...

I hope you work on it once it's done...

7.0/10
Dan

Seems like there’s always a limbo/purgatory themed script or two in these challenges.  Fairly standard stuff; one character not realising he’s dead, another, resigned to the whole thing having to explain the rules etc.  That said, I thought you brought this around nicely with the ending, not one but two characters gaining their redemption -- either side of limbo, yeah, see what you did there.  

Lance’s reasoning for going back didn’t hit the right note for me -- if anything it made me feel less sympathy for him.  Maybe something to think about if you decide to rewrite.  Could do with more to cue the jumps between locales for a little more impact/excitement.

Nice idea, a little slow but could be simple to film.

Nice idea, even though it is familiar and not just because of Scrooged. I wrote a similar themed script for the elevator OWC and my film No More Tomorrows hints that the character may be in purgatory. Not saying you stole ideas of course, I just think it's a very common theme and for good reason as you can experiment a lot with it. It also suggests I may have a very unhealthy fascination with death!

Doug is an interesting character, if you develop this further I'd concentrate on him more as he's the shining piece here. Lance isn't so good and his off-the-cuff joke seems out of place, like you put that in just so Doug would connect with him a bit more. Just make it seem more natural and it will work fine.

It's tough to mix serious tones with comedy. Here you start off quite well but then the balance doesn't quite work further on. There's a lot of dialogue for a short and this comes from a guy who champions good dialogue. There should be more visuals, more stops and less talky talky.

The story mechanics contradict themselves. One minute you set a rule which seems to imply Lance's journey is out of his control, his stops are a random selection of important memories and moments of his life. I liked this. You enforce this by stating he can't go back when he misses a stop but then change it when he chooses to go to hospital and Doug complies, when he earlier suggested none of this was possible. I don't like changing rules just for writers to write themselves out of a corner.

The ending I don't like. I didn't like Lance so him getting a second chance felt flat for me. I realise it is tough to represent a full character's transformation from douchebag to likable in 10 pages with one week to write it, so I totally get this.

I did like Doug so I did enjoy him finding his peace. The reason was a bit poor though. Him just helping someone seemed too easy and something most people would do naturally and not require a long stint in limbo to realise this.

The VO was overkill for me. You don't need to remind us what Doug said only a few minutes ago. It's like putting up a huge sign next to Doug's head which says, "HE'S BEING LET OUT OF LIMBO COZ HE FINALLY HELPED SOMEONE AND FEELS GOOD ABOUT HIMSELF, HE'S CHANGED FOR THE BETTER - DO YOU GET IT?" Yes, we got it!  

Apart for those minor gripes this is a good effort that just needs some work. It also meets the criteria of the OWC so well done for entering and writing an entertaining script.

-Mark

Hey,
I like the idea here.

Its not the first time I see a script like this. The most memorable is Black Rose Garden by Matias Caruso. Oh its a beatiful screenplay, a must read!

I think the most important thing here is try to avoid pn the nose conversation. In your case I think its the way your characters told each others their stories should be rewritten I think.

Nice work taking the effort to try and build some unique, fully realized characters... but I don't think you quite got there. Lance is too bland. Doug is more interesting but you've gotta be more subtle in certain places...

DOUG
Look, I don’t help anybody, don't
like anybody, or care for anybody.

Lines like that don't read well. I'll give you an example of something that probably wouldn't work for this story but would work in general... let's say Doug is eating food in the car and Lance is completely freaking out and Doug just says "Can't you see I'm eating?". This line basically says everything you had before without actually saying it. And it's funnier. You've gotta find something like that.

Overall, just tighten the dialogue. I think there's a lot of places where you can drop some of the dialogue and show rather than tell. It will make for a much smoother read.

Really good work writer.

The premise is great, and the interactions between the two were entertaining and kept the pace ticking along nicely. There's a lot of dialogue there but it never felt like it was dragging, which is well done.

My only thoughts on revision is that you could have just written a script on the original reveal, with the twist of him being dead and driven to the afterlife. This is way more stripped back of course, and may work better for a short, but tbh I wouldn't change it. Really nice work.

A consider

Cam

This started strong and lost a lot of steam around he middle, for me. Once there's less black comedy and more straight dialogue, I wasn't finding as much to enjoy.

The end feels strong and complete, but it was a bit lacklustre for me after the long sections of talk. I wonder if there's a way to make more of this stuff visual and action-based without pushing up the budget.

Missing some spark, for me, but I'm not sure exactly what to suggest. A well-designed happy ending, though.

Things I liked:
Doug's gruff manner
Doug's moving on after helping Lance.

Things to consider:
The introduction felt overwritten. I think the story could start with INT. DOUG'S CAB - NIGHT.
Lance was bipolar in his reactions. Astute observations mixed in with thoughtless comments, joking -- kind of hard to identify with.
The doctor didn't need to say anything. Let the visual speak for itself.
The fact that Doug was helping Lance wasn't apparent to me until the ending VO.

In the beginning when you go from outside to inside the taxi should have been an INT. slug instead of how you have it.  Some of the word choices in the dialogue weren't good (like "whilst').  The story is good enough and could be kept in a low budget and he was trapped technically, so you met the challenge.  I just feel like it was overwritten and with some of the strange wordings, just not quite there yet.  With a rewrite, could be a good little film.  This is just my humble opinion though.  Can give more notes if needed.  Good luck with it.

I enjoyed it.

Great interaction between Doug and Lance really played off each other... not the most creative premise but it works for this OWC.

Great Job on entering

I like how this turned into a race against the clock, but resolving after it was established took away from an opportunity to explore some tension. Great characters, specifically Doug's dialogue speculating nobody cares - he could possibly still be rotting - kind of jokingly but very telling nonetheless. Sort of reminded me of Beetlejuice comedic/dark vibes - being dead sucks but the rules imply it's not the worse thing either. Good job, I dig it.

There are a few missing words, asides, and the odd unfilmable. But the story makes up for it.

Rec. A-